Days Go By

@caerus | Outfit

Days like these weren't all that unfamiliar anymore. LJ had a habit of hiding from people as much as he could. Most of the time it was just easier. He had followed Sera into the woods earlier, and now he knew that it was almost curfew, and that he was never going to make it back to the Tower before curfew, but he was the Head Boy, and if he got caught, he was just going to tell them that he was doing rounds or something. No one was going to come patrolling the Quidditch pitch anyway. It was too far out, and it was Scotland, in January, no one in their right mind was actually going to be out here this close to curfew… Luckily for him, some days he had decided it was easier to believe that he wasn't in his right mind. That way the things that he did could be explained by simply telling people that he was an alchemist, and that it had rattled his mind. It was far from true, unfortunately, he was sure that he was quite sane. It was just a matter of not wanting to actually have anything to do with most people. A good majority of them simply irritated him, and he would have liked nothing better than to never step foot in that castle again. That castle on the hill was nothing more than a reminder, and he couldn't help hating it.

Maybe hate was a strong word. There were days when he thought that it sounded like it might fit though. Days when he wasn't sure that there was any real reason not to hate the place. He knew that he left a lot of the minor details of things to Truly, and that wasn't all that fair, but he didn't care. They had made him Head Boy out of some sort of guilt or something, or because his father had been the Minister… He didn't know. But he did know that so long as his team kept winning at Quidditch, this was where he was going to want to be. This was where he was going to keep coming to get away from everything. It was a safe space, a space where no one that didn't know him was going to interrupt him. LJ couldn't be asked to solve problems out here, he wasn't going to go around and fix whatever it was that they were trying to figure out, if he was sitting out here. He could claim that he was working on plays, that he was trying to figure out how they were going to win their next match, but he wasn't positive that anyone was going to believe him. He thought that it was just simpler to say nothing at all.

Not talking had pretty much been his M.O. since the beginning of the school year. Unless someone spoke to him first, or unless there was some sort of relationship there prior to before, he didn't initiate conversation. Except with Sera. But Sera had been the exception to a lot of rules. Other than that, there were just the people that he called family that he actively talked to. Anyone else was rather forced conversation that didn't really matter to anyone after it was over. Reaching down to rub Gotti behind his ear LJ turned over his shoulder in his seat. He had heard something, footsteps, maybe? But it was freezing out here, and it was late enough he figured that there probably weren't too many people wandering about for the fun of it. Whomever it was, was probably out here for a reason, and if it was Garnet, she was probably out here to lecture him about something. He thought that that was pretty much the go to for him not exactly following rules to the letter these days, but LJ didn't think that it was going to be the end of the world if he wasn't back in his bed… Even by breakfast. It would have been a lot simpler to just transfigure his jeans into trousers, and head to class in the morning than trek all the way back upstairs after all. But what did he know? Looking around his eyes landed on who he was and he shook his head with a smirk, "Well at least you're not Garnet come to nag… Unless she sent you to nag… Tell me that's not the case."

DAYS GO BY

OUTFIT

Caerus knew that he hadn't been the best friend to LJ this year. He was his best friend, really, but he admittedly didn't know how to deal with this sort of thing. He hadn't ever lost someone the way that LJ had. His mother was still alive. His father was still alive. Caerus just didn't have experience with loss, and that meant that he didn't quite know how he was supposed to help LJ. He wanted to. He wanted his friend to be doing all right, and coping and all that. He wanted him to be moving forward with his life, and he certainly wanted him to know that he was there for him. But there was just no easy way of saying something like that. They weren't the type of people that talked all that much about their feelings, or the type that said corny shit like 'I'm here for you.' He just had to hope that LJ knew that he was here, if he needed anything. He was well aware that the wound was still fresh. It would be a year-in a couple of months, it would be a year since his mother had died. It already had been a year since he'd lost his father. But he thought that losing his mum had been the harder loss. At least, from what he knew about LJ's real father.

He couldn't say that he knew all that much, but he thought that losing his mum had been the harder loss on his friend. It would be the one that would be the real challenge, and he didn't think that it helped that it was so close to the end of the year-so close to NEWTs, and graduating. Caerus didn't personally know what he wanted to do after Hogwarts, and he didn't know if LJ did either. But he did know that NEWT scores were important, and he wanted good marks on all of his exams, so that he didn't close any doors to opportunities that he might want in the future. He might not have a damn clue what he wanted to do, but he wanted those options to be there. It meant doing well on his NEWTs, when they came around. He had to make sure that LJ got through them too. He didn't know if he would be too distracted when that time of year came along, but there was also always a possibility that he would throw himself more into studying to distract himself. Caerus honestly didn't think that would be a bad thing. It would be good, probably. It would give him something else to focus on.

And it would make sure that no opportunities were closed to him either. Caerus didn't know what LJ wanted to do, but he did know that tanking his NEWTs wouldn't help him. So when they came around, Caerus had to make sure that they both got through them. He could do that much, at least, even if he didn't know how to help him with anything else. He didn't know enough about loss to really help. He could try-and he did, but that wasn't something that LJ talked to him about. But his friend did seem to have Sera, which was… something. It wasn't something that he had expected, but he thought that they were good for each other. Even if they were just friends for now, or whatever. He thought it was pretty obvious that there was something more there, even if they didn't see it. And LJ seemed happier when he was around Sera, which he certainly considered to be a good thing. He was glad that his cousin could help his friend, when he couldn't. At least he knew that he was talking to someone.

If there was a way to help, he would. But he wasn't pushy when it came to that sort of thing, and it honestly did seem like Sera was helping. He wasn't going to pry and push the point when he had someone to talk to. And his family too. It wasn't like LJ was in it alone, so Caerus knew that there were other people making up for what he couldn't help with. For now, though, he thought that showing up at the Quidditch Pitch was something that he could do. He'd seen LJ come down in this direction earlier with Sera, but she was back and he wasn't. Curfew was approaching, and he didn't care. He wasn't on patrol, and wasn't going to take points from his friend even if he was. He just figured there was a good chance that he was here. And as he headed further into the pitch, he saw that he was right. "When do I ever nag? You know me better than that." He answered, shaking his head. He considered curfew to be more of a suggestion anyhow, particularly now that they were seventh years and of age. It wasn't like they could leave, so what was the worst that they could do?

He liked being alone. Well, LJ supposed that that wasn't really true. He didn't like being alone, but he liked silence. It was the silence that he wanted more than being by himself. He thought that was part of the reason why he liked being around Sera so much. She was quiet, and there was no need to try and fill the air with conversation that neither one of them saw the need for. That, and the fact that she was from the after. He didn't quite know when he had started breaking it up like that, but he had. There was the before, and there was the after. And everyone that had known him before had that look about them. It was on their faces, it was in their eyes. They were worried about him, and they looked at him like he was the kid that's ma had gotten hit by a bus. And he was. Ma had been hit by a bus, and killed, and they had managed to save Orion, but not her. He didn't think that there was really any way to handle that that would have been deemed appropriate. None of them had done all that swell of a job. Though Nick seemed to be doing the best.

LJ wasn't naïve, he knew that it still had to be hard on his brother. But he had done the best. He hadn't run away like Ana had. He hadn't refused to be civil like LJ had. They were all dealing with this in their own ways, and he wasn't entirely convinced that any of them knew what in the hell they were doing. Because LJ was almost convinced that it wasn't going to get any easier. That this was just how it was now. That Ma was dead. And Dad had remarried, and it wasn't that he didn't want him to be happy, or anything like that. He just didn't know what to think. He didn't know what to blame it on, other than really shitty timing. Ondřej had really shitty timing. More than anything though, more than the fact that he didn't want to go back there, LJ just really didn't want to be here. He didn't want to be at Hogwarts. It was a constant reminder of what he had lost. It was a constant, glaring, sign that she was gone. That she wasn't sitting at the Head Table. He hadn't known Hogwarts without her, and he thought that that put him in a position that his brother and sister couldn't understand.

Because she had been there. And he knew that. She had been there to watch the both of them go through Hogwarts. And she hadn't seen Ana graduate last year. She hadn't seen her walk across that stage, but none of them had. When she had died, neither one of them had gone back to school. Dad had been Minister, and he had gotten Lady Yaxley to agree that they could be homeschooled for the rest of the year. They had finished that, and then Ana had disappeared. And LJ had had to deal with the fact that Issa had come back when she had. That she had gotten to come into that house, into their lives, and he had just had to accept it. It hadn't been like he hadn't escaped. Having Anicka, and mainly having Philip, right next door had helped. He knew that he wouldn't have gotten much of anywhere if he hadn't had that sort of escape. He hadn't left his room for weeks, and then when he had, it had been to disappear over there and avoid the house altogether.

Only to end up sent back here, to the reminder that his ma was dead. To the reminder that things would never really be the same again. He was rubbing Gotti behind the ear when he heard the footsteps, and he was glad that it was his friend, and not anyone else. He knew that there were plenty of people that talked. They talked about the shadow that followed him around in the shape of the Rottweiler, they talked about the fact that he didn't talk. And that when he did it was to take points off of some little first and second years for doing something foolish. They talked about everything, and LJ thought that if they were going to talk about him, they might as well talk about something decent. He could have at least given them something to talk about. The fact that he was slightly off his rocker, and out here in the middle of January thinking about flying, just to see if the wind really did feel like blades pulling across his skin… He thought that it would be bitter cold, but it might do him some good. It was late enough, no one was going to know what he was doing anyway. "True." He conceded with a nod. "It's all more like guidelines than actual rules after all…"

days go by
Tag: lj	787 words

Caerus didn’t have much to complain about, as far as his life went. It had been pretty good as of late. Not for his entire life, of course. But those problems felt long in the past now. When the work camp had been made, his father had been sent there. They had had to leave their family home, where he had spent the first seven years of his life. Moving to Knockturn Alley… that just wasn’t where he thought that they were supposed to be, even that young. He’d had to share a room with Ophion, and his father had to go to the work camp every day. And it had been hard. It hadn’t been easy for him or any of them to have lost everything. But he knew that they were luckier than some others were. His uncle hadn’t been charged, and they’d had family money from his mum’s side since the Greengrasses were… a little more neutral. Before too long they had at least been able to get out of Knockturn Alley with the help of the rest of their family, but it wasn’t the same as having their home back. But they had it back now, and he knew that their struggles were just not nearly as bad as other people’s were. It was why he tried to be there for LJ, even if he didn’t know exactly how. He just knew that it had to be… indescribably awful to lose his mum the way that he had. It was awful and something that he might not ever fully be over. He didn’t think that people just got past that sort of thing, It was something that stuck with them and not something that they just got over in a year or two. And he honestly didn’t know how to help. He knew that LJ had other people to talk to. He didn’t necessarily need his help. He had his family, he had Sera, and he didn’t have to talk to him about his problems if he didn’t want to. But he also knew that sometimes family wasn’t the best answer. Sometimes it was hard to talk to someone that was the close to the issue themselves and they were all impacted by the losses they’d sustained in the past year. He did know that he was close to Sera, and so as long as he was talking to someone then Caerus wasn’t going to push or anything like that. He just didn’t really think that was a necessary thing to do as long as he was okay. And as long as he knew that he could talk to him if he wanted to. He thought that it would probably be easier now that the holidays were over anyhow. That couldn’t have been easy, but now the spring just might be all right. Until April anyhow. That wasn’t going to be all that easy either, and he hoped that he was all right to finish off the school year and didn’t get too off focus. He’d need to focus on his NEWTs and graduation and all that. And he knew that LJ wanted to leave school with the Quidditch Cup victory as well, if they could pull it off. He didn’t know if they actually could, since it would likely be against U-Jin who was the best seeker in the school. They had beaten Slytherin before but that didn’t mean that they were going to again. But they would have plenty of time to focus on all of that. He wasn’t going to get too caught up in it before they needed to. He wanted to win--he knew that they all did, but there was definitely going to be some steep competition as the matches started up again. Everyone on their team, and every time really, took Quidditch seriously. Almost everyone, at least. Some people, in his opinion, bogged themselves down with too many other extracurricular activities which he thought was ridiculous. Caerus was in three clubs, and he was a… sporadic attendee of meetings because Quidditch was more important. But some people were just not like that, apparently. It was idiotic, but he couldn’t tell them that they were in too many clubs. And neither could LJ--well, he could try at least. But it hadn’t gotten to that point. The fact of the matter was, there were some people that did not take Quidditch seriously enough in his opinion. “Exactly. Tell me why it matters when we’re in our beds when we’re technically adults, and not able to get off the grounds? What’s the worst that could happen?” There was only so much trouble that they could really get into.

Days Go
By

He wouldn’t go so far as to say that he hated the company, but LJ liked the moments when there wasn’t anyone else around. Or at least no one that was going to ask him questions over and over again. No one really bothered him all that much. They tended to ask the more mundane questions of Truly, and he thought that that was probably on purpose. He wasn’t one to think that anyone really paid him all that much mind, but yet, he knew that everyone tended to think whatever it was that they were thinking and not really ask for the truth. The thought that he was isolated, and alone, and angry at the world, or really who even knew what they thought… But what LJ did know was that very few people had actually bothered to ask. There were barely a handful of people that had actually talked to him enough to know what was going on in his head. And partially that was his fault too. He knew that he wasn’t going out of his way to be nice, and kind, and whatever else it was that they thought that he needed to be.

LJ was well aware of the fact that they had made him Head Boy because his father had been the Minister. He was plenty conscious of the fact that while he might have earned being a prefect, and quidditch captain, being Head Boy had been handed to him. And honestly, it was probably a smart move, just because it had meant that he hadn’t put up a fuss about coming back. Hogwarts was the last place that LJ wanted to be. He didn’t want the constant reminders of his mother. Of the one person that had been a constant in his life besides his brother, and the one person that he was never going to see again. Aunt Anička believed in God, and heaven and all of that, but LJ wasn’t entirely sure that he did. He didn’t think that she was just up there somewhere watching over all of them. He wasn’t convinced that it worked like that. And he thought that really no one could blame him. Believing that there were people up there watching over all of them wasn’t the easiest thing to do when so much crappy stuff had happened. And not just to him. He knew that his cousins had had that too.

His aunt… Merlin he didn’t know how she believed in all of that. But in the end, he thought that it was just something that he couldn’t wrap his head around. And he didn’t really have anybody that he wanted to talk that through with either. It wasn’t like talking to Sera. It wasn’t even like writing to Nick or talking to Caerus. There was just something about that entire situation that made it harder and harder to focus on what exactly that meant. It made it harder to move on. And sometimes that was all that he wanted to do. Sometimes he just wanted to sit up here at the top of the pitch and watch the stars. And listen to the silence. He liked that. He liked that sense of not being exactly sure what it was that he was going to do but knowing that it didn’t matter because no one was going to be out here to tell him he couldn’t. He liked thinking that they all knew to leave him alone. And it was better that way. So, when he had heard footsteps, LJ hadn’t been sure what to think.

Seeing Caerus though, he supposed that he should have known that his best friend would be the one person to come and hunt him down. Because it was January, and it was cold, and he knew that he probably did need to go inside at some point, but right now, sitting out here in the cold, and the wind, it was easier to face everything. Out here there were no walls that knew him. No paintings to ask him if he was okay. There was no one that worried about him, and he didn’t like knowing that people were worrying. Even if those were the people that were painted on canvas. Out here Ma could be alive. Everyone could be alive. And happy, and no one had to worry about what was going on in the rest of the world. Out here could be a lie that wouldn’t hold up inside. “It doesn’t.” He shrugged a little bit at the idea. “There’s nothing that’s going to come out here and eat us, we’re not going to blow the place up. It’s fine… Nothing horrible is going to happen, unless we get drunk and plummet to our deaths or something. But I don’t think that’s going to happen…”

@ caerus - 808 - lasimir's outfit

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