For times when my life seems so low
_{It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring}

It had taken a lot of soul searching, and a lot of crying for her to reach for that pen. She had been working too much to even think about it but in the wee hours of the morning she had made the decision and before she knew it she had signed, written the note and had taken off her rings and then gone to the Studio. Putting the items on his desk she had gone home and sat on her couch crying for a few hours and had a pint of ice cream. She had put on weight and despite her father's hopes, she was not pregnant. Depression weight sat differently than a baby would. She had thought about things over and over. Things she could have done different and no matter what she did she could not see how this was not her fault. She had caused all of this for wanting more than she needed to have. Yet again she reached too high but instead of a slap on the wrist for going for the cookie jar, this time Caterina had lost it all.

She smoked as she slowly drove and thought about all of the things that she missed and would never have again. A million thoughts running through her mind and she did everything it took to stop crying, she was tired of it and her face was rather chapped. It was over, and he had won. He would get what he wanted and go back to a life of being unattached. Never again would he be asked about his wife, or Lady Parkinson (unless in reference to his sisters). No, instead she was just the one that had been thrown away. He claimed that it was to protect her so that he didn't hurt her again but Cat did not buy into that at all. If anything it only served to make her angrier towards him. How pushing her away would save her from pain she would never know. Even with him cheating, even with him not wanting to hold, kiss or touch her she had been happier than she had been with anyone else in her life. Maybe that spoke to the quality of men that she was used to dealing with, as many of her exes were either married men or those who were never anything special. Sure Jaxon had had potential but he hadn't wanted anything serious. So that was never anything really viable. Hell, Michael had had a better chance with him than she did.

Walking to the house she tucked some of her long hair behind her ear and sighed before letting herself into the house. She had a key for many reasons still, but they owned the business together, and the house had things that the studio didn't. So, she had a key, but right now she had no idea why she was there. Maybe she wanted to make sure that he had seen the papers or maybe she just wanted to see him. She was still his business partner, they still were friends was it so wrong to want to see him? She loved him, and even if they were divorcing, she would always hold him in high regard.

Putting Doris down she let the dogs off the leashs and then out in the backyard before calling out to her Ex (ouch that still stings to say that), through the house that used to be hers. "Van? You here?"

@van| OUTFIT | 584

When angels fall with broken wings

I can't give up, I can't give in
When all is lost and daylight ends
I'll carry you and we will live forever, for ever
@caterina | outfit

For the first time since the loss of his mother Van was feeling a little better. Not quite himself, but better. He was managing to eat at least once a day. He was managing to drink liquids that weren't in a bottle with a labeled proof on them. He was doing the best that he could to move on from everything, but it was hard. Seeing Cat in the studio and reliving the panic of his morning with Cheyenne over and over. Every time he'd see her face he'd think of how he felt. How there was nothing like it in the world; not for the love he had for her, or the hurt that hurting her had caused him. 

Cat was a strong woman and for the month following his infidelity she had shown that she was strong enough to move past his indiscretion. That was all he had wanted at first. He wanted to forget it, to move past it, and pick up the pieces of them and build themselves back up. That was what he would have loved, what he would have preferred....but it wasn't what she had deserved. To make matters worse there was a question of his parentage to Cheyenne's child. The one thing he had sworn up and down to Cat that he would never do was father a child and then there he was possibly the father to another woman's baby.

The very thought of it had made him sick. Cat had seemed upset but for him it felt worse. He had cheated, he had avoided her, and made a complete arsehat out of himself. The news from Cheyenne was the final nail in the coffin. Making an arsehat out of himself was one thing, but to have her sitting beside him as Cheyenne spoke the inevitable-- he felt as though he had made one of her as well. That was something he never wanted to do. He loved her, more than he had loved anything, and yet he had made a fool of her. 

It broke his heart to turn and see her after that. To look at her at all and know what he was to her....and what he was supposed to be. A loving, faithful husband. Someone who was understanding. Someone who would put her needs first. He wanted to be all of those things and yet he had failed. Within months of their vows he had failed her, and what was worse was that he couldn't even promise himself that he wouldn't be so daft as to do it again. Merlin, had he wished he could. He had argued over and over within his mind that he could do it but there was always a small voice that said nay. A small voice that argued for uncertainty and realism and spoke testament to his past flaws.  

That voice had grown louder since he had made his decision to seek divorce. That voice hated him, and in truth he hated himself. He fought it, every day, every night, and now he was finally...finally getting better. Doing better. Coping better. Still, there wasn't a day that went by that he didn't miss hearing her steps through the kitchen. But that was over now. The papers had been signed and left for him to find.

Having them drawn up was hard. Signing them himself had taken hours, ever letter felt like torture. But seeing her name scrawled had hurt. Never again would he listen to her humming as she brushed her teeth. Never again would he hear her voice beckoning him to come lay by her, or watch a movie. Merlin, he could almost hear it now. Wait..was he really hearing it? Van spotted a familiar trio of dogs through the window looking to the back yard and he realized that he wasn't imagining things. His brows furrowed in confusion as he followed the voice to find his... Ex (yeah, that still hurts), standing there. "Yeah," he finally replied though by then his presence was known well enough. "What're you doing here?" A cloud of dread hovered over him as he considered that maybe she had realized she had forgotten to sign a page. He didn't think he could watch her sign the bloody things in person.

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0

For times when my life seems so low
_{It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring}

It was so weird being back here, knowing this wasn't her home. Sure she would come inside and use the loo if someone else was in it, if someone else happened to be using it, or to make herself a snack when he was working. It was familiar and somehow different, but now that she had signed the papers, this was real. She was giving in and letting him have what he had wanted was the deepest cut of all. She had wanted to fight, had tried to beg but nothing had gotten through him so she had left. She had gotten her own place and kept their contact to a minimum, only speaking to him when it was needed, so that he could have the time to heal, so that she could have the time to break it to her heart that this feeling and that sound was no longer the sound of it beating, but now replaced with the sound of it breaking.

There was a song that she had once mocked about how hearts never break even and she had never understood what that meant until now. She had wanted to spend a life with that man, grow old with him, laugh at parties and mock their families as they ruined their lives, together. She wanted everything that was him, every broken fucked up part of him. Every laugh, every tear, every time that he screwed up. She wanted it all, because she loved him. She wanted every piece of what they could have had, what they should have had. The thought of what might have been hurt more than the loss that she was feeling. So she went about her day and her life as if nothing had changed, as if nothing had happened for a long time, but when she signed those papers she knew that everything was going to change now.

Looking at this beautiful tile that she had picked and that paint color they had picked together it was all just a reminder of what they had lost, and that hurt more than it should. Taking a deep, but shakey breath she sighed and licked her lips as she looked at him when he came into the room. Merlin did he have to look so fucking perfect? What did she want? She wanted to kiss him, for him to pick her up and press her into that wall like he used to. To kick the door shut to keep the dogs out like he had, to wake up in his arms instead of reaching for him into the cold sheets of her bed.

"Hey." Her throat raw from not being used made her voice rough husky. "I, um, just wanted to make sure you had gotten the paperwork." I miss you, come back. She took in a long breath and promised herself that he would not see her crying again. "It's been a while since we talked so just wanted to see how you are. I mean, you look good, but then you usually do...." Yeah, flirting is going to work so well for you, but she couldn't help but laugh softly. "I've missed talking to you, is all."

Don't you do it. Don't you dare cry! Stay where you are, and don't hug him."

@van| OUTFIT | 558

WHEN ANGELS FALL WITH BROKEN WINGS

I CAN'T GIVE UP, I CAN'T GIVE IN
WHEN ALL IS LOST AND DAYLIGHT ENDS
I'LL CARRY YOU AND WE WILL LIVE FOREVER, FOR EVER
@caterina | outfit

Was there anything harder than leaving someone even when the love that lived between you was so very much alive? There hadn't been a single day since he had given her the papers that he hadn't yearned for her. Not a single day in the studio when he wouldn't sneak moments of her away to his memories. That smirk she got when a melody came across perfectly or the little laugh that only Lil-Z and Luxx seemed to get out of her these days. They were fond memories, memories that he could cherish even when they were trudging through the thick of things. They served as painful little reminders of just what he had cost himself because of his own stupidity. 

Van would have given anything for a time turner just a few weeks ago. He longed to go back to a time before he had ruined his life, and hers. Back to a time that he was happy and that seeing her smile wasn't so rare. It hurt to think that not even two months ago he had been the happiest he had ever been....and likely ever would be. He had found the one thing he never thought he could find. Hell, he'd even thought it somewhat of an impossibility for himself. To love someone other than himself, other than his family....it seemed ridiculously unlikely. Maybe it still was. Maybe his selfishness had proven that the moment he had taken the first woman to bed that night. Maybe love just wasn't something he was ever meant to have or hold on to.

He wanted to hold on to it, Merlin did he ever. Over the past few weeks he had noticed the markings of her having been in the house but to actually see her there now? Just seeing her still gave him those butterflies, the ones he got on stage that never quite left no matter how many times he stepped onto it. Seeing her was like, and had always been a struggle to keep to himself. Two years ago he had failed. That day in the diner he had failed again, but now... There was to be no failing now. She was she, he was he, and there was no we anymore. No us to speak of and no marital bed to drag her off to. It was harsh and painful-- like needles being shoved under his nails. He knew what he wanted, what the selfish being that lived within him wanted, but he knew that being was trouble. It had been that night and, if he let it loose now, it would be again.

Severing their relationship would have been wise. No contact, no calls, no nothing-- that would have been what was best for their healing but it wasn't something feasible. They owned the studio together. The dogs, while they lived mostly with her, were technically his as well. And there was the fact that, well....aside from Tib she was the best friend he had. Van wasn't ready to lose that. When things went wrong she was one of the first people he would seek out. When things went well things were equally so. He wanted her to stay close to him; he didn't want to lose her but... Letting her go was what was best for her. Even if she didn't agree-- even if she couldn't see it his way. It was best because then he knew he would never hurt her again. He would never cheat, never lie, never disappoint. 

She would be safe from him in every sense, but never away. He would never push her away from him again. Even if it meant talking over divorce papers while the hounds played outside. "Yeah, I got 'em," his voice turned bland as he tried to keep out the disappointment in it. Van drew closer to her with arms crossed and head down, kicking the floor lightly as he came to a stop just far enough from her that he could trust himself. Cat's comment brought out a huff of a laugh through his nose as he looked up at her from beneath his brows. 

"I've been...alright, I suppose," or rather he lied, "I'd like to think I've been worse a time or two. Dealing with everything...it's just hard," because I miss you like crazy. His brows sewed together in a near wince as his mind finished his sentence. He had been doing better about this; he had promised himself he would be better. Van finally raised his head, his eyes following their way up and noticing the blonde's outfit. It seemed more put together than what she'd been wearing around the studio in recent weeks, almost reminiscent of the Cat he knew.

"How are you doing? You don't look like you're doing half bad yourself," Van, you had better not wink. Ah, great, too late. He scolded himself, especially for that. But could he honestly help it? The way they were was just...the way they were, dammit. Van huffed another nasally laugh before his face drew earnest. "I've missed talking to you too, Cat... I mean, it's a general rule that we shouldn't, but when have we been any good with rules?" Van smirked, though he could feel the crushing sensation return to his heart. One of the things that he had loved about her now offered an excuse as to why he wouldn't leave her alone. What was wrong with him?!

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0

For times when my life seems so low
_{It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring}

There had not been a single day that had gone by that she didn't miss him in some way. From the sound of his voice to the smell of his skin even hearing him and Tib in their living room laughing and playing music. Of all the things that she missed though it was that he would look at her, when he woke before she did and he would just watch her. Admittedly the first time had creeped her out a great deal the first time that it had happened, but waking to find him looking at her with love in his eyes was one of the most beautiful things that she could ever see. To feel his lips pressing tenderly against hers before cuddling with her as they both tried to find motivation to,face the day. She found herself looking for pieces of him in others, looking for something that could make it hurt less, to make the pain that seemed to be wrenching through not only her heart but her guts as well.

Van was that one thing that she needed, that she had never thought would be there, that pain that reminded her that her heart was there, that it beat within her chest. If she had never been sure if she loved him the day that he had told her that he wanted out had been the day that had done it. The day that she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he had her heart completely, that no one would ever mean as much to her as he did. She wished, no she hoped that she would be able to keep him, but as time had passed, that seemed less and less. He seemed to be sticking to his guns and she had signed because giving him what he wanted, no matter how much it hurt her, was better than hanging on to something that… was maybe never even there to begin with. Oh, gods it hurt to even think that. He could do what he wanted to now, who he wanted and no longer had to answer to anyone.

Maybe he would be happier free, but from what she had seen of him he was not happy, it hurt her very soul to see him so broken. To know that the pain that she felt was his too. This could all be so easily fixed, but maybe it was better this way. Maybe they would both be better this way, but as he flirted back and winked her heart squeezed, reminding her that she was still very much alive and still very much his, even if the papers no longer said she was. Would she now be doomed to be like his sister Donna? Would she be doomed to spend the rest of her life pining after someone who would never want her again. She tried to not let her emotions get to her, she tried to not let it show, and gods it was hard. Even for someone who had spent their life learning to be cold and distant from everyone else. Even for someone who had been taught that love was nothing but a fool’s fancy, here she stood.

She wanted him to come and kiss her. She wanted him to hug her and tell her that it was all going to be okay. To lie to her, if only for a little while. She wanted to hope, and maybe that was what hurt her the most, the hope that was never going to be there, the thing that she wanted to happen. She could literally reach out and touch it, but at what cost? What cost to her heart, to her soul?

”Yeah? I-I’ve not been having the easiest of times, but I expected that, i guess. I gota place with Zoe and Valide stops by to check on me sometimes, but I’m just taking it a day at a time.” She said giving a small shrug and taking a step towards him and then hesitating she sat on the arm of the chair next to her and crossed her legs. Don’t do it. Don’t do it.

She laughed as he made a point and looked at him through here dark lashes before looking at her hands, as if she was looking at her nails, but really she was realizing how naked she felt without those rings there, without the weight. ”Why shouldn’t two friends, and business partners have a conversation about life? I’m… i’m not your wife anymore Van, but things don’t have to change that much you know. It’s not like we can just sever everything. Well, we can, but I rather like what we do now. “ I like being near you.

Friends hugged, friends could drink together, friends could spend time together, and it not be weird. She knew it was the laughable to even thing that, but it was what she hoped above all else. She stood and before she knew what she was doing she hugged him, her arms about his waist her head leaning against him. It was against everything that she had told herself she wouldn’t do, but she knew that she would rather have him as a friend in her life han not at all, even if iit hurt. It would be better than losing him completely. The pain would pass in time, but losing him from her life would only leave a sucking hole in her chest where her heart should have been and she wasn’t sure that she could make it through that.

She stepped back after a minute and shook her head. ”I’m sorry, I just… I needed a hug.” and she had, she had wanted one for days and the only person who could make her feel any better was him.

@van| OUTFIT | 975

WHEN ANGELS FALL WITH BROKEN WINGS

I CAN'T GIVE UP, I CAN'T GIVE IN
WHEN ALL IS LOST AND DAYLIGHT ENDS
I'LL CARRY YOU AND WE WILL LIVE FOREVER, FOR EVER

He had swore to never get married. He had sworn it, and up until six months ago he had full intentions of making good on his promise. Marriage wasn't for him, he thought. It was never meant for people like him, the rebels, the damned. Marriage was just a thing people did to pass on names and DNA. What the hell sort of business did he have doing either? He hadn't wanted to do either, never had. Meeting Cat had given him a new perspective. Not just on himself, but life and the definition of things. Best friends weren't just mate's you drank and played tunes with. Wives weren't just these high societal beings that put on a show for the sake of family aesthetics or prestige.... And who knows, maybe she would have changed the definition of parenthood for him. If he'd have given her the chance.

The idea of having children had always frightened him. He had been a child to a pureblood family once. He had lived through the endless rules and regulations-- duties and what have you about who you could and could not speak with. Who you could and could not marry. What you could and could not say. It was stiffing. Claustrophobia had set in on him at an early age within the confines of his parent's home and of their lives. Things were to be a certain way. He was supposed to be a certain way and he just.....wasn't. It was why he had shied away from the idea of being a husband all his life. If he were to marry it would have had to been a pureblood girl-- his father had told him that a million times. And if he were to do that then he would have to agree to fall into that mold. The mold that never quite fit right, the one that closed in around him and made him feel like air was in short supply.

Marrying Caterina had been the only way to keep her, and not for any sake of pureblood ties, but for the sake of love. He didn't want to lose her, especially to his brother, and so they had made a decision. For the first time in his life the notion of marriage carried the notion of love and that seemed a worthy enough cause to go through with it. Merlin, did he ever love her. Even now as those divorce papers sat on that table, and she stood before him close in proximity but distant in mind. Distance in heart though, that was impossible. His was tangled with hers forever, he knew that. No matter what happened or where she went or what she did his heart would always be tied along side hers. Always beating to the same tune, pumping at the same time. No matter what she would always be his wife. And there would never be another.

She spoke of having a place and he felt a smile warm his face. "Good. I'm sure Zoe will appreciate having a place with you. Get her out of that house," he chatted, not knowing what else to say. There had been a few times the young Gryffindor girl had come to crash at their place as a means of 'running away' and he had wondered about where she might run off too now. He had rather liked the young lass, all her siblings really. For whatever reason he'd always figured if he had any in-laws he'd have hated the whole lot of them, but they weren't so bad. It was a sad thing to have lost not just a wife but an entire family.

Van held back another wince as she spoke. You will always be my wife, he corrected in his own mind. But the truth of the matter was that she wasn't. Not on paper, not in home, but always in his heart. "I like the way things are right now too," he agreed. Though it were only a half truth. The distance wedged between them was enough to kill him some days but he would take an arms length over miles away any day. He had been able to keep her, emotionally, at a distance. Speaking to her less, but just enough. Trying not to flirt, as hard as that was. Physically he had even been more distant. It was a hard habit to break, wanting to pull her into his lap all the time, or kiss her whenever he felt like. But he was doing well. He was keeping his distance and--

The small blonde witch rose, coming toward him and he froze. Like a deer in headlights he stood unsure what she was doing, or what to expect. She wrapped her arms around him, her touch instantly thawing his frozen stature. It was like breathing after holding your breath so long that your lungs ache. Like seeing the sun after a months worth of rain. It was....it was exactly what he felt every time he had ever touched her. This miraculous, addicting, warmth that flowed through him. He hugged her back, squeezing her into him ever so slightly. It was the first hug he'd received in months, and not just from her. 

She pulled back from him and his body could have shuttered in resistance. He craved that closeness with her, but he couldn't have it. He couldn't let himself drag them into this. Because if he gave in, if he grabbed her like he wanted, kissed her like he wanted, threw her down on the sofa like he wanted.... It would only make things worse. "That's alright. I think I did too," he admitted, a sympathetic smirk drawing on his lips. Merlin, if she only knew. For a moment he stood there, eyes trained on her. She was so close, she had been so close, he could let her be close to him again; couldn't he? No. No, he couldn't. He should let her go, let her leave if she wanted to, what was to keep her around? "You're still staying with the label, right? I mean...you're not leaving me entirely...." He chuckled though it came out more of a plea than he had wanted, the thought of her possibly leaving it having crossed his mind. 

@caterina | Outfit | Words:1051

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0

I'm all out of love
_{I'm so lost withouth you}

This was one of the hardest things that she ever had to do, and she really wasn't sure that she was going to be able to keep doing it. Van was the one thing that meant the most to her. The one good thing that had happened in her. She had felt like she was on to of the world and like everything was going to start going right for a moment, and then they had gotten sick, then Valide had convinced her that she should have a baby. Though she was not completely hating the idea still, she knew that if she didn't have Van she didn't want to have one, unless she was forced to marry someone else. Both sounded like horrible ideas that made her want to rip out her own heart and watch as he finished beating.

That was the thing that had pushed them into this hell hole. She had pushed about wanting a kid, she had pushed about them standing up to their roles as a Lord and Lady, about trying to take something seriously, and then his mother died. It was like the deck was stacked against them from the get-go and she had no idea what she was going to do now. No matter how much he said that it was him, that this was his fault because he had cheated, she knew the truth. The fault lay with her, and the want to have a daughter with his hair an eyes, or a son with his child and smile. She had dreamed a dream just once and it had ruined her life. Nothing would make her stop hating herself for as long as she lived, but for now, she would have o get used to this. Things over but the distance that was there somehow not there at the same time.

It was never going to be easy, facing life without him, and maybe her mother was right. Maybe this wouldn't hurt as much as time passed. Maybe she would be fine and be able to move on, one day. She didn't really like how things were, but it was better than to not have him in her life at all. Even though it hurt more than it did her any good. She just wanted to crawl into their bed most mornings and cuddle with him. Seeing him come in half awake with a mug of coffee she had put out for him still brought a smile to her lips, but she had no idea why she was doing those things for him still.

He had squeezed her to him and she wanted to savor that feeling, but she knew what happened after those hugs, a long sweet kiss followed by spending the rest of the day in their room or on the couch doing what they did best. She shook her head. "No, I have too many projects to finish. If I ever do, it will only be after I finish the stuff I have going on with Luxx and Z."

tag: @van // words: 513 // OUTFIT

template by eliza @ TB THQ

WHEN ANGELS FALL WITH BROKEN WINGS

I CAN'T GIVE UP, I CAN'T GIVE IN
WHEN ALL IS LOST AND DAYLIGHT ENDS
I'LL CARRY YOU AND WE WILL LIVE FOREVER, FOR EVER

Feel the fear and do it anyway. What a quote to live by. It was one of his favorite quotes, ever since he had heard it at age nine he had been in love with it. And it had gotten him through many things. His first stage appearance, being one of them. Merlin, he had been terrified. Absolutely mortified. He could still feel the trembling in his boots that day and the shaking of his shoulders underneath that guitar strap. Nervous, ha! Nervous didn't even begin to cover it. Van had been a frozen statue of fear then, but he had recognized that fear, that tremble. And he had told himself: feel it, and do it anyway.

In his life he had never regretted following that advice. No, that wasn't quite true. There had been a few antics on stage that he had pulled under the premise of that quote that he surely regretted later in life. Especially if it meant landing himself in Lord MacNair's office chairs. But it had been ages since he had felt that a fear like that. One that begged to be pushed past; one that held the promise of greener grass on the other side. And the last time had been in a situation hardly mortifying at all...

Lying in bed. Face to face with, quite possibly the most beautiful woman he had ever know, smiling like an idiot as she tried to teach him the Turkish word for pancake. There had been fear there. Fear of the unknown, of the feelings that were developing for the girl making his heart the pancakes they were talking about. Caterina wasn't someone he had anticipated loving. In truth, Van thought he was perfectly incapable of love until he had felt that fear. The sort of fear that meant his heart could be broken, but he would give it to her anyway. 

He had felt it again when they had fled to Turkey. And again when he had given her the divorce papers. Though, the papers had been a much deeper sense of fear. Not one that promised greener pastures, but one that opened the door to a hellish landscape and a knife stuck in his chest, charmed to be ever twisting. It was knife he had placed there himself, he knew that, but the spinning of the blade hurt nonetheless. 

Van felt it now. He felt compelled to act on it, as he always did, but he withdrew from it's calling. What he wanted and what caused the fear, they were not things he could foresee bringing greener grass. Nor were they the promise of a hellish landscape. They were just painful jabs of another dagger in his chest. Only, he knew that if he drew closer to her as he wished, the dagger would likely be long enough to hurt her too. So he fought every vibrating cell in his being screaming to reach out to her, to grab her, hug her, kiss her and never let go. He fought them all with such a vengeance that he could feel it aching in his body. A war waging, but never won.

"Well, I hope that you never do," he admitted simply, his hand reaching out and taking hers. Van's eyes glanced to it, how natural it felt to have hers in his, but he scolded himself anyway. Still...he could allow this small thing. It was just one small thing. "I don't know what I'd do without you on the label, honestly. I don't think Luxx or Z would know either. They've told me they adore working with you." Was she getting closer? Was he pulling her, or pulling himself? Van stopped himself. He was close to her now. Far too close. Closer than he should have allowed. "Hell, I adore working with you," he added, catching his eyes admiring the fullness of her lips.

@caterina | Outfit | Notes:

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0

I'm all out of love
_{I'm so lost withouth you}

When she had gone to her mother for advice the woman had told her that there would be times when she could not listen to her heart, that she would have to listen to her head instead, but the older Shafiq did not understand that it did not help her in the least. Every single part of her hurt, every part of her wanted him back. She wanted him with her, beside her always, it was why she had said yes when they had been in Turkey. She loved him, she had for longer than she wanted to admit to herself. He was a weakness, and her father said that she had to cut herself free from him like cancer before it spread.

Caterina Shafiq never listened to her father, ever, but this could very well be the one time in her life that he was right. She didn't want to think about not being in Van's life, She didn't want to think about not waking up and seeing him with severe bed head, but that was where this was heading. He wanted out and she was giving him his way, he could move on, find someone else, maybe a half-blood or a muggleborn who was in the industry too, someone who he could tour with, and make scandals within the papers by cheating and having kids with random women and being a shitty deadbeat dad. That was obviously the path that he was setting himself on.

Even though she didn't want to think of it, it was where they differed now, and she had to walk away. They had their business together, and that would not change, for now. She often forgot that there was such an age difference between them, but it was funny sometimes how they were reversed. Wasn't he supposed to be the one who was responsible and the one who wanted the things that she did, while she was stupid and partied like crazy? Was this really her life? Was this the way that she was going to be? Broken and alone? Was she going to turn into Xiomara? At least Van never hit her, at least she never went through anything that her sister did, but... this hurt so bad, it physically hurt her. She wanted to find the women, and make them hurt but she knew that it was not his fault.

Oh, god. Oh, GOD. She felt the soft burn at the back of her eyes when he took her hand and she could not help but notice the way they were pulled together the same way they always were. This wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair. He was right there, he obviously loved her, he obviously wanted her. So why should she keep trying to keep herself away? Taking a deep breath she looked away from him and then moved to their fridge to get one of her juice's from the fridge and drank slowly before sitting on the arm of the chair again. She had to put distance between them. No matter how much she wanted him to kiss her, hold her, make love to her she knew it would only make this worse. He had ended it, and she was a fool if she thought any of those things would mean him taking her back.

"I guess I finally found something that I'm good at Vaniel. Though when I go back to school, we might have to get someone to take my place, can't expect me to sit around here all day can we?" Her brothers had a plan for her now that this was over, and she was pretty sure she would just go along with it, even if it made her miserable. The pit in her stomach returned and she moved closer again, leaning her head against his arm for a minute the words were right there on the tip of her tongue. 'I love you, I'm sorry... take me back... I miss you...' but she didn't say them. SHe would be doing neither of them a favor by doing so. "We can't do this forever, you know. Sooner or later... one of us will move on, and I think that will be what hurts the most. " She said quietly before looking at her bag. She needed to leave.

"I don't think its ever going to not hurt, honey, and we have to consider that at some point, we will have to say good-bye for good. Which means I will leave, eventually, Van." Right now they were business owners together, they worked hard together, and had something to focus on. He would move on, or she would and things would get harder. feelings would get hurt, lines would be crossed and things can't be taken back once it's done.

tag: @van // words: 805 // OUTFIT

template by eliza @ TB THQ

WHEN ANGELS FALL WITH BROKEN WINGS

I CAN'T GIVE UP, I CAN'T GIVE IN
WHEN ALL IS LOST AND DAYLIGHT ENDS
I'LL CARRY YOU AND WE WILL LIVE FOREVER, FOR EVER

Moving on was something that Van thought Caterina needed to do. They both did, but it was not something he could ever fully foresee for himself. He was an artist to the core. Writing his pains, playing his pleasures-- and the scar this would leave on his heart would paint playlists for decades if he managed to stay relevant that long. He had wanted to, once. Music was all he thought he could ever want. All he would ever need. He had never imagined that something or someone else could ever top the feeling of a bass in his hands or a mic at his lips. Nothing could beat the rush of a live audience screaming so bloody loud that it struck like wind against his body. And then one day it did.

The exact moment was never clear. The timing of when she had stolen his heart completely was irrelevent anyhow. He had fallen for her in such a way that time itself felt irrelevent. Like he had loved her forever and always would. That was the worst part of all this. The knowing. The knowing that every morning he would look for her from this day until the end of his days. That every room of this house would let him down whenever he walked in to find it empty. Without her this house was just a bloody house. Without her the label was just a recording studio, it meant nothing to him. Every pretty face he would see, every new girl he would lie with, it would mean nothing. It had meant nothing to him, and that was the worst of it as well.

Van didn't know what he expected when he cheated. It all felt like such a haze now. The drifting in and out of hotel rooms, the drinking, the women. Was he expecting some grand realization that he was a free man? That he wasn't his father? What in the seven hells did he want from all this? He wanted to know. He wanted to understand why he had done this, not only to himself but Cat. Hurting himself was nothing new. It wasn't as though he were a novice at living in his own body. Van would hurt himself all the time. Mentally. Emotionally. Every cigarette burned down was just another hit to his physical health, every drink poured when he was past his limit. Van could hurt himself. But how could he have hurt Cat?

Even now he didn't know how he had allowed himself to do it. They had been fighting, sure. All couples do. Especially in times of stress. This was by far the most stressful time of his life and somehow the talk of children had just...broken him. It was a straw on his already overloaded back. On top of re-configuring the band, the sound, his mother's illness, trying to find his place following his father's letter, trying to fit back with a family that had long since glanced over him, and to do so with a wife that he had stolen away from his own brother? By the gods what more stress could he have possibly handled? What more could the universe have thrown his way? A plague? Oh yes! A bloody plague on top of that.

So he had snapped. Absolutely he had snapped. Van would always snap, it was his nature. But the way he had done it. Merlin, he could never forgive himself. He would never ever be able to, and he knew that. From the moment he had opened his eyes and came across the sight of that unfamiliar bump along side him in bed. In his mind it was not something they could come back from. He had disrespected the one person he loved in such a terrifyingly morbid way that he thought there would be no hope for it. Cheyenne's pregnancy only served to drive that nail deeper into his coffin. And for weeks he sat by and watched his wife crumble as a result of his mistakes.

He couldn't do that to her again. He wouldn't. He refused. So he had the papers drawn, and they had separated. And then he had watched her crumble in silence every day after. His heart ached for her in more ways then he could imagine. It wanted peace for her. Tranquility, a love she deserved, a happiness he couldn't provide. He wanted the life for her that he had promised to give, but never delivered. Cat had given him the papers now. He thought that he would have felt better about that. The way that someone feels after doing a good deed. Like he had saved her. Instead it felt like there were holes drilled in his heart and every pump threatened to send the last of his blood spilling into his body. It felt final. It stung. Merlin, it ached so bad he thought he could taste the blood in his mouth. The holes were real, the spilling had to be happening, didn't it?

Van watched her hand slip from his. He felt like flailing-- like reaching out for her as if he were falling from a cliff and not like she was simply walking away. He felt like reaching out for her again. If he could just hold her. Talk to her, not about her leaving, but her staying. Gods, how happy his heart would be to have her stay. To know that she would still be here five minutes from now, ten, twenty, a thousand. To know that the woman sitting on the arm of the chair wasn't... wasn't going to walk out of his life forever.

It was an overwhelming sadness that filled him as she spoke. She was going to leave. Really leave. The papers were really signed. The label was really going to have to go on without her. And in ten minutes from now she would really never be sitting on the arm of that chair ever again. "So you're going back to school?" Van drew in a sigh trying not to let it come out in a disappointed huff. Try as he might he felt it swelling in him. She would be busy she would be away from the studio, away from him. She would be...moving on.

That was the point of this, if he would recall. The point of the divorce and the separation. To let her move on from him. So why did it hurt so badly to hear it out loud? Why did it hurt to see her making the transition? "Yeah," he agreed quickly. His jaw clenched to fight the sting in his eyes and he turned away from her as she continued to lean against his arm. "It'll be for the best in the end though, right? Can't hurt forever. And before we know it this will all just be leftover powder in the floo."

He felt like he was crumpling inside, his shoulders felt heavy and he hated every bloody word that came from his mouth. He hated how it sounded, how it felt, how she might take it. In a way he were wishing it were the truth. That they could move on from this. That she could be happy and find happiness outside of him. Even if that meant that he would be missing her every day. Even if it meant he would be missing her forever. 

@caterina | Outfit | Words: 1239

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0