How far i'll go

Violet Gertrude Stroud

Sometimes, some of the other students thought that he was useful enough to use as a runner. Perry really saved his athletics for Quidditch, but he had pretty decent speed on the ground as well. While he really didn't enjoy being by himself for long periods of time (unless it was just the library), he was occasionally willing to go run back and forth to help out some of his fellow Ravenclaws. Today, sadly, that meant that he had offered to help Althea Abbott give something to Violet Stroud. He really wasn't sure what she wanted of him when she had called him over earlier. Thea rarely asked him to hang out with her, mainly because they could barely tolerate one another. He thought she was whiny and annoying (and he hadn't forgiven her for being rude to Donald). She thought he was too twitchy. But they understood each other, mainly because he knew about Cecily. It wasn't planned by any means. He just happened to see Cecily walking triumphantly around and saw Althea the next day. He hadn't told anyone because he knew that she didn't want him to, but she at least was passingly nice to him now.

Of course, she still wanted him to go run errands occasionally. He didn't mind. Walking around Hogwarts was a good way to clear his head, and it was late enough in the day that he didn't feel awkward walking around without any friends. It was dangerously close to curfew, sure, but they would be fine. He doubted he would get caught or in trouble, and if they did... Well, it was Thea's fault, and she would owe him. Besides, he rarely got in trouble. People didn't really notice that he was there. He would get a few points off and then a stern lecture, but that was fine with him. 

He didn't know where he expected Violet to be, but he had told her earlier he had something to give her. The Astronomy Tower had just been the first words out of his mouth, mainly because he didn't have the parchment with him to give to Vi. So it was his fault, really, that he had waited so long to give her something so meaningless. With a sigh, Perry rounded the corner hoping to see the older Hufflepuff.

I’ve been staring at the edge of the water

CW: SUICIDAL IDEALATION, SUICIDAL TENDENCIES

Sometimes on a broom, near the higher parts of the castle, she wondered what it would be like to fall.

She knew her stomach would swoop dizzily, as it did when she dived for the Snitch in practices, knew enough about falls that her hands would try to grasp something to hold onto. If it was high enough, hard enough, if no one saw her, then maybe she would have died.

She couldn’t, wouldn’t do that, she knew. Not to Arthur, not to Dad. They’d been hurt enough by Mum, so who was she to add something onto that, make it all worse?
She didn’t know what she thought. If there was something, if there was nothing. She didn’t know what Mum had thought, but she knew it felt empty and weak to hear people say that there might be something after this. The ghosts didn’t know what happened, and it was likely it was just— nothingness, emptiness.

But she did go a bit further than usual, she knew. Moved too close to the edges of the moving staircases, and during their last practice, she’d sent herself hurtling towards something she’d thought was the Snitch, and she’d rammed into Athazaz. Apparently, she’d gotten close too close to the ground and he’d panicked. It was the only time in six years she’d ever seen him angry— he was upset that she’d continued to go after a hollow reflection, saying that she could have died. She didn’t quite remember what she’d said— something along the lines of Would that have been so bad? and his eyes had widened, and he’d backed away. She was benched for the rest of practice and sent to the matron even though there was nothing wrong with her.

But no one could be everywhere, and they’d locked her broom away so she couldn’t fly unattended, and so she’d started spending her time in the Astronomy Tower. The professor seemed nice, she guessed, if a little stifled and pressing back against the cultural shift.

She just...she was there. Moved around when she was told to, and most of the time, other kids who told her what to do were Althea Abbott. So she did what Althea told her to, because it was easier that way. She didn’t have to think, only had to react and do. So when Althea’s other kid— Perry Piggs, she thought his name was— asked her where he could find her, she’d answered the Tower without a thought.

He’d found her later, standing too close to the edge, leaning too far over. She jerked back, hearing him approach— she wasn’t suicidal, no matter what anyone else thought. And he was younger, she had to show an example. She didn’t know if he’d seen her, but if he did, he would probably tell Althea, who would hold it over her head.

“You….have something?”
!

He hadn't meant to be interfering. He didn't realize...

He had thought that she was thinking like he did, staring down and wondering how far the fall would be. For Perry it had never been a thought of whether he should. It had always been morbid curiosity-- if he leaned forward far enough, would he fall? Would the castle help or hinder?

Perry had noticed, had seen. But he knew he couldn't say anything about it. He didn't want to. He couldn't. The only person he would tell would be Don or Thea, and he knew that would be... bad. Don wouldn't  know what to do. His best friend was insensitive sometimes, and he knew that he was, too. He just looked at some things with detachment, and his mum had said that he was rude to people that he didn't know. And Thea? She would be all too happy to have something else against someone. So he couldn't tell. He wouldn't tell. He would zip his lips tight and he would stare at her with narrowed eyes when she thought that he wasn't looking. Perry would keep track, would watch. 

He realized, halfheartedly, that he should probably mention it to a teacher. 

Perry hated teachers sometimes. He hated talking to them outside asking a question, and even then he had to squeeze his palms tight and steady his breath. It was hard. They didn't realize, didn't care, that sometimes he swallowed his words so roughly that he had a hard time locating them again. He was fine in writing; he was better in his essays. But when he had to ask people things the thought disappeared before he could get it out, and that was when he had to rely on others to help him out more. 

It was easier to latch onto other students, then. They made his opinions heard. They made sure he didn't think that he was getting sick, they made his head less fuzzy. Only sometimes, though. Sometimes they didn't help. Sometimes they made it worse.

"Yeah," he told her, trying to make his features look anything but puzzled and concerned. "Yeah, Althea asked me to bring you something. I'm Perry." He had to introduce himself because he doubted she knew who he was. Thea might have made it her duty to collect a few people to do what she asked, but she didn't introduce them to one another. It was easier not to ask, too, who had gotten roped into helping. He held out the folded pile of parchment, not wanting to step any closer.