Life In Color

@samuel

New moons were Matilda’s favorite time of the month. They meant a moonless sky, and that meant she was quite literally as far away from the full moon as she could be. There was a time in her life when Matilda loved the moon, thought it was beautiful and appreciated the light it brought into the night sky. These days, it brought her nothing but fear. Waxing moons brought her stress, while waning moons brought her only minimal relief. But when there was a new moon, there was no reminder, and as far from the full moon as possible. She wasn’t sick, wasn’t weak; she was just herself. Or, at least, as much as herself as she was. She didn’t really know what herself was anymore, not since she had been turned and it had practically defined her existence. Before, it was all she could focus on. It was all she was.

Now that she was back in Hogwarts, Matilda was starting to realize she could be something more. She wasn’t defined by her affliction, and she didn’t have to be. Before, it was the only way she survived, but now, she had a roof over her head, food to eat, and a place to sleep. She didn’t have to worry about bare necessities, getting them through her illness, and fearing for her life. Of course, the Death Eater situation was still one too be concerned with, but she would cross that bridge when she got to it. As Matilda realized she had the potential to make more of a life for herself here, she got more and more apprehensive about the summer coming. The lockdown brought its own stress, but the summer brought an entirely new kind of stress as well. Where was she going to go? Who was she going to stay with? She couldn’t very well go back to the orphanage…

Matilda had no idea, but she had been thus far trying to push it out of her head and focusing on the things that brought her happiness. Heer studies did, mostly. She was glad she had endless books to read again, as that was one thing she had truly missed. Kit brought her happiness too, which was surprising to her. Friendship had been far out of her mind when she had returned, but now she was glad she had a friend. She was going to miss him a lot over the summer, but that was yet another thing she was trying to keep from her mind. She was wandering the castle for now after dinner, which was a nice time. The setting sun streamed through the castle windows, and people were still about, but not enough to make Matilda nervous, Fires started lighting themselves in the grate. Matilda was headed back to her common room in Ravenclaw Tower and instead decided to detour towards the North Wing. She had always liked the North Wing for studying or reading, and the fire lit up the room rather nicely. She expected it to be deserted, but when she arrived, she found she wasn’t the only one with this idea. “Professor Copeland,” she said. She held up a book she had been carrying under her arm, indicating she meant to read. “Would you mind if I join you?” she asked him.

This lockdown should have been well and truly over as far as Samuel was concerned. The school year was now over and yet he was still here. The man had expected to be home and be holding his son and singing him to sleep tonight like he would every night. He would then climb into bed with his fiance. That was it, that was all that Samuel wanted but he was not getting any of it. Some people had been fortunate so far and had been allowed out of Hogwarts including some of his own students as well as Esther and Charlotte. It would be wrong for him to say he wasn’t jealous of both witches. He wanted to see Calli so badly. He had spoke to his colleague about it and now she was lucky enough to be seeing her significant other. Samuel wanted to be home with Calli with the two of them making silly and crazy ideas for their wedding and for the two of them to be fighting over when they should get married. Unfortunately he was not able to even have that kind of fun. There was only so much he could communicate in a patronus. He always made sure to tell Calli and Jeremy that he loved them. They were the most important messages Samuel delivered as they were the most personal of all. His nightly patronus messages even outranked any letter he had written to parents about their child’s behaviour at school or their marks .

He still knew he had to be strong for his students. They depended on him. But he desperately that they were at home with their families and he only had to worry about Jeremy depending on him to sing to him or read to him. His son was still very young but even when Calli was still pregnant he had read to their son a lot. He felt it really helped him bond to his son and now his son recognised his voice instantly and at times he looked like he was even trying to smile back to his dad. Samuel wondered if while he was here at Hogwarts Jeremy had managed to flash his mum his first real smile. He hated not knowing the full picture of how the two of them were doing. He was admittedly jealous that Esther was now able to see Max and that even some students were out and with their families or were starting their lives post-Hogwarts for those who had been seventh years. He really wished them well. But there was no graduation ceremony like there had been in previous years. He hoped that the Death Eaters were failing at whatever they were trying achieve.

Because of the lockdown Samuel had been facing a number of questions from the students. Most he could avoid but sometimes he got a question from a very intuned student that he could only label as very puzzling. Samuel hated not knowing the answer It made him feel like a failure then his thoughts tended to travel back a number of years when his father had left the family. He would never be like him, he promised himself.

At the sound of someone addressing him Samuel looked over and smiled as he saw one of Esther’s eagles speaking to him. ”Not at all Miss White” he shook his head a little as nodded to a sofa opposite him. ”May I ask what you’re reading?” he questioned as he looked to the cover of the book trying to determine what it was.

Matilda didn’t know how to feel about the lockdown. In principle it bothered her, but in practice, she was a little more than grateful for it. She had nowhere else to go, really, and being locked in the school meant she wasn’t out on the streets anymore. She knew it would only be a matter of time before she was back on the streets again, but she supposed she was used to it. She was also trying to take advantage of her time here because she honestly didn’t know if she was going to be able to return. Headmistress Wentzell was the one who let her in, but she had passed away… She didn’t know if Headmaster Flint would have the same kindness towards her. It was a constant worry in her mind, but she was trying to keep it as far away from her attention as possible. She would have to cross that bridge when she got to it.

Despite the relief she felt at having a place to go, it was overshadowed by the fact that she was still overwhelmed by the number of people around in the school. Matilda hadn’t been a people person since the last time she had been in Hogwarts, and that seemed like an entire lifetime ago. Back then, she had enjoyed it. She had a lot of friends and acquaintances, and going down the corridor and seeing someone was never a fear. Now it was, and it was even worse knowing what kinds of people were walking through these corridors, and every person she came upon was a new wave of fear. It was something she couldn’t avoid no matter how hard she tried. She was trying to get used to it, but she knew by the time she did she might be out of Hogwarts and never able to come back.

It was even worse with professors, because the professors knew what she was. The headmistress found it necessary to tell them for some reason, and while Matilda wished that hadn’t been the case, she was by no means in a place to argue about it, so she didn’t. Some professors were easier to face than others, and Professor Copeland never appeared to have a problem with her. She was a little uneasy asking if she could join him in the North Wing, but he seemed willing, so she took a seat on the couch opposite him and sat down, curling her legs up beneath her. “Thank you,” she said, trying to keep the nerves out of her voice. When he asked what she was reading, he held out her book for him. It was The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It was a Muggle book, but one she liked very much. “I like reading, so I go for wizard books and Muggle books alike,” she told him. It was easier to speak about something like books rather than small talk; she felt more comfortable that way.

While Samuel did enjoy teaching at Hogwarts he would not go as far as to say he enjoyed being stuck here with no option to leave. He had explored many places during his time as a student and even more so as a professor, including common rooms that weren’t his own but that was because a certain witch had snuck him in. She of course was not going to do that now and he had no intention of visiting any common room but his own.His first priority was of course going to be his lions. However if a student from another house approached him, he was not about to turn them away or direct them to their own head of house. Samuel was far from harsh and he was nowhere near that of the Death Eaters and what kind of scare tactics they were implementing. Samuel liked to see himself as approachable and with the lockdown down that many more students were coming. He supposed in the absence of their parents or guardians that they needed an adult to confide in or to seek comfort and a professor was their best option.

Samuel was missing Jeremy naturally and he didn't like being away from him so much. He feared he was missing so much of watching his son. While he knew that it was unlikely that Jeremy would be reaching any milestones while he was away but it was the unknown that made him worry. He would look at the picture of his son on his desk and try and smile before he’d frown and put the photo down again. Samuel couldn't do much more than spend time in his office and take walks around the castle and school grounds. It was not much but he had to do something with the excess amount of time he had. It wasn’t making him go crazy at least. He had seen to much in his youth when it came to prejudice and hatred and honestly, it had prepared him for what he was now witnessing on a daily basis. It was hard to see so many students looking so worried and it hurt that he could only do so much for them. Samuel was particularly hurting to see the younger ones looking so fearful. Mealtimes in the Great Hall were meant to be happy times when the students would laugh and when the owls would arrive each breakfast but there was none of that now. His missed the sound of a joyful great hall a lot.

Because of it’s proximity to his common room many students found him in the North Wing of a evening, not that it was a bad thing. He smiled at Matilda, he had been informed of her werewolf side and he knew that Esther would look after her eagle as the need arose. His friend was scared to but she as was to stubborn to admit but Samuel left her to it. ”Can’t say I’ve had the chance to read that book Miss White, are you enjoying it?” he asked as he adjusted the watch that was strapped around his wrist. Samuel had seen just how much Ravenclaws loved to read from the time he had met Esther and she had not changed were that was considered and he had the feeling that Matilda would not stray too far from books either. ”I’ve already begun reading muggle books to my son even though he is only a few months old” he added as he looked over at her.

Matilda didn’t really think she belonged anywhere. It seemed no matter where she went, she was an outsider or isolated, be it by force, choice, or necessity. Usually it was a combination of all three. When she had left her family, it was choice and necessity; she simply couldn’t allow herself to be a burden to Melanie or Michael now that she was a werewolf. It was better they thought she had died like their parents because it was less trouble for them. When she had been out on her own, it had been force and necessity. Werewolves weren’t well liked, and she needed to keep that hidden. It was a necessity to her life that she stay hidden.

Now that she was at Hogwarts, she wasn’t even sure what categories her isolation fit into. Certainly necessity was one of them...she couldn’t allow herself to get close to people, that would be a horrible mistake with horrible results. Of course, she was defying that with her friendship with Kit, but she was still torn about it, though she usually tried to convince herself that he was different. She didn’t know why she thought that, but she did. She supposed choice was a part of it as well. She could get close to people, as she did with Kit, but it was better that she didn’t. She found herself particularly keen to avoid professors at all costs as well, especially considering they were aware of her condition. She had failed upon joining Professor Copeland, but he didn’t seem to...well, outwardly despise her.

For once, Matilda didn’t really feel forced. As much as she hated that the staff knew about what she was, she didn’t feel particularly hated for it by many of them. Maybe a few showed a bit more distaste for her than average, but none of them made it particularly evident. Even the Death Eaters didn’t seem to mind her presence nearly as much as they minded those of Muggleborns. But Professor Copeland was among those who did not seem to treat her differently, even treated her kindly, which she wasn’t used to. She supposed that was why she didn’t really have any qualms with joining him in the North Wing. Matilda nodded. “Yes, I am. It’s a good one. Not very long either, so it’s a quick read,” she told him. She smiled as she settled into the couch further. “Reading to children even when they’re a young is a great way to instill a love of books later on. My parents read to me a lot when I was young,” she told him. It wasn’t often she talked about her family; it was painful, and there was rarely an opportunity to talk about them anyway, but for once, the memories brought a smile to her face, if a sad one.

Samuel knew that even the students no matter what age they were had the capability of getting themselves through this situation they had all been forced into. He was not surprised that some of them had come to him seeking a comforting word or just for him to listen to their issues. He of course was their professor after all and it was not solely the role of a professor at Hogwarts to educate their students but also to be there for them. They of course were the ones that looked after them when they were away from home. Since becoming a parent Samuel had really come to learn how important that role was. Sure he knew that it was different but he knew that the students still needed the care and support they would normally get from their parents while away at school. Sure there were a number of students who were fiercely independent and that didn’t surprise him. Not everyone had the ideal family situation, himself included, Calli and Esther were the same also. Their situations were not as dramatic as what some of the Hogwarts students faced but it still gave him and Esther especially some perspective. They had plenty of life experience after all. He naturally favoured his Lions and she her eagles but considering the Lockdown was in full swing now they now had to not have favourites. Samuel still made it a point to check on his Lions each and every night like he had done since he had been made Head of house all those years ago. Normally he would head home after he did that but not tonight or any other night until the Lockdown was lifted. He would only go as far as the first floor and to the quarters he had attached to his office.

Davina had told him about Matilda before she had finished up as a professor so he was not so alarmed to see her late at night. At least she was close to her common room for whenever she decided to turn in for the night. He was not going to force her to go to bed. Werewolves of course had rotten sleeping patterns because of what they experienced every month. Samuel couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like. He had only ever read about the pain they experienced in books but to experience that first had was something else. Samuel knew that as on of Esther’s eagles Matilda would be looked after. His friend had changed in recent times since probably last year but at the same she had become more secretive but he was not going to push the subject with her. Sure they were good friends but even that had it’s boundaries.

He was not surprised to see Matilda with a book in her hand. It wasn’t commonplace to see an eagle pouring over some book somewhere in the castle at any time. When he had started teaching here he was glad to see that hadn’t changed from the time he had been a student. ”My mother read to my sister and I too when were children” he smiled at her as sat back in his seat. Samuel saw the smile she gave him and couldn’t help but feel that expression was one he often wore when he talked about his family to. ”Tell me about your family Miss White, do you have siblings?” he said gently, offering her the chance to share any story she wished with him, if she felt comfortable.

Even though Matilda had been back for quite a while now, Hogwarts still didn’t feel like home to her. She had been without a home for so long that she supposed she didn’t know what it felt like, but she was pretty close to certain that this wasn’t it. It felt fundamentally wrong, in a way, like was something was missing. She had jumped through so many hoops to get here, put herself through so much fear… But she supposed that would be the lead up to any place she ended up. It followed her, and there seemed to be little she could do about it. She figured that might be thinking too negatively, but it was hard not to think that way when that was all the world taught her to do. This didn’t feel like home...Matilda wasn’t sure any place would ever feel like home.

It was better than before, that much was certain. She was sheltered, fed, and being educated. She had done all of those things living with Davina, but she had felt like a burden. She was a burden here, even if a lighter one in the grand scheme of things, and she couldn’t get it out of her head. She wasn’t comfortable, always on edge. She had luckily found a friend in Kit, but she even had to keep some distance from him. It often felt as if she was witnessing Hogwarts from the outside. She stayed away from everyone out of her own fear, and many of the professors alienated her because of what she was. Some of them tried to hide it, while others did not. Professor Copeland was one of the few that seemed to treat her with genuine kindness. As far as she could tell from watching him interact with other students, he didn’t seem to treat her much differently than he treated everyone else. Matilda appreciated that. She didn’t want to feel like a monster.

Matilda had initially been nervous to see him up here, but it seemed as if he wasn’t about to send her away to bed. She wasn’t causing any harm, after all, but curfew was approaching. Still, he seemed as if he was just willing to...well, talk. That didn’t happen often. Matilda made it a point to avoid most students, and most professors made it a point to stay away from Matilda. But not Professor Copeland...Matilda figured it couldn’t hurt to talk a bit, even if it was intimidating to her. “That’s nice,” she said genuinely when he said his mum read to him and his sister. She hadn’t known Professor Copeland had a sister, but then again, why would she? Her smile faltered a little bit when he asked her about her family. “I...Yes. I had an older brother and an older sister. They were twins,” she said. She said had as if it was the past tense, but for all intents and purposes, they were the past tense. They were gone...or more so, she was gone. She had to accept that.

Samuel had learned early in his teaching career that getting to know his students made them more receptive to him and thus he was able to teach them. He knew that not all of them wanted to actually get to know him but those that did were able to be more open to learning. That really was key at Hogwarts where so many subjects were easy enough to learn but hard to master. Even he had not been skilled in Charms at his first term. He had taken time to price and perfect his pronunciation of incantations as well as his wand work. Samuel saw that many students these days did not have the same thinking and they often thought they would get the charm on their second attempt but that was not always the case. It was a lesson that they had to learn...amongst many lessons they had to experience and learn given that the lockdown was in full swing now. Being a head of house meant that Samuel did spend a fair bit of time at Hogwarts, definitely more than some other professors but even he had never spent this much time in one go here at the castle. He couldn’t say it was to much because him being here meant he was on hand to support his students while it took it him away from Calli and Jeremy.

He wanted nothing more than to be home. Anyone here who had heard him go on about the two of them would understand just how much he was missing them but there was nothing that neither of them could do. It was jus the situation that all of them were in. Hogwarts had lost the ‘life’ it had had because of the lockdown. There were fewer smile In the Great hall and less laughter the corridors. Samuel rembered not too long ago when he would hear nothing but ruckus laughter from everyone but now he just heard silence. It of course would not bother the Death Eaters in the least. They would probably hold everyone here indefinitely if they could. Of course they would wait to see what Wentzell wanted. While Samuel waited to get out of here he would try and go about his business as normal.

For Samuel that would involve talking to his students no matter the time of day. While had the ability to dish out detentions if they breached curfew, he was still understanding and they were past what had meant to be the end of the school year now. He had not sat here expecting to see any of them but he didn’t mind that Matilda had found him. ”Were twins?” he questioned the Ravenclaw as his brows furrowed slightly as he looked to her. He didn’t want to assume the worst and would wait for he to clear it up. ”Twins don’t run in my family, so Calli will never have to blame me for that if we have more children” he laughed as he tried to lighten the mood. She needed cheering up as did he, as did everyone.

Matilda tried not to overthink being back at Hogwarts, but it was impossible not to sometimes. She was relatively in the shadows. Most people she had known had moved on without her in their lives, which was okay with her. She didn’t need people pressing or asking questions more than they already did. It was suspicious enough that she had come back after a few years of absence. But to have people question it further was charting dangerous territory. She had a few acquaintances in her dorm, and she had a friend in Kit. That was all she needed to sustain herself here. She could live with it.

Professors were another story entirely, though. They all knew her secret, which set her on edge more than slightly. Most of them pain her no mind. A few gave her some dirty looks from time to time but she would take that over outright animosity. And while the professors may not like the fact that she was here, she figured they had enough sense to keep it to themselves for the good of the school. Adults could live it it, but children were cruel. Matilda just tried to blend in here, as that was for the best. She was extremely fortunate they let her back here at all; she wasn’t about to make them regret it by causing trouble.

Professor Copeland seemed like the exception to the rule when it came to professors. He not only didn’t give her dirty looks or practically ignore her, but he treated her kindly. That was rare here from professors, and she was glad he didn’t mind her. She really liked charms, it was one of the subjects she had excelled at in her schooling and when Davina had been tutoring her. She had caught up quickly, and she was nearly at pace with the other students. But she didn’t think Professor Copeland preferred her for that reason; she thought he was just a genuinely kind person. She shifted nervously in her seat when he asked why she said her siblings were twins. “Well...” she said, then quickly looking around to make sure no one else could hear her. “After I was turned, I ran away from my family. They’re not in my life anymore.” She wasn’t sure what he would think of that. She swallowed hard at the thought. Her expression turned to a soft smile. “I’m sure you’d both be lovely parents to twins,” she said to him. She could easily picture Professor Copeland as a father, and she could tell speaking about it brought him joy. She was glad to see it.

Samuel enjoyed teaching immensely. He wouldn't go as far as to say he was talented at it. No one was that perfect but he tried his best to encourage his students and to make sure they believed in their own ability when it came to charms. It was easy for them to doubt their abilities when it came to his class given that precision and concentration was needed. He understood that fully well, he had been a student just like them and he knew what it was like to have a million other things on your mind. Even as an adult he was guilty of it. Given now with the situation the school was in it was inevitable. Before the school had broken up for what would traditionally be the summer holidays he had seen many students weary and scared in his class and looking over their shoulder in hallways. It wasn't a nice sight and it did upset the man but he had to remain calm and collected. At least for his students.

He didn't know how many students would actually be allowed to go home because of their status or their connections. But for once he considered those purebloods lucky. He was envious of them. It was probably the only time he ever would be but he was still jealous. Calli would likely think it was stupid for him to be jealous of purebloods given she knew all too well about how they lived and about Death Eaters. But on the other hand she could see him jealousy as well-founded given how much he wanted to be home with her and Jeremy right now. When his son was older he would explain his absence from his first few months of life. His son would surely understand. Samuel if he could definitely find a way to get home right now but as fate would have it, he was stuck here.

In a way, he was only half glad that the students were stuck in here. Sure they might think he was crazy for thinking so but it meant that at least they weren’t being exposed to whatever was going on out there. He of course didn’t know what that was since he had no news from the outside and while he felt so isolated, he was also felt like he was meant to be here, if only to care for his students. He was happy to speaking to Matilda this evening. He didn’t see her differently from her peers. Sure she needed some concessions here and there given her status but he was not going ot single her out for what she was. She had been first a witch obviously. ”I’m sorry to hear that” He smiled at her. ”Have you ever thought about telling them or seeing them? I’m sure they’ve not forgotten you or stopped worrying about you” He said, he didn’t know the young witch’s full story but he knew what it was like for family to go years without talking or speaking to each other. He wondered if Matilda had ever considered it but he wanted to get a gauge if even she was contemplating. That could be seen as the first step in getting in contact with her family. As she spoke him being a good parent to twins he smiled, not fully knowing what to make of her suggestion. ”I’m glad my fiance isn’t here to hear that” Samuel laughed.