I'll Be Home For Christmas

@cass
Date: 23 December 2017
Location: Cass's Apartment

Home...it was a concept Matilda hadn’t really understood in years. She had never known a home, not since she had abandoned her own. It was odd to think back to it; it had been ripped from her so quickly that she almost completely dissociated it as a part of her own life. Matilda then was a different person that she was now… Her childhood was but a distant memory, and it often felt like it happened to someone else that wasn’t her. Her parents, her siblings...they weren’t a part of her life anymore. In an odd, twisted way, they weren’t even a part of her family. A distant memory...it was all they were. That wasn’t to say thinking about them didn’t hurt, that she didn’t miss the life she once had, but she knew at this point she was never getting it back.

Home for Christmas...the thought was a distant one, but it was what she now had. She finally had a home, somewhere she felt safe, somewhere she felt cared about. She had been through so much to get here, on the streets, on her own, in the orphanage, on the run again, Davina found her, Nick found her, she went back to Hogwarts...it was a lot. It was a lot to take in, and Matilda had spent so long suppressing it all that she had never allowed herself time to process. She was always on edge, always worried, and it was all catching up with her now. Still, now that she had a steady place to live, the burden of all that had happened was eased a bit, thanks to Cass and Niles.

Matilda sat on the floor with her legs folded under her, a blanket around her shoulders and a cup of tea cradled in her hands. There was an enchanted fire burning in the hearth that Niles had started even though they were in an apartment. Out the window, night was falling, the sky a dark inky blue. Matilda felt almost peaceful. Christmas was in two days, and it was the first time she had celebrated since she was thirteen years old. She had Cass, she had Niles...but there was still a hole in her heart where Kit had been. He was dead...he was gone. The first person she had let in, the first person she had been close to at Hogwarts, was dead and gone. It felt as if so much was being ripped from her time after time. She had written Cass as soon as she had known, and she had run into his arms without pause for the first time ever when she had gotten off the train, crying for the fact that Kit was gone and she was seeing someone she loved and trusted. Matilda rested her head on the couch, watching the fire crackle. She was losing herself in thought, and then she heard the door. She snapped her head around, suddenly tense. “Cass?”

Going to pick up Matilda at King's Cross was the hardest thing he'd done in many years, and this was counting the fact that while he abhorred violence, he was a hitman. It went against every instinct he had, going out onto a platform filled with people. It was dangerous for werewolves, especially since members of staff might be present who were privy to Tilly's condition. They looked enough alike for most people to not bat an eye at him picking her up, but anyone who knew about her lycanthropy would immediately know that it was unlikely for her to stay with her blood family, which meant that anyone waiting for her would be like her. He knew this, it terrified him, yet never had it occurred to him to not show up. Even less after the letter he'd gotten, telling him how her close friend had been murdered. He couldn't let her get onto the platform alone, even if he waited outside in an alley. Couldn't and wouldn't, so he'd shown up. Only two minutes before the train rolled in and without Niles, Josie or Teddy -though they all wanted to come along and say hi- and still tense enough to feel his muscles straining as he stood still. It'd been worth it, really, to see the relief on her face and be there to catch her when she came running. She was a good kid, sweet and smart, and she deserved to have someone waiting for her. He wasn't a blood brother or a parent, but he tried hard to be anything she needed. Wouldn't even consider leaving her alone.

"Yes, it's me," he called out, leaving his shoes by the door and hanging up his coat. He'd picked up a few last ingredients for the dinner he'd be making for Christmas. The apartment was small and crowded, with Tilly in his old room, Josie in Niles' old one, Cass and Niles transfiguring the couches into beds to sleep in the living room, Teddy bursting in more often than not... Lyall sometimes dropped by, occasionally brought Rhia along, and JJ and her brother were starting to join in as well. Cass had told all but Teddy to halt on the visiting for a while, while Tilly was here, so she could meet them one by one and in her own time. Teddy she already knew, and while she knew Josie less than that, the other woman was bright and happy and worked long hours at the Three Broomsticks. They would've met on Hogsmeade weekends, Cass asked her to send along packages from there. Especially the wolfsbane every month. Christmas, however, would be spent with all the ones that lived in the apartment and Teddy. Lyall and Rhia had their own pack and JJ and her brother were still in touch with their human family. Cass still wanted to make it special. Venison stew, which he was apt at making -especially in the winter- with deer he hunted himself, and chocolate cake for dessert. He wanted to make it special. He'd also found some good cider. "How would you feel about helping me cook on Christmas? Niles and Teddy are awful at it and Josie has work all day."

Walking into the living room, he spotted the small girl under a blanket on the floor. Smiling gently, he came over and sat beside her. The fire was warm, she seemed calm enough. Good, he wanted her to feel comfortable. This was her home, as long as she wanted it. So he reached out, a hand gently going to the side of her head, and pressed his lips briefly to the top of her head. He was a very tactile person and he was maybe instinctually close to her. A pup, sweet and in his care. A child, really, and he tended to... how did Niles put it? Ah, mother everyone in his care. Tilly needed someone to be gentle and caring with her anyway, he figured. Always, but especially now.

It was the oddest but most relieving sensation to have Cass pick her up on Platform 9 ¾ when she had come home for the holidays. She had told him a million times he didn’t need to - she knew what kind of risk that was for both of them, and she didn’t want him to take it for her. But he had insisted, and he had made the topic sound final after she told him in several letters that it was okay and she could meet him somewhere else. Cass wouldn’t have any of it. It gave her a warm feeling, knowing there was someone who cared enough about her to insist on waiting there for her even when it was a danger. She couldn’t remember the last time someone like that had done something like that for her - probably when Nick had closed his shop to help her avoid Ministry patrols. It was a risk for him to do that, and she was merely a stranger at that point, but he knew she was in danger. How much more must Cass care for her?

While she had insisted so many times that Cass didn’t need to get her, she had never been more relieved to see him when she had gotten off of the train. She had run to him as fast as she could, trying to prevent tears from falling because she was so relieved to see someone she cared so much about. After she had lost Kit...well, she had lost the only person within those castle walls who had cared about her and who she had cared about as well. She didn’t know if she had suffered such a great loss since she lost her family, and she recognized the familiar, debilitating ache it brought to her chest. To see Cass, to see Niles, to come home...it meant the world to her.

Matilda instantly relaxed when Cass announced his presence. Her instincts and response times had been steadily improving since living with them. She knew instantly to be on guard when the door opened, and she learned to hear the footsteps of who it was. As soon as she realized it was safe, that it was Cass or Niles or Josie or Teddy, she was able to relax again. She gave a smile but forced smile as Cass came over and sat beside her - it had been hard to smile too much since losing Kit. She leaned into him when he kissed her head and rested her head on his chest. She could hear the steady beat of his heart in his chest, and it was a comforting sound. “Sure, I’ll help cook,” she said. “My mother and sister taught me some when I was younger. Hopefully I’ll remember some of it.” It sounded nice...having Christmas dinner here. She hadn’t had that since her parents were alive.

In a way, Cassian understood that what Benton had demanded of him in order to be part of his pack, for safety, was too much. He hadn't thought twice about it at the time, though. Leave behind all family and human relations, never get too close to a human ever again. They are not to be trusted, they are not to be kept around lest they discover your secret. He hadn't had any qualms about leaving his family -he'd never been close to his mother, she was practically a stranger and the only living family he had- or his home -that was the place his father had suffered in, the place he'd found the man hanging- or any human friends. To this day, he'd almost never had issues in cutting all ties with humans at all. Fernando had been something else and even though he knew that he was wrong in going back to him, that he was playing with fire, he could not stay away. After a lot of thinking and berating himself, however, he'd decided that Fernando was not a threat. He was dedicated to werwolf rights and, even then, he didn't know what Cassian was. These were tough rules to follow and he expected all his pups to at least try to follow them. Niles did; he only saw his parents about once a month and he wasn't close to them anyway. Teddy didn't, but Teddy was technically Alex's pup, even if he stayed with Cassian more often than not. Tilly... had a lot of human acquaintances. He couldn't say that it didn't discomfort him, because it did. At the same time, it wouldn't be fair to ask her to cut off all ties all at once. If she was at school, it was fine, but Cassian needed to know where she was. For safety reasons, for paranoid reasons, but he did. Even now, he tried to always have her leave the house with either him or Niles and if it wasn't possible, he needed to know whereabouts she would be and what time she would be back. He couldn't breathe, otherwise.

"If not, you can learn all over again. My parents never taught me to cook and neither did my sire, I taught myself. I'll teach you." He squeezed Tilly's shoulder slightly, arm wrapped around her tightly. She was a fragile little thing, but she had been through a lot. She had survived a lot. She was brave and she was strong, but she shouldn't have had to be. He wished he could find out who had bitten her; he'd never been one to hunt down other werewolves for their mismanagement of biting accidents, it happened too often to place any true blame on anyone, but he just couldn't figure out how one would leave a child alone in such a state. They remembered everything they did on those nights, when they woke. Someone must know what they had done and made the conscious decision to leave her to flounder alone. It was despicable, in his eyes. "Come, we should get started." Slowly, he got to his feet, taking her with him. He made sure her sweater was wrapped tight around her and then led her over to the kitchen. His mothering tendencies really came out with the younger children, he admitted it freely. Besides, the apartment may not have been cold due to the magic in it, but the contrast between sitting by the fire and going to the kitchen by the front door was somewhat tangible. Magical people rarely caught colds, but it wouldn't do to catch one during Christmas of all times. "Would you like to go anywhere, the rest of the break? Maybe visit a faire or a museum together? I'm sure Niles and Teddy will want to come. It could be a pack outing. We can also go to the muggle movies, if you like, or the theatre." They weren't being hunted down anymore, even if he acted like it. One outing, together, for once, wouldn't hurt anyone. It could be a nice thing.

Matilda still didn’t know how she had come to call this place home. It felt like something that she had watched from distance, like she was seeing a film of another person’s life instead of her own. Home wasn’t a luxury she had enjoyed since before her parents had been killed. She had a home then… Her parents, her siblings, she had everything. And then all of it had been ripped away so quickly. She had it, and then she didn’t. And now, she had a home again. It had felt so long…

Sometimes paranoia took over. She worried she would lose this place too, lose everyone she had come to love her, Cass and Niles and Teddy and Josie… Sometimes she woke in the night crying, fearing it had all been a dream and she was actually destined for some terrible fate. Sometimes she had nightmares of losing it. Sometimes there were nights where all she wanted was to find Cass and cry for all that she had lost and all that she still could lose, but she was even afraid of that. Nightmares about Kit were running rampant...she didn’t know what to do.

With Cass’s hand on her shoulder, she wasn’t afraid of losing him or losing this home. It was such a grounding feeling. She stood when he helped bring her to her feet, and a part of her wanted to cling onto him, but she forced herself to let go. She was shaking just a bit. “Okay…” she said, following Cass to the kitchen. It occurred to her a few moments later that he had asked her something, but she was starting to get lost in her thoughts, the pain that had seized her chest so many times recently coming back. She stumbled for words. “W-What? You said go somewhere?” she asked.

If only in my dreams

Tilly

- maybe a warm sweater -

    Tilly was recovering from a long time of being alone. That sort of solitude for a werewolf meant paranoia and pain and cold and hunger, she was far too young to have experienced all of that. Dear, sweet little pup, who deserved so much better than to be stuck alone with her condition in this hostile world. That was why he would do his best to make her feel like a normal kid again. It was true that she couldn't have her human family, that her senses were still too sharp and that the moon would bring pain with it soon enough, but for now they could pretend. Christmas was a time for family, and pack was family. They looked after each other and did their best to make things good. This was his responsibility, in a way. He was the designated adult in this apartment, even if they were all of age.

    "Yes, Tilly. Somewhere like an outing. Maybe to a muggle place or the theatre? Something fun, something different for all of us. It's going to be Christmas." He smiled patiently, looking her over. She was shaking slightly, and it was probably not the cold since it was quite toasty in the apartment.  Tilly still had to get used to being here, really, subconsciously. It would take a while, he didn't blame her at all. It had taken him a long time to get completely used to the idea of belonging in a larger pack, even if he truly did feel happy and comfortable with them. Being alone -or with a small number- was a hard habit to shake when it came to one's survival. So he reached out gently and placed a hand on her shoulder, pulling her closer to his side as he turned back to look into their small kitchen. Well, he was large and few people fit in here while he was cooking. Niles never did, but Tilly was small and could probably sneak around him. Or she could just sit on the counter with a mug of tea while he worked, that was fine too. "What would you like to make? Dinner... something homely? A roast chicken, maybe, or two. We all eat a lot, after all."

    Chuckling, he moved her to a counter and hoisted her up onto it, waving his wand to set the kettle. From a cupboard, he grabbed a jar of their tea leaves and the tea pot. Setting it down along with two mugs, he patted her knee and smiled. "How about making us some tea while I get everything ready?"

a baking wolf, who ever saw the like

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Matilda knew it was hard for them not to treat her like a kicked puppy. She was skittish and afraid of them still despite the fact that they gave her no reason to be. She knew sometimes Cass and Niles tiptoed around her, looked at her like she might snap at any moment. Could she really blame them? Merlin, she barely knew if she was going to snap or not. Most of the time, this place felt like a home. She didn’t have a reason to snap when she felt safe. But then everything else caught up with her… And then she felt like snapping.

She hadn’t yet. She didn’t want to. They didn’t deserve that. Cass and Niles had been nothing but good to her so far and she didn’t want to repay them with fear. They were her family right now. Her human family was…long gone. She didn’t even know what Melanie and Michael were up to now. She hoped they had moved on, that they finally stopped looking for her. They had lives that they should have gone on with, and she didn’t fit in their lives anymore. She knew if they found her, they would try to make her fit into whatever lives they had created. They would force her into a spot that didn’t exist. Or worse, they left space for her there and it was just going to remain empty. What if they found her one day? After all, the entire Hogwarts staff knew what she was, though none of them seemed to give a damn. They weren’t being oppressed any longer. She didn’t even know if she was registered at this point, but regardless, she hoped Michael and Melanie never found out.

Cass was her family now. The pack was her family now. She knew that. “That might be nice,” she said thoughtfully, though truthfully it made her nervous. She couldn’t remember the last time she had done something like that… It was probably with her family, but that felt like another lifetime altogether. She smiled a bit when he held her tighter and closer. She really didn’t like being touched much, but she found Cass’s touch comforted her. “Roast chicken sounds pretty nice,” she said. She smiled and actually laughed a little bit when Cass lifted her up and set her on the counter. The blanket around her shoulders almost flew off but she clung to it. “Tea sounds good,” she said. She reached for a teaspoon as he handed her the jar of tea leaves so he could allocate it. “I haven’t had anything like this in...a while,” she admitted.

if only in my dreams

@tilly

- MAYBE A WARM SWEATER -

    Tilly hadn't had a family in a long time, Cassian was aware of that and the problems it brought with it. Well, problems. Details, more like. He knew it would be difficult for her to get used to all this again. Being at home, having a family and all the things that came with it. Niles, Cassian, the pack. But he knew that she was trying and that was what mattered, he would never want to overwhelm or smother her. He knew that he could, on occasion, be too much. Too protective, too territorial, too fussy. He knew, it was in his nature and sometimes it got out of hand. It was also hard to apologise whenever that happened, he was only ever trying to do what he thought was best for all of them so it was... difficult. He would admit that but he could never bring himself to regret anything. He may regret the outcome if it hurt people's feelings, but he hadn't intended to. He never did.
    "Considering how much lycanthropes eat, I'll be making about two or three chickens." He laughed lightly, bringing Tilly a cup of tea once it was ready. Then he took out some of the leftover biscuits in a tin and set it beside her, open, and popped one in his mouth. "I know, and that's okay. You need time to get used to everything, you don't need to push yourself."
    Smiling, he patted one of her knees and started taking out all the ingredients for dinner. He liked cooking and he liked cooking for other people even more. Like gardening, it was something he'd started doing as a chore back in his teenage years. He'd always enjoyed it, though, so it was no hardship. Like now- was it a lot of work? Definitely, but he'd gladly do it because the entire family profited from it. Yeah, he said it. Family. "Now, what do you want for Christmas? And none of those I don't need anything shpiels, Niles tries to give those to me every year. How about something you can take to school with you? To make you feel more... I don't know, comfortable, to remind you of home?"

I don't really have anything to say here

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