So if I put your hands where my eyes can't see
Then you're the one who's got a hold on me

Outfit @jayson

There were always going to be bad days, and days that were just as bad as the day that she had learned. Times when Keva could not handle the almost overwhelming grief that seemed to over take her on the worst days. Days like this when her youngest daughter was asking questions made it even harder. Jaci wanted to know her father was, what had happened to him, and why he wasn’t there for them all. It made life exponentially harder trying to explain to a child that her father had been killed by a Death Eater, they very men that he had been guarding. It hurt her into her very soul to tell her the truth, but she knew very well what might happen if she told her anything that was dark or twisty. It was very hard for her to handle it, and it had broken her heart to tell Jaci any of it.

Her daughter had been broken hearted and had cried, but so had Keva. She hadn’t wanted any of it, she had wanted to wait and had forbidden her younger children from discussing it at all. She had refused to allow them to even think of telling Jaci, she was such a lovely thing, so kind and sweet, that she could not even bare the idea of it all. She knew now, and that had brought her to her husband’s grave.

She came here rather often, she would talk to Jayson, no matter how morbid that it sounded. It gave her relief, it gave her some kind of hope that he was still there, somehow, watching over her, keeping them safe. She had no idea if it was the truth, but it mean so very much more to her to be able to think that he was still somehow there, lingering, and keeping an eye on them all. Oh, her sweet Jayson. She could still see his smile and it hurt her so. She was sitting on the bench that she had installed there and was crying, holding the picture that Jaci had drawn for him. It was so good, she was so talented and she knew that her baby would grow to be an artist.

She reached out and touched the headstone with her fingertips. ”I miss you, darling. I need you. We all do. Nothing will ever replace you, no one will either. I love you so much.” She stopped there and put her hand over her over her mouth as she began to cry softly but foot steps behind her stopped her and she stood up, turning around she looked at the man with a squint, holding her hand up to the partially cover her face to block the light. At first she thought that she had gone around the bend but then she moved her hand and gasped.

”Jayson?!”

The worst thing about Nate is that he's sentimental. It's not a dominating trait by any stretch of imagination, he's got many, many others that smother whatever sentimentality he might have - among them killer practicality. Doesn't leave much of a room for him to be a bleeding heart most of the time but...well, he opened an exception to his not-family. Even if that didn't stop him from leaving them, from being dead for half a decade and intending to still be dead for a very long time - possibly forever but Nate dislikes thinking in such long term -, he still thought about them from time to time. About the kids- well, kids. Hailee was a woman grown and that made him feel so, so old. Cathy kept saying that he was just mature now but he still looked for grey hairs every time he stopped by the mirror - something that amused his not-fiance a lot. In general, though, Nate allowed himself to think about the kids a couple of times a week, or when something happened to remind him of them. It was a bit...painful, if he had to analyse it and come to a conclusion. That was the reason why he avoided introspection. It made him miss things that he should never had in the first place - things that he couldn't get back. The kids were well, okay, with their dead working class hero dad and their mum. They weren't tangled up with anything they shouldn't, weren't subject to Zahra Arundell's scrutiny and they definitely wouldn't have to deal with a quasi-Death Eater for a father. Nate, for his part, didn't have to deal with his mother's nagging, would make an actually profitable marriage to a pretty, young girl sometime this century and didn't have to deal with the fact he lied to a woman he not-loved for ten years.

Keva. Shite, that was something Nate had to consciously stop himself from thinking about okay. Because he wasn't an impulsive person, especially not one to make life changing decisions such as getting married and having a few kids whilst pretending to be someone else. That wasn't Nate, that had never been him. Except he had a lapse of judgement that lasted ten bloody years and he couldn't get rid of the feeling of wanting to be back to the simple days of being Jayson Morrison the guard. Things were simpler then, even if he couldn't say whether he was happier now than he had been then. Maybe he was happier now because he didn't have to pretend. But he was also alone and he had gotten used to being a father - which was definitely a point in favour of being Jayson. All in all, there was nothing to it, really. Jayson was dead and he'd remain dead. The only thing Nate allowed himself was to think of Keva and the kids sometimes, when he was alone and relatively sure he wouldn't do something stupid like appear for them or something. And when Cathy managed to ply him with alcohol. That and, well, the strange - and morbid - little quirk he had developed. Visiting his own grave. Yeah, sure, it was creepy but it helped. He was, even if only for a few moments, Jayson. And Jayson could mourn his family in a way Nate wouldn't allow himself - not ever. Miss them occasionally, sure. But mourning? Mourning meant regret and Nate didn't have regrets. Well, maybe giving Cathy that Macallan for her fifteenth birthday but that wasn't something that bad. She just got very, very drunk. It had been hilarious.

His headstone was a nice thing, too, must have cost some pretty penny even though with him dead, he wasn't sure if Keva could have easily afforded it. Of course, Nate made sure nothing was ever missing in the house, that everyone had everything they needed at school and at home - through several highly not legal channels but who cared? He was touched, okay, that his not-wife cared enough to give him a pretty headstone like this. Even more touched that she still visited, placed flowers and pictures. He had been distracted, that day, walking towards the grave to see what was there. Maybe another picture of Jaci? He liked seeing his toddler daughter as she grew up, had a scrapbook at home with the photos Keva left. Cathy loved flipping through them, pointing out his traits on the kids. He told her she was being ridiculous and that she'd be able to do that with their own kids, one day. Last time he had mentioned it, she had laughed at him. He'd have some peace, finally, in his own grave-

Or maybe not. Fucking hell, that was Keva, wasn't it? Nate didn't know what made him step forward, what made him not do the smart thing and turn tail. Could he pull it off? She was calling for a man that didn't exist. Could he convince her of that? "Excuse me, miss. I think you've got the wrong person," he smiled, the Nate smile instead of the Jayson smile. Nate was the halfblood who was raised like a pureblood, the playboy. Jayson had been...softer. In a way. Even his accent was different, after so long he stopped pretending the working class Londoner and went back to his half posh half Cornish one.

The worst part of losing Jayson was that she never got to tell him that she was sorry for the harsh words that she said. She knew that he loved her and that he wanted nothing more than to be with her and the children, but it constantly felt as she was coming second to a job that barely paid their mortgage. Not that they ever hurt for things. She helped to more than cover things and they had never hurt for money once. His job had helped that and it had been a huge part of who he was, but she would always wonder if it was worth it. Was it worth his life? She had lost him and lost everything that she loved, but nothing would give her back what she felt she had lost.

She remembered every curve of his face, every line and wrinkle that might have been here. From the stubble of his face to the way his eyes lit up when they lay in bed and talked early in the morning before they both had been forced to get ready. She could recall him just as well as she could her own face and well, it was as if a part of her was missing too. Perhaps her father was right, and she was missing a part of herself by not letting go and moving on. It wasn’t like he had left her for someone else, she had been made a widow and that made it so much worse.

She adjusted the gray sweater around her and crossed her arms for a moment thinking that she was crazy and sighed, rubbing at her face. ”Good lord. I’m sorry..” She said before laughing and took in a ragged breath. ”Desperate need, perhaps….” She stopped as the wind blew and she looked at the man once more, taking in a soft breath and shaking her head. It was him. She would know that smell anywhere, it was his smell. It had lingered on his pillow and in his clothes.

Stepping towards him she put a hand on the man’s arm and looked up into his face. ”Love, I know it’s you.” They had been together close to seventeen years, she knew him by that point.

Nate hadn't expected the diversion to work, not at all. He'd done it for the same reason he'd married her all those years ago, because he couldn't walk away from a challenge and this had been one - one that he was rather sure he wouldn't be able to pull off and he'd analyse all of this later when he didn't have to think on his feet to get out a particularly sticky situation. Because he shouldn't have stepped forward, should have just left and not looked back. But he didn't. He made himself known for Keva and tried to spin something that would likely not work - that he'd known it wouldn't work. Nate- damnit all to hell but his mind was a little fuzzy from seeing his wife of almost two decades up close like this for the first time in so long. Not that Nate was moved or anything like that, pesky sentimentality had no place in decision making. Nate missed Keva in the privacy of his own mind, whenever he didn't have anything pressing to do. It wasn't something that he'd ever allow himself to do in any other way, because Nate was a Slytherin and he knew how to weight things properly. In the grand scale of things, his not-marriage was but a speck in the amount of things he had going on in his life and not the most important one.

Because he had mostly said that out of curiosity, just to see how Keva would react, it took Nate by surprise when the witch fell for it for a long moment. He'd have stared, incredulous, if he could without breaking character. Seriously, he was even a little wounded. How could a woman hat was fake-married to him for so long not know his face? His face was unforgettable, excuse you, and definitely not common enough that it could be mistaken like this. Nate- if there was a flaw that he had, it was his narcissism. It affected his good judgement - or whatever he had of it, according to Liv and Cathy both. "No problem, miss. This isn't an easy place to be," how he managed to say that with a straight face, he didn't know. Practise? The fact that he had no shame in his handsome face to speak of? Likely a combination of both, if he was being honest. "I'm sorry for your loss," he added, feeling particularly morbid and funny. He'd have to tell Liv about this, later. If nothing else, she'd appreciate his sense of humour after she slapped him over the head for it. Oh, shite. Liv. How was he going to explain to Liv that he ended up not-accidentally revealing to his not-wife that he was still alive?

And then- ah. Not so clueless after all. Well, it would have been easy if she had accepted his paltry excuse but Nate's ego was definitely soothed. He was unforgettable, after all. Good to know, even if this complicated things just a little. "Shh, don't say that. It's for the best, believe me," he placed a hand over hers in his arm, gentle and warm. Plan B: play the danger card.

tags: @ keva

outfit

--It ain't my fault

tag: @jayson // words: 349 // notes: ---

When Jayson had died she had been broken, useless, and it had taken every ounce of strength she had to eat anything, and that was only for her baby. She slept almost constantly. If it weren’t for her sister coming to stay with her, she wasn’t sure what she would have done. She had just given up. The thought of buying a vial and saying goodbye to everyone had been something that had lain heavy on her mind until about about two weeks after the funeral. She had given him her everything and the last words that she had said to her were to ‘get out’. She had told him if he wasn’t going to give up the dangerous job then to think about not coming home, and he hadn’t. He had died with those words from her. She couldn’t forgive herself for it. It ached in her bones in the dark of night when she thought about it.

It was him, it was him. She put a hand ot her chest when he spoke again and gasped softly, rage and happiness filling her. He was alive. She wanted to sink to her knees to touch him but all she could manage was to stumble backwards and slowly sit on the bench her hand on her heart. It was for the best? How was this for the best?! Tears fell down her face and she walked up to him and started hitting him in the chest.

”You bastard, you fucking bastard. I mourned you, I had another baby alone, and you were alive the whole time?! I almost fucking died and you were alive?! “ She was sobbing, so many emotions flowing through her and all she wanted was for him to hold her close and whisper those nothings in her ear like her used to, but she was so angry, and so hurt. How could he do this to her?! She was his wife and he lied, he was alive! ”Why?!” She almost shouted as her hits got weaker and her cries softened.”Why.”

template by eliza @ TB & THQ

Nate- well, that was going to sound callous but he hated it when people cried on him. He wasn't an overly emotional by nature, his staged reactions notwithstanding, and his family had never been so either. His mother, Zahra, had always abhorred loud noises and teary spectacles and she'd raised him and his siblings to be well-behaved children that knew very well that tears, if any, should be shed in the privacy of one's own rooms with minimal fuss. It was the thing, in their family. The Arundells were a stoic sort, in the way that every single emotion they showed was calculated. Nate was a bit of a change, in a way, since he flirted and shared his joy in a mostly genuine manner - something his parents and siblings didn't. However, he never allowed anyone other than Liv and occasionally Cathy to see him in any other state of emotion and gods forbid he ever find himself bursting like this anywhere - much less in public.

It had been...something he'd got used to, living as Jayson Morrison, because Keva was naturally emotive. Her happiness and her anger were deeply felt and she wasn't shy about showing it. Their arguments had been explosive and the making up even more so - hence, five kids. However, as soon as he got back to his life, Nate realised he'd missed the stoicism of upper society quite a bit. Being emotive was...exhaustive. Besides, tears left everything damp and sometimes there was snot. No one looked attractive crying. It was something he could spend the rest of his life without, really. Now, he couldn't tell Keva that, not when she was scandalously sobbing in his arms. Instead, Nate hugged her close, wiping away her tears with a handkerchief and masking his annoyance at the fact that she was hitting him.

Be chill, Nathaniel. Be Jayson. Gods, he'd lost practise. This didn't use to be so hard. "I was looking after you the whole time, Keva. You weren't alone, no matter how much it felt like it," partial truth, really, and he didn't think that she needed to know that. He had kept an eye on her and the kids but he'd also adopted a very hands off posture. Unless it was serious, he'd not intervene. And whilst he'd known Keva was somewhat depressed, he'd also been sure that she was too good of a mother not to put their kids' well being above her hurt. And she was better, he could see it now. She'd have been even better if they hadn't met again. Too late for that. "Don't cry, you know I hate it when you're upset, especially because of me," he smiled, framing her face with one hand. "I had my reasons and they were good ones- but this is not the place, nor is it the time."

tags: @ keva

outfit

words: 474

It Ain't my Fault
_{you got got me so gone}

So many things filled her. So many things that she just wanted to scream out as her mind tried to wrap itself around all of this. Every instinct in her body told her that it was her fault. That there was no other option. She had to have done something for him to just up and leave after so many years of being together. She wanted to believe that that wasn’t true, that he loved her but had debts or that he was hiding from people and it was better if she and the kids were not around him. That she could accept, that she would be able to hold true to herself, but… there was no way of knowing, no way of saying for sure that she was the reason but as she looked at him with tears falling down her face she felt something she hadn’t in a long time. Anger. Hot white fury and passion that burned for their fights alone and she pulled herself away from him.

She wanted him to sweep her off her feet and say that it was all a mistake but looking at him then, really looking at him he looked… happy. Of course he was. ”Then why are you even here? Why do you even come here? “ She was so confused she wished she had stayed at home. That he had stayed dead. It didn’t matter now. Sniffling she grabbed the gifts and pictures that she had left and shoved them in her bag. He didn’t deserve them.

”You let me think you were dead.” She said with her back to him slowly calming down. ”What did you expect, Jayson. A song and dance, for me to just accept that you said that You weren’t you? Close to twenty years and you still don’t fucking know me.” She wanted to rave and be bitter, to cry and mourn. This would have been easier if he had been married to someone else. If she had been the side woman. If everything had been a lie it would have been so much better, but here they were.

”Perhaps you should find me then. When it is the time. “

@jayson | OUTFIT | 368