What Hurts

The Most

Nothing prepared you for that. There was nothing that really readied you for the call that your child was in the hospital. And Anička didn’t think that she would have ever been prepared for that in her life. She had thought that there could be nothing worse than when they had told her that Constance had been taken. That she was going to have to try and resign herself to the fact that she might not see her little girl again. But they had gotten Constance back. She had insisted that she go with Dimitri that night. She was not going to let him go and get her daughter without her. But this was different. This was not something that she had been ready for. But the call had come, and she had come here, without waiting for an answer. Without waiting for anyone to tell her what was going on, she had come to the hospital. She had taken the twins to her mother and she had come to find her eldest daughter.

Because before anything else, she would be their matka first. She would always be their matka. And Ella was, Ella. Anička had become a matka for the first time when that little girl had come into being. She had been so scared, and so sure that she was going to make a mess of all of this. But then Ella had been born, and they had handed her that tiny baby, and she had known that she could do this. She had known that this was the job that she had been born to do. She could be a journalist, and she could be a princess, and she could do everything else that her life had panned out to be. But this, being a matka, that was the most important thing of all. And her little girl was sick. She was so worried about her, she was worried that everything had been going too well. This was it. This was the other shoe. Her dcera was in the hospital, but she wasn’t the only one that Anička was worried about.

Elliot was here, and he was holding it together for Ella, but she was worried about him too. He didn’t look like he felt the best, and he was dealing with a loss just as much as her daughter was. Brushing the hair back from her daughter’s forehead, Anička kissed her head softly, and then stepped back to let her sleep. Deciding that, for the moment, the best thing to do would be to try and give them a little space she headed for the coffee cart in the hall. “Two cups of tea…” She didn’t even really like tea, but she thought that Elliot could use some. With no idea what he wanted in it, she grabbed a little bit of everything to take back with her. For all she knew, she wasn’t supposed to have food or drinks in this ward at all, but no one had really tried to stop her. If it was too much of a problem, she thought she’d just find a way to sneak something else in. “And two of those sandwiches, please.”

Her son-in-law could use it. She was sure of that. And when she came back into the doorway of Ella’s room she smiled a little sadly as he took in the sight of him sitting there. She knew that look. The one that said that there was nothing that he could do, but that he wanted to do something. Just to stop himself from falling apart inside. Stepping lightly across the room Anička put her own cup of tea, and both sandwiches down on the table and moved to his side. Laying a hand on Elliot’s shoulder she moved the cup she was still holding to where he could see it. “Here. You look like you could use this.” Her voice was barely more than a whisper, but it carried plenty in the empty room. “Have you eaten today?” She doubted that he had, but she knew that he needed to. He was sick too, she could tell by looking at him, and what had happened today couldn’t have made things easier on him.

Elliot Lochlan MacGuffin - 708 - anička's outfit

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was being
so close

❧

Everything had turned into a nightmare and all Elliot could do was blame himself.

He had been the one to bring home the sickness and to infect Ella. He had been the one that hadn’t gotten her to the hospital in time. It was his fault that they were here…it was his fault that she was here…lying in bed, looking like a broken doll. All of it…all of it was his fault.

It was a tightrope of emotions. On one end of the line was dread. Being here caused him to dread what was coming next. Would the Healers come in and say that he was losing Ella, too? Would they come in and take everything from him in one fatal swoop? On the other end of the line was fear. Being here made him feel like he was suffocating. And yet, he knew he couldn’t leave. This was the only place that it made sense for him to be. Right here, his fingers entwined with Ella’s as she slept soundly. Maybe she could finally get some rest. Maybe he could…

Elliot somehow doubted it. He hadn’t been able to close his eyes for more than a few seconds since everything had happened.

He’d owled his sister a few hours ago, letting her know that he was here. If anything, he just wanted someone to know. He wanted Lucy to know. Maybe she would come…sit with him for a few hours. Merlin knew the only thing he wanted right now was to be alone, but the only thing he needed was to not be alone.

At that moment, he heard the door open but didn’t move. It wasn’t until he felt a hand on his shoulder that he realized Nika was in the room and speaking to him. Ella’s mother was a constant in their lives and for that, Elliot would always be grateful. As he sat there, watching her enter the room with arms full of food, he wondered just how he had managed to survive his entire life without Matka. Truth be told, Elliot never truly was without her. He and Ella had grown up as the best of friends and her mother was always just a shout away with snacks or good advice. Today, however, Elliot needed her for more than that.

This was never a situation that he had expected to be in. How could Elliot have possibly predicted that things would take a turn for the worst? How could he have possibly known that his and Ella’s plans at starting a family would align in such a way with Epidemic X? He knew that he couldn’t. But right now, that rational part of his brain seemed to be failing. Elliot blamed no one but himself. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have possibly thought that this was a good idea? “Eaten?” It wasn’t a strange question, Elliot paused to remind himself. Eating was something that one had to do every day – it was how the human body derived energy. It was how you continued on, even past the limits you thought of yourself. But Elliot hadn’t eaten. Not since last night. He didn’t want to eat – every time he tried anything other than coffee, he felt as if he was going to be sick.

The tea would be fine. He could stomach that, he thought. His voice was quiet when he managed to speak, though it took a few seconds to coax the words out. “Thank you,” she seemed to know that there was more going on underneath the surface, but he was thankful at least for the thought. “I haven’t had much of an appetite.” He gave Ella’s hand a gentle squeeze and let go for a moment – the first time in a few hours – so he could sip the drink that her mother had brought him. The liquid felt like acid in his empty stomach.

@ matka | 656 | Outfit

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what hurst the most

was being so close

and never knowing, what could have been

There had been a lot of moments in her life where Anička thought that she had been scared. She thought that there were moments that she was never going to forget. Finding Constance in that warehouse. Realizing the truth about what had happened to Temperance all those years ago. This call about Ella… It shouldn’t have mattered, it shouldn’t have made a difference which one of them it was, but it was Ella. Ella was her eldest, her first baby, and she was the one that was in the hospital. She was the one that had miscarried her own baby. She was the one that they were going to have to try and comfort through all of this. But she wasn’t the only one that Anička was concerned about. She didn’t think that Elliot had left her dcera’s bedside the entire time that they had been here. That was noble, and loving, but she knew that he needed to take care of himself too. He didn’t look like he felt the best either, and she didn’t want to lose either one of them.

She hadn’t cried for her dcera yet. She would. Merlin knew that when she got home later tonight Anička was going to cry. She would stand in the shower, and cry for Ella, for Elliot, for the baby that they had lost. She would cry for all of them. But not yet. Not when she had something else to worry about now. He was more important than her own emotions. And her dcera was asleep. Something that was probably for the best right now. Anička had never lost one. She didn’t know what that was going to feel like, but she knew that she could be supportive. She knew that she would be there for both of them to lean on. Because taking care of them was her job. She was their matka. Things had been going too well. Things had been easy, and she dared to say almost happy. They had been happy, and now things were being ripped from them again. They were cursed, she would almost swear it. That they weren’t going to get to be happy. But the man that she would have blamed for such a curse was dead.

Part of her knew that she needed to tell Josef about Ella. That he needed to know that she was in the hospital. But Anička thought that that could wait. There was no need to alarm Matylda, and she knew that her sister-in-law was more likely to actually have a reaction to that news than her bratr was. Telling him was a courtesy, and she knew that she didn’t really have to. But she thought that it was better not to talk about telling him in the first place. No one would really understand why she thought that that was necessary, and Anička knew perfectly well what her husband thought of her bratr. She didn’t blame him. She was terrified of Josef most of the time. But something like this meant that she needed to pull it together and say something. Maybe she would see if she could get Matka to say something. That might even work better, then she wouldn’t have to talk to him at all.

“Yes, eaten…” She had a feeling that he hadn’t, not since the night before. But she thought that he was going to need something. Nodding when he thanked her she brushed the hair off of his forehead as she looked at him. Checking for a temperature with her fingertips as she brushed off the motherly gesture. “You need to eat. You have to take care of yourself if you want to help take care of her.” Even if it was just crackers, he needed to get something in his system. “Believe me, I know how hard it is to eat when you feel, when you know, you’re going to be sick.” She had spent half of the last year throwing up food every time that it had gone into her stomach, but she knew that it had been worth it in the end. “Start with the tea, we’ll get you some crackers or something…” Her words hung in the air, but Anička made no move to leave the room again. They would get the crackers, but she wanted to talk to him first. To let him know she wasn’t going anywhere if he needed her.

@ elliot • 740 • anička's outfit

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

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what hurts the most

[attr="class","reasonsmall2"]And never knowin' what could've been And not seein' that lovin' you Is what I was trying to do

[attr="class","reasonbod2"]As he took another drink of the warm tea, Elliot wondered if food would ever taste right again. It felt as if there was something stuck in his mouth…some taste that he couldn’t swallow. Some acid that seemed to creep into even his spit. He suddenly felt as if he was going to be sick. It was as if momentarily letting go of Ella’s hand had given his brain the permission it needed to begin processing the horrific circumstance that had befallen them. With a startling quickness, the cup was placed onto the table next to him and Elliot paused, his eyes wide as he stared down at it.

They had lost their baby.

His son or daughter.

They were gone.

Elliot wasn’t even sure that he was processing the information as he should have been because, in truth, this was the first time that it had hit him in such a way. This was the first time that he had felt the pit in his stomach feel as if it was going to swallow up every memory of happiness and leave only never-ending pain.

It had been his fault; he’d pushed Ella into having children and then this…horrible thing had happened to them. What did it all mean? Were they cursed? Was he to blame? He felt like he was. Elliot MacGuffin felt like he had caused all of this. He should have known…he should have protected her.

Because she had always been the one to protect him. It was Ella who sat at the foot of his bed when he had been bedridden at St. Mungo’s all those years ago. It was Ella that kept his spirits high when it seemed as if there was nothing left to reach for. And he had…caused this in return.

They would never know if it was to be a boy or a girl. They would never have a chance to name it or baptize it. It…their child…was gone.

Pulling him out from his own thoughts was Nika’s voice. She seemed to be coaxing him back to reality. Though only a few seconds had passed, Elliot felt like he had aged years. Shaking his head, he drew the cup into his trembling hands once again and pressed it to his lips. It still tasted the same: like bile. But, Ella’s mother was right – of course, she was right.

He knew that Nika was trying to care for them both. It wouldn’t do any good if he ran himself into the ground with worry. If he didn’t eat or take care of himself, he wouldn’t be able to lift a finger to help Ella when the time came. And the time would come.

“Thank you,” he said again. It was all that he could manage. Elliot’s eyes didn’t even sting with tears. They hadn’t for some time. He wasn’t sure that he had any tears left to give. “The tea…it helps.” He wasn’t talking about the tea, in truth. He was talking about the company. The woman that stood next to him – Ella’s mother – she made him feel better. She made him feel as if the whole world wouldn’t collapse as they stood there.

And then, he tried to smile. It was barely a ghost of what had once been; lacking feeling and emotion, but he tried. “You should sit. You’ve been…running around since….” Elliot did not finish his sentence. It was still too fresh to say out loud. Instead, he simply pulled out the chair next to Ella’s bed that he had occupied for some time and offered it to his mother-in-law.

[attr="class","reasontag2"]@ match | 602 | OUTFIT

[attr="class","cred2"]MADE BY VEL OF WW + ADOX 2.0

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WHAT HURST THE MOST

WAS BEING SO CLOSE

AND NEVER KNOWING, WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN

Fear was a familiar feeling. She was used to feeling scared. And she hated that that was the truth, but it was something that she had nearly become immune to. There were things that should have been terrifying, that she could just brush to the side, because there were some things that were just so bad, they warped your sense of terrible. Anička hated that that was the truth, but there was no other way around it. She thought that that was simply how it had turned out. There were things that were horrible, and there were things that they couldn’t do anything about. And this? This was both.

There was nothing that prepared you for that feeling of fear. Of knowing that your child, this living, breathing, extension of your heart, was hurt, or sick, or dying? Anička couldn’t let herself think that Ella was dying, but she was asleep. She was hurt, badly, and there was nothing that she could do. She was not a healer. Ella was. Ella was the healer. She was the one that would have known what to do right now. If roles had been reversed. If it had been Anička laying in this bed, Ella would have been better at comforting. Her siblings, her grandmother, Malcolm. She would have done a better job.

But Anička knew that she had to try. She had to do this. For Ella.

She had to be here, she had to take care of Elliot. Because this was not his fault. She didn’t need to read minds to think about what her son-in-law would be doing. She would blame herself too. In a way, she did. She carried a guilt that she couldn’t give voice to. One that she knew that her daughter suspected, but one that she could never say.

This was a pain that Anička had never felt. She had no way to empathize with the man that was next to her now. She could only hope that just being here was enough to help him. That just sitting with him, so that he knew that he wasn’t alone. More than anything, that was what she wanted him to know. That he wasn’t alone. That he didn’t have to do any of this by himself.

They had lost something irreplaceable, and Anička didn’t know that she would have been holding up that well. She had no idea if she would be able to hold herself together if Ella never woke up again… She had to wake up again. The last thing that she wanted to do was write to Josef. But it was times like these when it was necessary. It was times like these when she knew that she had to. There were things that he needed to know. And not just because it was Ella. But because who Ella was. She was third in line to their monarchy. She wouldn’t have been surprised if a letter to her bratr didn’t involve guards being sent for the room.

She thought that sounded like him. But until that happened, she thought that they would just have to exist like this. “I’m glad.” She knew that he would have had to actually drink the tea for it to help, but Anička thought that it was something. This was all steps in the right direction now. That was what they had to focus on. They had to focus on the things that were going to help. The things that were going to make a difference. The tiny witch laid her hand on her son-in-law’s arm as she looked up at him. He was even taller than Malcolm, and in any other situation, the difference might have been comical.

“I’m…” But before she could get the words out, he had pulled the chair out for her, and Anička was hard pressed not to take it. Honestly, she didn’t know when she had sat down last. Or even when she had slept. Not since the day before yesterday, at least. Not since Lida had woken her in the middle of the night yesterday. But she knew that Elliot had to have been even worse… “Elliot…” She didn’t know how to offer, but she wanted to. “I know you’re a healer too, and you’re probably going to say this is a bad choice…” Reaching in her pocket she pulled the vial out and held it up. “Mix this with that tea, and you’ll feel better.” It was the reason that she wasn’t tired. It was the reason that she knew for a fact it was possible to stay awake for seven and a half days, and not have any lasting side effects…

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