And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

❧

29 June, 2018
Kolna Apartment #1A

Lester was still deciding what to do.

When the truth had come out and the Ministry had leveled Dorian with a hefty amount of fines (many of which he couldn’t pay himself), his oldest brother and head of the Nott House had been furious. He could tell by the quiet way he didn’t say anything that he was more than disappointed. Dorian had helped a mudblood. He could read it all over his face. Even Talia — Talia, his precious mother, who thought he could do no wrong because he was the spitting image of his father — had been disappointed. You are better than that, Dorian, so much better, she’d said quietly in her old age as she’d retreated back to have tea with Malcolm and Lester. Though he was still deciding what sort of punishment would befall his youngest “kid” brother, Dorian knew better than to assume this would pass without a storm. He was sure that Lester would come up with something.

And Malcolm. It had been a little over a year since he had seen his brother so disappointed in him. Not since he’d been found in Romania had Malcolm Nott looked on his younger brother with such…distain? Dorian had grown used to not disappointing those that he called family…but he supposed it was about time that he returned to his old ways. At least, some of them.

He wasn’t going to give up Cami. If that was the end all be all of his brother’s punishment, then he would tell Lester exactly where he could shove his pureblood elitism. No, Dorian cared far too much for the woman who had almost undeniably saved his life all those years ago. They’d grown close over the past few months — closer than Dorian had ever grown with anyone since Liesel. She’d become his everything, the reason he woke up in the morning, and what he looked forward to when he got back to the apartment. He supposed that was the reason it was so difficult to grapple with the fact that she wanted to return to this.

Dorian looked up at Kolna, rolling his eyes at the shoddy work they’d done to “fix up the place.” It looked like nothing more than a prison. An over-glorified excuse for “housing.” And this was what Cami had wanted to come back to. A part of him wanted to be angry with her. A part of him wanted to blame her for choosing this. But another part of him understood. She couldn’t stay cooped up in an apartment for the rest of her life. No matter if they loved each other or not.

He paused at the door to her apartment number — the same one he had visited a mere few weeks ago. They owled back and forth when they could and Dorian snuck into the apartments when he had a few spare hours away from his family. His hand rested on the doorknob of #1A. There was a familiar scent on the air — something that tickled a long forgotten part of Dorian. He immediately paused, his nose drawn into the air like a dog that had just smelled meat on the wind. He paused, feeling each hair on his arm and the back of his neck stand as adrenaline began coursing through his veins. How was that smell here? Why was it here?

As he pushed open the door to Cami’s apartment, the scent grew stronger — more concentrated. It didn’t take him long to realize what it was. Dorian flexed his fingers, trying hard to remain above his addiction. He hadn’t been face-to-face with it in nearly a year. Cold Turkey. That was the only thing that worked for him. “Cami?” Surely there was someone else here…maybe she had to step out for a few and her roommate had...but there she was. Sitting in the middle of it. Camille Ridley, his second addiction, sitting amongst his first.

696 ● @camille ● OUTFIT

[attr="class","cred"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

[newclass=.cred]text-align:center;font-size:6pt;color:rgb(132, 132, 132);letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;margin-top:5px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cred a]color:rgb(132, 132, 132);font-size:6pt;letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;[/newclass]

And I am
feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

❧
^{TW: MENTION OF DRUG USE}

It had been a slippery slope for Cami Ridley. Something that she had thought she’d was… well, not over. It wasn’t something that people just got over. It was something that stayed with them forever. The temptation was always there. It never went completely away. Sometimes, it was just easier to avoid than other times. And then, there were those moments where it had just felt like an itch that would always be there… an itch that she would just never be able to scratch. A part of her that would just never be fully satisfied, a part of her that would always want it. It was just a matter of being stronger than that part of her. That was what she had always told herself. It was what she had promised herself that she would always be. Stronger.

But she hadn’t been. That was what it had come down to. She had made the decision to go back to the Ministry. She had been ready to accept those consequences. But she hadn’t been prepared to get Dorian in trouble with her. Yes, it hadn’t been too much trouble. It was fines, and whatever his family came up with, but still. It was trouble that he was in because of her. And she didn’t even know what his family was going to decide. There was no way of knowing how that was going to go and that was because of her. It had been the first blow, but not the last. The hits had kept on coming, and when that had happened, it had only been a matter of time. A matter of time until her mind went there. She had been pretty good at not considering it to even be an option. She didn’t allow her mind to wander there, and she certainly didn’t let it stay there.

She had stopped fighting it. She had started thinking about it again, and once that had happened, there was no stopping it. She had ended up in some bar or club or… she barely remembered what it was, but she had found someone that had been selling and that had been the first time. The first, but not the last. Since then, she had been finding it however she could. Wherever she could. Usually in the Muggle world. She didn’t have money--what little money that Dorian had left for her she had long since spent, so she was left with other methods. That sort of thing worked better for her in the Muggle world. That was where there were people that remembered her, from when she’d stayed with Wes. She could work with that, and she had. It had gotten her what she had needed, when she had needed it.

Cami had kept writing to Dorian, of course. She had to act like everything was normal. She knew that he wouldn’t like this… he wouldn’t like it at all and wouldn’t approve of it. It was something that he’d dealt with for a long time and he was… sober. He was sober. And she was not. And hadn’t been in days. The descent had been happening for days, and if she wasn’t at work getting tortured, then she was at home making herself feel better with whatever she had closest to her. She needed it. Needed that feeling where she went numb and everything felt… better. She was calmer, her breathing slowed, life was easier. That was what she needed right now, more than anything else. He wouldn’t understand that and she knew it. So, she’d written to him. They’d been writing since his last visit and she knew that he wouldn’t be around for a while.

She knew that his brother was getting married, that he was leaving… soon? Tomorrow? Had he already left? She wasn’t sure. But she didn’t hear the door when it opened. The proof of what she had been doing wasn’t just on the coffee table in front of her. It was in the kitchen, in the bedroom… what was the point in hiding it? She certainly hadn’t seen a reason to. She was sitting up on the couch, her head back against it, tilted up toward the ceiling. Her eyes were closed--she felt very near sleeping, but maybe not quite there, and the world felt quiet. She could just listen to her own heartbeat. Slowly, but still there. One beat, then another… then another.

@ dorian | Outfit

[attr="class","cred"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

[newclass=.cred]text-align:center;font-size:6pt;color:rgb(132, 132, 132);letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;margin-top:5px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cred a]color:rgb(132, 132, 132);font-size:6pt;letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;[/newclass]

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

❧

Every time Cami would send a letter, Dorian would grow more and more homesick for her. For all his life, he hadn’t known what it meant to have a home. His family had estates, and buildings…they had property and possessions, but Dorian had never quite felt like he had had a home. At least, not until Camille had moved into his small little apartment. Although she was hiding and making herself scarce, Cami filled up every corner of Hapless Heights #3A. She made the apartment feel less like a dwelling and more like a place of living. Dorian couldn’t remember the last time that he’d felt so alive. Even if they were just talking until the sun rose in the morning, it was exactly what he had always needed. She was like bright sunlight illuminating all the dust that had surrounded him for so many years…and he didn’t deserve her.

That was what stood out the most to him during their time together. She was pure, kind, perfect. She’d pulled him away from the most destructive parts of himself and it was her that made him a better person.

But now, she was gone. Dorian woke up every morning without her. It was as if a cloud was hanging overhead — looming and threatening to downpour at every pass. This wasn’t like what had happened with Liesel. No, Cami wasn’t gone. She was just…far away. Though they exchanged letters like lovers across a vast continent, it wasn’t quite the same. It wasn’t like waking up with her gorgeous blue eyes staring at him and a smile playing on her lips.

Tomorrow would be difficult. Dorian was going so far away, but Malcolm needed him. He was getting married, for Merlin’s sake. Dor couldn't miss that (after all, he was certain Nika would never let him live it down if he did). That was the reason that he was here. Dorian wanted to check on her one last time. Now, he regretted everything.

It was like memories of his past — memories of their history — had been strewn about like cast-off clothing. The scent hung in the air, but the evidence was everywhere. Trash, needles, little rolls of paper. Dorian’s lips parted in surprise.

There she was.

Sitting among all of it was Camille, head tilted back, eyes closed. For a moment, he wondered if she was dead. The woman was so still and barely moving at all. He stood, unable to make himself move further into the room. Was it fear? Temptation? Dorian watched her chest rise and fall with a breath and felt himself breathe an audible sigh of relief. But was he relieved? “Cam…” His voice was hoarse and, every chance he got, Dorian was holding his breath. It would make it easier if that damn smell wasn’t accosting him every second. Focus. “Camille, what’re you…?” He couldn’t find the right words to question her. Dorian could do little more than stand there, his heart drumming in his chest.

@ camille

[attr="class","cred"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

[newclass=.cred]text-align:center;font-size:6pt;color:rgb(132, 132, 132);letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;margin-top:5px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cred a]color:rgb(132, 132, 132);font-size:6pt;letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;[/newclass]

And I am
feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

❧
^{TW: MENTION OF DRUG USE}

This had never been a life that she had wanted for herself. It wasn’t something that she had ever wanted to give into. She had told herself for a long time that she was stronger than that. Growing up with Cade as her only guardian, she had learned about his vices from early on… she had seen what that could do to people. Not only with him, but with every girlfriend that he’d brought home. Most had been just as bad as he was. Most were just as lost to the world as he was a lot of the time. So, from a young age, she had known that she didn’t want to be like them. She refused to be. Absolutely refused.

But her uncle had other plans. There had been little that she could do about that.

She had always wanted to protect her cousin. More than anything else, she wanted to make sure that September was okay. There was nothing that she wouldn’t do for her. There was nothing that she wouldn’t do to make sure that she was okay. That she was safe. Leaving her hadn’t been the ideal situation, but… when Wes had showed up at her uncle’s apartment, when a gun had very literally been pointed at her head. Well, she supposed not literally. It had been a knife to her throat, but that was just not the point at all. In a situation like that one, the only thing that she could do was cooperative.

Her uncle had sold her to Wes like she was a flat screen television or an heirloom pocket watch or whatever else junkies got their hands on to tell in order to afford their habit. She’d just happened to be the only thing that he had to give and Wes was just fucked up enough to think that was a good trade. Even then, she had been so sure that she was never going to give in. She would do what she had to in order to keep September safe. If she had refused, Cade likely would have given his daughter to him instead of his niece. And she was stronger than September. She just was. She had been sure that she could handle it.

She hadn’t been able to handle it. Obviously. Eventually, she had been just as bad as the rest of them. Her first hit hadn’t been by choice. It had been Wes’s doing… he wanted her more compliant and that was exactly what he had gotten. He had gotten her exactly where he wanted her, doing anything that he wanted in order to get more of what he had to offer. For a long time, that had been her life. She just did what he wanted. If he wanted her sleeping in his bed, alone or with others, or on his floor, or cleaning the house. It hadn’t mattered. She would do it.

It had taken her a long time to get past that period in her life. But she had. She had moved forward. She had been clean for four years. She had started to form a life for herself--sure, it hadn’t been great. Bartending at The Leaky Cauldron was hardly the most impressive job in the world but it had been a real job. And she’d had a real apartment. Cami had been proud of herself. She had been. And then everything had changed again. Even with the registration, she had wanted to be okay. She hadn’t wanted to be tempted.

But she had been, again and again. She couldn’t help it. Maybe it was inevitable. As much as she had wanted to think that she was above it all, an addiction never really went away. It was always there. It was just about being stronger than it. Every day. It was about choosing not to, when there was an ache in her bones telling her that she needed it. An ache that she knew would never go away until she gave in. And she finally had.

She felt better now. Nothing hurt. It made her work feel more tolerable, it made being in this apartment easier. It made the guilt she felt for dragging Dorian into this mess go away. Everything was easier this way. Everything went away, and she could just focus on… nothing. On everything. On whatever she wanted. Her focus had been on her heartbeat--slow, but very much there, until she’d heard a voice. Dorian. Had she conjured him up? Surely, she would have heard the door open. But when she opened her eyes, he was there.

She knew that she should feel panic. She hadn’t told him that she’d--she hadn’t wanted him to know. Not when he was trying as hard as he was to get his own life together. But she wasn’t panicked. Not at all. Instead, a lazy smile formed on her lips. “Dorian… babe. Hi.” She tried to focus on him, shifted forward on the couch a little, but her entire body felt heavy, making the movement more work than she’d been expecting. “I didn’t know you were coming…” That much was obvious. If she had, she would have tried to be in less of a state. She knew what he was going to think… didn’t she? Was he really one to judge?

@ dorian | Outfit

[attr="class","cred"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

[newclass=.cred]text-align:center;font-size:6pt;color:rgb(132, 132, 132);letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;margin-top:5px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cred a]color:rgb(132, 132, 132);font-size:6pt;letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;[/newclass]

AND I WILL SWALLOW MY PRIDE
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I LOVE
AND I'M SAYING GOODBYE

❧

It was like he was falling…falling back into time and his own history. Dorian squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to block it all out, but the darkness behind his own lids seemed to make it worse. In there, there was no solace…there was no peace. There was only the steady beat of his heart and the cascade of memories. One, in particular, stood out in his mind. Dorian was lying on his back, staring up at the popcorn ceiling of a drug den, his eyes lulling back into his head every so often. Everything was hazy, sort of like it was now. He reached out for something…maybe it was a ghost…maybe it was just smoke. He could hear himself laugh. It didn’t even sound like him, anymore. This didn’t feel like him.

She appeared out of nowhere, her eyes bright, her hair wild. She looked…compassionate, kind. Dorian knew that face like the back of his hand, now. After all, Cami had spent nearly six months in his apartment, hiding from the muggleborn regulations. But at the time, he didn’t know. For years after that, he called her his angel. He would’ve died that night, he was sure of it. He had been so far over his head — so far gone — that if someone hadn’t come to his rescue, he would’ve just slipped away into nothingness. But she had saved him.

He couldn’t save her now.

Dorian’s eyes opened in a flash and he fell slightly to his left, his hand on his chest, the other steadying his body against one of the shabby end tables in the Kolna apartment. He felt like he couldn’t breathe in here. He felt like he didn’t want to breathe. Every time he inhaled, it was like a fire in his lungs threatening to burn through his entire body.

Her voice, sweet and melodic, carried towards him, enticing him to move further into the room and close to her. Dorian knew that he shouldn’t. It felt like a trap, but every neuron that was firing told him to go, go.

Cami pitched forward on the couch, looking as if she was going to topple over it altogether and Dorian fought the urge to help her. It was horrible, he knew, not to reach out his hand or steady her, but he wasn’t sure that he could get any closer. He wasn’t sure that he could handle it. His restraint had been iron-clad the last year, but that was because he hadn’t put himself in situations like this. He knew better than to play with fire, but today, Cami had let the whole thing go up in flames.

He was afraid to shut his eyes again – afraid that the memories that haunted him would flood back into his brain. Instead, Dorian tried to focus on something. Her face. Beautiful. She looked older than she had the night they had met. Dark brown eyes, glossy. Hair cascading around her face in messy waves. Lips parted ever so slightly as they formed around words that enticed him to move closer to hear her. Dorian planted his feet. “I…it was…” Merlin’s Beard, what was he trying to say? He couldn’t think straight for more than a few seconds. “Sorry,” he wasn’t sure why he was apologizing, but a part of him felt like he was intruding on something he was never meant to see. Then again, perhaps it was exactly what he needed to see. “I just thought you could use company. I should go, though,” Apparently, she had enough company. Everything scattered around her was evidence of that.

@ cami | 605

[attr="class","cred"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

[newclass=.cred]text-align:center;font-size:6pt;color:rgb(132, 132, 132);letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;margin-top:5px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cred a]color:rgb(132, 132, 132);font-size:6pt;letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;[/newclass]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","cbg"]

[attr="class","cbgtop"]

[attr="class","cimg"]

[attr="class","clbox"]

[attr="class","ctopline"]AND I AM

[attr="class","cscriptmud"]feeling so small

[attr="class","cline"]

[attr="class","clyrics"]IT WAS OVER MY HEAD[break]
I KNOW NOTHING AT ALL

[break][break]

[attr="class","cbody"]

trigger warning

[break][break]
She had wanted to be stronger than this.
[break][break]
She had thought that she was. For so long, she had managed to hold off every stray thought, every passing temptation. She had been able to tell herself that it wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth throwing her years of sobriety down the drain. It wasn’t worth it. Nothing would ever be worth that. Ever.
[break][break]
Cami couldn’t have claimed to have the best life. There were others that had had worse. She knew that. As bad as it had gotten, there was always someone who was worse off. Losing her parents had changed the course of her life, even if she didn’t remember it. She didn’t know where she would be if she’d still had them. But there was no use dwelling on something like that. There was no use thinking about anything that would make her sad. That was what she wanted to go away. She wanted everything bad to feel… better. She wanted it all to just be a little further away.
[break][break]
That was something that she had been able to keep at bay for a long time, but with everything that had happened when she had made the decision to turn herself in… she couldn’t keep it away anymore. She wasn’t strong enough to go through all of this again and she wasn’t strong enough to keep from dragging Dorian down with her. She never should have let him get involved--now his family knew that he had been helping a Muggleborn and his relationship with all of them had just started getting better.
[break][break]
She didn’t even want to think about all of the ways she had messed up his life since he had come into it. Yes, maybe he had thought that he had owed her because she had helped him out of a tough spot years back. But that was just who she was. He was not the first person that she had gotten out of that house and he hadn’t been the last. She had known that she couldn’t get out, that she couldn’t leave, so she had done everything she could to stop people before they got in too deep.
[break][break]
He had been one of those people. He was someone she hadn’t seen there before, and he just had seemed… different.
[break][break]
But he had paid her back for that a thousand times over. He hadn’t just saved her life when he had gotten her out of Icarus. He had also took her in and gave her somewhere to stay. He had kept her safe. Their relationship had obviously changed during that time and he had stopped doing things because he felt like he owed her, but still. She shouldn’t have let him get as involved as he had.
[break][break]
And now… now she wanted to stop thinking about how she had ruined everything.
[break][break]
She had admitted to herself that she wasn’t strong enough and for a while, she just wanted to feel like everything was all right. One time had turned into more than that, and now she knew that she was falling down that rabbit hole. She just thought that it was exactly where she belonged. It made her feel better. Did anything else matter? She didn’t think that anything else needed to matter. Maybe Dorian would realize that. Maybe it would be okay.
[break][break]
Focusing on him was harder than it should be, and her reaction was delayed when she shook her head. “No, I… do want company. You should stay…” He looked like he was about ready to bolt right out the door. It made her remember exactly why she hadn’t wanted him to see this. But she didn’t want him to go… he was the only face that she wanted to see…
[break][break]

[attr="class","cnotes"]629 ● @ please don't leave ● outfit

[attr="class","cred"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

[googlefont=Dancing Script]
[newclass=.cbg]width:400px;background:#262626;padding:30px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cbgtop]width:400px;height:120px;text-align:left;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cimg]float:left;width:100px;height:100px;padding:10px;border:1px #aaa solid;[/newclass]
[newclass=.clbox]float:right;height:100px;margin:15px 5px auto auto;text-align:justify;width:257px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.ctopline]font-size:9px;letter-spacing:2px;text-transform:uppercase;font-family:verdana;color:#aaa;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cscriptmud]font-size:23px;margin-top:-3px;font-family:Dancing Script;color:#6f1c1c;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cscriptmud span]color:#ccc;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cline]height:1px;background-color:#888;margin:3px auto;[/newclass]
[newclass=.clyrics]font-size:8px;letter-spacing:1px;text-transform:uppercase;text-align:justify;font-family:verdana;color:#999;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cbody]font-family:verdana;color:#999;font-size:10px;text-align:justify;line-height:14px;letter-spacing:0.5px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cnotes]font-size:9px;letter-spacing:1px;text-align:center;opacity:0.8;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cred]text-align:center;font-size:6pt;color:rgb(132, 132, 132);letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cred a]color:rgb(132, 132, 132);font-size:6pt;letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;[/newclass]

[attr="class","reason1"]

[attr="class","reasonbg1"]

[attr="class","reasonbig1"]

say something

[attr="class","reasonsmall1"]AND I WILL SWALLOW MY PRIDE YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I LOVE AND I'M SAYING GOODBYE

[attr="class","reasonbod1"]He wanted to keep himself here. Stand in the middle of this room, hold out his palms and accept his face. Because this was what Dorian had wanted for months. He’d wanted relapse and escape. He’d wanted to stop thinking about the world around him and start thinking about only himself.

That was the nature of his addiction – it was but a simple way to escape from the outside world. What he hadn’t realized was that by kicking his addiction to the drugs and alcohol, he’d simultaneously made another. He was addicted to Camille Ridley – to her scent and her smile and her words. He was addicted to being around her – to saving her. And now, she stood in front of him, offering Dorian a choice.

He could choose her. The beautiful woman who had been his salvation when nothing else could draw him from the tangled web that he had created. Or he could choose himself…the man that was forever a work in progress. The sort of man that probably didn’t deserve to be here. Dorian drew in a deep breath, steadying himself without actually moving.

He didn’t want this. For once in his life, he didn’t want to slip back into oblivion and disappear for weeks, months, years. He wanted his career and his life. He wanted to be something more than a dead-beat uncle that spent half of his lifespan running around like a bat out of hell.

“I shouldn’t,” Dorian said, and this time, there was an edge to his voice. He couldn’t keep it in anymore. What she was doing…he couldn’t do it. Dorian couldn’t go down that path…not again. A part of him mourned, already, for what this might mean. If he did it he could lose everything. Pippa, his relationship with his brother, himself. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. But that also meant walking away from the woman who had come to mean everything to him over the past few months. Cami had saved his life years ago and he had saved hers. Now, perhaps they were even. Was it better to quit while he was ahead?

“I can’t stay,” he stood, abruptly, avoiding her eye-contact. He didn’t want to see her like this. A part of him just wanted to remember her as the picturesque vision sitting in front of the window of his flat. He wanted to remember the way the slats of his blinds drew lines across her face – the way her smile lit up the room. No, Dorian didn’t want to remember her as this…here and now. Because when he looked at her in the dirty, grimy, muggleborn apartment. He felt…detest.

But he didn’t make a move to leave, at least, not yet. Although he was looking at her with detest, he needed to make sure that she would be alright. Taking in a deep breath and dragging his hand down his face, Dorian tried not to think about the fact that he was within such close access to his vices. “What’d you take?” he asked, gruffly.

[attr="class","reasontag1"]@ i choose me | 507 | OUTFIT

[attr="class","cred1"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

[googlefont=Fjalla One]
[newclass=.reason1]width:390px;background-color:#404040;padding:35px;border:1px #595959 solid;[/newclass][newclass=.reasonbg1]background-color:#d6c189;padding:10px;height:115px[/newclass][newclass=.reasonbig1]margin:-16px 0px 0px 115px;padding:0px 0px 0px 15px;font-size:30px;font-family:Fjalla One;text-align:left;color:#eee;text-transform:uppercase;[/newclass][newclass=.reasonsmall1]font-family:verdana;font-size:10px;letter-spacing:1px;color:#eee;text-align:left;[/newclass][newclass=.reasonbod1]background-color:#595959;padding:20px;font-family:verdana;font-size:10px;line-height:14px;text-align:justify;color:#eee;[/newclass][newclass=.reasonbod1 b]color:#d6c189;[/newclass][newclass=.reasontag1]background-color:#d6c189;padding:20px;font-family:verdana;font-size:9px;text-align:center;color:#eee;letter-spacing:1px;[/newclass][newclass=.cred1]text-align:center;font-size:6pt;color:rgb(132, 132, 132);letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;margin-top:5px;[/newclass][newclass=.cred a1]color:rgb(132, 132, 132);font-size:6pt;letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;[/newclass]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","cbg"]

[attr="class","cbgtop"]

[attr="class","cimg"]

[attr="class","clbox"]

[attr="class","ctopline"]AND I AM

[attr="class","cscriptmud"]feeling so small

[attr="class","cline"]

[attr="class","clyrics"]IT WAS OVER MY HEAD[break]
I KNOW NOTHING AT ALL

[break][break]

[attr="class","cbody"]trigger warning
[break][break]
Crawling out of the hole that she’d fallen into all of those years ago hadn’t been easy. It had been hard—every single day, it had been hard. Even when she had detoxed, even when everything had been out of her system, it hadn’t been easy. She had thought that it would be—hoped that it would be, maybe. But it hadn’t been.
[break][break]
It should have been, in her mind. It wasn’t like this had ever been her choice. She had seen what her uncle’s vices had done to him. She had known that she had never wanted to be like that. It had disgusted her to think what he would do to get his hands on his next fix, and how little he cared about the people that he hurt. She had never wanted to be like that. She refused to.
[break][break]
But then he had traded her like she was nothing. It was something that sounded so unbelievable, something that a person just shouldn’t be able to do. They shouldn’t be able to just decide that your life belonged to someone else’s just like that, but it was exactly what had happened. She knew that she could have said no. She could have left that house and never returned, but she had known what would happen if she had done that. As much as she wanted to think that he wouldn’t just hand off his daughter for another fix, Cami had known that he would. Deep down, she had known. There was nothing redeemable about him. Cade Ridley only cared about himself.
[break][break]
So, she had gone. She had gone, so that her cousin didn’t have to, and that had ended with a needle in her arm. Most times, addiction was a choice. It was disease, but it started with a choice. But it hadn’t. Not for her. The first time that she had felt the effects of whatever Wes had wanted her to take, it had been his hands that held the needle.
[break][break]
When she had gotten clean, she had thought that it was going to be easy, simply because that had never been her choice. It had never been what she had wanted to do, who she wanted to be. But it hadn’t been. Every day since then, she’d had to fight against her impulses, against her desires, to tell herself that she was stronger than them. That she was going to continue to be stronger than them.
[break][break]
Even when she had first registered, even after her first weeks of being tortured on a daily basis, she had stayed strong. She had told herself that she wasn’t going to let it break her down, even if it was tempting.
[break][break]
And it had been. She had thought about how much easier it would be if she didn’t have to feel everything as fiercely. If she could just dull the pain, it would make it easier to get through the day. Somehow, she’d held out, through all of that, and then Dorian had saved her. And with him, those urges got quieter still.
[break][break]
She should have known how hard it was going to be, coming back here, but everything was better now. It was easier. All of the reasons that she’d had for staying clean had seemed so silly now. So unimportant, because she felt good. Lighter. Everything felt a little better—curses didn’t hurt as much, the lingering pain was easier to ignore. But she knew that there was a reason that she hadn’t wanted Dorian to know.
[break][break]
It was too late now. There was no going back. No turning back from this. “I…” It was hard to focus on him. He felt very far away, even when he was standing completely still. “Just some H…” Her lips formed the words slowly, and her gaze on him was unfocused. He was far away now. He felt very far away.
[break][break]

[attr="class","cnotes"]650 ● @ i'm sorry ● outfit

[attr="class","cred"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

[googlefont=Dancing Script]
[newclass=.cbg]width:400px;background:#262626;padding:30px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cbgtop]width:400px;height:120px;text-align:left;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cimg]float:left;width:100px;height:100px;padding:10px;border:1px #aaa solid;[/newclass]
[newclass=.clbox]float:right;height:100px;margin:15px 5px auto auto;text-align:justify;width:257px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.ctopline]font-size:9px;letter-spacing:2px;text-transform:uppercase;font-family:verdana;color:#aaa;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cscriptmud]font-size:23px;margin-top:-3px;font-family:Dancing Script;color:#6f1c1c;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cscriptmud span]color:#ccc;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cline]height:1px;background-color:#888;margin:3px auto;[/newclass]
[newclass=.clyrics]font-size:8px;letter-spacing:1px;text-transform:uppercase;text-align:justify;font-family:verdana;color:#999;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cbody]font-family:verdana;color:#999;font-size:10px;text-align:justify;line-height:14px;letter-spacing:0.5px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cnotes]font-size:9px;letter-spacing:1px;text-align:center;opacity:0.8;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cred]text-align:center;font-size:6pt;color:rgb(132, 132, 132);letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cred a]color:rgb(132, 132, 132);font-size:6pt;letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;[/newclass]

[attr="class","reason1"]

[attr="class","reasonbg1"]

[attr="class","reasonbig1"]

say something

[attr="class","reasonsmall1"]AND I WILL SWALLOW MY PRIDE YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I LOVE AND I'M SAYING GOODBYE

[attr="class","reasonbod1"]He knew how it would make him feel.

A hit and he’d be floating on a cloud. He’d be weightless – painless. He’d finally be free of this world and everything that was tying him here. One hit and he could fly away with Cami to the place that they belonged. One hit and…

Dorian stopped himself from thinking about it. He couldn’t do it. If he fell down the slippery slope, it would hurt. Because at the end of every fall was the thorns. There was a ditch. The pricks of reality that reminded him why he didn’t use. The disappointment and the feeling of failure. Dorian drew in a deep breath – not deep enough to intoxicate himself with the smell he was clearly imagining in the air, but deep enough to momentarily clear his head.

He would get through this. He always did, didn’t he? But this time, he wouldn’t need Malcolm or even Cami to bring him out on the other side. He was strong enough to get through this by himself, wasn’t he?

The problem was, he knew that he couldn’t take Cami with him. Seeing her here like this was like having his heart ripped out and trampled. He couldn’t save her. Because for once in his life, he was choosing to save himself.

A part of Dorian knew that made him a terrible person. He was going to abandon the one person that had always been there for him. But, he also knew that sometimes difficult choices needed to be made on the path he traveled. Today – at this moment – he could do nothing for Cami. He couldn’t bring her down from the high she was experiencing or draw her out of it. Because that slippery slope would threaten him. He needed to make this choice for himself. For his sobriety.

“H? Really, Cami?” He could feel the edge in his voice, but he couldn’t stop it. Dorian wasn’t sure what to do next. He clenched his fists, shaking his head. She was gone, he reminded himself. The Cami that he loved was gone right now. She was buried somewhere beneath needles and tourniquets. All that was left was this…shell sitting in front of him. And you couldn’t save a shell without breaking it.

“I can’t – I need to go,” he turned, now, avoiding the blank gaze that sometimes lingered on him. He didn’t want to see this anymore.

Malcolm must have felt this way every time he had come to his rescue. Watching him wither on the floor – fight him. He must have felt disgusted by the man that his brother had become. But he must have experienced a similar heartbreak, too. Because at the end of the day, that was the emotion that rang out most clearly. He was heartbroken. “I can’t stay here and you know I can’t.”

He shook his head. “I’ll…owl you, or something. Check on you,” but he wasn’t sure that he would. Because right now, he wanted nothing more than to never see this woman again. Because even love could not fix what she had done.

[attr="class","reasontag1"]@ this is goodbye | 518 | OUTFIT

[attr="class","cred1"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

[googlefont=Fjalla One]
[newclass=.reason1]width:390px;background-color:#404040;padding:35px;border:1px #595959 solid;[/newclass][newclass=.reasonbg1]background-color:#d6c189;padding:10px;height:115px[/newclass][newclass=.reasonbig1]margin:-16px 0px 0px 115px;padding:0px 0px 0px 15px;font-size:30px;font-family:Fjalla One;text-align:left;color:#eee;text-transform:uppercase;[/newclass][newclass=.reasonsmall1]font-family:verdana;font-size:10px;letter-spacing:1px;color:#eee;text-align:left;[/newclass][newclass=.reasonbod1]background-color:#595959;padding:20px;font-family:verdana;font-size:10px;line-height:14px;text-align:justify;color:#eee;[/newclass][newclass=.reasonbod1 b]color:#d6c189;[/newclass][newclass=.reasontag1]background-color:#d6c189;padding:20px;font-family:verdana;font-size:9px;text-align:center;color:#eee;letter-spacing:1px;[/newclass][newclass=.cred1]text-align:center;font-size:6pt;color:rgb(132, 132, 132);letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;margin-top:5px;[/newclass][newclass=.cred a1]color:rgb(132, 132, 132);font-size:6pt;letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;[/newclass]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","cbg"]

[attr="class","cbgtop"]

[attr="class","cimg"]

[attr="class","clbox"]

[attr="class","ctopline"]AND I AM

[attr="class","cscriptmud"]feeling so small

[attr="class","cline"]

[attr="class","clyrics"]IT WAS OVER MY HEAD[break]
I KNOW NOTHING AT ALL

[break][break]

[attr="class","cbody"]

TRIGGER WARNING[break]
^{mention of drug use}

[break][break]
She had always known how easy it would be to go right back down that path. Addiction wasn’t something that was ever cured. It wasn’t something that you ever got over. Every single day was a fight. You had to wake up, ready to fight that voice in your head—that voice was louder some days than others. Sometimes, it was just a whisper in the back of your head, urging you in a direction that you didn’t want to go in. Other times, it was louder. It could be so loud that it was all she could hear, all she could think about… even after four years, she’d still had those days. Those days when it had just been so tempting that she’d known, if it was in front of her, she likely wouldn’t be able to resist.
[break][break]
But she had pulled herself far enough from that world to make sure that access wasn’t that easy. That was the barrier that she needed. That protected her from making bad choices. People from her old life had been cut off—she couldn’t allow herself that close to people, when they would make giving her what the voice wanted easy on the loud days.
[break][break]
Cami had known that she could stop herself from going out and finding it. And she had. For four years, she had always beaten that temptation. But she supposed it had only been a matter of time. There was always going to be a day when she wasn’t going to be strong enough. Even if it hadn’t happened because of the registration, because of her being tortured on a daily basis, there would have been something. Eventually, there would have been something else that pushed her over the edge.
[break][break]
So when she had reached that edge a few weeks back, when that voice had been loud enough for her to go into London to find what she was looking for, she’d jumped. There had been no backing away from the edge, no changing her mind. There had been no ignoring what she had needed that night. And from that point on, it had been easy. Getting what she wanted without money was not pleasant business, but it was possible.
[break][break]
She had never wanted Dorian to know about it. A part of her had known that it would all be over then. He wouldn’t want to join her, wouldn’t sit down on the couch with her and join her in the stupor. It would be nice. Peaceful. They could be peaceful, together. Their minds could quiet, but they would be together. But he didn’t want that. “Just a little…” He seemed so far away even as he was standing there, and she knew that she had lost him. He was gone already, even as he stood there.
[break][break]
And she couldn’t bring herself to try to stop him. To say something—anything. Deep down, the Camille Ridley that loved him was begging her to say something, to do something. To stop him… from leaving, from hating her, from never coming back. But that Cami was far away. Far, far away.
[break][break]
Even as he spoke again, she could only bring herself to nod. “Sure, yeah—I’ll talk to you… later then.” Her head fell back against the couch again, eyes fluttering shut.
[break][break]

[attr="class","cnotes"]552 ● @ please ● outfit

[attr="class","cred"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

[googlefont=Dancing Script]
[newclass=.cbg]width:400px;background:#262626;padding:30px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cbgtop]width:400px;height:120px;text-align:left;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cimg]float:left;width:100px;height:100px;padding:10px;border:1px #aaa solid;[/newclass]
[newclass=.clbox]float:right;height:100px;margin:15px 5px auto auto;text-align:justify;width:257px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.ctopline]font-size:9px;letter-spacing:2px;text-transform:uppercase;font-family:verdana;color:#aaa;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cscriptmud]font-size:23px;margin-top:-3px;font-family:Dancing Script;color:#6f1c1c;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cscriptmud span]color:#ccc;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cline]height:1px;background-color:#888;margin:3px auto;[/newclass]
[newclass=.clyrics]font-size:8px;letter-spacing:1px;text-transform:uppercase;text-align:justify;font-family:verdana;color:#999;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cbody]font-family:verdana;color:#999;font-size:10px;text-align:justify;line-height:14px;letter-spacing:0.5px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cnotes]font-size:9px;letter-spacing:1px;text-align:center;opacity:0.8;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cred]text-align:center;font-size:6pt;color:rgb(132, 132, 132);letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;[/newclass]
[newclass=.cred a]color:rgb(132, 132, 132);font-size:6pt;letter-spacing:1px;font-family:verdana;[/newclass]