I fall to pieces when I'm with you, I fall to pieces
My cherries and wine, rosemary and thyme

@ivan - outfit

Life was... different. Was it better? She really wasn't sure what was better and what was worse, most days. Things were just not like they were before. They were worse that they had been when her family had been alive, that was for certain, but things then things had just changed without actually improving much. For real, that was. Things got a bit better in some areas and worse in others, then the scale tilted all over again. Now, she wasn't at the Fleur anymore, which was just as well. For her night job, it had been better than the streets of Knockturn Alley. Not that she still did that. Sort of. Well, she did, but not for regular clients. Lord Lestrange paid for her apartment, he gave her money for food and clothing and everything else. If she wanted, she could stay in there and read in bed all day, drinking. She'd done that a bit, but drinking and taking the elixir afterwards and then servicing him was a bit too much for her mind to handle. So she'd slowed down. Went out. Not that she liked going out, there was no point to it. There was nothing she wanted to see, no one that she was missing -Jules, maybe, but she could meet up with him- and her job at the Serpent was boring as all hell. All she did was sit there and read because few people came in anyway. At least, going to book stores was fine.

One of the few reasons that she did have to leave the house was going to the apothecary. Sure, she could get ingredients, but why do that when there were things that were already done? She could just by the potions easily and it gave her something to do. Gave her a reason to leave the apartment, at least. Maybe she should keep house plants, that would liven up the place. She'd already had the bathroom redone. She wanted an actual bath, really, and that was what she'd gotten. So she could be depressed in there instead of her bed, for a change. But yeah, the reason she was going to the apothecary was that she did need headache potions, birth control potions, and bruise salves. She had the money, Lord Lestrange gave her plenty of it, but the man had made it very clear that if she displeased her she would be punished and that he had no desire for halfblood bastards. Well, she didn't need telling twice. She was an addict, she wasn't stupid. It wasn't her fault she'd come to rely so much on that euphoria elixir that he only gave her and she couldn't find anywhere else. He gave her a sip every time he visited her at the Fleur and now she couldn't go a week without it. She lost her damn mind and stopped eating by the fourth day. Somehow, she thought that at least that was a punishment he would never put her through. He needed these visits and finding someone new to satisfy him was too much work when he had an 'emergency'. Or whatever.

Really, the only surprising thing about all of this was that he sent for her while he was at the office. She had to dress modestly, of course, but she had to go to him there. Weird, it was, but nobody said anything. He even had a lover there, or a betrothed or whatever purebloods were calling it these days. She'd heard not a single word about it, though. Weird was what it was, but it kept her interest piqued. At least her mind hadn't gone completely, then. Today she'd had to go there, which was just as well because she'd also gotten the gold she needed from him for this apothecary run. Humming, she traced her finger over some containers full of ingredients.

Cherry

Things were still messy. His train of thought, once a clearly honed mind map, had straggling lines that spouted off in different directions with reason, without purpose, so he found himself distracted more often than not. Stress was likely the cause of it but then Ivan had never been one to do things by halves and liked pushing his limits to greater heights even when the end result could end up detrimental. Things with Jules still weren't the same and he was slowly coming round to the idea that they never would be, like a broken plate that had been mended they had cracks in their relationship now and while it would bother him for some time to come, there was little he could do.  It had thrown some things about himself into relief, shown him facets of himself he didn't like and now would like to change. Suddenly, he supposed, he was seeing what others saw and had tried to tell him. His mind had managed to shut down the parts of him that made him... well, him, and in doing so he'd become no more than an animated suit of armour. He did as he was told, what was expected of him, and little else outside of that. When was the last time he'd went out with some mates to get drunk or even just for a laugh? Ivan didn't think he actually ever had and that was almost... alarming. In the past, it just hadn't appealed to him. That was Jules' department, not his. And now... now while he was sure he still had friends, he hadn't seen them in quite some time and now didn't know who was around and who wasn't. All of his own fault, of course, the blame didn't lie at anyone else's door. 

It was aggravating because whenever he did something for himself that wasn't his work or his studies his mind had now fallen into a rut where he berated himself for doing something that was consuming time better spent towards being productive. Reprieves were social functions, family things and 'stretching his legs' to go to an apothecary to stock up now that he was a qualified potioneer. It was sad, pretty pitiful, but all the same very true. Thing was, it had been weeks now since his little wake up call and he still hadn't deterred that far from his beaten path to do all the things he thought he wanted to, or at least to try and do them. The furthest he'd gotten was implementing the almost rule that he couldn't brush off or talk himself out of talking to anyone he bumped into. It hadn't amounted to much just yet but that didn't mean that it wasn't going to. Luckily, Ivan had almost endless reserves of patience, so the fact that things weren't even going at a crawl wasn't really bothering him. Or at least, it wasn't bothering him enough for him to actively do something about it, like going looking for someone to talk to or owling anyone. Wouldn't want anyone falling over in shock if they received a letter from him that wasn't about anything to do with work, studying, university or borne of obligation. Okay so maybe it bothered him a little, especially the fact that he knew all of that. Sighing, he looked around him before stepping into the shop and ducking his head a little to avoid any trace of cobweb that was hanging from the ceiling and then turned his eyes to the many ingredients crammed into the small space. Sacks, vials, boxes and crates, all full to the brim with any number of things.

Collecting a nearby empty corked jar, he stooped to the nearest of the sacks bearing Doxie eggs and concentrated at breathing through his mouth. Perhaps he was overdue a chat with his mum, or his mum, to see what they thought or if they had some kind of advice to help him out. While he hated feeling vulnerable or helpless... he never felt ashamed for asking for help from his parents. In fact, he really enjoyed the times when he got to sit down with either or both of his mums just to see them, let alone when he actually had something fundamental that he needed a little aid with. And Lorraine, though he hadn't gotten the chance to catch up with his sister in... too long. Shit. He'd have to fix that soon, when he knew she wouldn't be too tired from her shifts at the hospital and he knew they'd both be home. Ugh, he was doing terribly already. Replacing the cork to the bottle, he carried it in his hand as he walked along the shelves too see if anything else sprang off the shelves at him that he might be needing, or even something that could encourage him to experiment with a new potion or even a concoction of his own. Looking up as someone moved near him, he smiled a little and relaxed his face from its usual serious expression. It had been a while since he'd seen the witch. "Anya... long time no see," he greeted her quietly, stepping closer to the shelves she was focusing on and scanning the rack. Dittany... nope. Elves ear... nope. He had both in abundance at home, carefully but firmly put away. Boomslang... well, it never hurt to stock up. Who could ever say when a polyjuice potion or other could come in handy?

My cherries and wine 

Rosemary and thyme

Outfit | @ ivan

    Anya had never expected to end up here, but she wasn't complaining. Sure, Lord Lestrange could sometimes -always- be a bit terrifying, he had some requests that occasionally made her very ashamed of herself, and had a tendency to leave her tied up when he was displeased -amongst the most bearable of punishments- but there was a plus point to all of this. It was better to have one client than several, especially one that paid for an apartment and for as much as she needed to live her life. A client that could make sure that the only person hurting her was him, and since she only saw him at night, that was fine. At the same time, he brewed his own elixir of euphoria, which was far more potent than any she'd been able to find anywhere. He gave her some when he came over and she really found that her hands shook until she got some more. She thought that that, more than the apartment or the money or the comfort of having only one person calling every night, was what would keep her chained there. Finally feeling something good, finally feeling happiness and warmth for once, even if it was artificial. 
    Her days were free, though, and for now the shaking in her hands was too subtle to notice before sunset and the discomfort of being without was merely an itch in the back on her mind. She would be fine and if Lord Lestrange showed up tonight then by tomorrow morning she would be good as new. If he didn't then she'd probably have to spend the day inside tomorrow, pacing and more than a little desperate. Those were not thoughts she wanted to entertain, though, because it was more than a little worrying to have such a deep addiction so soon. She knew for a fact that it was supposed to take longer. Perhaps it had to do with the severe depression that she'd been going through before all of this. Was she still depressed? She wasn't sure, the aftermath of the elixir usually got rid of those feelings and she found herself being more active. Maybe it was crazy, but she thought that living in captivity was doing her... good? She really needed to go to a shrink, but she thought that if Lord Lestrange figured out that was what she was spending his money on, he'd cut the whole thing off. Yeah, best not to risk it, because she didn't want to be cut off from this supply.
    Staying in these shopping streets was better, in case she needed to make a quick get away to her apartment. For now, she was good, so coming into Swindler's would be useful for today. She wouldn't brew anything herself of course, because who the hell wanted to do that, so she was gonna get a couple of bottles of potions and be done with it. Pepper ups, headache potions, anti-bruising salves. All that sort of shite. She hadn't been expecting to run into someone she knew, but the voice behind her was familiar and when she turned around to look her eyebrows went up. Oh- that face reminded her of forbidden whiskey at school and shy eyes. Anya couldn't help but smile. "Well, whaddaya know. Hadn't seen you there, Ivan." Coming closer, she leaned against the shelves beside him. They hadn't been all that very close but she thought they'd gotten along well enough. She'd had a lot of fun with him. "How've you been?"

Words: 591

► kaigra ◄

There's A Club If You'd Like

To Go

You Could Meet Somebody

Who Really Loves You

Anya was, in ways, the only person who had ever gotten close to him. In school they'd been friends, and during the house parties sometimes slightly more than that. She'd been the first Witch to see past his walls and all but laugh them away, had been his first kiss when it had been the last thing he had even imagined himself doing. And it was been so... relaxed. Never awkward because there wasn't anything to get tense about. It had just been a system of understanding that had worked for them until they both graduated, and he hadn't seen her since up until now. He'd barely seen anyone recently, actually, and that was almost entirely his fault. Cyril... he'd been pretty cold to Cyril the last time they'd spoken and he wasn't entirely sure how to fix that or if the other Wizard would even want him to try. He'd be seeing Vince later as they were going snatching that evening, having tracked a few adventurous, teenaged mudbloods to some dense Woodland close to a very remote village. Had seen Emily a few months ago. But all in all told, Ivan didn't really have any friends anymore and it was really starting to gnaw at him. His room seemed too small all of a sudden. His workstation in the Ministry almost too quiet. It was weird and he didn't think he held with it very much at all and yet there was a little voice that had merely said 'progress' and he was left to ponder over it in silence.

He had always enjoyed being alone, but never being lonely. And unfortunately for him those two things had taken to walking hand in hand so now being alone almost made him anxious. Like he was losing time. And it was all down to the fact that Jules had left and he'd suddenly no longer had anyone to speak to whenever he left his room, no one to run with, no banter. And then he'd come back and Ivan had realised the effect it had had on him- profound was a very mild word for it and he still wasn't sure it really did the situation justice- and how far down he had gone. Depression was... nigh. Anxiety was nigh. Codependency was apparently a real thing and he'd had it with his brother Jules and he hadn't even been aware of it. That wasn't healthy for either of them. But even now he felt out of sorts because he still wasn't seeing him all that often and when he did... things were tense. Soon he'd be speaking to Lorraine about it all instead of letting her be, simply because he needed both of his siblings very much in his life. He'd grown up watching over them and being the strong face and now that they didn't seem to want him around anymore and were grown up he didn't know what to do. Everything was different. Almost wrong. But in saying that he was wrong because they were perfectly entitled to their lives and didn't owe him a thing. There was something to all of this that he was missing and he didn't know what it was. 

First and foremost he had to finish up with what he was doing here so he could move onto doing something else, to see if constantly being on the move might pull something loose. He was so tired- exhausted even, because he was struggling to sleep with the running tensions- and he had dropped a few pounds again with being too stressed to eat, staying too busy to stop and think to grab anything. At the family dinner table he ate what he could which was less than he'd been eating before, yet he couldn't get himself to push past it. He would be fine because he had to be and because he refused to be anything else other than fine. Truth was that he was worried about absolutely everyone again and had been since the small feud over the head of Constance. His conscience was still eating him for siding with his Mums instead of Jules, even though now the latter was engaged to their cousin Aveline and was doing slightly better. He hadn't gotten a chance to speak to anyone properly in the last few months because they'd all been busy. The Minister was revoking old laws and instatements and not one of them knew why (or at least weren't saying) and he was concerned about what was coming. Because something had to be coming, right? Changes happened for a reason. No one just woke up one day and decided to undo a law that had been passed just because it was in their power to do so.  Or at least, he refused to believe that Lady Lestrange was as two dimensional as that or as shallow. 

Ivan moved slightly, reaching past Anya's face to pick up a stamina potion and inspect it slightly, smiling down at her as his eyes moved from the label to her own gaze. It had been a long time; Seven years, nearly. It was almost hard to believe that in a small city like this, they'd been able to all but avoid each other for nearly a decade. Life got busy like that he supposed, and things were unpredictable. "Busy, with Uni and the Ministry, so I can't complain," he replied quietly, adding the phial to his other hand and moving to stand beside her, leaning against the counter so he was facing her way. "And you? I'm surprised I haven't seen you around before now..." It was almost laughable to admit that aloud considering he was an almost recluse who had been nearly allergic to socialising not so long ago. Literally about a few days ago, if that. His gaze traveled over her face, taking in all the changes from the roots of her hair to the point of her chin from when he'd last seen her. Pretty, like before. Though her eyes seemed a little... flat. That wasn't really something to notice about someone though, was it? There could have been so many reasons for it. He could be bothering her right now for all he knew and she'd only sidled over out of politeness. Regardless of the reason, it wasn't his problem. He was just pleased to see her, was all.

TAG: @ Anya | WORDS: 1069 | NOTES: <3

MEL @ ADOXOGRAPHY

My cherries and wine

Rosemary and thyme

Outfit | @ Ivan

    There had been a time in which she'd hoped that her brother was still alive. The body had never been found, unlike with her parents, so there was still that minuscule chance that he might be living. Either in the hands of the people who killed their parents or hiding- but it was a futile hope, she knew that well. Her brother had never had a lick of sense in him, that was how they'd all ended up in that situation in the first place. There was no way he would have been able to escape or hide himself, and if he was taken- then he would be dead eventually and there was no way for her to help him. It was best to just let that hope die, and she did, eventually. When she left her aunt's house, trying to pick herself back up. When she went back to Lufkin and finished her degree. She had been trying, back then, to continue with her life and to get past all of it, but she wasn't able to. In fact, things got rather exponentially worse the longer she went on. Perhaps she should go to a shrink, but she wasn't in the right state for one right now. She was living under Lord Lestrange's control and as long as she had those elixirs, she was fine. Or, well, what could be passed at fine.
    It struck her that Ivan knew nothing of what had happened to her. She remembered a stoic, somewhat cold boy. Handsome, with sharp features, that she had just wanted to knock out of balance. Despite having great instincts for trouble, she had just wanted to ruffle his feathers. That was where the kissing had come in, though it hadn't been that much of a big deal. Well- she had enjoyed it but nothing had come from it, she hadn't been looking for anything and he was a pureblood boy with expectations on his shoulders. It was almost funny how much both of their lives had changed, hers for the worse and his for the better. She could imagine everything had improved for him since the Death Eater takeover. Well, she had also profited from it all, between getting the safer position at the Fleur and now this apartment from Lord Lestrange. It wasn't necessarily safer, but in her eyes, it was better. Only one client, the potions, all of that. He was far more dangerous but it didn't really matter to her. He only lashed out when she did something wrong and she was a quick learner. 
    "That sounds nice. What are you doing at uni? And at the Ministry?" She wasn't a great conversationalist, she would admit it. There had never been much point in her talking to her company lately, and the only person she really talked to tended to be Jules... in which case it was often Jules talking and Anya listening, occasionally offering advise but she never had to be kind or charismatic about it. Talking normally with other people wasn't a thing she'd done in a while. Perhaps only with Ilana and that- that had been a while ago. "Oh, well- a lot's happened, you know? Finished my degree but I've had some family issues. Haven't been very... sociable or active." Anya shrugged, watching him grab a potion and examine it. He had always been smart, in a different way than her. He'd been factually smart, good at learning and creating. Anya had just had a lot of common sense and good instincts. It hadn't helped her escape the situation she was in now, or any of the ones before it. Common sense wasn't very useful if one didn't listen to it. "But it's good to see you now, though. It's nice to see a face from the simple times of our Hogwarts days."  

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