I'm alright

beautiful day, not a cloud in sight

So I guess I'm doing alright

Yesterday had been her birthday, and it had been the first one that she had spent at home in several years. He had… Well… The greenhouse was wonderful. She didn’t know that she had expected that. One of the elves had asked her if there was anything that she wanted, and she had said roses, without really thinking about it too much. She had simply thought that a vase of white or red roses would have looked nice on the table in the library. But he had gotten her an entire greenhouse, filled with roses. More kinds of roses than she could have ever imagined, and it was beautiful.

But it was a grand gesture. And grand gestures made her wary…

She knew that it could be, making up for things. She knew that it could be for this week’s sins. And not next week’s. Maybe there wouldn’t be next week’s. There would be. She knew that. She knew that there would be more. There always was. But she could handle that. She could handle whatever it was that happened, because she was the one that had to make up for what she had done. She had been the one that had walked away, and she was the one that was indebted to him now.

He had taken her back, and Narcissa owed him for that. He had quieted her mind. He was the only one that could quiet her mind like that. He was the only one that she could feel like she didn’t have to worry about her inner demons around. Because there was so much else to worry about. There was so much else that she needed to have under control, she didn’t have the capacity to worry about that too. She didn’t have the capacity to worry about what was going on in her mind. It couldn’t be that bad. Nothing was all that bad, when she had other things on her mind.

Narcissa didn’t think that there was any reason to get caught up on all of that though. Because it was Monday, and that meant that she was getting dressed and coming to work, and she had been here for a while already, when she had decided that checking on the rose garden that they had here. The one that Viktor had had installed for Desirae last spring. The younger witch loved flowers, of any kind, and the ones that she had sent her yesterday were beautiful as well. She had put them on her vanity table, so that she could see them. Winter flowers, and colors that Narcissa adored.

She had fastened the pearl that Desirae had sent around her neck as well. It was for Jack, and she knew that it was sweet of her. The baby was so important to her, and Narcissa knew that she was just his godmother, but she loved him very much. She loved Vzá too. And she smiled when she caught sight of the familiar brunette child running through the lobby as she came in the back door. "Vzácny Krum! Slow down!"

Reaching up, Narcissa dropped the hood of her cloak back onto her shoulders, and she looked around for the girl’s mother. If Vzá was here, she was certain that she didn’t come on her own. Or, perhaps she had, and then it would be depositing her back at the Tower that was going to come next on Narcissa’s list of things to do today. Stepping behind the counter, Narcissa slipped through the hidden door, and into her private office, “Desirae…” She smiled as her eyes landed on the younger witch, and she stepped forward to kiss her cheek, and Jack’s forehead.

Desirae Maribel Krum • 617 • narcissa's outfit + cloak

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

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[attr="class","ctopline"]I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright

[attr="class","cscriptshop"]it's a beautiful day,

[attr="class","cline"]

[attr="class","clyrics"]not a cloud in sight[break]
So I guess I'm doing alright

[break][break]

[attr="class","cbody"]Desirae knew that she hadn’t taken Narcissa going home all that well. At all, actually. And maybe it wasn’t her place to worry, but she was worried. She didn’t want her back in that house. She didn’t trust Lucius all that much, and she thought that she was much better off in Scotland with them than a country away. It made her nervous.
[break][break]
And she also just missed her. She missed knowing that she was only a quick Floo away. That she was right there if she needed her. In the years that she’d known her, she had become more of a mother to her than her own mum was. Nothing against her mum at all, she was just so far away—and her relationship with her had never been the same after her parents had divorced. But she’d always had Narcissa. Now, with her so far away, she was worried that the same thing that happened with her mum was going to happen now. Distance did make a difference, sometimes.
[break][break]
She didn’t want to think that it would, but it was hard not to worry. Not just about missing her, but about everything. Narcissa hadn’t been the same once she had lost her magic. They had already been worried about her, so up and going home after turning the suite into a home in and of itself… it was strange. It was cause for concern, in her opinion. She had been tempted to write to Draco about it, but she hadn’t known if she should. Once again, she’d worried about it not being her place. It was also his father that she was concerned about, or wary of at least. She didn’t know how to put that into a letter. It seemed… wrong, somehow. She didn’t quite know how.
[break][break]
So instead, she’d just worried from here. About a lot, actually. There was more on her mind this week than just Narcissa, unfortunately, because Viktor had been getting owls asking him to come out of retirement now that the league season was going to start up again. Words could barely describe all the ways that it worried her. She had told him that it was fine. That she wanted him to be happy, that she knew how much he loved Quidditch—and that she knew that he wanted to. And she did. Even if he wanted her opinion, even if he wanted to discuss it together, she knew what he wanted, and she wasn’t going to guilt him out of that.
[break][break]
She’d just put on a good face and had told him that she wanted him to do whatever made him happy. Had he believed her? She had no idea. Desirae honestly thought that he might have, because she had truly tried. She couldn’t claim to have the best poker face in the world, but with how much effort she’d put into trying to look all right, Desirae thought there was quite the chance he might have fallen for it.
[break][break]
It wasn’t that she wanted him to stay in retirement. Not if he didn’t want to. But she… just wasn’t sure what they were getting into. The flood of owls wanting him out of retirement and on their team was just the beginning. He would start playing, and there would be fan mail. There would be paparazzi. There would be fans that fancied themselves in love with him, that could send love potions to him, or crazier fans that were mad he was married. People would notice them when they were out more than they already did. They’d flood to the hotel and the museum to see him, and Desirae… she didn’t know how to deal with that kind of fame. She didn’t know if she could. She was reclusive by nature, and this was going to be a lot. She knew that it was.
[break][break]
Maybe he’d end up tired of her not knowing what to do with the attention. Maybe he’d find someone that was better with it. Someone that knew more about that life, knew more about Quidditch. She didn’t know how to be a Quidditch player’s wife.
[break][break]
And it was more than just that too. There were other concerns. He hadn’t played professionally in years. There was a chance of him getting hurt. She didn’t know what she would do if that happened. Desirae knew she could have said all of this to him, but none of her concerns had come out. The smile had come instead, and she had told him that it was all right. Now, all she could do was worry, because to her, nothing was all right.
[break][break]
Pulling from her thoughts when she heard the door open, Desirae was prepared to put that same smile back on her face, but a glance up revealed Narcissa instead. “Hi,” she said, her smile relieved. “How are you? How was your birthday?” Honestly, Desirae was just glad that it was Narcissa that had come into the room and not Viktor. She hadn’t had enough time to put on a good face for her husband with all her worries close at hand.
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[attr="class","cnotes"]855 ● @ cissa ● outfit

[attr="class","cred"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

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i'm alright

BEAUTIFUL DAY, NOT A CLOUD IN SIGHT

I'm not under your spell

She was doing her best not to worry. That was what she was trying to focus on. The newest addition to the Malfoy grounds was a present. And she thought that gifts were something that she could get used to again. There had always been gifts in the past. The ones that had come in grand gestures like this, even for her birthday, were the ones that made her wary. Narcissa knew that she was going to have to try and come to terms with what it was that she had signed up for again, but it still made her nervous. It would always make her nervous.

Here she could quell those fears though. Here she didn’t have to worry about that. Because he wasn’t going to come up here and check on her. He and her sister had a country on the verge of economic collapse. She was an aritmancer, not an economist, but she still new plenty. And she thought that there was a good chance that he was going to be too preoccupied with that to check in on her here. Even if she was certain that he didn’t like her coming here at all. But he hadn’t forbidden it.

There were plenty of side glances, and muttered words about her job, but he hadn’t told her to quit, and so she hadn’t. If he did, she would. She knew that she didn’t have a choice. She knew that going home meant that the job was a privilege. But it was one that he hadn’t seen it necessary to take away, and she was grateful for that. She wasn’t ready to give it up. She had been here for years now. She had been here even before they had opened the doors, and while she knew that eventually they would get along just fine without her, she wasn’t ready to leave them just yet.

It was more than just her work that kept her here though. It was the Krums. And she knew that Lucius had to suspect that there was more than that, or he wouldn’t have hated it as much as he did. But she had never chosen to break her marriage vows to him. At least not the ones concerning her fidelity. She had never chosen to be with another, no matter what he thought. No matter what he tried to prove. There had never been anyone but him in her bed. And while she could lie to him, she wouldn’t. Not about that.

Narcissa knew what kept her here, and it was the family that owned this place. It was Desirae, and it was Vzá and it was Jack. She loved them all dearly. Though she had quite the special place in her heart for her godson. And she scooped him up out of the bouncy seat as soon as she had shed her heavy cloak over the back of her chair. “It was lovely.” The smile on her face was genuine as she grinned down at the little boy in her arms. “Lucius built me a greenhouse and filled it to the brim with every kind of rose you could imagine.”

It was grand, and it was perhaps somewhat of a lie to say that Lucius had built it. But Lucius had had it built, and he had had it filled with roses for her, and she loved it. As wary as it made her, she thought that she very much loved the whole thing. “I put your bouquet on my vanity. They are gorgeous. And this…” Reaching up with the hand that she wasn’t using to support the baby she had stolen from his mother, “It’s wonderful.” The necklace was representation of Jack after all.

@ darling • 624 • narcissa's outfit

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

[nospaces]

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[attr="class","clbox"]

[attr="class","ctopline"]I'M ALL, I'M ALL, I'M ALRIGHT

[attr="class","cscriptshop"]it's a beautiful day,

[attr="class","cline"]

[attr="class","clyrics"]NOT A CLOUD IN SIGHT[break]
SO I GUESS I'M DOING ALRIGHT

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[attr="class","cbody"]Desirae was unsettled, with everything that had been going on lately. She wasn’t sure when that moment of change had really hit—when everything had started to go… well not wrong, she supposed. But there had been a defining moment. There had been something, and now that they were past that, everything was different. Everything was changing but she still felt like she was standing entirely still. People were making choices and making changes around her, and she just had to try to roll with the punches and accept those changes for what they were. They were other people’s decisions to make. It wasn’t her place to say anything.
[break][break]
She knew that Viktor would disagree. That he would say her opinion did matter to him, and she knew that it did. She knew that he’d come to her the second he’d gotten the first letting asking him to come out of retirement. She knew that he wouldn’t have agreed to any meetings if she had made it perfectly clear to him that the thought of him playing professional Quidditch again made her incredibly nervous.
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But she wanted to support him. She had known that she just needed to roll with the punches, so that was what she had tried to do. Desirae didn’t want him to make a choice based off of her unease and end up resenting her because of it. If he wanted to play professionally again, then she would find a way to be okay with that. She would figure it out. After everything that he had done for her, he deserved to be happy. She wasn’t going to be the one that took that way from him. It was just hard for her to wrap her head around it. It was hard to imagine what it was going to be like, because she knew it was going to be different. Being married to a retired professional player was not the same as being married to a current player.
[break][break]
She knew that there would be more attention. More fan mail. Probably more people trying to get rooms at the hotel just to try to get a glimpse of him. There would be obsessed fans, potential love potions, potential death treats to her from the crazies… she thought that she could keep going. There was no shortage of ideas in her mind… no shortage of things that she thought could come from him playing Quidditch professionally again.
[break][break]
There was also a chance that he’d realize just how little she actually knew about Quidditch. Yes, he knew that she wasn’t the most avid fan. Everything that she’d learned came from her brother-in-law or Fanny. Maybe he’d meet some beautiful Quidditch expert at a match and realize that they had far more in common than he had with her. She didn’t know. It was silly to worry about that. But she was. She was worried about all of it. It was hard not to be.
[break][break]
Desirae thought it would be easier if there didn’t seem to be changes in all aspects of her life these days. Viktor potentially joining a professional team, Narcissa going home… it felt like she was the only one that wasn’t making changes in her life—a problem in and of itself, in some ways, but it didn’t help that the people she loved were making choices that scared her. Not that that was particularly hard to do, but still. She had missed Narcissa since she’d made the decision to go home, and she was worried about her. It wasn’t a great combination.
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But it didn’t change the fact that she was happy to see her. “That’s sweet. Men and roses,” she said, shaking her head. Viktor had had a rose garden planted behind the hotel for her birthday last year, after all, which had been beautiful. It couldn’t really top an island, but it had come close. “Good, I’m glad you like it.” She had wanted to get her something nice, even if she wasn’t able to give it to her in person.
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[attr="class","cnotes"]678 ● @ cissa ● outfit

[attr="class","cred"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

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I'M ALRIGHT

BEAUTIFUL DAY, NOT A CLOUD IN SIGHT

I'M NOT UNDER YOUR SPELL

Without really knowing what she was going to do, she had to try and spend her time wisely. She knew that Lucius didn’t like her continuing to come up here to work, and she was sure that it wasn’t going to last forever. She would give in to what he wasn’t even asking for before too long. She knew that she would. That was who she was. Now that she was home, she had a desire to please him. She wanted him to know that she was serious, and that she was trying, and she had to do something about that. She had to prove to him that she was going to stay this time.

If that meant that she had to eventually give up what she had here, then so be it. The gift had felt like it was more than just for her birthday. It felt like it was in appreciation of what had already happened. Of her coming home, and she didn’t know what to think of that. If she was being rewarded for something she had done, or if it was to make up for things that he had already done, or if it was just a warning of what was to come. Because more would come. It always did.

There was no doubt about that. She belonged to him, and he made sure that she remembered. But she could forget. Those reminders, how they happened. The bruises that formed, they were just there. They were just reminders. He hadn’t broken anything since she had gone home. She wasn’t concussed. It hadn’t been as bad as it could have been. She knew that it could have been so much worse. Her ribs could have been broken. It wouldn’t be the first time. Or her wrist shattered.

The injuries were numerous. But he had gotten good at fixing them. When they had been reduced to nothing after Durant had taken over, she knew how bad it had gotten then. She was glad that Draco had been living somewhere else. She didn’t know what she would have done if they were all trapped in that flat together. There were some things that she thought that he never needed to know. That none of them ever needed to know. Not Draco, not Viktor, not Desirae, not even Andromeda. She didn’t need anyone to know. They would only see the pain, and the bad parts, they wouldn’t see how those were the things keeping her alive.

The Krums were just as important to her these days as her own family was. In some ways at least. She didn’t think that she would be lying to any Dark Lords to save them any time soon, but she also didn’t think that there were any Dark Lords around to lie to. She had been so strong then. For as weak as she had been. For as much as she had been hurting, for Draco, she would always be strong. She had made sure of that. There was no failing him. Not again.

A ghost of a smile flashed over Narcissa’s lips when she thought of the rose garden outside. “They do tend to think that they solve all of their problems, don’t they?” Whether the greenhouse had solved her problems, or just caused more things to worry about, Narcissa wasn’t entirely sure. But she thought that that was a problem for another time. Her fingers played with her necklace for a moment more before she sat on the arm of the chair facing the desk and looked over the girl that was sitting there. “What’s going on?” She knew her well enough to know that there was something on her mind. She just couldn’t quite discern what that was.

@ desirae • 627 • narcissa's outfit

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

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[attr="class","ctopline"]I'M ALL, I'M ALL, I'M ALRIGHT

[attr="class","cscriptshop"]it's a beautiful day,

[attr="class","cline"]

[attr="class","clyrics"]NOT A CLOUD IN SIGHT[break]
SO I GUESS I'M DOING ALRIGHT

[break][break]

[attr="class","cbody"]She knew that she worried more than she had to. More than she should, actually. But that had just come with the territory for the past couple of years. There was always something to worry about. It had been worse before, of course. The worrying had started with Vince. With worrying about upsetting him, about doing something wrong, about what would happen if any given thing went wrong during the day. When she had run away, when she had made it to Scotland, her worries had shifted. They had turned to something else entirely. She had worried about him finding her. She’d worried about how angry he would be, what he would do, if Viktor, Vzá, or Narcissa would get hurt too, because of her. Even though she had been safe, she had never stopped worrying.
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And then the worst had come to pass, and Vince had taken her back to London. For those few days, she’d worried less, somehow. She had been so certain that she was going to die, there had been no reason for her to worry about anything else. Soon, she wouldn’t have to worry about anything ever again. There had been something peaceful in that. She didn’t quite know why that was. It had just been a reality that she had accepted. From the moment that she’d first witnessed Vince killing someone, she had realized that it was only a matter of time until she was killed by him too. It felt set in stone. Even when she had been in Scotland, a small part of her had always known that he was going to find her. That the good was not going to last forever. And when that had happened, for a time there had been nothing to worry about, because her fate had been sealed.
[break][break]
She hadn’t died that day, though. If they hadn’t come when they had, she would have. Desirae was truly certain that she would have died that night. Although she couldn’t remember every single detail of what had happened, she knew what kind of state she was in. By that point, she was so battered that she was barely functional—and if she wasn’t functional, she wasn’t useful to Vince. She had been sure that worrying would come to an end, and it would all be over.
[break][break]
The worries that had come after Vince was dead and gone had been different. She had wanted everything to go back to normal. She wanted to be normal. But it wasn’t as easy as all that. It couldn’t be. It had been a slow journey. One that she wished could just be done and over with. In some respects, she had made progress. In others, she hadn’t. She was comfortable around Viktor now. Yes, on an extremely rare occasion she’d still startle if she didn’t realize he was in the room, or if he spoke louder than she expected, but mostly, they were okay. Although it had been a slower process, she had come into London more and more, and had gotten slightly more comfortable in crowds. Sometimes. She still mostly kept to Scotland, but she could go to London if she needed to. And she had even gone to the England vs. Scotland match, though from the privacy of the Minister’s Box, which kept her away from the crowds of people. But still. It was more progress.
[break][break]
Now her worries stemmed from other matters. She didn’t like change. Everything was good the way that it was. She knew that she was a high-maintenance wife to deal with, with all of her issues and all of her quirks, but she did think that things were going well. But recently, and steadily, things had started to change, and it put her on edge. It made her more anxious than normal. Even the thought of Viktor pursuing professional Quidditch again terrified her. It was a silly and irrational reaction—a part of her knew that. But that part of her was not strong enough to stop herself from having that reaction altogether. There were just so many ways that this could change things, and she didn’t even like to think on them. It made her nervous just to consider what would happen now. “I think they do a pretty good job of it, if I’m being honest.” But she knew she was biased, in more ways than one. First and foremost, she loved gardening and herbology more than the average woman. That certainly helped. But the rose garden had also become her favorite place at the hotel—and one place that she could go to immediately feel better. If she was stressed, if she was having a bad day, one trip to the rose garden eased her nerves. It shouldn’t, she didn’t know why it did, but it did nonetheless.
[break][break]
Green eyes moved to the witch as she spoke again, and immediately she found herself trying to hide the expression on her face. A mix of surprise at her catching on so easily, and the endless worry that hadn’t gone away in days. “What? Nothing.” There was no reason to worry Narcissa when there was already so much on the woman’s mind. That wasn’t the right thing to do at all in this situation. Narcissa had not taken to the loss of magic well and she wasn’t going to add to her problems with her own problems.
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[attr="class","cnotes"]903 ● @ cissa ● outfit

[attr="class","cred"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

[googlefont=Dancing Script]
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I'M ALRIGHT

BEAUTIFUL DAY, NOT A CLOUD IN SIGHT

I'M NOT UNDER YOUR SPELL

She knew that proving herself to her husband was going to take time. She knew that she had hurt him by going away. She knew that she could never really explain to anyone what had happened. Because while she knew that she hated him, she also loved him. There was a balance to her hatred, and her love, and it was a line that she often stepped back and forth over like it was nothing. The hatred that she felt for him. The things that she could never forgive. It was all there. It would always be there. There was no erasing the past. Any of her past. Of their past. But there were things that she loved beyond explanation too.

And she knew that it didn’t make sense. But there were days like yesterday, when he had given her everything that she hadn’t even known that she wanted. She hadn’t thought that she wanted a whole greenhouse full of roses, but now she had one. And did it scare her? Of course, it did. She was terrified that every grand gesture he made was stacking the cards in his favor. That she had done so much wrong, and that now he was giving her lavish gifts, she was worried about what that meant. About what he was going to do.

But she couldn’t do anything about that here. And she couldn’t worry about something that hadn’t happened yet. Was she going to get hurt? Yes. Most likely she was. But that didn’t mean that she was going to run again. She had promised. She wasn’t going anywhere. She would never leave again. And it was a heavy promise to make, but she had made it. She had promised him nearly fifty years ago, that she would never leave. And she hadn’t. She hadn’t meant to, at least. There was so much that she couldn’t bear to think about. Let along forgive.

It had taken all of that, building up over time. It had taken knowing that even with Lucius, she wasn’t safe. To drive her away. Did she blame Rodolphus finding in her that dress shop for that? No. Not entirely. Had it sealed something in her mind? Yes. Did she think that she was ever going to be safe? No. There was nowhere that Narcissa thought that she was actually going to be safe. But what she had realized more than anything, after losing her magic, was that she wasn’t strong enough to take care of herself.

She never had been. She had never been enough. She had proved that. She had failed to protect herself. She had failed to protect Draco. And she had tried. More than anything she had tried to protect her son. Her resentment for her husband had always stemmed from what he had done to their son. From everything that they had put him through. Had there been times in the decades since when she had wondered if they would have done better a second time? If they wouldn’t have made as many mistakes? Of course. But there had always been the fear that they would do even worse a second time. And so, she had never even brought it up.

Malfoys only had one child. It had been that way for generations. One son. And she had taken potions to ensure that. That it was a boy… That Draco had been a boy. But she couldn’t keep reliving the sins of the past. It only made her worry about the future, and she didn’t know what to do with that. She didn’t know if she was going to feel better or worse once she knew what all of this was going to bring. What going home was going to be. And she wasn’t even really home yet. She wouldn’t have proved herself until she had left this place behind.

And she would. In time. But they weren’t quite there yet. Desirae wasn’t ready yet. “Uh huh…” Narcissa rolled her eyes a little bit. A gesture that she was trying to break herself of. But here it was more available to her than it was in Wiltshire. “I know you better than that my dear. There’s something on your mind. Tell me.” Her words were comforting, gentle. The same way that she had always spoken to her. More like a mother than a friend. Certainly more familiar than an employee.

@ desirae • 737 • narcissa's outfit

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