A Matter of Honour

@jules

Jules might not know exactly why she had invited him to this promenade around the ruins of Corfe Castle. It was a cold day with the clouds covering the sky, and apart from the two of them, there weren’t much people around - just as Loraine had hoped. The cold felt familiar to her as she spent a lot of time working in morgues; it helped her concentrate more than it made her freeze. And should they end up having a heated discussion, it might keep them calm. It also couldn’t harm that they were both walking. He couldn’t just leave the room like he might do at home when their conversation turned somewhere he didn't want it to. She had her hand on his arm, he couldn’t and wouldn’t just leave her. He would never embarrass her because he was still the same little sweetheart he had always been. Therefore they climbed together up the path that led through the ruins. Ruins that told of the past, a glorious past, and ruins that Loraine hoped would help remind Jules of his place in the world. They had a long history too, but they were also going to have a future.

She didn't have any intention to talk about Constance. Not today. The poor fool was completely besotted with her, and there was nothing she could say to change that. There was more hope that she could influence the girl than her little brother. But that was not the point at the moment. The problem with Jules was that he was bad with assigning priorities. He wasn’t dumb, by no means. But then he also wasn’t thoughtful at all. He was intelligent, he was creative, he was sweet, and he was still a baby, who needed someone else to tell him what he should and should not do. Because whenever he made his own decisions, they were childish and not at all thought through. Or in two words: Constance Mountbatten.

There was no reason for Jules to bite off more than he could chew. He was capable to succeed if he concentrated. He only had to be told on what to concentrate: right now on university. Her brother couldn’t fail at Lufkin. He needed to succeed. Anything else but ending top of the class would be a failure. Jules was a natural where the Dark Arts were concerned, but Spell Invention was more than that. He needed to concentrate on his studies. And do his duty in the Wizengamot. From the larger perspective that was more important. He was the head of their family, he represented them. And his short-comings were their short-comings. But he was still so very young. In the year he needed to complete his studies, it was pardonable in him to do not put all his energy into this most illustrious duty. There were two things he could neglect at the moment, one was hopeless to speak of, the other was the Snatching. It might be a pleasant pastime, but it was still something that was not really appropriate for someone of Jules’ standing. Muggle hunting was for entertainment, not for a job. ”And Jules?” she asked when they halted on top of the hill. ”How are you getting along at university? It’s your final year, the one that matters most, right?”

outfit

Jules loved his family. He loved his mothers and his brother and his sister. They were together a lot, the four of them, and Jules loved spending time with them. He just needed to make that very, very clear before saying that he had a feeling of dread on the pit of his stomach from the moment Loraine asked him to go walk with her in the ruins of the castle near their home. Oh, they had come over often as children with their mother and the paths were as familiar as the gardens of the Manor. He and Loraine got along well and it wasn't unusual for them to do things such as this. But...but. She wanted something. Jules was sure his sister wanted something and he wasn't convinced he'd like it. Scratch that, he knew he wouldn't like it. It could be about Constance, which would mean they would argue but quietly because they were in public. She also made sure he wouldn't run be able to run because Jules would have never abandoned his sister unaccompanied in a public place.

Clever Loraine, really. Ivan was the only other person he knew that would do something so underhanded but their brother normally didn't bother with elaborate setups such as this. Jules wondered whether Mum knew what Lori planned on, whether she approved. Of course she did, who was he kidding. Lori was like Mother come again, they were both even blonde. Unlike Jules, who was apparently dumb and needed constant supervision, his sister's actions were always above reproach. He loved her for it. He really, really did. But would have appreciated Lori much more if she didn't turn her powers of evil on him. He saw it much too late, though. Now he was trapped here, at his sister's tender mercies, as they reached the top of the hill. All the way here, they had kept up a stream of light chatter, speaking mostly of her work at the hospital and her apprenticeship. Of course it would turn on him. He had been waiting for it, really.

Smiling, he took in the view and absolutely didn't give his sister what she wanted. "Eh, you know, Lori," he shrugged, nonchalant. "I took World Languages as an elective, which means I've tangled myself into four that don't even exist anymore. It's...going. I'm much more worried about finding a master to apprentice under," lie, total lie. He was thinking about the the mood Constance had been in all month, and the reason for it. It felt like they had forgotten, in part, the pain they had gone through until something came about to remind them of it. "I'm ready for it to be over."

Jules knew what he had to expect. He had to, he knew her too well. To be more exact, Jules didn’t know what, but that she had something to tell him. And that this would not be pleasant for him. But then life was not always pleasant, they had got to learn this the hard way during the past ten years. And only because things had massively increased for the better, that didn’t solve all their problems. It only changed them. Loraine approved of these changes while she doubted that Jules had ever seriously thought about them. Otherwise he wouldn’t have been as idiotic as to fall in love before making sure that his family considered such an emotion prudent.

But Jules’ feelings shouldn’t be discussed today. That was a too delicate manner, and she might get angry at him. She didn’t want to row with her brother, at least not today. Not here. They would have a civilized, rational discussion, she would take care of that. He couldn’t get away from her physically, and she would not allow his attention wander away from what she had to tell him.

Her first question had been innocent enough, but of course Jules smelled a rat. And tried to be evasive. She smiled in light amusement at him for a moment before turning her head to look at over the green hills. ”The landscape is really lovely,” she said, not sweetly but as close to sweetly as she ever would. ”Everything is just so green, it surprises me every time. But Jules-” She gave him another amused look. ”The older the language, the more effective the spell. Isn’t it like that? I am sure you will be able to put this knowledge to good use. It is always befitting in a lord to know more than the commons.” At least Jules was thinking about the future with the apprenticeship. Or pretended to think about it. Pretending was a first step; appearances were of importance, some might say the most important. But it wouldn’t be enough for her brother. ”I am sure that will not pose a great problem,” she said. ”Aunt Lucinda is a Spell Inventor, and I think Carlisle Rosier too. You see, we’ve got the right connections, and as long as you’ve got excellent results, you would find a master even without. And you are going to have excellent results. Everybody knows that.” Loraine didn’t care if she was putting pressure on her brother. He should feel it even without her, he knew what he was due to his name.

”It is only over when you’ve sat your exams,” she said, her voice growing a bit more stern - not much but enough for someone who had grown up with her to hear. ”I am sure you put all the required energy in your studies, right?”

Whilst Ivan often made Jules feel like an idiot, Loraine had the gift of making him feel like a child. It wasn't anything that she did, actually. His sister loved him and most of the time they didn't fight. It was just that Lori was so put together, so in control of her own life and always knowing what to do. He felt immature and unprepared, even though there wasn't that much of an age difference between them. Two years but it could be two decades. He had to say, it wasn't something that bothered him often. Someone had to act their age in that house. Ivan was so straight-laced and Lori was the perfect lady always. He had to be the fun one, the one who pulled them for their adult Lord and Lady mentality for a few moments. But yeah, he was just realising that it didn't give him leave to be irresponsible. Like he had been in a few instances, now.

Under Lori's stare, Jules kinda felt that he was being judged for all his mistakes and the ones he had yet to make. It was...uncomfortable, even though he knew it wasn't exactly his sister's intention with that. Or maybe it was. In any case, he was sure it wasn't meant in a bad way. It just...Jules didn't want to talk about university. He loved his major, couldn't wait until he could call himself a spell inventor. But studying sucked. All his interesting classes were over and done with and now he just had to to go through ethics and languages and procedures and maths. He was bored. The only thing he still enjoyed was working on the spell he had to present by the end of the course, as some sort of practical exam. In a way, he was sure his professors wouldn't appreciate it all that much. No imagination, those sorts. Aunt Lucy would, he was sure, but she wouldn't be the one evaluating his final work. That meant that Jules had had to put an annoying restraint on what he could do as final project. Nothing dark, for one. Even with the change in government, his professors were all rather fishy in their allegiance. There was a Weasley around, for fuck's sake and that weird aunt of his - the halfblood - worked there as well. The woman had tried talking to Jules sometimes but he was very much not interested.

"No, Lori, we should totally go back to talking about the landscape. Really," he snickers, before straightening up and looking at her. So they were doing it. Urgh, he didn't need that lecture from his sister but he doubted it would stop her, if he were to say that. "Yeah, I know. I've been good, I promise. Top of my class and all that. Having a bit of trouble with some spots of pronunciation but Uncle Fer and Aunt Pansy have been pretty helpful with that," or would be, once Jules decided to ask them for help, really. But Lori didn't need to know that. "Besides, I've got Latin and Greek down already. That's the basis of magic in most of Europe. I'll be fine," it wouldn't be enough for his sister and, frankly, it wasn't enough for him. But the last thing he needed right now was to think about how much of a pain Sanskrit and Persian were. Speaking of that, he had a million and one translations to work on to next week. And, to make matters worse, all of his classmates were dumb and he couldn't even copy something of theirs.

Jules made a face at the Rosier thing but he supposed Aunt Lucy would be a great option. He'd rather, if possible, get take in by the likes of The Lord Lestrange but his aunt was a scary, scary woman, for all that she focused herself on wandmaking. "I guess. I'll ask mum if she can't put in a good word with The Lord Lestrange first. Asking Uncle Thor to do the same won't hurt either. But it's good to know that I'll always have Aunt Lucy as an option, she's very good," and less likely to torture him for minor failures, at that. Something that didn't appeal much or at all.

"The only way I could study more was if I swallowed the books, Lori," Jules rolled his eyes. "Give it a rest, will you? Tell me, how are things at the hospital? I already know mum is running you to the ground in the apprenticeship but at least tell me you're enjoying things."

Even though she would never admit it, Loraine was not totally immune against the temptation to procrastinate things. It did not happen often, and she never gave in, but it still vexed her. As much as she tried, she was human. Nevertheless, she knew very well how to keep herself under control. Sadly, she couldn’t say the same about Jules. He was the sort of person who would be carried away by a fancy and neglect more urgent business. In almost everybody else Loraine would have felt disdain for such a lack of self-control, but in her baby brother it was endearing. Sure, she was not pleased when she saw him getting his priorities wrong, but she couldn’t be angry. She couldn’t find it in her heart to really blame him for anything - apart from his fancy for the Mountbatten girl, but that was of no importance right now. They had to wait until Jules returned to his senses. Mother had made it clear what she thought of it, there was no way that he wouldn’t follow her reasoning in time.

Until then, he was best of as preoccupied as possible. She was glad that university had started again and only wished that Jules would put more energy into it. It didn’t matter whether he enjoyed his studies, he only had to be the best student possible. It wasn’t that much to ask for. Loraine knew that he was truly interested in the subject - just maybe not in the exact way his professors would have liked him to be. He certainly enjoyed the Snatching thing more, but that was just a pastime - at least it kept him away from the Mountbatten girl. And Ivan could be trusted to keep everything under control, so it wasn’t that bad. Still, Jules was a member of the Wizengamot, he had to present their family. Not that he would ever do anything shameful on purpose, but the possibility that he might let them down was not completely nonexistent. But then, Jules didn’t need to deal with problems alone, he had his mothers. He had his brother. He had her.

”That’s good to hear,” she said. ”Remind me to thank Uncle Fer too for helping you. That must have been very tiring for him. Answering so many questions.” She suppressed a smirk as she watched his expression, almost certain that he wouldn’t like what she had just said. She had no intention of actually checking with Uncle For whether Jules had been doing as he claimed, but she wouldn’t just blindly believe him - especially when he was so obviously just trying to avoid her. ”Greek and Latin?” she repeated. ”Is that your idea of a joke? You’re in the last semester and you’ve got the basis down? Shouldn’t you by now be an expert in Sumerian, or at the very least tell me that you’ve mastered Egyptian!” She shook her head in exasperation. That he took his courses that little serious, she hadn’t expected.

”Give it a rest?” she said, her voice rising slightly. ”Because you are really keeping focused on your duties? Would you be willing to swallow your books if you could? Can you really assure me - in all honesty - that you are not at the risk of biting off more than you can chew - and that from the dessert, not from the main course.”

She huffed at his attempt to change the conversation topic. ”Mother cannot expect more from me than I do myself. Even less with Ivan and Evan also being under her tutelage. And, yes, I am ̓enjoying things’. But this is of absolutely no importance, and I’m afraid that’s what you haven’t understood yet.” She paused to force herself to calm her breathing. Sometimes Jules could be so immature. ”I work at the hospital and I give my best because that’s what I, Mother, society, everyone expects of a Bulstrode. A Bulstrode does what serves the family best. I may now live my dream at the hospital, but when I started my education at St Mungo’s, almost everybody there would only turn in my direction to spit into my face. We both know how debasing life was back then. But we kept our heads down and gave our best. Because that was how we could help our family. And that is still the most important aspect of our actions. The rules may have changed to our advantage, but in the mean time the game has also become far more complex.” Relieved that she had managed to stay composed during her speech, she looked up at her brother and lovingly pressed his arm. ”You don’t forget that, do you?”

He had been right in thinking that he should have run away the moment Lori said she needed to talk. Okay, no, she said wanted but Jules heard needed as he always did when it involved either his sister or their mothers. Ivan he ignored on a principle but that never lasted because Ivan wouldn't leave him alone anyway. But if Lori had wanted to chat, she'd have done it at home. No need to make Jules get dressed and drag him to this place only to catch up. Oh, no. Lori had a plan. Worse yet, she had an endgame. He wasn't sure whether their mums had put her up to this or whether she had this brilliant idea of ambushing him all by herself. Whatever the reason, the result was terribly uncomfortable and he had the strangest urge to laugh. Of despair. Because this was what his life had come to, avoiding his sister's nefarious plan to make him into a responsible, sensible wizard or whatever it was.

It didn't help any that Jules was sure that his academic achievements wouldn't have been in question if everyone in his family - in his life, even, because Uncle Fer had taken to nagging him as well and he was sure Aunt Lucy had been giving him those looks - didn't doubt his romantic choice. Or his ability to choose in general. Jules was pretty sure that they were having meetings behind his back to discuss his complete and utter failure to be a proper Lord or whatever it was. Honestly, it would have bothered him a lot more if he hadn't been so...busy. With other things. With Constance and with avoiding thinking about university and with snatching. It was fine, he was fine and happy and everyone else seemed to be intent on making him miserable - in different degrees. Lori didn't mean it but neither did Mother and it didn't mean he wasn't ridiculously pissed. Not at them, exactly. But at the world in general. The day was nice, however, and he was already here. Leaving would hurt Lori and Jules loved her. He knew she meant well. The questions were irritating and annoying and just a little invasive but he could deal with them and escape at his earliest convenience.

As Lori spoke, Jules winced a bit, resolving to talk to Uncle Fer, like, yesterday. He hoped she hadn't caught it but knowing her - and better yet, knowing their mother and what she would have taught Lori -, she didn't miss it. Fucking hell. Not only he had lied to his sister but he was also probably caught. She would never let him live it down. "Sure," he shrugged, faux casual. Hopefully, she'd let it go. He wasn't holding his breath but. "He's very patient, Lori. Almost a saint, really," actually Uncle Fer had been rather short in temper and prone to strange moods but hell if Jules knew why. Then he didn't have time to contemplate anything else because Lori was exuding disapproval at his general existence and it was so very tiring. "Come now, Lori. I've known Greek and Latin since we started having lessons. Of course I'm studying other languages. What I mean is that, if nothing else, I'm fluent in these two and it's all I need to start my career," or rather, that was what he was telling himself to justify completely ignoring most of his assignments. He'd catch up, he knew. It was...just not the time. At all.

Jules listened, eyes closed, as his sister raged at him. Well, raged wasn't the right word. She was perfectly composed, voice level but for the smallest of changes. But her words grated and they were meant as a chastisement. Too bad he only felt irritated by them. Breathing in, he tried to let go because, honestly? It wasn't worth letting her work him up like that. Not now. "Loraine, Loraine. I don't need a reminder of my duties. Of my responsibilities. For some reason, everyone has been doing it for the past few months and I'm really fucking tired of it, alright? I know what's expected of me," and here he could have been talking about many, many things, really. "And I don't need any reminders. I'm not a child anymore, no matter what you and mother might see when you look at me."

He had hoped, naively, that her talking against the hospital was going to be the change in subject that he wanted. They could speak of her days, of whatever was interesting at work, maybe about her internship with mother. And, for a while - a few seconds -, it was. Then it came back to duty, came back to how he was failing them. At how they were all disappointed in him. Fucking, bleeding hell. He kept looking at the distance, letting her words washing over him. Maybe, a few months ago, he'd have bowed his head and apologised. Maybe he'd have told her he was just too tired of duty and expectations. Maybe he'd have shared what kept him awake at night and how empty he felt sometimes. Now? Now he wanted to be done with this conversation and be away from Lori for a while. Her words - like Mother's words - were only heavy because he was weary of them. Her touch made him look up and for a moment he hated that she looked at him like that. With love and worry and care. Because he didn't need to be reminded of it, not when he wanted to be left alone. Still, he forced a faint smile on his lips. "I don't forget, Loraine. Not what happened them, not what's happening now. I remember what it was, to be anathema to those who are beneath us. I remember the shadow under our mothers' eyes, the judgement of the inferior. I know. You don't get to tell me I don't. You wouldn't understand."

If anybody would ask Loraine who the most important person in her life was and they would get an answer (which was an entirely fictional scenario), she might name her birth mother. But if the question were who was most dear to her, there could only be one reply (that she wouldn’t give because she wouldn’t suffer anyone asking such questions unless they’d know the answers before - and then they wouldn’t be as ridiculous as to ask): her brother. His little face, surrounded by dark golden ringlets, that peaked out from under a blanket, his modest weight in her short arms, his whimpering that she tried to soothe - all of this was a past they shared, but only she remembered. He had been the one who kept her going though she was only a little girl herself when their mother was taken from them for the painfully long time that the trial lasted. She had been only four when she learnt that she couldn’t count on her mother always being there. She had understood so little and only knew that the baby that was her responsibility was aware of even less. Jules would always be the baby she needed to keep away from harm, and it didn’t matter when he cried as long as he would be safe.

Maybe Jules would be offended if he knew to what an extent her love for him was inextricably connected to the first and of him forgotten years of his existence. He tended to be protective of her instead which she had never been able to consider anything else but cute. Of course, Jules was superior to almost any other being on the planet, but a protector was the last thing she needed. As long as their judgement was sound, there was nothing that could harm a Bulstrode. And, with respect to all the love she felt for Jules, she trusted her own judgment considerably more than his. And of late, he was erring more gravely than she had considered possible, and what he was saying at the moment did nothing to ease her doubts. Her brother was being irresponsible and he was past the age where that was endearing in any sense of the word.

”Of course,” she agreed calmly. Jules should learn that exaggerating was never the best way to be convincing. But as of now she wouldn’t question Uncle Fer’s saint-like qualities - he could look after himself and still give professional advice. And that was all Loraine expected that he gave Jules. She had only needed to make sure that Jules would also ask for it. And it seemed that her brother would need help, as his excuses were exactly one thing in her opinion - weak. ”Minimalism is not a trait I would like to see associated with my brother,” she said, probably a tiny bit colder than she had intended. His attitude started to vex her. He knew the basics he said. After over three years of studying. In her annoyance she was maybe a bit too severe, but the more he talked the worse his current abilities sounded. Could he not at least pretend to understand how important it was that he may be flawless? It wasn’t like she asked less of herself.

Jules was getting irritated. No, she knew him well enough, he already was. Still, she had to suppress a smirk. He wasn’t a child anymore. That was what he said when he was at his most childish. It was adorable. Almost. Sadly, the situation was too serious for it to be. ”The question is not if you know what is expected of yourself,” she said. ”The question is whether you expect the same of yourself as well. And mind your language.” Loraine wasn’t personally bothered by cursing, but it was not something a brother was supposed to do in front of his sister. These breaches of etiquette were on the growing list of negligences that Jules was of late cultivating.

She was being harsh today, but she was convinced, it was necessary. With time, Jules would understand. And yet, it was painful to watch him trying to conceal his annoyance. Maybe even anger? She hated the idea that he was angry with her though that would never make her regret what she had said. And yet... ”Wouldn’t I?” she asked tonelessly. She had thought she was prepared for something like his last remark, but the sadness that gripped her at her brother’s comment was completely unexpected. To be shut out in one simple sentence - hurt. ”Jules…” she said slowly, looking at him carefully and hoping to figure out what he might need to hear right now. She had said nothing but what he knew anyway - that he hadn’t heard before by others. She hadn’t thought that it could cause him any real trouble. ”Can’t you try to explain then?” She resisted the urge to sweep a lock of hair away from his forehead. He still looked so very much like the little baby she used to rock in her arms. Back then, his needs had been so simple. But now? Maybe he was right and she wouldn’t - didn’t want to - couldn’t allow herself to - understand.

The worst part about talking to Loraine was that she knew that Jules valued her opinion of him maybe more than anyone else's other than their mum. Lori was his sister, she loved him and he her. He'd have done anything to make her proud, he has done the possible and the impossible to be always that little brother she remembered so fondly, to deserve all the trust and the pride that she put on him. Lori reminded him so much of Eleanor that it was almost painful, sometimes, and why he very much hated that twist of her mouth that said that he was not reaching whatever standard she expected him to. It wasn't there often, there was very little Jules could make to upset either his mother or his sister but- lately, it seemed that he could do little else. It hurts, in a way that he didn't like, that Lori thought it necessary to ambush him like this to speak to him, to apparently take him to task over something that he hadn't been doing.

And she wasn't even wrong. For all that Jules hated this, hated the pressure and the way everyone seemed to want something from him that he was unwilling to give - or maybe couldn't, no one ever asked him if he wanted to carry the weight of their name on his back after all -, he also knew that Lori didn't speak for the glory of it, for the sake of duty alone. She genuinely thought she was doing what was best for him - and maybe she was - and wanted him to see what she was seeing. Hell, his sister might even be right. But it felt all so wrong to him. He was suffocating and all everyone ever saw was the carefree playboy that was neglecting his duty because of a pretty face. It seemed that even his sister missed it, how miserable he had been before Constance came to breathe life into him and how miserable he was now that everyone seemed to be intent on taking it away from him - or, at the very least, making it hard for him to enjoy the one good thing in his life without feeling some sort of enormous guilt.

Jules couldn't suppress a wince at his sister's tone but he did avert his eyes, lest she see the hurt in them. Fuck, he wanted out. What wouldn't he do to be able to spend a few hours with Constance somewhere, not thinking about anything other than how her perfume relaxed him or about the light reflecting on her dark locks. He wanted peace. He wanted not to feel like a child who had to justify his every action to the women in his life. He wanted- he wanted that look of thin disapproval and disappointment to leave Lori's eyes, he wanted her to be proud of her again. He had to clasp his hands together to stop them from pulling at his hair. "It feels as if there are plenty of things that you'd rather not associate with me, Loraine. I'd have you speak them plainly. Otherwise, how will I make sure I'm reaching the expectations set out to me? I'm no seer, sister," the words were said tiredly and he didn't look at her again, preferring to wrestle the urge to beg her forgiveness, to beg for her to tell him what to do because he was so lost and all that he wanted was seemingly not good enough, not appropriate, not what he should want.

"I apologise," Jules ground out, stiffly, at her language rebuke. What the fuck did it even matter? But rules were rules and mother would never let him hear the end of it if he were discourteous to Lori, even in a matter small as that. As for the rest, he could hardly tell her that he didn't expect anything of himself and that he couldn't care less. That, if it weren't for name and expectations and duty, he'd spend his days in the garden, painting and drawing without a care in the world. He wondered if Lori knew that he was never happier than when he was creating something - either destruction or art. Soaking up sunlight, using colours to translate the world into paper. No decisions, no pressure, no obligations. Constance was not overly ambitious, from what he's seen, but he can't help but wonder if she, too, would find his lack of appetite for power to be off-putting. Maybe she wanted the Jules he appeared to be to everyone but himself in the darkest moments of his night - self assured and decided, cocky and powerful. Not the calm wizard that longed for nothing but being able to be without the weight of decisions and choices pushing him down. It...didn't matter. "You don't want to know what I expect of myself, Lori. Don't ask."

"Have you ever wanted peace, sister?" he asked, instead of answering her question, still looking away from her. Eyes tight and mouth set, he tries not to let his temper get the best of him - not on his sister. He hates being angry, hates this strange churning of violence and hatred and powerlessness that are often directed at himself instead of the world but somehow translates wrong and hurts the people he loves. Loraine doesn't need to see it. "Not the sort you find in the world, not the end of fighting. The peace that you can only have with yourself, when you are truly, utterly sure you're doing what you're meant to for yourself. When you can lie your head at night and sleep soundly because you are not gripped by impotent rage and crushing despair. When every little thing you have to choose and every decision you have to make doesn't chip at you just a little more to the point you think that, soon, there will be nothing left," his voice is soft and the wind whistles over it. Jules almost hopes Loraine can't hear him. "No, I don't think I can explain. It is better if I don't, for you and for me both."

Jules’ life wasn’t easy, Loraine would never try to convince him of anything else. He was the heir to the Bulstrode name, the first in line ever since he reached full age. It was a lot to live up to, a lot of pressure, and she had always suspected that Jules was the one in their family who would struggle the most under such circumstances — not because he couldn’t reach the required standards, of course he could, but because he didn’t have as analytical and controlled a disposition as the rest of their family. He’d get distracted, he’d allow his fancy to wander — though she would never have expected that this fancy would go to such improper places as it had done. Ultimately, she had always believed, he’d act the way that served his family best. He’d know his priorities. It seemed he wasn’t there yet. It seemed that he wasn’t even taking everything as serious as he should. Though there had been discomfort visible for a moment when she had scolded him, his words were something oddly between between rebellious and apologetic. ”You know exactly what we want from you,” she said. ”To fulfill your duties as head of our family. You don’t have to be a seer to know this. Just concentrate on what is really important right now, namely your studies. Then the Wizengamot. And for both you can take recourse to family members with more experience. I would just like to see you learn so that soon you can be independent. I wish I could say that you’re putting all your effort where effort is needed. Tell me that you’re striving to do so. I know it’s not easy, but I know even better that you can live up to our expectations. I am convinced that in fifty years I will be so much prouder of you than I am now. And believe me, I am proud of you. I have always been proud of you.”

She nodded curtly, acknowledging his apology. He did not exactly sound remorseful, but it had been more important to remind him that some slips were not acceptable. She was maybe too severe, especially as he seemed increasingly troubled. But he was the Lord Bulstrode, and he needed to reach certain standards at all times. He had to take over responsibility at an age where he wasn’t mature enough yet. It was one of the few things that Loraine considered not ideal in the way society was constructed. It gave power to men who were not ready while there would be women perfectly capable of the same task. Their mother should have held the seat in the Wizengamot for another ten years during which Jules could have learnt. He was no politician; it had to be very confusing for him. And Loraine feared that the sad truth was that he didn’t even give it all of his attention. Not with that Snatching pastime (though Ivan could control him there), and most certainly not with that unfortunate infatuation of his. The longer she looked at her dejected brother, the more she loathed Constance Mountbatten.

Her brother used to be so easy to understand. A sweet, lovable boy, who only needed sometimes a reminder that no matter how brilliant he was, some work remained necessary. Someone not totally in control of himself, but enough in control that he’d accept the support his family gave him. Someone who needed supervision, but it was a joy to supervise just because he was such a talented wizard and worthy of his name. Never before had he been the one to mumble cryptic sentences that could mean a million different things. What did he expect from himself? The answer should be easy: What his family expected of him. But did he now mean that he set the bar even higher or the opposite? She should be insisting, but he seemed so miserable that for once she did as he told her and remained silent.

What Jules was saying left Loraine staring at him helplessly, and not only because his voice dropped so low that she could hardly hear him at the end. ”I…” She didn’t know what he was talking about. Peace? She was at peace with herself and the world. There was much to do, but peace had never meant folding your hands and sitting idly around. Their world was recovering from the Durant administration, and Loraine herself was satisfied to see those who had slighted them receive their due punishment. Everything was developing in the best direction, and there was little reason for unrest. Not everything was perfect, and there was still a long way to go for them, but there was peace. She had no idea what her brother meant. ”I wanted our sufferings to end back then,” she said, trying to catch her brother’s eyes and hoping for some sign that would explain his behaviour. ”I was full of indignation about the treatment we received. But it’s over now. Those who did this pay for what they have done. The world returns to its true course. This is peace. This is how it’s meant to be. So what…” This was her baby brother. He was a part of her — the only one for who she felt nothing but tenderness. Who she felt she needed to protect because he couldn’t do it himself. And now that she heard him talk this feeling grew stronger, and she was afraid that truly the one she had to protect him from was himself. Once again. And he wouldn’t let her.

”You know we’re here,” she said softly. ”Your decisions… you don’t have to make them on your own. Ask our mothers. Ivan. There’s no reason for despair or rage… your position is not easy, I understand that. You’ve got a huge responsibility at a very young age. But you don’t have to do everything at once. As I said, the most important matter should now be your studies. And then you’ll concentrate on the Wizengamot. And while politics are a slippery territory, you don’t have to deal with it on your own.” Loraine pressed her lips together. It made such perfect sense to her, and yet, she couldn’t help but feel that it was not at all what Jules had meant. It was still what he needed to hear. He had his duties, and as much as she loved him, she couldn’t let him neglect them. He owed it to his family. But he needed help, and the consciousness that she couldn’t be the one to provide this help was heart-rending. ”Don’t think too much,” she said. It was an advice that sounded very wrong, but then her brother was apparently letting his thoughts go wild, and he had to learn to control them. ”Discuss your decisions with mother, and trust her judgement. There’s enough time to learn to stand on your own feet, and I’m sure one day you’ll…” There was nothing she could say. He continued to stare at some distant point, seemingly determined to avoid her. ”Jules,” she said, almost shocked at how imploring she sounded. She hardly recognized her own voice. ”Jules, look at me!”

Jules could not have been unaware that he had been less than ideal in fulfilling his duties even if he tried. He took university as a joke, most of the time, left the most important matters of the Wizengamot for uncle Thor, spent his time snatching and having fun with muggles and their like. The tamest of his hobbies was drawing and painting and he could spend hours doing either. Hardly something would expect from the Lord Bulstrode, not something that he thought his family believed to be a worthy pastime by any chance, but it was something that they had never said anything against. In fact, they never said a single negative word about anything that Jules did or didn't do, leading him to be able to believe that, though he was failing to reach his true potential for now, that it wouldn't matter. They'd always love him, always support him, and that they believed that he had time. Never pressure him into anything that he wasn't ready for, mostly because they trusted that he'd get there by himself. Now, speaking to Lori, listening to his sister talk to him, Jules had the uncomfortable thought that they might have held back on saying anything because they didn't think he could take it. That he'd break under the pressure, that he was somehow some weak little thing that needed to be guided and coaxed into doing their bidding with gentle words and even gentler hands. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, that all the words of praise and love and pride could have been calculated to make him pliant and more receptive to criticism, to their demands coated in honey and sugar. Jules loathed to think so of his family but...the first time he did something for himself, that he made a decision alone, that he did something he was proud of, they all turned against him - so quick to condemn the initiative they said to have wanted from the start.

Lori's words of pride curdled his stomach and Jules had to swallow, drily, lest everything in his stomach make an appearance. If she was so proud of him, why could she not support his choice? Why could she not trust that he wouldn't be doing this if he didn't think it worthy, if he didn't think he could deal with the consequences? Wouldn't he be much more equipped to deal with any fallout from the inevitable toppling of the Wentzells from power and the effect it would have on them if he was with Constance if his family stood by him? Supported his choice and helped him make sure this would not unduly affect them instead of harshly judging him and throwing family honour and duty on his face, like blows? Oh, he knew Mother thought him a fool, for not having seen it at first. And he hadn't, not really. He could see now, however, and things were not as bleak as Eleanor made it seem. It was possible, he knew it was, and he wanted it enough to want to try. Jules was not an idiot, he was capable of evaluating risk and dealing with it. But he could not do so when his family seemed to be determined to undermine his efforts by using his familial responsibilities against him. They knew, they had to know, that he'd never choose something that would endanger them. That he'd rather die first. Why were they acting as if he was being purposefully obtuse, heedlessly throwing the family in a pit? He could not understand - and the only option was that they didn't trust him to know better. It...hurt. "I see. If in fifty years I still live, I still have my sanity, I'm sure it will be great comfort to know that I've given up everything to make you proud, sister. It will have to be, for to be the man you expect me to be, I'll have to cast off everything else," harsher than he wished to be, though his tone did not change from the softness he had adopted, but he felt it resonate as true inside his heart. To be the wizard Lori expected him to be...he'd have to turn into their father. Thaddeus had always put family and duty first. Thaddeus had been a terrible man.

Sometimes, whenever he was drawing, Jules imagined what his life would have been if he hadn't been born the only son of the Lord Bulstrode. Just another wizard, with normal worries and responsibilities. He'd have been able to be with the woman he loved, yes, but...more than that, Jules wouldn't feel like he was losing his mind. People - his family - expected him to shoulder a burden so heavy that he was breaking under it, to make decisions that he could not truly agree or even analyse, to choose between impossible solutions. He wasn't ready. Jules...he didn't want this. He's never wanted any of this but it was his to have and to be responsible for anyway. He couldn't run from his duty, no matter that there were mornings when even deciding what he wanted to eat for breakfast sounded too much work. And yet he had to put on a face, had to go out and be the carefree, careless little Lord that he had been a year ago, two even, before all of this happened. He thought it rather ironic that the restoration of their kind to power was the thing that shattered his peace - and, as he felt some days, his mind. Lori couldn't, wouldn't know any of this, of course. As painful as it was not to confide in her, not to run to her arms and sob and beg for help because he was lost and he didn't know what was happening to him anymore and he wasn't sure he wanted this, he had to stay strong. His Mothers did, Lori did, Ivan did. Jules could, too. Whatever was wrong with him would surely pass. Being with Constance helped, after all, which meant it was a trifling ailment.

Listening to his sister speak, so passionately and happy about the current state of affairs, showed Jules that it was paramount that he not give in into such childish impulses. After all, they already mistrusted him and his ability to make choices qhen they thought him to be in control of himself. He could never allow them to think otherwise, for surely that would be more than enough proof that they were right to doubt his decision to have Constance. That was the only thing that he was sure about, these days. The one decision he could be proud of, knowing it was made for himself. They wouldn't take it away from him, not because he failed to suck it up. His mood whiplashes were giving him headaches of the worst kind but, thank small mercies, none of the conflict raging inside him showed on his face. It was impossible to hide everything from Lori, of course, for she knew him too well - not well enough, not well enough - but whatever showed it would not even scratch the surface of his true feelings. "It is done. All is as what should be, sister. Is it not what you want to hear? That I wish for nothing more than the continued success of this venture, that this is all I require to be happy and at peace? There, I've said it. Hopefully, it will give you some comfort," for there was none to be had by him, not truly. It was not that he was unhappy with it. Of course not. His mothers had suffered much and Lori had been old enough to remember more than him about those dark days. But Jules wished his family could see that there was much beyond this, that his happiness didn't hinge upon the power struggles of purebloods. Well, it did. For it was the very reason that he was having this discussion now.

"Don't think," he almost snorted. "Maybe that's what I need to do. Not think and just do what I have to...maybe it will make it easier..." Lori's words filtered in and out of his head as he stared at the scenery below, lost inside his own head. It had far too many things clouding up his sanity, as of late, and he longed for peace. Not think. Not have to deal with anything more complicated than the next colour to be added to a painting or the next thing he'd sketch. The next line on a complicated spell. Jules needed- he wanted- He was broken from the maelstrom going on in his head by his sister's voice. He had never heard Lori sound so...desperate? His sister, always so in control, so certain of herself. What could have possibly put her in such state? Certainly not their conversation, for Jules didn't think he was doing a terrible job of trying to make it come to a natural end. Still, he turns to her, glassy eyes trying to focus on her face as he smiles absently. "Fret not, Lori. I am paying attention and I'm looking at you. Let's not fight, you know I'll heed to your words," like I always do.