Here behind the wall
I feel so small
Breathing but not perceiving

@clio

This had been ridiculous for long enough. So much of the first part of the school year he had spent avoiding his sister’s best friend — which really made absolutely no sense. No friend of Vi’s had ever been this moody and taciturn in his presence, going so far as to even avoid Vi when he was around. Maybe he was asking too much to be liked by her — there was no reason for her to do so, they hardly knew each other — but he could not understand why she was feeling so... inimical towards him. He had never given her any reason to. All he could think of was that Vi had told her stuff about him that had convinced her he was insufferable. But he knew his sister and… no, he couldn’t picture Vi saying anything that could be interpreted as a reason to hate him.

Up until Halloween he had been ready to live with his sister’s best friend’s aversion to him. It wasn’t like they had to spend too much time together, if any at all. They could co-exist within the walls of Hogwarts. There was enough room for both of them. If only… He had a lot of stuff to worry about: his parents not being honest with them; his father having lost his magic; him certainly failing the majority of his subjects. So why did his thoughts return again and again to a random girl not liking him? He had been annoyed about himself, but he hadn’t really sought for an answer. Until that stupid ball. It wasn’t as awful as last year, at least he didn’t suspect the teachers any longer of having murdered his mum, but it had still been during a ball like this when a student had been mutilated by the man who they had to call Headmaster. Well… not anymore apparently, which was… good, he supposed? But coming one and a half year after the incident? Yeah, he could see that the Ministry really cared about the students’ safety.

So, he hadn’t exactly been expecting to enjoy the Halloween ball. And he hadn’t. But he had walked over to Vi, and Clio had been there too, though one of the few things he knew about her was that she also disliked these events. This might have been some common ground for them but… But! He had already seen her with something other than her school robes on during the summer holidays, in a club though, with the light been dimmed, and he had been mostly concerned with watching Vi, and if there had been anything weird, he would have attributed it all to the alcohol. But at the Halloween Ball he had been sober. Yet, all his brain had managed to grasp was that Clio wore a short dress. And he wanted to look at her. But he didn’t want to. Because she didn’t like him. He didn’t want to give her more reason not to like him. But. But but but.

Instead of wondering about her antipathy, he kept now thinking of her looks. More and more. He hardly could talk to Vi anymore without trying to make her talk about Clio and… she had to know what was going on. And this was embarrassing. What if Vi told her? And then Clio’d get angry and… There was no way around it, he had to talk to her. Like a reasonable adult that he was supposed to be. Talk to her and ask her to explain to him what about him repelled her this much, and once they had figured things out, maybe he’d be able to move on.

He wished his heart wasn’t beating this fast as he fought his way through the long line of students swarming the corridors while he went to the Charms class room out of which the sixth years were now streaming. He craned his neck. Why did she have to be so awfully small? He couldn't —  no, there she was. He pressed his lips together. Okay, now it was too late to chicken out. He just had to go over and say…

“Hi!” Urgh, why did he have to sound so breathless? And he really should look her in the eyes. On a more positive note, he wasn’t getting red (or at least redder) yet. This was an improvement. Sort of. “Could I… talk to you? In private? Just for… er…”

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[attr="class","chocolate"]

[attr="class","sprinkles"]

[attr="class","orange"]prisoner

[attr="class","vanilla"]Here behind the wall I feel so small

[attr="class","gummies"]She and Apollo were at least talking to each other, now, for Alis's sake, but that hadn't stopped Charms from constantly being a tiptoe along the line of acceptable behavior from both of them. Not that she was annoyed, really, that Alis was happy. She was thrilled that he was happy. But Apollo had a way of getting under her skin like nobody else could, and she had spent a great deal of Charms attempting to smile politely when they sat down before Octi and Alis did at their chosen seats-- and it had been nearly two seconds, of course, because she and Octi had walked together from their last class. But she was happy that Alis was happy. And he was. She could tell, even in class. It was kind of cute, in a sickening sort of way, especially since Clio really wanted to buckle down and focus on her work.

Besides, she was nearly rubbish at Charms. She felt like she had to work desperately just to get an average grade at it, and it had been with Copeland that she had really flourished. Charms, now, was harder for her. She took notes, she practiced... She still wasn't as good as she could be, or as good as she wanted to be. But it was possible she was distracted again, wasn't it? Because she was getting distracted very, very easily. Vi actually found it funny, now, that Clio would blush red when Arthur was mentioned. And then, blush easily recognized, she would glower furiously at her friend. It was even worse, really, that she knew Arthur didn't like her. At all.

How could he, anyway? She wasn't particularly sweet and warm, she was awkward and furious and prickly. She didn't socialize much, unless it was with Vi and the boys, and she got into fights quite often. She was weird, she was cold, and she wasn't dainty. And when she was in one of her moods, she was miserable. Clio was of the mind that Arthur deserved a pretty, sweet girl, one who had matching clothes and kind eyes-- and not her weird outfits and constant frown. She had almost told that to Vi, but decided against it. It seemed intrusive, to tell her friend what her brother might like, so she had instead informed Octi of the fact.

And she was distracted again. Clio frowned down at her notes, furious as she scribbled down the homework. She needed to focus, damn it. She wasn't a fifth year anymore, at least, but classes were getting harder. She was studying for N.E.W.Ts. But, with most everyone sick, she was of the mind that her N.E.W.Ts might not even matter. She could get into the Harpies if they ran out of people! Of course, her mum would still want some strong grades, and she really had forgotten most of the things they had talked about regarding turning vinegar to wine. Crud. Clio was going to have to bother Octi to help her review it later. They were supposed to attempt it practically the next class, and she would hate to be the only one not able to do the charm-- especially with Apollo sitting two seats away.

With the end of class, she very nearly launched herself out of her seat, gathering up all of her stuff as quickly as she could. Her bag slung over her shoulder, she fiddled with her bangs as they exited the classroom. "Octi," she started, linking her arm with his. "Can we set aside time to go over that much later?" And just as she finished her question, she felt her words trail off as another question was posed in her direction. Arthur. Her first thought was that something was wrong with Vi, if only because she assumed that Arthur wouldn't ever want to speak to her in another circumstance. Then, she assumed that he had meant Octi-- he was a mild summer day, after all. Everyone was friends with Octi. But no, it was her. Arthur wanted to talk to her.

Her heart skipped a beat, for a moment, as she looked up at him. She was used to being the shortest one of her friends; Octi, Dario, Alis, and Apollo (though only by association, damn it), were all rather tall. Octi was the shortest, after all, and was still a full seven inches taller than her. "Erm. Yeah, sure," she responded, attempting to seem far less flustered than she certainly looked. The damn conversation hadn't started and she was already putting her foot in her mouth. She stepped to the side, waiting for Arthur to choose a spot to talk, and she felt her cheeks turning hotter as the seconds passed.

[attr="class","cherries"]# Arthur Stroud   | # 783 | # oh shoot here we go

[attr="class","credz"]♕fai

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What he was going to say was… was… Mere seconds ago he had known how he would start that conversation. He had thought about it in advance. He had prepared himself, prepared himself to a ridiculous degree for a conversation with his sister’s friend. This wasn’t that difficult. Not difficult at all. Who was he kidding? Now that he was before her, everything he had intended to say sounded stupid or accusatory or self-indulgent or… it just all sounded wrong. He should have asked Vi’s opinion. “Hey, how do I best ask your friend why she hates me?” No, that would have been pointless. Vi refused to believe that Clio hated him. He couldn’t understand why she didn't want to see what was so blatantly obvious. Her argument was nothing but “if she hated you, she’d long have picked a fight with you” — which was not valid at all. Clio was obviously and clearly avoiding him, and that had to be because she knew he’d anger her if they were too long near each other. And he was ready to bet that she didn’t want to fight him to spare Vi the stress.

But how long could such a strategy work? As long as he didn’t know what exactly bothered her this horribly about him, he couldn’t say for sure whether she’d not suddenly snap. And that would upset his sister, which had to be avoided, no matter the cost. It was this common basis, the need to keep trouble away from Vi, that he hoped would help him have a reasonable conversation with the girl. But… how? Why did all the sentences he had planned to say sound off? He had managed to ask her to talk with him, so that should mean step one successfully completed. She now could say either yes, no, or something rude. Three options that he had thought he was prepared for. So, this was not a failure yet, right? Just… he had managed to interrupt her right in the middle of a conversation with her friend, the one who had also been out drinking with them, the Octopus-boy or whatever his name was. The one everybody, even Clio, loved. Oh, well, he hated him. Not that he had ever been aware of that before, but right now, in this moment, Arthur wished the other boy were anywhere but here. Of course, she didn’t want to talk to him while she was talking to her friend. Someone she liked. Loved? Stop, Arthur, stop, he repeated to himself. That’s none of your business. He wanted nothing from Clio but know why she loathed him. For Vi’s sake. Nothing else should matter to him. Vi was the only common denominator the two of them had. The only reason why they would ever be in each other’s company. He was only here because of Vi. He had to focus on that.

His request, it… it had worked? At least she hadn’t cursed him or anything or… she had stepped away from her friend and… okay, she was turning red. She was angry. That was less… she didn’t look angry, though, more… it didn’t matter what she looked like. Vi. This was about Vi. Just think that this conversation was for Vi’s peace of mind, as little as she appreciated it. “The… entrance to the Clock Tower is right over… it should be quiet there,” he suggested, pointing out the first best place nearby he could think of that was also somewhat sheltered from the Scottish winter weather. Maybe he’d have just suggested looking for an empty classroom or some niche or… the way to the Clock Tower had never seemed longer to him than on this afternoon. He was leading the way… or he wasn’t? She knew where they were going, so no need to show the way and it felt awkward to be ahead of her. But it felt also awkward being next to her. Or worse, behind. And…

Somehow, after painfully long hours (or about a minute, but he hadn’t paid attention to his watch, so hours felt about right) of walking, they finally reached their destination, and Arthur slumped against the next best wall as if he had just been through some serious physical exertion. But there was still this conversation that was definitely too late to back out of; it'd look more awkward than anything that could happen now while talking. “Hi,” he repeated. “Hi” was a stupid word, why hadn’t he noticed it before? Or did it just sound stupid when he said it? “You… probably know why I thought that… we should talk.” That didn’t sound too bad. Maybe he should have mentioned Vi, for clarity’s sake. That all he wanted was for them to be able to coexist. She did look up at him as if his meaning wasn’t as clear as he had thought. This was awkward, especially as he had to look down so- “Em, do we want to sit down?” he added hastily, motioning towards the steps leading up into the tower.

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[attr="class","vanilla"]here behind the wall i feel so small

[attr="class","gummies"]She was, quite honestly, sending herself into a full blown panic. Clio knew that she needed to calm down, but she couldn't make herself. She was freaking out, and she didn't understand why. Well, she knew why, but it didn't mean that she liked it. This whole... emotions business. Not only was she bad at it, but she also hated how she was feeling. It was making her so much squishier than normal, if that could be said right. Squishy. That almost seemed to be the right word. She was so used to being harder, less prone to blushing and paying attention to people other than her friends. She kept trying to locate where it started, and why, and she really just couldn't. It had just ran up on her, all of a sudden, and kept prodding until it was at the forefront of her mind. And it was prodding at her, causing red blushes and distraction during class.

It was a positive and negative all at once. No, scratch that. Since Arthur hated her, it was a negative. And since she couldn't get over him hating her, it was a negative. And she was sure Vi and Octi were getting a bit exhausted with her acting all blushy and furious all at once. Prickly Clio, they could deal with. She didn't blame them. She felt like she was being a nightmare. She was confused, she was frustrated, and she was an overemotional tomato. It was about to get worse, too, because clearly Arthur was here to tell her that she was being rude and obnoxious and... Well, she didn't know what he was about to say. She couldn't always assume the worst.

It just had to be that. It had to be that. He was likely going to say that she was being horrid. That she was a bad friend to Vi-- which wasn't true, of course. Or else something was wrong with Vi, and that was even worse. And what was she supposed to say? She needed Octi or Alis here. They were so much better at talking to the people that they liked, damn it. She was clearly a wreck at it, and he didn't even like her. Her face was getting even redder as she followed Arthur towards the entrance to the Clock Tower, unable to even say anything in response to his suggestion. Was he mad? She couldn't really tell, staring at his back like she was. At least he wasn't facing her. She was sure that her face was about to explode. Deep breaths, deep breaths... She tried to cool herself down, to keep from blushing too much. At least she was a bit tanner, that could help. She felt a bit less red when they finally came to a stop, and she couldn't help but look confused as she stared up at him.

She crossed her arm and cocked her hip as Arthur leaned against the wall, trying to figure out what was going on. Why did he seem to think she would already know? "Hi. Um, what?" Right. Still not the best way to start a conversation. She berated herself in her head for being an idiot, and then tried again. "Talk about what? Is Vi okay?" Shit. She rubbed at her neck awkwardly, then lowered her eyes. Making eye contact was politer, but she really couldn't do it without blushing like an idiot. "Right, sure, sitting. Um. Okay." And then she led the way to the stairs, plopping down before anything else awkward could happen. "Is Vi okay? Did something else happen to your mum?"

[attr="class","cherries"]# Arthur Stroud   | # 602 | # yayyy

[attr="class","credz"]♕fai

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She would hardly look at him, apparently she hated the sight of him too much. But she was also decidedly red by now so that it almost seemed like she was blushing — which was nonsense. Suppressed anger, that was what it had to be. What made sense. Why, out of all the people on the planet, had this girl decided she hated him? Nobody else did. The two of them even agreed on important stuff and still — here she was, not able to hide how she loathed his presence. And it hurt. Right now, for the first time, he found that it hurt. He hadn’t understood her hatred before and been ashamed for it, but never before had he felt how much it hurt. She would never smile at him. Ever. And if he’d sell his soul for it.

Why couldn’t these stupid feelings just go and leave him alone? Then he wouldn’t be here, trying the impossible. It did go somewhat better than expected, though. She did seem willing to listen to him. He had imagined she’d be impatient, openly hate to be near him, try to finish the talk as soon as possible. But… her behaviour wasn’t like that. She was… uncomfortable? She did avoid to look at him, yet, he couldn’t pinpoint what about her had told him she hated him. But it had been there! It had to still be there! He was just too blind to see. This was not the time to overthink things. “Yeah, Vi, yes,” he said hesitantly. Something about her formulation was wrong. They were about to discuss how to best coexist without hurting Vi, obviously, but she sounded as if Vi was in trouble now. She knew something about his sister he didn’t know?

She had sat down before he had completely registered what she was about to do. For a moment, he thought about sitting down on the stairs on the other side of the entrance, but then they’d be ridiculously far apart for talking. So… sitting next to her. Why hadn’t he noticed before that the stairs were relatively narrow? They both fitted into the space but… He breathed deeply and went to take the place beside her, careful to keep some space between them even though his right arm was now touching the cold wall. On the plus side, he didn’t have to look at her anymore but could stare ahead. He could — maybe should — turn around and face her while talking, but then she’d be so close. Not that she wasn’t close already, but while he didn’t see her, he could pretend they were sitting further apart. “No,” he said, taken aback by her assumption, then adding with more vehemence, “No! Not at all. Everything’s fine. Vi’s fine. Mum’s- all- don’t-” She thought he had come to her to talk about family problems? That… okay, that made sense? How? Oh, well, maybe it did with how weird everything still was with their parents. And Vi got and answered all those whiny letters from Dad that he didn’t even look at anymore. His family was dysfunctional enough by now for Clio to make such an assumption. Just… why should he come to her, someone who hated him? Just maybe if Vi were really in trouble… luckily she wasn’t. Vi was as always. And she should stay that way. That was why he was having this conversation, to learn how he could win Clio’s… acceptance. That was all he could — and should — hope for.

He had to be more explicit. And he had been so convinced she’d automatically understand him. It had all seemed so simple and logical to him. “No, what I meant-” Deep breath. He had prepared this. He could say all of this. Just keep calm and pretend you’re alone and rehearsing the conversation. Why else had he rehearsed it if not exactly for this situation. “Look, you’re Vi’s friend and… you’ve helped her. Loads. Last year. And, Merlin, she really needed it, and I know I didn’t… Point is, I admire…” Don’t blush, don’t blush! “-what you did for her and I’m really… thankful. So-” Didn’t he have a shorter, more succinct version of this? It sounded so awkward. “I don’t know what I did to make you feel the way you feel about me. Whatever it was, it was not my intention and I’m sorry, really sorry.” He just wished he knew why she hated him, then his words might not sound that empty. “But it… time has passed and… because you’re so close to Vi and I… I think we should find a way to- what I want to say-” How often had he said something like that by now? “If you could put aside your… feelings, I’d like for us to… to get along. For Vi’s sake.”

---

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[attr="class","vanilla"]here behind the wall i feel so small

[attr="class","gummies"]This really wasn't going well, was it? She didn't even know what the conversation was supposed to entail-- Clio could assume that she was wrong, with how Arthur seemed to be confused. But that wasn't making the situation any better. While she was thrilled that Vi was fine, she was also concerned that something else was happening. And she didn't know what it was. There was really only one thing that could have happened. She had tried to keep her crush under wraps. She had thought she was pretty good at it, too. The list of people who knew... Well, it was very slim. Octi, Alis, Vi... Maybe Apollo. But would he have said something? He did dislike her. He hated her. But she couldn't see him going out, breaking Alisander's trust, to make her life a living hell. Maybe someone else found out, someone else told... But Clio didn't have very many friends. And now... Well, she was glad for it.

She was a bit miffed that she could possibly have wound up in that sort of situation. She was sitting on the stairs with the boy she liked, and he was sitting as far away from her as possible. She stole a look, watched as he made sure there was more than enough distance between them. Clio wanted to close the gap-- no, that was being ridiculous. He didn't have the time of day for her. He was going to tell her off. He was going to tell her that she was being stupid, that she was too mean and too stupid and too... He wasn't even looking at her damn it. Why wasn't he looking at her? What did she do wrong?

"Everything's fine?" she questioned, shifting slightly--slightly!-- to face Arthur. He didn't want to look at her, that was fine. But she was going to try and be more involved. Try to keep herself from brushing a ridiculous amount. Which, of course, she was still doing. At least it was more of a confused blush than anything. Tamer, easier to control. As long as she didn't think of how nice he smelled, and as long as she kept herself from getting upset that she was sitting next to him and he wouldn't look at her. He didn't want to talk to her at the Halloween Ball. He hadn't wanted to even be near her at the club-- and she had smiled. Smiled. Clio didn't smile. Vi knew that. Octi knew that. Alis knew that. She didn't smile, and she had tried, she had tried so hard. And he still hated her.

Since Vi was fine, she had to be right. Someone told him. Someone had to have told. Someone had to have mentioned that she liked him, that was the only reason, that was it. Someone had mentioned that she liked him, and he was uncomfortable. That was the only reason they were even talking. She was going to have to shut her mouth, try to move on, try to... She was working herself up so much she could barely keep up with what Arthur was saying.

Oh.

Being right hurt a lot more than she would have guessed.

It wasn't his intention. Her blush was back in full fury, and Clio looked down at her feet. She didn't shrink on a normal day. She took up space. But now, she felt more than a bit withered. She felt shrunken. She was stronger than this, wasn't she? She didn't cry over boys. She was stronger than that-- she cried over lost Quidditch games. Missing friends. Not boys. Not a boy that she liked (very much) telling her to set her feelings aside. She could do that, if she needed to. For Vi. And if it would make Arthur more comfortable, she... She could try. "Who told you?" she asked, her voice barely above a mumble. "Was it Apollo? I'll punch him. What's he on about, telling people my business?" She was furious, now. She was actually mad. Why was someone going around and telling people who she liked?

"I didn't... I'm sorry... I didn't think..." Fuck. "I'll stop... It's just a crush, I didn't mean to be..." Okay. For Vi's sake, he had said. She would do pretty much anything for Vi. Everyone really knew that. But this? She knew Vi was annoyed, but not bothered. So it was bothering Arthur. "Shit. Sorry, I'll... I'll go. I'm sorry."

[attr="class","cherries"]# Arthur Stroud   | # 743 | # missing the mark & hitting the nail on the head all at once

[attr="class","credz"]♕fai

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He had thought he had chosen his words well. She’d understand because it was obvious that he could only mean one thing. They’d be near each other, she’d hate it, they’d talk about it, maybe, just maybe, they’d solve whatever was the problem. It was all he had hoped for. But she wasn’t understanding. She was caring about Vi, about their family, and being an all around wonderful person and- she still hated him and he was an idiot to forget it for even a second only because it wasn’t obvious at the moment. “Everything,” he repeated. He hadn’t meant to upset her, not like this, for his presence would naturally be uncomfortable for her with how she couldn’t stand him. But if he had known that his words would extra-distress her… he wished he could take back whatever it was that he had said wrong. Why did he have to be hurting her and never realise what he could do to prevent it?

“N-nobody told me,” he said, confused. Which one of those sixth years was Apollo again and why should he be punched? “I never talked to Apollo, certainly not about you. I mean… it’s… obvious? How could I not have noticed?” She was talking very lowly, but there was some of the anger in her voice that he knew was directed at him. And yet, why would she mind that he knew she hated him? It wasn’t like she had ever kept it a secret and just not outright voiced her dislike because of Vi. It made no sense and it was far too hard anyway to think straight with her right next to him. It had to be his imagination, but it felt like the side of him that wasn’t pressed against the icy wall was burning from her body heat, hardly letting him think. He didn’t know anymore whether he was hot or cold and nothing she said made sense and added up to how this conversation should go. He still had no clue what he had done to make her hate him though this was why he had asked her to talk to him. When had the conversation gone so far off its tracks?

Crush? What was she talking about? Why was she mentioning a crush? He hadn’t said anything… Vi! They were talking about Vi, so of course she meant she had a crush on Vi. And now thought he disapproved! Not that… oh, why was the first emotion he felt disappointment, bitter disappointment? It wasn’t like he had ever been as disillusioned as to think the two of them could be a couple. There was no point why he should feel so… She loved Vi. Just more — differently from — than he thought. And that was fine. Of course it was. It was just… just… why was it always Vi? He had long accepted that their parents doted more on her than on him, or at least his father did and she had more in common with Mum, so of course they also she spent more time with than he did. But he had never suspected that… It was wrong to be jealous of his sister. So wrong. He should be happy for her. Admittedly, from what he had seen and judging from what he knew about her (which was a lot, she was his twin after all), he was relatively convinced that Vi didn’t see Clio as anything else but a very dear friend. So... Clio was unhappily in love, and she thought that Vi had ordered him to tell her to stop — which she of course hadn’t. He wouldn’t bear a grudge. No. Clio was now suffering because of what he had said, so he had to fix his mistake, not Vi's, his. He couldn’t make Vi fall in love with Clio, which was what he should want, as he wanted her to be happy, but he could still… still… he didn’t know what he could do. But he… he… loved… — no, he wasn’t allowed to think that, not now that he knew how Clio felt — he cared about Clio. He wanted her to be happy, and he didn’t want to be heartbroken because she preferred his sister. He wanted the best for her though in this moment it made him feel like he had drunk a bottle of acid. Because of course she did. He had been a fool to ever start having feelings for her. It was only good that he was faced with the truth. He’d learn to let go and support her wherever he could.

She moved as if about to go, and the pain in her voice made him shudder. All because he was an idiot. “Wait, no!” He instinctively turned around and touched her arm to keep her back, immediately letting go again when he realised what he had done but looking in her face now, too shocked by her expression to look away. “I’m, no, that’s not what I meant! I… I had no idea that… I… you got it all wrong. I don’t mind that you love Vi. Not at all. And if she is bothered by it, she didn’t tell me. I’m sorry, I assumed-” He had assumed she hated him. But maybe it had just been that he was reminding her of Vi, and as she had to hide her grief in front of her friend, she showed it towards him. Yes, that must have been it. “I don’t know why I thought this is about me. Of course, you love Vi. And that’s… I’m happy for… I’m sorry if Vi doesn’t return your feelings and I can’t… make her-” Vi was an idiot not to love her back and- no, he wouldn't think badly about his sister just because- this wasn’t Vi’s fault. He was not allowed to blame her. “If there’s anything I can do for you…” He’d start to cry. He’d cry because someone had a crush on his sister. Just because stupid, stupid him had a crush on this someone. He wouldn’t cry. He was better than that. He’d do what he could to help, no matter how much it hurt. “You’re a great person, Clio. I… really…” Say something nice. Something that makes her feel better. “Don’t let yourself… you’re…” No, didn’t look like he’d be able of saying anything supportive. He hated himself. “Things’ll work out,” he finished lamely.

---

Words: 1079 (Oops)

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[attr="class","chocolate"]

[attr="class","sprinkles"]

[attr="class","orange"]prisoner

[attr="class","vanilla"]here behind the wall i feel so small

[attr="class","gummies"]This was a disaster. An unmitigated, hopeless disaster. To be fair, she could have assumed so from the start. She didn't know what was going on-- how could it have gotten this confusing? From the moment she had taken a step away from Alis and Octi, things had gotten more and more out of place. She felt like she needed a buffer, right now. Not that she wanted one, not truly, until the last five seconds. She had been nervous to be sitting so close to Arthur, nervous to hear what they were going to talk about, but she thought that she could ultimately handle it. At first, the worst that could happen was that she would die from nervousness or embarrassment. Now, she was nearly certain she was going to die from the latter. If Octi was there, things would have been easier. She could honestly imagine him smoothing things over, making sure that things would make sense. He would have been a calming presence, especially now that hot tears were pricking at her eyes.

Arthur Stroud knew that she liked him, and not only did he not feel the same, he wanted her to stop, to put aside her feelings so that things could move forward. For Vi's sake, he had said. For Vi's sake, they needed to keep things civil, and that meant Clio compartmentalizing. Her mother would have been furious-- she would see that as emotional stunting, and her opinion was that Clio was already emotionally stunted enough. But if... If it was for Vi. For Vi, she would do that. She would push things aside. She would pretend like she was okay. For Vi. And for Arthur, because she had made him uncomfortable. She hadn't even thought she was being obvious-- clearly, she was so blatant. Horribly blatant. She was mortified that she had hurt Arthur by it. She would have to forget the whole thing.

How stupid was she, thinking that something could even happen? Idiot. She shouldn't have assumed that anything would ever happen. Not once. Because what did they have in common, except for Vi? And, and... At least it wasn't Apollo, who told him. And then she hated herself more, for accusing Apollo, of all people. She shouldn't have accused Apollo. It was her fault-- Arthur himself had just said it. She was too obvious, she had made him uncomfortable...

She couldn't just sit there any more. She couldn't. She needed to go find Vi, or Octi, or Alis, or... Maybe she could just go hang around with Myrtle and cry in the bathroom. She couldn't sit there, right now, while Arthur was saying that he didn't like her, that she was so obvious about it, that... She pushed off the stairs, sniffing. No, she wasn't going to cry. She could make it far enough away that he wouldn't see. Why was this the one day that she wasn't getting that nagging, future feeling? And then Arthur was there, gently trying to get her to turn around. She didn't want to, she didn't want to, but she listened. She didn't know why she was paying attention to him. Clio should have just gone, stormed off.

"What?" she stammered out, the hurt look on her face instantly morphing to confusion. The tears managed to stay back, so shocked that she was. Liking Vi? She didn't-- she loved Vi, of course, but they weren't... She didn't like Vi like that. She loved Vi like a best friend. She didn't have any sort of romantic feelings for her, not one bit. What had given him that sort of idea? "You think I love Vi?"

It just kept getting odder and odder, and Clio... She didn't even know what to say anymore. Because clearly-- very clearly-- she had been wrong in what was going on the entire time. What had given him the idea that she liked Vi? That they went to every dance together? That was out of sheer stubbornness-- though she and Octi had gone together to others, of course. Because they were around each other all of the time? She kept running scenarios in her head, staring at him in confusion, and the tears were still there, still present... Things will work out?

"I don't have a crush on Vi," she said emphatically, shaking her head. Gods. With how convoluted the whole conversation had gotten, she felt like she had to explain it out-- because she really, really had no clue as to what was going on anymore. She couldn't figure it out. "I have a crush on you, you dolt." Not... Not the best way to say that, but she was getting frustrated, and she was getting confused, and... What the hell? He probably already hated her-- because what was the original conversation even about? So she might as well spit it out. She had already resigned herself to her fate. She still felt deflated, and she stood, awkwardly, trying to judge what was going to happen next.

[attr="class","cherries"]# Arthur Stroud   | # 837 | # we mAY have gotten to actual communication!!!

[attr="class","credz"]♕fai

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There were tears in her eyes. He had avoided looking at her as long as he could until she had got up and he had needed — wanted? — to keep her back. Now, he was seeing her face properly for the first time from up close, and she looked like she'd start to cry any moment. Because of him. He had thought Clio Jones didn’t cry. All he had heard about her was how tough she was. How she never backed down. How had he of all people managed to reduce her to such a state! It was because he had forced her to talk about Vi and to be confronted with all the pain of having to hide her feelings before her friend. He had forced her to talk about her innermost feelings in front of him, someone who reminded her of Vi and who would relay all she said to her — or that had to be what she was thinking. He had ruined one of his sister’s few friendships, proving once again that he was a horrible brother. And worse, far worse, he had sullied the feelings of the girl he loved. After what had happened today, how could she ever be near Clio again without fearing that he might have betrayed her? Instead of minimalizing his presence in her life — despite knowing this was exactly what she needed — he had made her be here and reveal her deepest emotions to him. If he truly loved her, he wouldn’t have thought only of himself. Yes, he had tried to convince himself that this was for Vi, but in the end hadn’t he just wanted not to be a bad brother? It had been about himself, about not having to feel bad. And it had also been because he had wanted to be near her, right? He hadn’t wanted to admit it to himself, but hadn’t he hoped for more than her acceptance? Yes, he had repeated it time and time again to himself that there was nothing more to be expected from her, but that she might tolerate him one day. But once she had admitted to loving Vi, his pain should have revealed the lie. He had wanted her to love him and to have his sister put before him… He could deal with it. He loved Clio, but he didn't deserve her, as she was so far better than he was. He'd try to make amends and put her feelings above everything else. He didn’t matter. She did. He’d talk to Vi, he’d-

Why did she look confused? Why did she sound confused? “Er… that… that’s… what you just said!” She… had, hadn’t she? She had mentioned a crush and… what… what had they been talking about? He had said that he’d like for her to stop hating him, for Vi’s sake, and then she had said it was because of her crush and… That hadn’t meant that her treatment of him was because of what she felt for Vi? But then a crush on who? He hadn’t said anything of anyone else, but now she looked as if she were about to cry and it was all because of him and… what else had he said wrong to make her feel like this? He didn’t want her to be sad, didn’t want to be the one who made her cry, but here he was, hurting her, and he suddenly hated himself more than anything else in the world. He was abhorrent.

All he had said until now had been wrong, and it was so obvious that she wanted to run away, and he didn’t know whether it wouldn’t be wisest to let her go, but, no, he couldn’t leave her like that, when this was what he had done. He didn’t know how, but he obviously had and was now with no idea how to mend things. This... was apparently not about Vi. So all the confusion and hurt he had been feeling only moments ago… they had been completely misdirected? But then what-

“What?” What? She- No. No no no. He had misheard that. She hadn’t said this. He was hallucinating. Hearing what he wanted to hear. Maybe some fifth year had smoked something here that lingered and was messing with their senses. She hadn’t — couldn’t — why was he even upset about it? It was so obviously not real. Maybe he was dreaming. That would explain the oddness of it all. He hadn’t went over to Charms to talk with her at all but was still sleeping in the library. It sounded more sensible than anything else he could think of. He pinched himself in the arm and blinked, half expecting to find his head on some heavy volume when he opened his eyes again. But he was still here, before Clio. “You don’t,” he said at last to break the silence. They were at a point by now where it couldn’t get much more absurd, and his brain refused to cooperate and find a meaningful interpretation of the ridiculous claim that his crush had a crush on him. “You’re confusing things,” he blurted. “You hate me. I have a crush on you.” He pointed from her to himself with every pronoun, her, himself, himself, her, as if he’d otherwise forget who was “I” and who “you”. He stopped speaking, still motioning towards her. And then he froze, his arm remaining outstretched. He hadn’t really said that, had he? The fuzzy feeling was gone all of a sudden and his last words resounded very clearly in his ears. Shit. What would she say? How react? What had he done!

---

Words: 951

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[attr="class","chocolate"]

[attr="class","sprinkles"]

[attr="class","orange"]prisoner

[attr="class","vanilla"]here behind the wall i feel so small

[attr="class","gummies"]She didn't cry. Clio just didn't cry. She had broken down only a few times in the past two years, and immediately after she had shrugged her shoulders and moved on. Those times were far more logical than this. When one of her muggleborn friends went missing, she had cried. When her sister and parents had gotten sick, she had cried-- and then been relieved that her brother had managed to stay healthy through it all. The only illogical time had been when she had sobbed over being disliked to Octi, and even then, she had gotten over it. She had squared her shoulders, she had sought out one of the Slytherin girls, and she had started a fight. It had felt good to get out her anger and emotions-- far better than crying did, anyway. But now, she was on the brink of tears again. Hot, mean tears. She wasn't sure she could recover from something like this. She didn't have too much experience on that front, nor did she think she would get there. What was she supposed to do? Just push down her emotions and pretend like everything was fine?

She just didn't know what to do. She hadn't been in a situation like this before. Sure, she had crushes on other people. But not like this, she didn't think. Hormones. Ugh. Now she was upset, and she was getting more and more confused. Because of that, the tears were ready to just burst out of her. No. No, she wasn't going to cry. She didn't cry. She pushed her fingers into fists, then released her hands. She was fine. If she kept saying it, it was going to be true. It was fine that Arthur didn't like her. It was fine! She would be fine. She... She would be fine. And she would, at some point, find where the thread of the conversation started. And she would know what was going on.

Clio wished that things would just make sense. She couldn't keep herself from crying if she didn't know what was going on. She thought she had found out what was happening. She thought that he was mad because she liked him, and she was being obvious. He had to have better options than a mean sixth year. He was cute, and he was nice, and she was sure that any of the seventh year girls would love to go out with him. And he probably wanted to go out with one of them, too, and she was just getting in the way. And then, she had lost the thread of the conversation, and all of a sudden he seemed to think she liked Vi, and then...

She had kept that thought so clenched tight that it felt rather odd to say it out loud. Sure, she had told three other people. But she knew that they would never tell a soul. They would rather keep their lips tight, their eyes shut. Nothing was going to get out. And then she had done it. Nearly moments after accusing Apollo, she had been the one to exclaim that she liked Arthur Stroud. Directly to him, too, so there was no doubt that he heard it. She was lucky her head hadn't exploded, and her heart felt like it was about to. She wasn't regretting doing so, quite yet, but she felt like it was going to happen any moment. Any moment, he was going to get back on track. He'd tell her she was being stupid. He would point out the age gap, the way that they were different, the fact that it would never happen between them. He would say it would hurt Vi's feelings to even think of something like that, and that she was only her friend because of the crush. She would lose her friend over this, she knew it.

But... He just seemed confused. Not angry. Confused. Maybe someone had Confounded him when she had turned around, but Clio thought she would have at least heard the spell as it whizzed past. He was confused, and he was quiet as he processed what she had just said. She thought she saw him pinch his arm-- but that couldn't have been it. Her cheeks burned bright red again. Great. She had ruined everything, like she had thought. Apparently, her clairvoyance was working today. She had thought that it had just decided to shut up and turn itself off for the moment. "What? I don't hate you! I very much do not hate you." she insisted, blinking rather suddenly at the accusation. She was so passionate in that response that it took her an extra moment to register what Arthur was saying to her, even with the emphasis and hand gestures.

He had a crush on her. Arthur Stroud had a crush on her. Arthur Stroud had a crush on her and thought that she hated him. What? What was going on? Had someone given him a galleon to say that? She didn't think he was the person to fall for that, especially when people knew how many fights she got into. At least she wasn't about to cry anymore. She was just... She didn't even know what she was feeling anymore. "You have a crush on me?" She knew that she sounded a bit confused, but she wanted clarification. Because that couldn't be right. He couldn't like her. He didn't like her. Why was he acting like she would have any reason to not like him? He was one of the few people she actually acted civil around. "Um. You do? Are you sure someone didn't spike your pumpkin juice?" It just didn't make sense in her head-- that she would like him, and he would like her back.

[attr="class","cherries"]# Arthur Stroud   | # 967 | # it took so much effort not to respond within ten minutes

[attr="class","credz"]♕fai

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