you from the cathedral
You were leaving me
And I saw from the cathedral
You could not see to see

outfit | Constance Leysa Mountbatten

Date: December 12th, 2017
Location: Krásné Začátky Estate, Nebe Poslal Zámeček

The moment Jules received his invitation - addressed to The Lord Bulstrode, like he needed a fucking reminder of what he was now more than ever -, he knew he had to do something. Something he had been dragging his feet to do, for more than one reason, something he didn't want to do. Apparently, as Lori and Mum made very clear, what he wanted didn't matter when the good of the family was concerned. Jules didn't....he didn't resent that. He loved his family more than anything. He'd kill and die for them. Nothing ranked above them, nothing. But shouldn't he be able to have something for himself? To love. Or at least to try and find it for himself? Sacrifices were necessaries, no one would understand it better than the child who ended up drying the ink on his own father's death sentence, but there was peace. He hadn't made any stupid choice, wasn't around fooling with some halfblood witch and shaming his family. But, apparently, him not making asinine choices wasn't the problem. Because someone was shaming their name and unfortunately it involved his girlfriend.

Had life been simple, it wouldn't have mattered. By this time next year, they would have been married and planning their own Yule revels, maybe even expecting a child. He had hoped, planned, dreamt about a future that might never come to pass now because of fucking politics. Fuck, he hated it. Hated that he couldn't just tell everyone to mind their own business, hated that his mother was right. Hated that even if she hadn't been, Jules would have caved because her disapproval was the thing he feared most in this world. Hated that she made this his decision. It would have been easier, had she ordered him. But no. Instead, she put it as his choice. His family against the witch he was so sure was the one. His responsibility against his wishes. Eleanor had even brought his father against him, something that, well. It had hurt him. A lot. Because both his mothers hated Thaddeus and for them to find Jules lacking compared to that monster of a man? That wasn't something Jules had expected from his mum, something he had thought her capable of. He had been so angry following that conversation, so lost and fucking pissed at everything. Wondering what was it like, to live a life with no expectations. Where being top of his class and a good son was enough and no one asked him to make personal sacrifices in order to further this or that agenda - shite he didn't even care about.

More than anything about him, Jules didn't want to hurt Constance. Ever. Especially now, though, when so many things were weighting down on her. She had so much on her plate and Jules was going to add more. He was going to upset her, he knew. She'd have received the invitation just like him and she'd expect them to go together. He was her boyfriend, after all, they were officially courting and both of them knew where they wanted to take this. Jules would have to let her down, to tell her they couldn't step into Lestrange Castle together. Whilst he hadn't made his disapproval hidden about her uncle's newest thing since the Sunset Ball, Constance was not her family and he never held it against her, their actions. But this was apparently bigger than him and his mother was plenty clear that she'd rather he didn't go at all if he was going to take a Mountbatten with him. Jules was tempted, so fucking tempted. But if he hoped for the Lord Lestrange to take him as an apprentice, he couldn't snub the man's wife like that. The Lord Bulstrode would have to go, no matter that he didn't want to. So here he was, standing at the entrance hall of a house he had been only once before - and even then briefly -, waiting for Constance to show so he could hurt her. Fucking hell, this whole situation sucked.

SAW

OUTFIT

December could be a stressful month. The Nutcracker was in full swing, and she was either at Avalon, at the Ministry, or sleeping these days. There wasn’t room for all that much else, and that would be the case until the Nutcracker ended. Constance had no problem with keeping busy—she enjoyed it, really, but there were other things that she would like to be doing, if she had more time. She knew that she was going to have to make it up to Jules eventually, because she hadn’t been able to see nearly as much of him as she wanted to, just because there were only so many hours in the day. But she knew that he understood that. He was busy too. He had school, and his spot in the Wizengamot, and being a snatcher of course. He understood keeping busy as well as she did, but she thought that she probably should have been making herself more available. Or something. This was just… an entirely difficult month for that, in more ways than one. It wasn’t just that she was busy, that she needed to keep busy… it was also a hard time of year for her, in particular. Because it had almost been a year. A year since she’d been kidnapped, a year since someone had tried to take her to get to her uncle, and she was still coping.

She was trying to, anyway. Sometimes she felt like she was absolutely fine, and other times she wasn’t so sure. She was getting through it, and she knew that she had been lucky. She knew that she was lucky to be alive, lucky that the man that had taken her had honestly… not been the smartest. She knew that. He had her, and then it seemed like he hadn’t even known what to do with her. He hadn’t wanted money. He hadn’t tried to get in contact with her family. He hadn’t done much of anything, and she didn’t know if he was smarter than he looked, and he just hadn’t had time for his plan to become clear to her or anyone else, or if he just honestly hadn’t known what to do once he had her. It hadn’t made it any easier for her to get past, not when she still had nightmares about him finding her trying to get out of her handcuffs—not when she could still hear the snap of bone when he’d broken her leg, not when she thought she could actually still feel that pain if she thought too much about it. But she was trying. She just thought that the next week or so was going to be difficult, and the best way to keep from thinking about that was to make use of the fact that she was just… busy.

Constance would make it up to Jules when the Nutcracker was over, and when it was January, and she didn’t have to think about him, and what had happened anymore. He was dead, he was long gone, and as of this point, it didn’t seem like anyone’s dislike of her uncle was going to lead them to kidnapping his nieces anymore. Or at least, that was the hope. Once they got through Christmas, once they got through the new year, she thought that everything would be okay for a little while. April was likely to be hard, particularly for Ella, and for LJ, and Nick, but until then, she thought that maybe they would actually have time for everything to normalize, just a little bit. They just had to get through this month. That was all. She had had a particularly long day—of the good variety, and she thought that she had just enough time to head down to the gym for some yoga, or something to help her try to unwind a little bit, so she had changed in her room once she had gotten home. She had been out the door and heading toward the stairs when she’d heard the quiet voice of the maid.

Jules was waiting downstairs. That was… unexpected, and for a moment, she glanced back toward her room. She should go change. She shouldn’t just waltz downstairs in shorts and a sports bra to see her boyfriend. That wasn’t exactly… appropriate. As much as she had wanted to… do more with Jules than she had, Constance knew that she was a princess, and a lady, and a pureblood, and there were irules in her family, about what a lady should or shouldn’t do before they were married. If she went downstairs in this, it would be the least amount of clothes she’d ever actually worn around him before—she didn’t know why that was the thought popping into her mind, but it was there nonetheless. But she really was about to go to yoga, and she had no idea if he planned on staying or if he was just stopping by for a couple of minutes. Changing and making him wait, only to change back into shorts and a sports bra to go to the gym in the basement was just a little… unnecessary. It wasn’t as if anyone was going to know anyhow. It wasn’t as if she was walking around in her underwear—they were shorts. Knowing that she had thought too much into this already, she headed down the stairs and smiled once she saw him. “Hey.” She said, coming to a stop in front of him. “Sorry I was just… on my way to the gym.” Constance added, gesturing in the general direction of the basement.

Jules was sure fate was out to get him. There could be no other reason for this to happening, really. After so long suffering, their kind had taken back power and he had been on cloud nine. Happy and carefree and finally able to focus on something other than keep his head down and not snapping to kill the first imbecile who opened their fucking mouths to say something about his mothers. Then he had found Constance and things couldn't be perfect. Except that, well. It all came crashing down like a castle of cards, when everything had been falling into place. And the threats had come from the inside, from those he had loved the most. Jules had never imagined his mother capable of hurting him in such way. And yet, she had, even if her intention had been exactly the opposite. Eleanor only ever wanted the best for him, she wanted him safe and cared for and living up to what he was born to be. He supposed it was unfair to think so but she likely did not care if he was happy if all of the above was reached. It was so unkind, of course his mother wanted him happy. But it seemed to be secondary to anything else, in her eyes, and he couldn't help but resent it. Jules resented a lot of things, these days.

Seeing Constance like this didn't help any, to make matters worse. She looked so at home, perfect body on display and refreshingly natural. Jules wondered how would it be to be allowed to see this everyday. Seeing her as she went about her daily routine, relaxed and at home. He wondered, despite knowing that this would pain him more than the ring he had gotten and now would likely not ever use, if in another life he would come up to her and hug her, kiss her neck and make a cheeky joke about giving her another sort of workout as she swatted him away, laughing, her wedding ring glinting on her fingers. Shit, don't think, don't think. It was naught but a pretty fantasy, one that one such as him shouldn't indulge. He didn't have the right, was no longer young and foolish as he had been before his mother snapped him back into reality - for the better or for the worse. Deep down, he knew that there would hardly be a future for them, even if Constance could find it in herself to forgive him for what he was about to do. Which, if he knew her, she wouldn't. Fuck, he wouldn't have forgiven himself so why should she? She deserved better, so much better than a man who couldn't make his own decisions, who couldn't fight for what he wanted or take control of his own life.

Despite the thoughts churning in his mind, Jules tries for a soft smile and doesn't let his eyes linger in the exposed skin, offering Constance the respect she deserves. Whilst he knows it's a feast for the eyes, it's not appropriate for either of them to even be in this situation - much less for him to indulge. "Hello, darling," he pushed a lock of her hair away from face. Merlin, she was so beautiful. He didn't think he'd ever not be in awe of her. "Well, I'm not one to complain, am I?" he laughed a bit, taking her hand and pressing a kiss on it. Never knew who was at home, after all, and he'd feel horrible kissing her knowing what he came here to do. "How are you, love?" Jules asked, drawing patterns with his thumb on the back of her hand, eyes drinking her in and memorising the way light shone in her eyes. It was so mesmerising and he could never truly capture it - in ink, paint or charcoal. He needed to burn the sight in his memory...just in case. "I'm sorry to interrupt your work out but we need to talk. Give me a few minutes?"

Constance had been unsure how this month was going to go. She had known that it was going to be hard. She had been preparing for that, but until it had happened, she wasn't sure exactly what to expect. November had been hard too. Honestly, it had just been a rough couple of months. She had a mixture of emotions that were complicated, which had started on the year anniversary of her father's death. That had been the start to what she knew would be a couple of very difficult months. Missing her father was a complicated thing these days. She knew what kind of man that he was now. That was something that she hadn't known when he was alive. She hadn't realized what kind of person that he was, or what he had done. That was the point. Her matka wouldn't have wanted them to know what the truth. No one had. But it had come out after he had died. She felt like she was just about the last to know, but that wasn't entirely unsurprising. Ella was the observant one, and Thea was older. Philip was the boy. She might have known before Temperance did, everyone else had already known. And it was just something that was difficult to adjust to.

She had hardly thought that her father was a saint. He was a Death Eater, and she knew what that meant, even if she didn't consider it bad like most of the world did. He favored Philip since he was the boy, but he was still her father. She hadn't thought that he was capable of… what he had done. It was something that she wouldn't have ever thought possible until she had learned the truth. It had made the anniversary of his death a complicated day. She didn't feel like she should miss him at all. She didn't feel like it was right to, or like she could. He wasn't the man that she thought he was, but he was still her father. How was that okay? It made it impossible for her to even know how she was supposed to feel, or what she was supposed to do. It had made that day hard, and it hadn't gotten easier since then. She had been trying to keep busy. That had been her solution. Ballet helped with that--ballet always helped. It was something that could pull all of her focus, and she needed that sometimes. The piano helped too. Something about playing the piano always made her feel… something. It was a difficult thing to explain, which was why she rarely played in front of anyone else.

It was just different than ballet. Throwing herself into that, letting everything go away and just focusing on ballet was easy. It made her feel the music, it made her feel whatever it was they were doing--like the Nutcracker, right now. For a while, it was everything that she was thinking about, and every little thing that had been on her mind could go away. With the piano, it was different. When she playing, she felt everything, but it was channeled into something and that made it… easier. It made her better, she thought. She wasn't sure, or anything, but her instructor had told her that she was at her best when she was emotional--when she had a handle of them, of course, but when she was pouring it into her playing and not being too controlled. She supposed she understood that. So that was what she poured herself into, when she could. Ballet, she had time for. But piano… sometimes that fell away when she was busy. It was hard when she didn't want to play around other people too, since there was always someone in this house. It was very rarely entirely empty, at least not when she was here.

So when all else failed, working out helped. That had been her plan, anyhow, until she had heard that Jules was here. Then she'd decided that she'd see him first, then go downstairs. Propriety had gone out the window a little bit, since she'd decided not to go change, but she was still dressed. It wasn't like he was going to jump her in the foyer because she was wearing a sports bra. It wasn't like she'd let him even if he did. "You better not complain." She said, with a smile, letting him kiss her hand. As she suspected, he wasn't about to jump her or anything. He was hardly even looking at all, which was fine with her. She was more curious what he was doing here than anything else. "I'm fine--just busy. I'm sorry about that, by the way. I feel like I'm neglecting you." Constance teased. Really, she sort of was. With how busy she was, he was taking a back seat in everything else that she had to get done. But he was busy too--so she thought that she understood. She hoped that he did, anyway. "Sure. Living room?" She didn't wait for an answer before heading in that direction. It was the best room to talk in that got them out of the foyer.

The fact that they were both so busy was likely the only reason why this conversation hadn't come sooner. Jules didn't know whether that was for the best or not, honestly, since delaying it would only make it worse but he also didn't want it to happen. If he could put if off forever, then he would. If he could pretend that this wasn't happening, that there was nothing threatening to tear apart the only perfect thing he had in his life, the he would. Life, however, didn't work the way he wanted it to. It never did and there was no reason why it would start now. No, he couldn't put this off any longer. The ball was around the corner, he had already arranged for Anastasia Carrow to be his date. His mother had given him an ultimatum, she had drawn the line in the sand and Jules...Jules did what he always did. He stayed on the same side she was, of course, he didn't cross the line, even though what he wanted the most was on the other side. He couldn't, wouldn't choose anything over his family even if tore his heart into a million pieces and made him loathe himself. Made him resent his mother, the person he loved above all others in this life. The one, he thought, who understood him the best. She and Lori both, his mother and his sister, always taking care of him and protecting him from everything. Except that despite encouraging him to be more independent, to grow into the lord he as supposed to be, with one hand, they also tried to protect him from himself with the other - therefore undermining the decisions he made for himself, by himself.

Worst of all, he couldn't blame it on anyone other than himself. He was the lord, in name and deed, since he was old enough to hold the title without his mother to serve as his regent. If he wanted to, he could take Constance as his wife and damn what the rest of his family thought. He could do it, take her to that ball despite his mother's scathing opinion, could keep on doing the things the way they were and come Yuletide he'd hopefully had placed that ring on Constance's delicate finger. It was possible, Jules had all the power. And, in the end, he had chosen wrong. He had chosen duty, he had chosen family - and he'd lose everything because of that. It was hard, not having anyone to blame but himself. Jules knew he was being terrible, at home, that his mothers were upset and his brother and sister worried. He knew that he was lashing out on them, resenting them for something that was entirely on him. That would have to stop- but now, Jules couldn't think of anything else. He couldn't be a better son, a better brother. He was hurting and he wanted everyone to hurt with him, fairness be damned. Ironically, the only person he didn't want to hurt was the one that he'd deliberately wound, just now.

It was hard to keep a smile on his face as they bantered but he managed, selfishly wanting to hoard these last, precious moments to himself before he'd shatter it like glass. "I'd never! For all that I'll swear on my honour that I averted my eyes immediately, such sight is not a gift to be scorned," his tone was cheeky, despite his terrible, terrible thoughts, and the words were true enough. Were this any other day, Jules would have done what property demanded by keeping his distance but he'd have looked, he'd have thought and wanted and wished. Her next words sent a stab through his gut and he wanted to vomit. Still, he kept his smile in place and shook his head, horrified that he made her feel guilty for not having time for him. Gods, how could he even- "No, no, don't think like that. Your career is important, your passion is important and I know how...hard this time of the year is for you. Don't apologise, not to me." Following her to the living room, Jules took a deep breath and steeled himself for the conversation to come. He wasn't sure what would happen, what her reaction would be, but he was sure he'd remember this moment for a long time - possibly forever. It wouldn't be a pleasant memory.

Constance knew that it was honestly a bit of a blessing in disguise that she was so busy this month. There was so much to focus on with the Nutcracker and with her work at the Ministry, that she barely had time to sit still long enough to think about what had happened a year ago. It wasn’t even just work, really. Apart from that, she still had her piano lessons to contend with, martial arts classes, sparring with Nick… and keeping busy was helpful this month. It absolutely was. When she was home, she was pretty much there to sleep or for a couple of hours before she had to sleep. And a lot of that time was spent either in the gym or at the piano or something like that. There wasn’t a lot of free time to spare, so she absolutely knew that she was neglecting Jules. She was not being a very great girlfriend this month, and she knew that. She knew that even though her experience of being a girlfriend was not all that extensive. Really, this was the longest relationship that she’d had. She thought that it was going well. She cared about him and that was more than she was expecting when all of this had started. He had come up to her after her show and she had remembered him from school, obviously. And she thought that he’d definitely gotten better looking, if that was even possible, from when she’d seen him last.

But she hadn’t thought that it was going to turn into all of this. She hadn’t thought that they would still be dating nearly nine months later. Constance didn’t know if it was going to turn into anything more than this. She knew that them getting married would likely not sit well with his family and even with hers a little bit. Her family just wanted her to be happy, and marry a pureblood of course, but they wanted her to be happy. She just knew that her matka wasn’t thrilled with some of what Constance had told her. She thought that she was more worried about her getting hurt than anything else, but Jules’ family apparently was different. Still… Jules was with her anyway, and she didn’t know if he was having more serious thoughts about her. She didn’t have a good way of knowing. If he was going to propose or something, he’d likely talk to her matka about it first--or Philip, depending on his choice of etiquette. She thought that Philip would likely laugh him out of the room and tell him he was talking to the wrong person, but still. She thought she would have heard about that happening by now if it had happened. Maybe anyway. They were pretty good at secrets in this family but would they really keep that from her? Marriage was big. And being proposed to was probably pretty blindsiding. Surely, someone would have told her about something like that.

That was just… neither here or there, really. She wasn’t in any kind of rush. She wasn’t sure if she was even ready to get married. She didn’t know if there was some good way of just knowing that it was the right chance. It was silly to be a romantic in a society where marriage was just nitpicked by families down to the last detail, and when arranged marriages were still as common as they were. She was just glad that she didn’t have to deal with that. At least she was going to get some kind of say in it… whenever it happened. “Right answer.” She said, with a smile. She really had thought way too much into whether or not she should change before coming downstairs, but it just seemed ridiculous. And really, she was sort of glad that she hadn’t. If he only needed to talk to her about something quickly, then she could just go right back down to the gym without having to go back and forth to change her clothes. “Well I feel bad anyway…” It was hard not to feel like she had been neglecting him when she had been so incredibly busy for the entirety of this month so far. It was helping her to keep her mind off of everything else but she knew that there were still cons to being that busy. But she just pushed those worries away for now as she headed into the living room and sat down on the couch. “So, what’s on your mind?” Clearly something, since he’d come all this way just to talk to her about… something.