'cause i'm sick

sick of hoping for change
it all comes in waves
@brooke  | outfit

Hearing about the muggleborn department of the Ministry had been awesome news. It meant things were looking up for them. That, maybe, things would go back to how they used to be one day. Surely that day was a long ways off from now, but it was a step closer and that was all that mattered. It wouldn't be much longer and Jesse would be free to leave Pyxis and Kolna for good, though the mines were still probably in his future. He could deal with that. The mines were a cake walk compared to the rat infested flats they had stayed for nearly a year. This place was a cake walk compared to that, too. 

He had felt such a mix of emotions when he had come to Pyxis. Sadness for those who were left behind, for those who didn't get to enjoy the luxuries these kids did. Luxuries. Jesus, who ever thought that a bed that didn't crawl away while you slept on it would be considered a luxury. Still, he was excited about the vast improvement he had been given. Actual beds were nice, yes. And what about hot water? Lord, have mercy. Hot water was like heaven itself. That first shower had been the longest of his lifetime, easily. If he would have stayed in any longer he'd have sprouted gills and swam down the pipes. He also found excitement in returning to school, though that had been somewhat dashed to bits once he found out just what exactly he would be learning.

Jesse had been ambitious, once. He had always worked hard at school. He hid it well, but he enjoyed his classes and actually excelled at most of them. That had been one of the reasons he and Brooke had become friends. Such unlikely friends to anyone looking in from the outside, but perfect in their own little way. They both loved to learn, both loved to think outside the box. In Kolna it had only brought them closer. They were roommates in those disgusting flats, and they kept secrets, somehow, in the crowded conditions. She kept her books a secret, having them enchanted to look like fairy tales, and he had his own hidden away. Together they continued their education in hushed whispers, quizzing each other in the late hours as others slept.

When he heard rumors of Pyxis in the mines she was the first person he wanted to speak to about it. They theorized and make up conspiracy theories and jokes about the place, and when the time had finally come to make the move he worried about her. They had taken them by year from Kolna and situated them, and he had been one of the last groups to go. When she left he was nervous of the hell that awaited her, and eventually himself. Once he arrived the nervousness dissipated and the two had returned to their plotting. How the hell were they going to get out of here? At least Kolna had easy escapes. As easy as just not coming back. But here? There was no coming and going. It was simply staying put.

They plotted their little plans for fun, mostly. Something to give them hope. And when that article had been delivered in the Daily Profit it gave Jesse all the hope in the world. He was going to get the hell out of here. He was going to leave and go home. A place he had never had before, but did now. With Truly. Their home. He had been so caught up in his own happiness that he had forgotten about everyone else. Nobody else mattered, just Truly. Just them. As the rush of it all had left, though, he found himself wondering about his friends. He was getting out of here, but what about them? What about Devin? Sasha and Marisol? What about Brooke?

They were still students, all of them. They would be for a while longer, and what did that mean for them? Where were they supposed to go during breaks? Were they just going to be stuck here until their own graduations came about? In reality here was not exactly a bad place to be stuck, but where would they go once here wasn't an option? He was uncertain. Surely, they were uncertain as well. Brooke, at least, had a family who could remember her. With everything happening, he wondered if her family was eager to have her back. He knew she would be OK, but still he wasn't sure how he felt to leave her behind. She was a tough girl. She had been a test subject for fuck's sake. She could handle it.

Jesse felt a little more positive today than he had before about the whole thing. She could handle it, he kept telling himself. Even if she couldn't she wasn't his problem, per se. She wasn't his sister, wasn't his lover, she was simply his friend. Another poor ass muggleborn trapped in the same shit as him. He could feel his old self re-emerging as the days drew closer to his graduation. The Jesse who didn't give a shit was slowly coming back, and the overly attached Jesse was fading away. Kolna had fucked him all up, made him feel like these people were somehow his responsibility. He had skipped meals so others could eat. He had given up his blankets so others could stay warm. He had turned back into the kid he was in foster care so many years ago, and he didn't need to be. They didn't need him to be. But he was all the same.

He decided he would stop being that person. He would start being just a friend again. They didn't need him to be their parent, or their caregiver, not anymore. Not now that things were changing. Having that weight off his shoulders was freeing and he found that he had been smiling a lot more lately. A cheery look was already plastered on his face as he walked into the study area and saw Brooke sitting alone. "Hey," he greeted as he walked over. There were two couches across from one another and Jesse hopped over the back of the one opposite of her and settled in. "What are you up to?"

School was something that Brooke had missed, a thing of beauty that had once caused her to light up when she thought about it. Getting lost in books, and falling asleep to the smell of parchment and ink was one of her fondest memories. Of course, in school now there weren’t things to learn that she really cared about, but there were books that she could put her hands on, notes that she could take and she didn’t feel so hopeless. Of course, now it meant that she didn’t have to have spells thrown at her and the like, but it did mean that she was stuck still but in a different way.

She found happiness in the bed that she had now. She hadn’t been able to cast cushioning charms on it like she had the one at school. Her back did appreciate that it wasn’t as hard as the previous and it wasn’t infested with fleas and bed bugs and Merlin knew what else; she would have given anything for the bath that had come that first night, but being home with her mother would have been better. Being at Hogwarts with her friends would have been better. She knew what she wanted, but it was impossible. So much had changed, but like all things, so very much was still the same.

It was hard to find the bright spots, but this was one of them. Her mother had sent her some more clothes since many had become moth eaten while she was at Kolna. The one benefit was the time that she would get to spend with Jesse. They were close, though she did not call him her best friend, because she knew who his best friend was. She didn’t have one, really she had friends, sure but none did she call bosom (mainly because that word still made her blush). In Kolna, she had shared her books with him, helping him, talking with him. It had helped to keep their wits strong.

They were a year apart, and in time he would be forced to leave her. It was sad, but she knew that it was life. She had learned to be lonely a long time ago. She had learned to accept it and hold it close to her heart, like a sheild. It kept her smart, it kept her safe, it kept her sane. She dreamed of sun kissed kisses, entwined fingers, and a face that was not her own. She wanted things that were not within her grasp, but for the muggleborn girl, that was nothing more. When graduation came she would be bidding so many farewell and Brooke would hate to see them go, but that was life, and the way of things. She would see him again one day, maybe.

She was sitting on a couch, knees pulled up to her chest as her book rested on her feet. Her shoes were on the floor beside her and it was clear that she had a heavy mind, but any who knew her would know it was rather typical of her when she was reading. Looking up she gave a small smile and pulled the top of the book up so he could see that she was reading a book about Arithmancy. ”The typical. Boring Brooke, remember?” The moniker had hurt once upon a time, but not any more. She wore it like a badge of honor now. She might be boring, but she was safe.

Outfit

'CAUSE I'M SICK

SICK OF HOPING FOR CHANGE
IT ALL COMES IN WAVES

School was something that Jesse actually liked. Not that many people knew that. He was the kind of student who would sit through class hardly paying any attention at all, but he never really needed to. He was never the type to be able to give full, undivided attention. And if he was expected to be that way he'd likely have failed every subject he had ever learned at Hogwarts. No, he learned best when the lecture was a background to something else. The professor could drone on as he passed notes, or chatted with his neighbor, or had silent miming conversations across the room. Most of his professors hadn't liked that about him. He would often get a little swat to pay attention or, the seemingly favorite, was to call on him unexpectedly. That never worked in their favor. They would smirk at him as they called him too, under the false idea that they had caught him off guard and unprepared. Most times he would simply respond with the answer and continue on with what he had already been doing. That was a good way to piss them off, and piss them off he had. More times than he could probably count.

Jesse was lucky that he had a strong memory when it came to things he had heard in class, because if his memory was based solely on his notes than his grades would have been a complete disaster. He almost never took notes on what he was learning. In fact the only notes he actually had were the ones Truly would copy for him. It was a decent enough system, the only issue being that they did not share all the same classes. Her notes were always nice and he loved her hand writing. It was much nicer than his own and he figured if he could take notes like her he might have taken notes too. It wasn't as though he had horribly sloppy writing either. His handwriting was actually decent, for being a male. It was just that his own notes were....scattered. Not following any sort of pattern, not organized in any way. It also didn't help that he shortened everything. By the end of it he wasn't sure what he had written anyway. 

It was sort of funny that his note taking skills were so terrible. Jesse was quite an organized person when it came to all other things. He was neat, tidy and had a place for everything and everything was in it's place. Yet, when it came to school work, everything was a complete disaster. Well, everything except for his grades. He chalked it up to him being a performer and not a prepare-er. He could perform well on tests. He could perform well in any hands-on situation, and he could figure things out pretty quickly when thrown to the wolves. But the preparation part... That was where the struggle lied. At this school everything seemed to be about preparation. They wanted to make sure these children were prepared for their servant style roles when they finally returned to the real world. They didn't care if the students could execute the spells well, if they couldn't then the poor saps would just have to do the work by hand. Oh, pity them, right? Poor mudblood has to scrub the floors by hand, maybe they should have listened better at Pyxis?

Jesse was a little bitter about the teachings going on at Pyxis, but he couldn't be terribly upset. At least he was learning something. And a lot of these spells were actually...helpful? He was sure that most of them were simple spells that pureblood folk had probably known for ages and had practiced in their own homes for convenience. Jesse had never known such things existed. There really were cleaning spells? Charms you could place on windows to make sure they shut themselves in a rain storm? It really was sort of interesting. He did miss his old classes though. Jesse looked at the book that Brooke had shown him and his brow perked in interest. "Arithmancy? I wouldn't call that boring. Where'd you find that?" He questioned, scooting to the edge of his spot on the couch trying to peek over the top of her book at what it contained inside. He had scoured that library and hadn't found a single book about such things. Maybe she had beaten him to the punch? A playful smirk grew on his face and he shot her a shifty look. "You holding out on me, Brooke?"

It had been a long time coming some had said, that this was the just desserts of those who had done the damage to the Death Eaters, they had had so many losses, so many hurt and in jail. She knew that it would have happened sooner or later and she wished at one point that she wasn’t among those that were affected, but she was. She couldn’t change that about herself. She couldn’t change who she was deep down and she knew that that was fine, that she would be just fine, sooner or later. She just had to make it through it all. She could do it, she could make it.

She had so much to do and so much going for her, so much that she wanted to be, but in truth it all felt so far away now. It all felt like it would be so impossible to achieve but she just had to keep sharpening her wits. She could make it through, as long as she kept her mind active. She used to read all the time, book after book that was just perfection, but she had pushed herself away from everyone else, she had kept herself so closed off that she was nothing more than a body. No one but Jesse really knew her. Emery did too, but it had been so long since she had heard from him now. She wasn’t even sure who he was any more.

She was really alone and she had no idea of how she was going to do it alone, but she knew that her mother would be there, waiting for her in the end, so would her brother and Leslie. Leslie had sent her care packages of clothes and books. Things that she wished that she could have all the time. Maybe it hadn’t been taken for a reason, it wasn’t like she was doing anything dangerous or reading a defense against the dark arts book or anything. It was all but a math book, explaining the ways that certain forumlas had been used in the past to access things like ancient tombs and the like. She had found it interesting before and Leslie had sent it from her collection at home.

She could always start drawing again, she supposed since she had the time to do so now. It wasn’t like she was going home any time soon. ”Leslie sent it with the clothes. Nothing really to learn from it. It’s about the witches and wizard who helped find King Tut’s tomb and the dragons in Eygpt. “ Reaching behind her she pulled another book and tossed it to him. ”It’s not that good and it’s really outdated but she thought yo] u might like this one. Book on Magical creatures in lakes in Scotland, Ireland and Wales. “[/b

'CAUSE I'M SICK

SICK OF HOPING FOR CHANGE
IT ALL COMES IN WAVES

Over the last couple of months Jesse had found himself getting more and more attached to the people in Kolna. Talk about the drama of shared experience bringing people closer together, huh? That wasn't like him, not really. He had always been able to stay pretty much to himself. The only time he really ventured out was when he saw children younger than himself in bad situations. He saw it a lot, unfortunately, during his time in the foster care system. There would be babies crying in hunger while their "caregivers" slept off a heroin high, and of course he would step in. Toddlers sitting in sagging diapers with guardians who spent all their cash on dope? You bet your sweet ass he'd steal some. He couldn't stand seeing people, kids especially, wallowing in things outside of their circumstance. And that was exactly what Kolna was. People who were stuck in a shitty situation with no fucking clue how to get out of it. He had at least had the experience before, living in shit, dealing with that sort of hell. Where he grew up wasn't safe, and where he had been wasn't either. Sure, he was more likely to get shot in Peckham that he was to get cursed, but the tables were definitely turned in Kolna. 

There were people still in Kolna who were a lot like him. People who didn't know when to shut the fuck up, like Bryce, like a few others as well. Not everyone had the street smarts to shut their mouth when times called for it like Jesse did and because of that he worried about them. For what reason, who knew? What was the purpose of worrying about someone he couldn't protect? Someone who was miles and miles away. The way he was raised dictated that someone like that deserved what they had coming to them, and maybe that used to be true, but after what happened to Devin... Fuck, he hated thinking about that. He had been beating himself up about it for weeks now. He should have been there for him. Should have been right there along side him trying to take down that death eater prick and give him a taste of pure pissed off muggleborn justice. He wasn't though. Hell, he wasn't even at fucking Kolna when that shit went down.

Typical Jesse though, never fucking there when someone needed him. That was how it always felt, though there was no truth in it. He had been there for Piper when she needed him most, he had been there for Jesse when he had no friends in the world, and he had always been there for Truly. Still, something told him he needed to be there more. Especially for Devin. Hell, he had barely been able to even look at the fucking kid since that night. He had looked horrible and now he just looked...different. That kind of torture changes a person, sure. Jesse wasn't even sure if his friend was the same person anymore and he felt bad for not knowing. He knew that he should talk to him, ask him how he was. Something told him not to. That he wouldn't want to even think about it; that everyone probably asked him that all the damn time and that he was sick of it. He figured if his friend ever wanted to talk about it, he'd come find him. At least, he hoped he would.

He especially hoped that he would before graduation. The thought of leaving Pyxis, leaving all of these people who had become like family to him...it was hard. He was so torn between the emotions he felt that he wasn't exactly sure what to feel. On one hand he was so fucking happy again. He had Truly back, he was going to go home and be with her. Had he ever had it that fucking good? Even if he did have to go back to the mines, the slightness of that darkness wasn't enough to cover up all the light she brought into his life. Here there wasn't much light. More darkness than anything, with his frustrations. Frustrations about Devin, about the classes, the fact that he couldn't leave, and the fact that he was going to be leaving soon.

Jesse knew that leaving was a privilege, one that not everyone was going to get as soon as him. Brooke would have to wait a whole other year before she could see her family again, and that sort of sucked. He felt bad for her, but he knew she would make it through. As long as she has something to read, he thought with a smile. "Nothing to learn, but it sounds interesting," he said with a shrug as she began taking the book out from behind her. Jesse caught it as she tossed it at him, flipping it and looking at the cover. "Thank you Leslie," he praised, thumbing through the first couple of pages and a table of contents. "Fuck, mate. I'll take anything over those "potions" books. The damn things are practically written by Betty Crocker her damn self. Potions--" he scoffed as he set the book next to him on the couch. Jesse slunk back onto the couch, resting his head in his hand and his elbow against the arm of it. "Do you think we're going to be stuck doing bullshit like this forever? Mixing up fucking....Tylenol and calling it magic?" Jesse threw the hood of his sweatshirt of her his head, leaning his head back down into his hand. "Seems like a fucking waste." 

Her father had never really been in her life, and she wasn’t sure if she felt about it, he was a muggle like her Madre. He was a cad her Mum had said, but Leslie couldn’t say that, because she didn’t know the man. She only knew what Madre had said. Brooke wished sometimes that her mothers would get it together and just look for the man. She knew that he wasn’t perfect, but she wanted to know what he was like, Brooke wanted to get to know him. Maybe if she ever got the hell out of Pyxis she would try and find him. If he ever wanted anything to do with her that was. After all she was a witch, he would probably hate her or be like so many other muggleborn parents that she had heard about, and want to know what she could do for him. She wasn’t about that life.

Though, at this point, being about any life that wasn’t here, sounded amazing. She laughed softly and stretched out, putting her book beside her and cracked her neck as she looked at Jesse. ”At least you get to leave, traitor. I get to be here for at least another year. Go me!” She said with an eye roll. She hated it, she loved to learn and she would do whatever they wanted her to as long as they let her learn, but this was boring. She wanted something harder. Put her under some pressure or something, let her study hard for something. This was killing her.

”Who knows, Jesse. We could end up being set free in a few days, or it could be the rest of our lives. Who knows. I mean, look at how much things have changed already from when we were first taken. “ She wanted to be hopeful, but there wasn’t much hope left to try and spread.

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