Feels like Goodbye
_{feels like the last time}

He hadn't replied. He had ignored her. Phone calls, text messages, He had even sent the mother fucking elf away, and that was the last straw. If this was anything else, she would have just let him. She would have just let him be stupid. Let him lose her, because that was what he was going to do if he kept this up, but she wasn't even sure that he cared. He had to though, right? He did marry her. Had it been the booze that had made him? Had it been the weed? Or the sex? Had the shimmer of something new and pretty worn off and now he wanted someone else? A million thoughts went through her mind but right now this was not about her. This was about Tara and she had to remember that. She had spent the last two days drinking and crying and now she had a purpose, a fire under her ass to stop this stupidity and make him come home.

Nothing so drastic or dramatic as though she was pregnant or anything, but instead it was his mother. She had been ill since before the flu had taken her magic, but it was no secret in their family that she was not doing well. Michael had secured round the clock care. He had gotten a healer to come and help take care of the woman to try and make her better, but over the last few weeks, it had just not helped at all. Caterina didn't want to be doing this, to be reuniting with her husband like this. SHe didn't want to be seeing him again after all this time and not be able to touch him, hold him, it was torture, but even if he didn't come home he had to know, Tib had to know. They all did.

The time had come and she was asking for them. It was time to say goodbye, and... Cat was bracing herself for it. For all of it. She hated death, and she knew this would be no easier. She didn't even knock she opened the front door and walked into the front room and looked Van dead in the face. "We need to talk, now."

@van | OUTFIT | 375

So don't hold your breath for me

But watching you turn blue would be comforting
I told you once, I'll tell you twice
I'll give you bad advice because I'm bad at life
I'm bad at life
@caterina | outfit

He had fucked up. And what did that mean, really? This was nothing new. Van was used to fucking up. It was practically his forte, but normally when he fucked up people got disappointed. People got pissed off, or the short end of the stick, or just sick of him. This time he had hurt someone. No, worse, he had done something that would hurt someone. His wife.  And the worst part was that she didn't even know. How was he going to tell her? How was he going to look into his wife's eyes and tell her that, in a matter of months, he had done the most despicable thing he could do. And he'd done it multiple fucking times. Three? Four? He couldn't even say for certain. Hell, it could have been more and he wouldn't even have known. He had done horrible acts and then....did them again. What sort of fucking idiot does that? When they've only finally found the one woman in the world that made them feel like love was even a possibility? What the hell was wrong with him?!

She had attempted to get in touch with him and of course he had to make things worse. Ignoring her calls, her texts, her bloody owl. He had ignored it all. He didn't want to tell her and he didn't want to have to look her in the eye. How could he after this? Part of him argued that such is life. It's the rock star lifestyle, baby, get with it or get out. He didn't need her or anyone, he'd made it just fine this far. Why beat himself up over it? ...And then his heart would come and kick the living shit out of his brain for trying to rationalize his shit behavior. Every kick a hate filled blow. He was going to lose her, it'd shout as it stomped. They could never come back from this, another swift kick to the ribs. Your father's letter was for nothing you bloody imbecile! You've not changed and you never will and you don't deserve her. Nay, she doesn't deserve to have to put up with you, it'd scream right before delivering a nice big heel to the balls. 

Van was good at stewing in his self loathing. He'd had many years of practice. He and father would fight, father would voice his disappointments and Van would be sentenced upstairs or away in some fashion or another. He'd spent a lifetime learning how to stew quietly and hate himself, which was exactly what he was doing at Tib's. He hadn't hardly said two words to his mate and the bloke was smart enough to know his ways by now. He'd left him be, which was more than he could ever ask of him. And in his own home-- Merlin, Van, could you be any more of a wretched soul? Just as he was turning the page in his mental book of reasons why he was a pile of rubbish he'd heard the door come straight open and he thought it rather odd. Usually he was the only one who barged without knocking...

Van cocked his head to see who exactly it was as he sat on the couch, his hands folded as he was hunched forward leaning against his legs instead of leaning back. To his surprise it was the exact face he'd been avoiding and his heart jumped like something had popped out and frightened it. She stood before him, sassy and beautiful and eliciting a flight or fight response with her demanding words.  Did she know? Fuck, she had to know. Look at her! Van stood, meeting her gaze with a hint of stern... disinterest?  His eyes sized her up as she stood before him. "I'd say we do," he said pursing his lips slightly.

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0

Feels like Goodbye
_{feels like the last time}

She hadn't expected him to answer the texts, or the owls or even the first couple of calls. He was upset, he was mad, they had been fighting. It was okay she understood it, she got where he was coming from (even if she thought he was being a drama queen over something so fucking small) and she had planned to give him some space. She had planned to let him have the room that he needed to get his head out of wherever he had shoved it and then they would be fine. It was that when they bickered and she didn't understand why this would be any different. She loved her husband very much and this was going to be so much harder when he didn't want to answer her.

She pushed her hair from her eyes as she moved into the room and got a look at her husband. He looked as miserable as she felt, did he already know? Did Donna call him? Oh, gods. She wanted to hug him but that look in his eyes made her stop and she wrapped herarms around herself suddenly feeling very naked in Tib's house. They didn't have much time, they needed to go, now so she couldn't beat around the bush and she wanted to apologize but she knew there wasn't time for that.

"Look, this is important okay, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't, that is why I have been calling you, Bael." It was why she had been trying to get a hold of him, his mother was dying, she had asked for him. It was time to say goodbye to her, and she didn't know how to do this. She had never faced a loss before, not even one of her grandparents. Her heart thudded in her chest as she looked at Van, waiting for him to say something, anything.

@van | OUTFIT | 317

SO DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH FOR ME

BUT WATCHING YOU TURN BLUE WOULD BE COMFORTING
I TOLD YOU ONCE, I'LL TELL YOU TWICE
I'LL GIVE YOU BAD ADVICE BECAUSE I'M BAD AT LIFE
I'M BAD AT LIFE

Merlin, he was not ready to see her. He was not and part of him thought he never would be again. How was he even supposed to say this to her?! Every bit of chatter between them had always come flawlessly tumbling out of their mouths like talking with a best friend-- but this? Fuck he didn't know what he was going to say. He had been trying to rehearse it in his head but nothing sounded good. How could it, really? How could he doll up the phrase: honey I've cheated on you with multiple women and knowing me, and the terrible person I am, I can't guarantee I won't do it again? He was a bloody musician. Making words into poetry was his bloody specialty but this? Merlin and Morgana he couldn't even begin to understand how anyone could go through with this.

Did most men just leave? They just left, right? They cheated, turned, and ran? Or did they simply not say anything at all? He could say nothing at all. He could very easily just keep his giant trap shut if he wanted. But there was the issue of the tabloids. He wasn't sure if anyone had saw him. Truthfully, he hadn't cared. But surely someone, somewhere out there watching his rock 'n roll buffoon escort a lass or two up the steps of the Leaky Cauldron. Even if no one had there were other flaws in his plan, the matter of protection being one. Had he used any? Fuck if he could remember. Was there a possibility that he could have seriously and completely fucked up worse than he ever had in his entire life? Oh, absolutely.

By the feel of it he assumed he already had. He was stricken with a panic the likes of which he had never felt. A sense of guilt unfathomable to this once 'don't give a damn' mentality having arsehole. It wasn't just guilt, but heart ache. He had done something unforgivable in his own eyes. Father had never done anything like this. Not once, not ever. And he had been a complete arsehat when he walked the Earth. Somehow he had been worse than Myles, which felt pretty bad in his own mind, and he could only imagine what it would be like when he told Cat.

Figuring out how to tell Cat was seemingly the least of his worries, as she had decided to grace his presence well before he was due to grace her with his. The way she'd come flying through the door he had thought for sure that he'd be getting a swift kick to the nads, but it hadn't come. Even with his cold exterior, dismissive tone, and general dickish behavior-- she hadn't laid a hand on him. Yet. He wondered if she were saving it up. Maybe give him a big walloping at the end? She spoke of importance with a sense of urgency and he rolled his eyes. Internally he was screaming at himself to stop, but he couldn't. Once his arsehole switch was flipped there was no un-flipping it. A sad but horrible flaw of his.

"Bael? Well, it must'nt be that important if you already know and you're still out here calling me that." Van huffed crossing his arms. More internal screaming ensued, though it wasn't visible through his cold dark eyes. Van waved his hand in a dismissive matter as he spoke. "Call all you want I'm not ready to speak with you. I've got a lot to sort out after last night." If she did in fact know what had happened, that kick would surely be coming soon. Part of him was on edge expecting it, ready to block, while another part of him was arguing that he would deserve it. Truth of the matter was that he would be deserving of it.

@caterina | Outfit | Words: 646

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0

Feels like Goodbye
_{Feels like the last time}

How the hell was she supposed to do this? How dd she tell him that his mother was dying after everything that was going on with them. She didn't want him to think that she was angry with him, because even though she was, this was more important. She knew that he was going to be an ass about all of this, but she really was sorry. She really was tired of fighting and for all she knew he could be too. She just wanted him to come home so they could get drunk and feel better about everything like they usually did. She wanted the normality that they had, even if it wasn't normal. She wanted something. He didn't. It wasn't like this was a fight over cheeseburgers or anything. It wasn't that simple. It wasn't going to be that simple again.

His mother was dying, and his world was never going to be the same again. She wished that she knew what to tell him, that she knew how to help him. She wished she could fix this for him and take away his pain, she wished that she didn't have to do this, but as much as it hurt her, she had to. She ran a hand through her hair and licked her lip as he stood. Merlin, help her as she had to break this to him and she just didn't know how. The crease in her brow got deeper and she shook her head. "Know what, Van?" She was so confused, did he already know? She had no idea how he could.... "After last night? Van, I'm talking about your Mum..."

She went on the defense and crossed her arms. "What the fuck did you do?"

tag: @van // words: 293 // OUTFIT

template by eliza @ TB THQ

SO DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH FOR ME

BUT WATCHING YOU TURN BLUE WOULD BE COMFORTING
I TOLD YOU ONCE, I'LL TELL YOU TWICE
I'LL GIVE YOU BAD ADVICE BECAUSE I'M BAD AT LIFE
I'M BAD AT LIFE

There wasn't enough Pepper Up Potion in the world to undo the damage done last night. Maybe to his liver, but not to his life. Merlin, had he ever fucked up so badly?! He had tried running over what he could remember in his head. Tried finding one drunken thought that had lead to it all, or at least try and recall what flawed logic had lead him to thinking any of it was a good decision in the first place. For fucks sake he was great at pushing people away, but this.... This was hardly away! He was drawing all the wrong people in and pushing all the good ones out and for what?! Why?!

He still hadn't found the answer. WHICH was why he was avoiding his wife entirely-- if she would even want to still call herself that. How he was going to explain his infidelity was unclear. How he was going to explain multiple infidelities....even more unclear. Basically he was fucked no matter which way he diced it and the presence of his wife before his vary eyes made that so inherently clear that he had no way to deny it. Hell, could he deny it anyway? He didn't think he had it in him to lie. Not properly, and not to her. 

All the pissy vigor he had in his I Don't Give A Fuck attitude fell from his face as she admitted her ignorance on the subject. Internally he was screaming. He thought for certain Tib could likely hear said internal screaming across the whole bloody house. He had known that Van had done since that morning when he came crashing in blathering about it and he certainly knew that this was quite the pickle his friend was in. "What d'you mean what happened last night? I'm sure Ziggy or Cheyenne have run off and bloody told you about it all by now. Don't play dumb, Caterina, alright? It doesn't suit you." If she didn't know? Would that buy him some time to-- SHIT! He had just admitted two names. Fuck. FUCK.

"My mum?" He questioned with such a softness it clashed against the harshness he had before. What could she possibly need to tell him about his Mum concerning this? Surely she was upset with him, not that she needed that in her weakened state. Something like this was the last thing she... "Cat. Is my mum alright?" His voice grew solumn and urgent as he started to realize that this encounter might not have been about him in the first place.

@caterina | Outfit | Notes:

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0

Feels like Goodbye
_{Feels like the last time}

It was a blade, sharp and true right into her gut as her mind and heart caught up with all of this. It was a hard thing to go to her husband at someone else's home and tell him that his mother was dying, that she would be gone likely before the sun went down. She had slept so little over the last few days that she felt almost as if she was imagining this. She had to be right? He wouldn't do this to her, he wouldn't break her heart like this and cheat on her. It had been his idea to get married so that they could stay together because he loved her; because they didn't want to lose one another. It seemed that feeling had faded away with his magic.

Tucking some of her bleached blonde hair behind her ear the woman stood there and looked at the man that she was married to, and took a moment to really take him in. How could Tiberius Crabbe be friends with this man when he was now obvious so much like his own father, Kirley. Caterina knew all about the antics of the man, thanks to Sheryl and her marriage advice, looked as if she owed the elder woman a substantial amount of coin for being right about Van, and she needed a very large bottle of whiskey as her hands began to shake.

Looking at the floor she fought to hold it together, she couldn't deal with this right now, right now was about Tara and she needed her son. She needed... her family. Cat could decide what she wanted to do, and have a good cry when she was alone or maybe she could cry with everyone else, and they might think that her tears are of loss. Well, they were, in a way, they were for the loss of this. He wanted out, didn't he? That much was obvious now, but she wasn't sure that she was ready to give up, not yet. The names stuck in her craw and she took a long moment to compose herself before she raised her tear-filled eyes to meet his own as his voice changed.

"I've been calling you because Donna sent for you. It's time to go home, Van. We've been asked to come and say goodbye for the last time." Her voice sounded like her mothers; cold hollow, distant, the emptiness meeting her lovely eyes leaving them empty as well. "We don't have long, Van. We should go."

tag: @van // words: 424 // OUTFIT

template by eliza @ TB THQ

SO DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH FOR ME

BUT WATCHING YOU TURN BLUE WOULD BE COMFORTING
I TOLD YOU ONCE, I'LL TELL YOU TWICE
I'LL GIVE YOU BAD ADVICE BECAUSE I'M BAD AT LIFE
I'M BAD AT LIFE

There had been so much going on in his life as of late, hardly any of it was of any good. The wizarding world as he knew it was shut down and on lock. Which, of course, had a way of irking him. He hated to feel stuck. Absolutely hated it. As a matter of fact, it was why he had never wanted to be married before. He was a wrockstar. A bloody celebrity, he didn't want to be pinned down by some bride and child. Absolutely not. That was one of the very best things about Cat was that she was of a similar mind. She was a wild wave or a gust of wind. You never knew where she'd go; you never knew what to expect.

God, he had lived for it. But these days more and more it felt like she were turning into a calm breeze and that frightened him. He had been taken back by his family, thanks to a letter from dear old Dad-- but that hadn't meant to him what he thought it meant to her. He wasn't about to abandon who he was for a title. He wasn't going to simmer down and have wee babes running around. Lately she'd been talking about that and he felt like a cornered cat just clawing at the walls. It made him feel like...like a flight risk.

And Merlin, did he ever prove what sort of flight he was capable of. His head still ached from the highs he had reached last night, but it was the lows that were kicking his ass. How could he do this? Still, he couldn't wrap his mind around his own stupidity. And he had seen himself do some rather idiotic things. But to Cat. To Cat.... He felt more guilt now than he ever did about his father's death and that was saying something. Even with their fights he knew that she was the one for him. The one he had wanted so badly that he had broken his own rules. The one he could possibly break more rules for....

No. Immediately he shoved the thought down. This was his guilt talking, and the guilt alone. He had done terrible things in the past twenty-four hours but that did not condone giving in to the one and only foothold he had left. He wasn't going to become a light breeze with her. He was a fucking hurricane. A tornado, and he wasn't going to be tamed. He had proved that, hadn't he? In the worst way of all he had proved it.

Her words sent another wave of guilt over him. One stronger than he could have ever imagined. If he had thought last night was bad, Merlin, this was a tsunami. His mum. Gods. There was no stopping the choke of a stiffled cry. Single, harsh as it was. Van caught it in his fist as he watched the emptiness overtake the woman before him. He felt his own emptiness wash over him. While he was out being as stupid as ever his mum had needed him. She needed him, and he...he had been doing this.

"Yeah. Yeah, we need to go. Right now." A sense of urgency filled the void the emptiness had created and he quickly yanked his jacket from the back of the couch, patting his pockets for a sign of any and everything. In a moment of blurred confusion he nearly grasped for his wand to apparate them away, but alas it would have been useless. Everything fell into a blur as he rushed toward the floo. With a hurried flick of powder he and Cat were gone into the green flames.

---

THREAD IS ENDED

@caterina | Outfit | Words:619

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0