Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2018 17:00:08 GMT -5
This was supposed to be easy. Ultimately, Jules knew his duties as much as she did. Ultimately, Jules didn’t need her to be the voice of reason. Or so she had thought. The longer they talked, the less convinced Loraine was. This wasn’t the Jules she knew. The little, adorable bundle of cheer, with a golden smile and golden locks. He had been a source of joy to her, even when everything else had been dark and they had been condemned to ignominy. In all of this, she had never seen her brother like this. So brooding and, worst, so distant. She wanted to hug him and tell him that she’d take care of all his problems. But she couldn’t, because she did not understand his problem at all.
Loraine closed her eyes and breathed calmly. She was in control. She would not lose her temper. She never lost her temper, and Jules would not be the one to make her. He was talking like a child. And while she often thought of him as a child, he was an adult — not any adult, but the Bulstrode heir. It was a difficult position and a huge responsibility, but he could live up to their expectations. She knew it. She believed in him, had always believed in him until… now. She hardly knew what he was talking about. “This isn’t about me,” she said after an irritated pause in which she tried to digest that he was actually insinuating that she was demanding all of this because of herself. “This is about our family. You might have forgotten, but you’ve got mothers. You are the oldest son of an oldest son of one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight. Do I need to explain what this means? Do I ask anything of you that should not be your own highest goal? Are you seriously blaming me for what I said? Do I expect too much of you? Jules, I expect of you what I know you are capable of. This…” She sighed heavily. Yes, this was not his fault. She knew whose it was. A little public dancer’s. A shameless foreign wench with no other distinction but a modestly pretty exterior was at the bottom of this misery. But she wouldn’t say so. It would not help her cause. They just had to wait until the relationship went the way of most relationships and died. They had been an ill fit from the start. Something like that was not meant to last. It was something juvenile and passing. Loraine had no personal experience and her reasonings were relying on what she had heard or read or conjectured. But this did not change her conviction. The girl was not good enough for Jules. He deserved someone better. And with time, he would understand, but the time had not come yet. “I believe in you,” she said, swallowing all the accusations she would have liked to voice against Constance. “You can do this. You are brilliant. This is not as hard as it now seems. You will grow, and you will be exactly the man I know you can be.”
He was now truly getting on her nerves, not in the usual “little Jules is being immature again”-way, which as annoying as it could be, was also endearing. This was a new. The bitterness, the sarcasm. It felt so wrong. That was not who her brother was. “Comfort?” she retorted. “When you talk about the reinstitution of our family in our due place as if it was a minor detail in our lives? As if you did not care? As if you could placate me with words that clearly are just empty shells for you right now? What…” What was the matter with him? She had thought that he was a little distracted, that had happened before, and it had always been relatively easy to gently shove him back on the right path. But this, what was this? She didn’t understand. Her brother was a good boy, easy to guide and willing to learn. But the man who mumbled these cryptic sentences… she did not know him and he frightened her. This was not how her brother was supposed to behave. This was not her Jules, and she could not tolerate it. “This is not about comfort,” she said as calmly as she could. “It has never been. Don’t tell me you would like to return to the work camps. Tell me.” This change was a blessing, and though she was willing to pardon almost everything in Jules, this behaviour was unacceptable. Period.
Not to think was a weird counsel. It was one she had never thought she would give, because in most cases it was exactly as idiotic as it sounded. It was downright dangerous not to be always alert and figure out all possibilities, a guessing game that was more often lost than won. The world required of them to be on their guard as life was unpredictable. Politics were unpredictable. While Durant had been in charge, they had almost been powerless. Or rather, their only advantage lay in the cover of powerlessness. It was what kept them safe. They were far away from any position of influence, and strangely enough that had given them unique strengths — it had bonded them together and eliminated the concurrence between the different families. It had given them one simple goal: destroying Durant. But with the change of government, this common goal and with it their former strength had vanished to be replaced by true power. But with true power came greater responsibility and far greater danger. Now that their family was in the high social position that was their due, everything in their lives had become politics. There were new rules, new far more delicate aspects to be considered. Their life was again what it should be and back were all the old conflicts. And of these Jules was not yet aware enough. “Jules,” she said, trying not to sound too much like she was talking to a stubborn three year old, “it does not sound appealing, blindly trusting your seniors. I understand. But it would do you good. I’m convinced of this. You trust me, don’t you?” She smiled, but there was a very cold feeling in her chest all of a sudden. This was not fair of her. To corner him like that. But she did mean well, and that had to count for something. And she was advising the right course of action. She was right. And he had to know it.
“I don’t want to fight,” she said. “But, Jules, how should we not fret? We only want you to become the man you’re supposed to be. You know that there can be no happiness for any of us if we didn’t do our duties. They are too much a part of us. They are what really matter and define us. Without them, we are nothing. We cannot be without them. You’ll see-” She couldn’t tell him that he was too young. There were technically speaking only two years separating them. And yet, she was the only adult present right now. He’d be insulted if he knew that this was what she was thinking, but it was true. Had they been too protective of Jules, or why else was he so little focused? It couldn’t be so hard to strictly orient himself after what was most vital for the family’s welfare. Family came first. Always. He adhered to this principle like they all did, she couldn’t doubt him in that respect. She couldn’t doubt him, and she didn’t want to doubt him. And yet, here he stood like a stranger that she couldn’t understand. This was her brother. The one person in the world she knew best. And he was slipping away from her, and she had no clue how to hold him back. But she wanted to. She needed to. There were not many people in the world she truly cared about. Just her mothers and her two brothers. She liked her cousins and Uncle Fer well enough. She trusted them and appreciated their company, especially Uncle Fer was invaluable as escort to all the requisite societal gatherings and Penny was maybe her one true friend. But her world would continue turning if they didn’t exist anymore. It would hurt to lose them, but her life wouldn’t change much. She cherished their ties, but if need be, she was willing to cut them, willing to mourn them and then move on. But without Jules… the world was an empty place. Without Jules… of course nothing would change on the outside, but the mere thought made her feel all empty inside. Would she be able to keep going? She hoped so, but she didn’t know how.
“We only want your best,” she said gravely, trying to make eye contact with her brother. “You don’t doubt that, right? Time is a mighty lord. He’ll make you forget. He’ll make you heal.” Why was she even saying this? They were only discussing setting the right focus. This was not about him breaking up with that Mountbatten girl. She hadn’t said a word in that direction. Yet, it was the one thing that she was constantly thinking about. Because all of this was this little harpy’s fault. Why didn't she go back to her precious barbarian country and have herself hailed as a princess or whatever nonsense. No one wanted her here anyway.
Loraine closed her eyes and breathed calmly. She was in control. She would not lose her temper. She never lost her temper, and Jules would not be the one to make her. He was talking like a child. And while she often thought of him as a child, he was an adult — not any adult, but the Bulstrode heir. It was a difficult position and a huge responsibility, but he could live up to their expectations. She knew it. She believed in him, had always believed in him until… now. She hardly knew what he was talking about. “This isn’t about me,” she said after an irritated pause in which she tried to digest that he was actually insinuating that she was demanding all of this because of herself. “This is about our family. You might have forgotten, but you’ve got mothers. You are the oldest son of an oldest son of one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight. Do I need to explain what this means? Do I ask anything of you that should not be your own highest goal? Are you seriously blaming me for what I said? Do I expect too much of you? Jules, I expect of you what I know you are capable of. This…” She sighed heavily. Yes, this was not his fault. She knew whose it was. A little public dancer’s. A shameless foreign wench with no other distinction but a modestly pretty exterior was at the bottom of this misery. But she wouldn’t say so. It would not help her cause. They just had to wait until the relationship went the way of most relationships and died. They had been an ill fit from the start. Something like that was not meant to last. It was something juvenile and passing. Loraine had no personal experience and her reasonings were relying on what she had heard or read or conjectured. But this did not change her conviction. The girl was not good enough for Jules. He deserved someone better. And with time, he would understand, but the time had not come yet. “I believe in you,” she said, swallowing all the accusations she would have liked to voice against Constance. “You can do this. You are brilliant. This is not as hard as it now seems. You will grow, and you will be exactly the man I know you can be.”
He was now truly getting on her nerves, not in the usual “little Jules is being immature again”-way, which as annoying as it could be, was also endearing. This was a new. The bitterness, the sarcasm. It felt so wrong. That was not who her brother was. “Comfort?” she retorted. “When you talk about the reinstitution of our family in our due place as if it was a minor detail in our lives? As if you did not care? As if you could placate me with words that clearly are just empty shells for you right now? What…” What was the matter with him? She had thought that he was a little distracted, that had happened before, and it had always been relatively easy to gently shove him back on the right path. But this, what was this? She didn’t understand. Her brother was a good boy, easy to guide and willing to learn. But the man who mumbled these cryptic sentences… she did not know him and he frightened her. This was not how her brother was supposed to behave. This was not her Jules, and she could not tolerate it. “This is not about comfort,” she said as calmly as she could. “It has never been. Don’t tell me you would like to return to the work camps. Tell me.” This change was a blessing, and though she was willing to pardon almost everything in Jules, this behaviour was unacceptable. Period.
Not to think was a weird counsel. It was one she had never thought she would give, because in most cases it was exactly as idiotic as it sounded. It was downright dangerous not to be always alert and figure out all possibilities, a guessing game that was more often lost than won. The world required of them to be on their guard as life was unpredictable. Politics were unpredictable. While Durant had been in charge, they had almost been powerless. Or rather, their only advantage lay in the cover of powerlessness. It was what kept them safe. They were far away from any position of influence, and strangely enough that had given them unique strengths — it had bonded them together and eliminated the concurrence between the different families. It had given them one simple goal: destroying Durant. But with the change of government, this common goal and with it their former strength had vanished to be replaced by true power. But with true power came greater responsibility and far greater danger. Now that their family was in the high social position that was their due, everything in their lives had become politics. There were new rules, new far more delicate aspects to be considered. Their life was again what it should be and back were all the old conflicts. And of these Jules was not yet aware enough. “Jules,” she said, trying not to sound too much like she was talking to a stubborn three year old, “it does not sound appealing, blindly trusting your seniors. I understand. But it would do you good. I’m convinced of this. You trust me, don’t you?” She smiled, but there was a very cold feeling in her chest all of a sudden. This was not fair of her. To corner him like that. But she did mean well, and that had to count for something. And she was advising the right course of action. She was right. And he had to know it.
“I don’t want to fight,” she said. “But, Jules, how should we not fret? We only want you to become the man you’re supposed to be. You know that there can be no happiness for any of us if we didn’t do our duties. They are too much a part of us. They are what really matter and define us. Without them, we are nothing. We cannot be without them. You’ll see-” She couldn’t tell him that he was too young. There were technically speaking only two years separating them. And yet, she was the only adult present right now. He’d be insulted if he knew that this was what she was thinking, but it was true. Had they been too protective of Jules, or why else was he so little focused? It couldn’t be so hard to strictly orient himself after what was most vital for the family’s welfare. Family came first. Always. He adhered to this principle like they all did, she couldn’t doubt him in that respect. She couldn’t doubt him, and she didn’t want to doubt him. And yet, here he stood like a stranger that she couldn’t understand. This was her brother. The one person in the world she knew best. And he was slipping away from her, and she had no clue how to hold him back. But she wanted to. She needed to. There were not many people in the world she truly cared about. Just her mothers and her two brothers. She liked her cousins and Uncle Fer well enough. She trusted them and appreciated their company, especially Uncle Fer was invaluable as escort to all the requisite societal gatherings and Penny was maybe her one true friend. But her world would continue turning if they didn’t exist anymore. It would hurt to lose them, but her life wouldn’t change much. She cherished their ties, but if need be, she was willing to cut them, willing to mourn them and then move on. But without Jules… the world was an empty place. Without Jules… of course nothing would change on the outside, but the mere thought made her feel all empty inside. Would she be able to keep going? She hoped so, but she didn’t know how.
“We only want your best,” she said gravely, trying to make eye contact with her brother. “You don’t doubt that, right? Time is a mighty lord. He’ll make you forget. He’ll make you heal.” Why was she even saying this? They were only discussing setting the right focus. This was not about him breaking up with that Mountbatten girl. She hadn’t said a word in that direction. Yet, it was the one thing that she was constantly thinking about. Because all of this was this little harpy’s fault. Why didn't she go back to her precious barbarian country and have herself hailed as a princess or whatever nonsense. No one wanted her here anyway.
