The Way Things Were

Beckett Archibald Graves | Outfit

Sometimes, very rarely - and the word very here is not used loosely - Meredith would have a little dream. Just a small thought experience, a ‘what if’ that would occasionally - very occasionally - nag her at the back of her mind. It was all very innocent - again, not used loosely - but that didn’t change the fact that that thought existed somewhere in Meredith’s mind. It was a very simple question: what if nothing had ever changed? What if things were… the way they used to be? No lying, no political conflict with the man she loved, no divorce… what if none of it had never happened and things went back to the way they were before all of this happened?

That simple, innocent, and rare - most certainly rare - thought caused both a flutter in her heart and a sick feeling in her stomach. So not much had changed in the last twenty or so years.

Taking a deep breath and shaking her head, Meredith tried to clear her head. As she stared up at Graves Hall, this was one of the rare moments that the thought would come barrelling into Meredith’s mind. Her and Carson had spent plenty of time here together, and even after the divorce she hadn't hesitated to stop by. It was where two of her closest friends lived, after all. However, ever since the Death Eaters had taken over the Ministry, Meredith felt differently about the large house. Now, every time she walked up the stone path to the front door, her heart would start racing at the thought of the mere possibility that Carson could be the one opening that door.

Stop it, for Merlin’s sake, Meredith scolded herself. Today was a day to catch up with Beck. After her lunch with Olivia yesterday, Meredith had realized how relaxing it was to be around her friends. With so much going on in her life, on top of her somewhat irrational fear of running into Carson, she hadn’t visited Beck and Liv as much as she would have liked. Besides, she had a feeling that if Beck realized she was having lunch with Liv and not even paying him a visit, she would never hear the end of it.

Reaching the doorstep, Meredith raised her hand and rang the doorbell. This would be an interesting day, to say the least. Quite obviously, her friendship with Beck was significantly different than her friendship with Liv. And, if Meredith was being completely honest, she did feel a bit betrayed when she had found out that Beck had been a Death Eater all along (not to mention the fact that he had kept Carson’s involvement a secret as well) - but at the same time, the revelation had, curiously, softened her. She couldn’t quite explain it, but Meredith found herself being uncharacteristically understanding. Perhaps it was something to do with getting older.

Can it be
that it was all
so simple then

❧

He remembered when he had told Olivia that he was a Death Eater. It was something that she obviously needed to know. It wasn’t something that he was going to lie about and she had taken it better than he had expected. He supposed he hadn’t known how she was going to react, but it had not been bad. She had not been scared off. Merlin knew that he had never been the most passionate Death Eater in the world--he was far more concerned with his career than what the Death Eaters were doing, but he had still been a part of it. It was still something that he was involved in, so when the Dark Lord had fallen, he had known that there was a chance that he was going to go down with him. Of course, he was just a Graves. Just from a halfblood family with very little connection to the dark arts at all. He wasn’t as at risk as some people were. But he still could have gone down for it too if he wasn’t careful. It had been Liv that had kept him safe. That was exactly the sort of thing that she was good at, as a lawyer.

So, him being a Death Eater was something that had been a well-kept secret for years. They had gone about their lives normally after everything. They had been focused on their jobs, focused on their family, and their friends. Their lives had been pretty normal. They had… normal friends. Beckett knew that Meredith did not believe what they did and he knew, for a long time, that she had no idea that Carson was a Death Eater. Did he think that was right? No. He thought, and had told his friend on more a few occasions, that he should tell her the truth. But at the end of the day, that was his own choice to make, and it wasn’t Beck’s place to do anything about it. In the end, that secret had come out eventually… and so had his. He had been quite sure that Meredith wouldn’t want anything to do with him after that--which was a shame. She had been a good friend over the years, to him and Liv and… despite her beliefs, he knew he’d miss having her around.

But, surprisingly, she seemed willing to look the other way when it came to what he was. It wasn’t as if he was that active of a Death Eater these days anyway. They were the force behind the Ministry, but since the Ministry was not at risk, they were safe. They were marking new Death Eaters but he didn’t know anyone that wanted involved--and Merlin forbid if Cal had wanted to get the mark. He thought he would have had to put his foot down on that one, and that would have probably looked bad. But he just saw no reason for Cal to do something like that, so he was glad that he’d never showed any interest in that sort of thing. Thankfully. He thought that one of the biggest mistakes that he’d made had been revealing that he was a Death Eater when Ares took power. Yes, supporting his friend had been important--but now he wasn’t in charge anymore, and there was no way of knowing what was going to happen in the future.

He didn’t want Cal to have that kind of uncertainty. It wasn’t something that he thought was all that important anymore. Beck didn’t know when that had changed. He supposed he had never been the most passionate Death Eater in the world. It was just something that his father had wanted him to do, and so he had. That had been a lot of it. But it wasn’t something that he could just stop being, even though he had other priorities. It just didn’t work like that. But that was fine. They weren’t doing all that much, so it was easy to go about his life as normal. Work, family, friends. The things that actually mattered to him. It was Saturday, and Liv was out with Anderson somewhere or another. Beck had thought he’d likely spend most of his day outside working on the lawns or… something. It was exhausting work, but there was something strangely satisfying about doing the work by hand. After a couple of hours, he thought it was past time for a break. He had been heading toward the kitchen for some water when he heard a knock, and he detoured in that direction. He grinned when he saw who was at the door. “Mere. Come in.” He took a step back so that she could come into the house.

@ meredith | Outfit

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The biggest lesson that Meredith had learned from the war was that not everyone deserved help. It was a bitter, hardened thing to say, but she had watched to many people get healed only to die so soon, and others only to turn tail and hide. The best example of this, though, in her mind, would always be Carson. They had been Healer and Patient at first, and it wasn't as if she had saved him from some horribly life-threatening injury, but she had healed him. And Meredith had the habit of torturing herself with the question of how things would have turned out, had she not done that. They might have never met. They might have never fallen in love. He would have never had the chance to lie to her - both about being a Death Eater and his less than legal Potions work. But it had all happened because she had healed him. In her mind, anyways.

The next thought to follow would always be, you also wouldn't have had Idris, daft woman, and that was enough to set her straight. For all of the things that Carson had done or said to make her push him out of her life, there would always be Idris. And at the end of the day, she did love him - had loved him. Meredith refused to acknowledge any chance that she could still love him. He had lied to her about his Death Eater involvement, both before and after she had joined the Order. Let her talk to him about her missions - how much of that information had he used against them? The illegal potions was more of a breaking point, than anything else. That was the last thing she could allow around her son.

The fact of the matter was, though, that it was just the lying that had gotten to her. That she would have protected him, had she known he was a Death Eater. Not because she believed in the cause - far from it - but because she loved him, and if he would have been honest with her, he would have deserve her understanding, at the very least. His parents had been Death Eaters in the first war, after all. Meredith thought she might have even listened to whatever reasoning he had for his potioneering work, had he been forward about it.

It all came down to lying, though, and that's what scared Meredith the most. Because her life was filled with lies - her mother lying to her father, and her lying to Idris more than anything else... she feared that the next time she saw Carson - if she ever had to see him again - she would not be able to play the martyr any longer. Not in a magical world where the Death Eaters were the powerful ones. And certainly not when she looked at Beck and Liv, and saw how perfectly fine they were managing, despite everything they had gone through.

But Beck had always been honest with Liv - that much was obvious, and that was the major difference. Still, though, they managed fine with their family and it almost - almost - made Meredith yearn for something she could have had. Almost was a strong word, though. She had still lost too much to Voldemort's cause to be eagerly opening her arms to the idea of... well, it was mad, really. It was mad that it ever crossed her mind, even twenty-one years later.

The biggest reason that people like Beck and Jasper were somewhat exempt to her usual keep-purity-drama-out-of-my-life mindset was, in Meredith's opinion, because they didn't owe her anything. They didn't owe her honesty, and their friendship had been forged on some level of mutual respect. Carson, however, did owe her honesty. Until death, technically speaking - but that vow was out the window now. Meredith returned Beck's grin when he opened the door, deciding it was best to put all of that out of her mind - or at least try to. She entered the house and said, "Thanks, Beck. Quieter than I would expect for a Saturday in this house." Meredith laughed lightly as she said this.

Can it be
that it was all
so simple then

❧

It wasn’t often that he got the house completely to himself--in the summer months, anyway. It was always strange when Cal and Lyla went off to school and it was just him, Liv, and Anderson in the house. It felt way too massive of a place without all of their children to fill it. Funnily enough, he had never felt that way when he had been married to Eliza. The house had never felt big enough, because he had never been able to keep away from her when he wanted to. But now… well, now it was strange when it was relatively empty and quiet. Now that Cal had graduated from Hogwarts, now that he was starting on a life of his own, Beckett knew that it was going to be even quieter around here.

Their oldest hadn’t moved out quite yet and there was no rush on that, in Beckett’s opinion. If he wanted to wait until he really got settled in his job and his life, then that was absolutely fine in his opinion. Cal could live at home his entire time at university for all that Beckett cared. He wasn’t going to be the type of person that thought their kid should be out on their own the second that he graduated Hogwarts. He thought that being out of university made much more sense, though it was obviously not his decision. Whenever his son wanted to move out, was fine by him. Unless he overstayed his welcome, in which case he might have something to say about it. But he wasn’t sure when that point would even be. Another decade or so maybe?

Now that Liv was pregnant again, there really was no rush. Previously, he might have thought about how they’d finally have the house to themselves after Anderson eventually graduated. And when Anderson went off to Hogwarts, then they’d have more freedom to do what they wanted. It wasn’t as if he was ready to get away from their kids. He loved them, of course. Them leaving would be bittersweet. But that hadn’t meant that a part of him hadn’t been looking forward to them going off on their own. He wanted to see what they would achieve, and he wanted to be able to take Liv off on vacations without worrying about babysitters. It was about a decade away. Or it had been.

But now it was going to be another near two decades until they were done with the actual raising children process. Cal would be in his thirties, for Merlin’s sake. By the time they were done raising Cordelia, their oldest son would literally be in his mid-thirties. He didn’t know why Liv didn’t see things like that when she had been pushing for another baby. They were too old for this. But he pushed that thought from his mind. Beckett knew that he had been far too negative about this whole thing. He had been happy to go to whatever healers appointments that Liv had wanted him at for Cal, Lyla, and Anderson. He would have gone to them all, if she’d cared for him to. This time around, he’d barely been to any.

He was still trying to come to terms with the prospect of their fourth child, and it hadn’t been an easy thing for him thus far.

He was working on it. That was all that he could do. He was trying to do better. Today, there was little to achieve on that front. Liv had taken Anderson to her mother’s or something like that--he thought that Lyla might have said that she was going with her, and Cal… honestly, Cal was likely at Lufkin despite the fact that it was summer. Or he was off with friends somewhere--as a fresh graduate of Hogwarts, Beckett thought that Cal was rather enjoying not having to get his parents’ permission if he wanted to do something. “Right. Everyone left me.” He said, with a laugh. “Want something to drink?” Beck added, as he gestured toward the kitchen. They had everything, as always. From wine to whiskey to water.

@ meredith | Outfit

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the way things were.
● ● ● ●

could it be that it was all so simple then

As small as Meredith's cottage in Wales was, it always felt a little big for her and Idris. In all fairness, it had been purchased for a family of three. Still, all that aside, it had been strange to have the cottage to herself during Idris' years at Hogwarts, and she honestly dreaded the day he decided to move out. She wouldn't stop him, of course. Mostly because Meredith wanted to see her son be independent, but also partly because that would make her something of a hypocrite. Meredith herself had wasted no time moving out as soon as she graduated from Hogwarts - that being said, her family life had been considerably more strained. She wouldn't rush him to move out, either. It was one thing to be alone in the cottage for the school year, but a whole other thing to have the place to herself... indefinitely. Merlin, she would probably move out at that point, too. The thought of leaving behind her garden was a bit sad, but Meredith didn't think she could handle that whole cottage on her own. She would need something smaller. Something with less memories.

As bittersweet as it was to realize that most of the hard part of being a mother was done, Meredith was frankly quite glad she only had Idris. Even if circumstances had been different, she had a feeling she would have just stopped at the one. Her son was enough - more than enough, really - and after her complicated relationships with her brothers, the last thing Meredith wanted was a big family. Just her, Idris - and, well, her and Idris. That was it. Carson had lost the right to be considered part of that a long time ago. It hurt to think about, though. It always hurt to think about what might have been. The life they would have had if the three of them had been together. Of course, in that picturesque imagination, she had never seen that horrid tattoo on his arm. She had never found his photo among some Death Eater files. In that fantasy, they were a normal family, their biggest problem eventually being talking to Idris about drinking habits, or something equally mundane. But, at the end of the day, that was exactly what it was: a fantasy.

Meredith had come to terms with all of that - or so she told herself. It was hard to gauge the truth, considering she hadn't seen him in twenty years. There were certain signs that proved that she had come to terms with it, though. Clearing out some of his old things from the garage he had used as a potions lab, to replace it with her own potion-making equipment. That was evidence of coming to terms with things, surely. But then... there were other moments. Like when Meredith would walk through St. Mungo's past the Potions and Plant Poisoning Ward and it suddenly felt as if she was watching herself in a pensieve. There she would be, just turned twenty-two, avoiding the gaze of her patient because she was tired and worn out, no other reason at all. And that... that would happen without fail, every single time she was in that bloody hospital. Merlin, how Meredith hated that. It would send shivers up her spine each time.

The past was the past, though. Meredith had made her choices, and the best she could do now was stand by them and worry about herself and Idris. Nothing else really mattered, when she put it all in perspective. Meredith found herself returning Beck's laugh. "You should revel in it while you still can," she warned. Sometimes, it would hit her out of nowhere that Beck and Liv had three children, and another on the way. She really couldn't wrap her head around that. And too think, they had only made their relationship official after her and Carson had already divorced. "Just water. Bangor hasn't yet started stressing me out so much that I feel the need to drink scotch at this hour," she answered with a dry laugh. "Give it 'til... oh, probably the first time this year I catch Idris ditching a class, honestly," she said with some amusement. It wasn't all that far from the truth.

@ beck
710 words

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

CAN IT BE
THAT IT WAS ALL
SO SIMPLE THEN

❧

Looking back at what had brought him and Liv together, he knew that it had been complicated. Messy. It was definitely not a simple start to a relationship. For a long time, what they had had needed to stay in the shadows. Maybe that had been fine with them, for a while. Starting out, there hadn’t been any feelings toward each other, after all. There had just been an unavoidable attraction that they had tried to put off for many months before they had given in. But eventually, he had realized that he had loved her and he had still stayed with Eliza. Instead of leaving his wife then and there, he had stayed.

That had been his first mistake. Not his last, certainty there had been many more. But not leaving Eliza the moment he realized how he felt about Liv had been the first mistake that he made.

Not that he was condoning cheating in the slightest, of course. He knew that he had made a mistake there too. He knew that it had not been the right thing to do. At all. But it was not something that he regretted doing, because of everything that had come out of it. He couldn’t have known that at the time, obviously, he couldn’t know that Liv was his soulmate and that he would eventually marry her. But it was where they had ended up. When it came down to it, she was the person that he wanted to be with. She was the person that he would do absolutely anything for.

Except, apparently, accept the fact that they were having a fourth child. That was something that was still giving him trouble. He had been doing his best to get past it and be supportive. He had gotten advice from everyone that he had thought that could help--and that he was willing to admit to his behavior to… and that list was short. He didn’t want to be acting like an ass, and he didn’t want to admit that he had been acting like an ass. But he had been. There was no getting around that fact. He was being an ass.

He had never wanted to be that person. He had never wanted to make Liv upset. They’d had their fair share of fights over the years. They weren’t perfect. But this was different. This wasn’t even a fight. It was just him, not accepting the fact that they were having another baby, and it was Liv having to deal with everything on her own. He was trying. He was. But there were some parts of this that he still just couldn’t wrap his head around. There were still parts of this that he hadn’t thought that Liv had fully been listening to him about.

Maybe he should ask Meredith what she thought. It was a passing thought, but not one that he planned on acting on when she had only just gotten here. Maybe if the subject came up. He didn’t want to bother her with their problems, but he also either needed someone to agree with him and tell him that he wasn’t crazy, or he needed someone to tell him to snap out of it and to stop acting like an ass. One of the two. Or both, really. He would really like to know that he wasn’t absolutely insane. That it wasn’t an unreasonable thing to think, that he would now be in his seventies by the time they were done raising their children.

Yes, they would still have years left, since their lives were naturally longer than Muggles that tended to die in their seventies and eighties. But it was still old. It was still getting too old to appreciate traveling and being on their own. Someone needed to be on his side here. He felt like that was a totally logical reason to not want another kid, and one that Liv had completely written off. “Don’t I know it…” He shook his head. He loved his kids. They were more important to him than anything else, which was part of the reason why he hated that he was struggling so much with this. “Just water it is. Do you want to sit out on the patio?” It was a nice enough day out, there was really no reason to be inside. He grabbed two glasses down from the cupboard and filled them with water as he continued. “I just mowed the lawn, so I’m obligated to show it off.”

@ mere | Outfit

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the way things were.
● ● ● ●

could it be that it was all so simple then, would i turn back the clock

Meredith sometimes looked at her life and wondered how it had all gone down the way it had. What in Merlin's name had she done to earn everything she had gone through? From Aeron all but disowning them as his family to discovering Carson's secret at truly the worst time ever, Meredith didn't think it could have gone any worse. But she would bit her tongue about that, because as much as she did complain about her complicated life, there was still much to be thankful for. Being the daughter of a pureblood and a muggle could have gone so much worse, after all. And for all the grief that had come with accidentally entangling herself with a Death Eater... there was still Idris. Her son, who she loved with all her heart. Who could have just as easily been long dead, but he wasn't, so Meredith would never say it couldn't possibly get any worse. Things could always be worse for a parent. Meredith did not fancy the idea of tempting fate, even if it was a little superstitious of her to think that. Besides, things had a way of working themselves out. Her life had no shortage of stories to tell, but at least things had gone fine. She had raised a son, and life had moved on. After the divorce and the war, things had settled down in a way that Meredith could not really have predicted.

Lately, though, things had grown tense yet again. It reminded her of the times before the war so much that she was almost scared things would turn out that way. And Meredith had had enough of war. She was sick and tired of fighting, and she would snub out any semblance of unrest if she could. But for now, things were just tense. It was an odd limbo to be in. Death Eaters in charge of the Ministry and the rest of the world just... accepting it. Not that Meredith had expected some sort of massive uprising, or anything, but things had been slow for the Order. No one had any details on... well, anything. It was eerie to think that this might be the new way of life for the magical world. A looming mark that they had fought against for so long. One that people had died trying to bring down... and now it was once again at the top of the food chain.

Discovering the Death Eaters that had never spoken out had been even eerier though. Beck had been one of them, and part of Meredith felt a bit betrayed at that. Another part of her wasn't surprised. She had known the Graves family for so long, it really shouldn't have come as a shock. It wasn't the fact that she hadn't known that felt like betrayal. It was the fact that Beck had probably known about Carson. But then again... she couldn't exactly blame him for not telling her. It had not been his place, and in hindsight, Meredith didn't even think she would have believed him. Not back then, anyways. Because it had taken seeing the evidence with her own eyes to realize that the signs had been there all along, so it was highly unlikely that Beck saying something would have raised suspicion.

Olivia had known, though, and that was really why Meredith didn't find it in herself to turn her back on her friends. Because they had their system, and it worked. And as long as Liv was fine, then the rest was far from her problem. They had worked something out, and Meredith was glad, because she did love them both. Her only regret was... well, it was something that could hardly be fixed now. And not something that she wanted to dig up again.

Meredith smiled a bit at Beck's agreement and raised an eyebrow. She had often felt the same about Idris growing up and could only imagine his exhaustion. Still, Beck had always taken easily to the life of a parent. "Patio it is, then. I can't possibly miss an opportunity to see this newly mowed lawn of yours," Meredith replied with a joking tone.

@ beck
697 words

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

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[attr="class","ctopline"]CAN IT BE

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[attr="class","clyrics"]SO SIMPLE THEN

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[attr="class","cbody"]Being a father had never been a part of the plan. It was never something that he had seen coming. Every time that Liv had gotten pregnant, they hadn’t been trying. Not really. They hadn’t been preventing it either, but it wasn’t something that they had been trying to do on purpose. He knew that she had been more than a little terrified when she had gotten pregnant again so soon after having Cal. He hadn’t been expecting it either, but he had known that they were going to be okay.
[break][break]
And they were. He loved his family. He was proud of all of them—proud of the choices that Cal was making, proud of how well Lyla was doing in school, and he knew that Anderson would grow up and make him proud too. Not that he wasn’t already, he was just still a kid.
[break][break]
They had just all done incredibly well for themselves. Beckett had gotten where he had always wanted to be. He was the head of the Department of Magical Games and Sports. His father thought that he could have aimed higher than that, but with how much he loved Quidditch, Beckett had been sure that there was only one place for him to do. It was a decision that he had never regretted, either.
[break][break]
Obviously, Liv had done well for herself too, making it to be the head of the Department of Justice, which was more than a little bit impressive. They had the kids, they had their lives, and while it was nothing like the life he had expected, he wouldn’t change it for the world. He wouldn’t change it for anything.
[break][break]
But now, their life was going to change again, and he knew that December would be upon them before they even knew it. He knew that the baby would be there before they knew it and the status quo would change again. It was something that he was struggling to accept and be okay with. The last thing that he wanted to do was be the unsupportive husband. He didn’t want to be that guy. He just also hadn’t wanted another kid. Liv had known that, but still she had pushed him for nearly a year. She would never drop it, she’d continue to bring it up, and when he had finally agreed, she hadn’t seemed to second guess it. Even though he had been fighting it for a year, she’d wasted no time in getting pregnant.
[break][break]
And Merlin, he knew that he couldn’t blame her for that. It wasn’t like she had taken a fertility potion to get the show on the road or anything—that he knew of, at least. But he still would have liked some time to adjust to the idea before it was full steam ahead.
[break][break]
Keeping his thoughts to himself was important though, because he knew that he had to try to be there for Liv. He didn’t want her to feel like she was alone in this, even if he wasn’t fully on board with it yet. Even when he didn’t know if he would be—or when that would be, if it happened. Luckily for him, he thought that Mere might just have some insight as to what to do. It wasn’t like she had dealt with this kind of thing personally or anything, but she still might have some advice. “Good—that’s the right answer,” he said, with a grin, as he handed Mere her glass of water and took his own so that they could head outside.
[break][break]
He knew that he just as easily could have mowed the lawn by magic but he liked to do the yardwork by hand when he had the time. It was relaxing, somehow. “All right, well there you have it,” Beck added, still grinning, gesturing at the lawn once they made it out onto the patio. And with that, he dropped down onto one of the patio chairs and took a sip of his water.
[break][break]

[attr="class","cnotes"]667 ● @ mere ● outfit

[attr="class","cred"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

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