I just miss you and I just wish you were
_{a better man}

Caterina was almost certain that she was dying, certain that the top of her head was going to blow off and that she was going to die. She was pretty sure that she should have died the night before based on how many of those shots that she had taken. She didn’t remember much of anything, she didn’t even remember getting home. Bless, she must have called Tib and Winnie. Allah, she hoped those two stuck together she liked them together. Maybe they would have a better chance that she and Van did, hopefully, she wouldn’t ever have to feel the way that Cat did. She had stopped talking to anyone about it, she had stopped telling anyone about how she had felt and been keeping her mouth shut when she saw him when she saw everything that she wanted slipping through her fingers. Everything that she had ever wanted had pushed her away, and it had cut her deep but she was going to get the distance that she needed, all of her things from the house were packed up, her part of the office sat in a box in her office and her lawyer was waiting on her signature to walk away from him for good now. From the bands, from the music, from the pain, from the memories.

There were times when she would have done something different when she would have hung on, but hope had been low and she had given up. Not because she wanted to, her heart would hang on to his memories for the rest of her life, but her head, her soul knew that it was better for her to walk away. That she had to do this, she had to be brave but as she woke slowly, and stretched the familiarity of the bed, the smell of the pillows, all sort of came back to her and she realized where she was. Oh, gods. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. This was not good. This was not good at all. What had she done? How the fuck had she ended up here? The one place that she had promised herself that she would never be again. The one place she had refused to go The one place she had wanted to end up more than anything, but this wasn’t going to help things at all.

Moving slowly she looked over at him and her heart squeezed. Gods, how could he still look so perfect? How could he still be the one, even after everything? Laying there she looked at him until the tears starting welling up and then she moved slowly. She didn’t see her pants, or her knickers anywhere so she grabbed the sheet that had ended up on the floor and wrapped it around herself as she began to look for her clothes quietly, trying to not wake him.

If she was able to get out before he woke up, it would be so much better. It would be so much better for her, for him when her lawyers showed up tomorrow to take all of her things. She had made sure that all of her projects were done. Luxx’s album, Z’s album, all the featured songs that she had needed to mix. It was all done. She had nothing left here. No reasons to stay anymore, and even though she wanted to she knew that it would only hurt her more.

Running a hand through her hair that she was pretty sure was fucked, she sighed and finally saw her thong and grabbed it, pulling it on quickly she didn’t hear the man that held her heart moving at all, but when she turned she saw that he was awake and she stopped. Fuck. ”Oh, hey. Sorry, sorry. I’ll be gone in a minute, not a worry….” The last thing she needed was for him to freak out again and make her feel even worse….again.

tag: @van // words: 658 // OUTFIT

template by eliza @ TB THQ

Sometimes, in the middle of
the night, I can feel you again

But I just miss you, and I just wish I were a better man
And I know why we had to say goodbye Like the back of my hand
And I just miss you, and I just wish I were a better man

It had been weeks since he had started therapy. Most people probably went once a week, twice if they really needed it, but Van was not most people. He was going almost every goddamn day. Ellis, the poor bastard, was probably sick of seeing him by now. Especially when he'd just come waltzing into his office whenever he felt the need. The thing of it was that this was important to him. When something became important to Van it showed, just like when he had gotten his first bass. Most kids might have played it here and there, developed a taste for it, set themselves on regular practicing schedules. Van? That bass didn't leave his hands for weeks after he first laid hands on it. He was hooked on it. Much like he grew hooked on other things like tequila, and bad decisions....and Cat.

He had thought that splitting for her was what was best for them. Mostly for her, in his warped opinion. He knew that being apart from her was going to hurt. How badly it was going to hurt had been severely underestimated on his part. Merlin, he'd never felt something like that pain. He had thought that losing his father the way he had was painful. He thought that the memories that plagued him, the way they left things...he had thought that was agony. Things had been left unsaid between he and his father. That was something he just had to live with; the fact that he was gone...it made it easier somehow. Because no matter how much he longed to tell his father the thoughts that plagued his mind he couldn't.

With Cat he could. He hadn't, though he had wanted to. He had wanted to tell her that he still loved her so badly he thought the very phrase would slice through his throat to get to her some days. When he looked at her in the studio, when she delivered the papers, whenever he held his phone in his hands staring at the contact Zawja. He wanted nothing more than to have her back, but he couldn't. Because he had been right. She did deserve better. Better than he was, better than he had ever been, she deserved better. But that didn't exactly mean she didn't deserve him, and he her.

Ellis had helped him to see that, slowly and over weeks he had. She deserved a better man and, by the Gods, he could be one. He could be a better version of himself. Not some other version, but an improved version of what he was. He knew now that what he had been trying to do, who he had been trying to be since their marriage, it wasn't him. It was....it was his father. He was supposed to be some morally upstanding husband, some sturdy father figure to some pureblood brats he was supposed to pump out into the world, and raise a steady home with Lady Caterina Parkinson at his side. It was a lot of pressure. The same pressure he had never been able to conform to as a child, the pressure that had drove a wedge between he and his father. The pressure that his father had relinquished from him in his final letter...

If Myles Parkinson could accept him, then why the hell couldn't he? Why couldn't he accept that this was who he was and to roll with it, just as he always had? Ring or no ring, marriage or no, Lord and Lady or not-- he was Van Parkinson. And he always would be. Caterina was his wife....and she always would be. She had given him the papers to turn over, but he didn't. He just couldn't bring himself to do it. Not yet, anyhow. Not when he was trying to hard to make improvements upon himself. If he became what she deserved and she decided she didn't want him based on his own stupid actions, he would accept it. Merlin, it would hurt like hell, but he would accept it.

Ellis had felt as though he had reached a point, a sort of level of clarity about himself, that it was as decent time as ever to express that to Caterina. And on the day before Valentine's, of all things. He had went in search for her at her family home and at her new flat, but he had turned up empty. Check The Roadhouse, they had told him. She'd be there...drinking him away. They had been right, too. By the time he had gotten there she was already a bit drunk but that didn't stop him from spilling his guts to her. They sat for the longest time talking, laughing, drinking more. By the end of the night he could hardly remember the name of the shots they had become wasted on, let alone his own name. All that he could recall was that she was coming with him, back home, where she ought to have been all along.

As the early morning hours turned into late ones he found himself still laying in bed with his wife. Contented as all hell, aside from the headache that had woke him a time or two. Merlin, those shots had been powerful, but he would take it. As little memory as he had left of the evening, he would take it knowing that she was back in his arms when he awoke. Van hadn't exactly been ready to give up the comfort of her and his bed, but suddenly he had felt her stirring around. He laid there almost waiting for her to clutch him, snuggle against him, and go back to sleep as they always had. But she hadn't. He had felt her leave the bed and the sound of her grabbing a sheet send a hung over, nauseating wave of confusion over him.

He propped himself as she skittered around looking for her things. Van winced against the brightness of the room, despite it's near darkness with the curtains drawn. Finally she seemed to notice him, a weak smirk coming across his face as she stopped. "You'll be gone?" He questioned sleepily, looking over at the time on the alarm clock near his bed. "Where the hell are you going this early?" Van look back at the sheet clad woman with the deer in headlights vibe. He rubbed his eye hazily before waiving for her to come over. "Come back to bed, Cat."

@caterina | Outfit: Well y'know... | Words:1080

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0

I just miss you and I just wish
_{you were a better man}

There had never been anyone one in her life that had ever made her feel the way that Van had. The way that her heart seemed to just know when he was in the room, she knew that he was there without even having to try to find him, the way that he seemed to always make her feel whole. It was kind of insane and extremely intense but it was the love that she had always wanted the thing that she had looked for and every person that she had ever met, and it was gone. He had taken it upon himself to change his mind, to want out and think that she deserves better even though she wanted nothing more than him. It had cut her deeply, but she was getting over it day by day or at least a life that she told herself was so she was getting better she tried to pretend that it didn't hurt, that she didn't miss him but she knew it was a lie every time she closed her eyes all she could say was him all she could hear was him.

He had taken over her life giving her the air that she needed to breathe and then without notice left her gasping for air. It had taken her a while she was slowly getting better learning to let go day-by-day and finally after a very long talk with her mother, she decided that it was best to move on. It was an easy task to drop the papers to separate herself professionally from him, she wouldn't take any of his business or his clients but instead would be moving on to do the things that her family wanted for her. Her father was the most important of all this Fiat never been a fan of her husband never wanted it to happen to begin with I've seen her so sad so lonely had him convinced that the only thing for her to do was to try to get him back, but it hadn't worked.

She was giving up at last that was what had led her to the bar, one last hurrah, before settling into the life that she had always dreaded. She hadn't expected him to come in, or expected any of the things that he had said, he was getting help now, just putting an effort to make a change, and even though she was happy for him for the change that he was making and the life that he was going to leave after she still didn't even know if you wanted her in it or why he was even telling her that. All the help in the world couldn't change things that have been done things that have been said what she wanted still didn't change, and all the therapy in the world wouldn't make him want children the life that she wanted in fact it was everything that he had said multiple times that he did not want.

But this didn't change the way that she felt about him. It didn't change the way that her heart seemed to jump every time he was near her, or the way that him even talking to her sent Thrills through her. She still loved her husband, she loved everything about him, from the way that he called her name the look in his eye when he watched her and the way that he slept as the sun rose. But didn't change the things I had done even if she forgiven him. But what did seem to change was him a lot of the things that he said changed seems like a lot of things that he wanted change to it was easy to fall back into that habit sitting and drinking with Van, and it made her so happy going back to his place and been an easy thing to do too, but it was waking up in his bed that had in the shocker.

It said time and again that this wouldn't be where they ended up again and the last thing that she wanted was for him to look at her and see the disappointment in her eyes when nothing has changed, so she was getting ready to leave but it was the way that he looked at her when he woke up when he realize that she was getting out of bed I got her heart to racing again. Told her to come back to bed and she looked at him watching as she walked over to the bed, and sat down on the edge next to him slowly. ”I was going home… I mean… the last time we talked about us, we agreed this was not how we needed to find ourselves. Distance being good and with the divorce and all, I just assumed…” That you didn't want me anymore… furrowing her brow she looked at him and then tilted her head to the side.

”What the fuck happened last night? She felt horrible, but… she had no idea how they had gotten there or really much of anything that happened after he showed up at the bar.

tag: @van // words: 867 // OUTFIT

template by eliza @ TB THQ

SOMETIMES, IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE NIGHT, I CAN FEEL YOU AGAIN

BUT I JUST MISS YOU, AND I JUST WISH I WERE A BETTER MAN
AND I KNOW WHY WE HAD TO SAY GOODBYE LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND
AND I JUST MISS YOU, AND I JUST WISH I WERE A BETTER MAN

Van had felt good about this. Better than he had thought he would, really. He had admittedly been a nervous wreck most of the previous day trying to gather the courage to tell her just how he had felt. He was prepared to get his heart broken, or so he would tell himself. If she had said she wanted nothing more to do with him he'd had likely drunk himself straight into oblivion on the stool beside her nonetheless. But things hadn't gone South, instead they had started following in the right direction. The direction they had been going in before he had derailed the both of them. He knew now, through working with Ellis, how he had let things get so bad between them. And after last night he held a goal within himself to never allow that to happen again.

Lying in bed with her, knowing that he was given the greatest gift of all he was contented. Merlin, he was more than that, he was elated. Every time she stirred beside him he felt a happiness beaming from his heart. For the first time in a very long time he felt as though things were looking up. But were they? Her utter confusion and desire to leave had set on him slowly in his partially still drunken state. It had been easy to fall back into feeling like nothing had changed at all. Like she was just leaving to meet her sister for tea, or to let the dogs or, or whatever... But suddenly the realization hit that maybe she wasn't entirely willing to allow things to drift to how they had been before. Maybe she, like him on the morning he had awoken to Cheyenne, was feeling like she had made a mistake in coming home with him.

His heart filled with lead and sunk to the pit of his stomach as she spoke. Distance. Divorce. Two very terrible D words to hear in the morning, or at all really. "Last time we talked about us? Cat--" he let out a puff of breathy confusion as he rubbed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. "The last time we talked about us was last night and I had thought that....Well, that we...were..." Van trailed as he reached out for her hand. His dark eyes looking pleadingly at her. Merlin, could he even spit it out. He didn't want to. Not if it meant possibly seeing the features on her beautiful face drop as she had to explain to him that no...no things were not that way. That, maybe, she didn't want them that way after all.

"You don't remember anything?" Van squinted still feeling confused as ever. He had known that she had been a tad bit drunk when he had found her at The Roadhouse, but he hadn't anticipated that she had been that drunk. "You don't remember talking to me last night? About us or lack thereof--" he huffed a weak chuckle, hoping that the replay of words might jog her memory. Though, knowing what those shots had done to him he could honestly see how she wouldn't recall a damn thing at all.

@caterina | Outfit: Ha! | Notes:

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0

I just miss you and I just wish
_{you were a better man}

There were things that she wished that she could take back, regrets that sought her out in the middle of the night. Anxiety sure and sweet would wake her in the middle of the night like icy fingers down her spine, reminding her of her fears and her worries all based on the man who was now looking at her from his bed From the bed that had once been theirs before everything had gone wrong. Rings no longer shone from their hands to represent their ties together and she had come to accept that it was over, even though it hurt her to do it. She knew why they had had to say goodbye, and though she had not wanted it, it was what he had wanted and all she wanted was for her Bael to be happy, she wanted to not cry any more, and that meant letting him go, it meant doing what her father wanted and not fighting him. She had tried her hand at this and was a failure, like she was in most things, so she had prepared to let this go, to put this all behind her and try and forget those nights in Istanbul, and the way he said her name in the middle of the night as he reached for her.

Her family hated that she had gone against their wishes but her mother and her grandparents had accepted her wishes after she had found her loophole. She accepted this, she held her head high, but she was finding that it was getting pretty heavy these days. She held the sheet to her, trying to find some sort of modesty, even if he knew her body probably better than she had. her heart felt heavy and pain filled her heart knowing that this probably only hurt them both more than it had done them any good.

She didn’t remember much of the night before, she didn’t remember anything really after their song came on and he joined her at the bar. She had done a row of shots and then it all got a little fuzzy. Though she had been about four of the six sheets into the wind when he had gotten there, so it was nothing new or different when she drank, but she had been trying to forget. She hadn’t wanted to wake up like this with anyone. She had wanted to sleep all through Valentine’s day and not think about who he would be waking up with. Waking up on Valentine’s day with him had been the last thing that she had planned but here she was and she felt her brow furrow as he spoke.

He reached out for her hand and she let him have it, linking her small fingers with his and wanted to lean in and kiss him softly, she wanted to tell him that she loved him and that she wanted to come home, but she didn’t. She didn’t do anything that her heart screamed for her to do, even as she felt as though she was going to die if she didn’t. She shook her head a little before shifting on the bed so that she could look at him and lean against him. ”I remember the round of shots after I fell off the barstool, I remember laughing really hard, and Beer Quidditch against the owner… winning that bottle of Tequila….” She tried to think about it but the pounding in her chest and in her head made it harder to think and she rubbed her temples before looking at him and reaching her hand to run along his cheek.

”Van… I need you to tell me… Did….. Do you…..” She stopped and leaned and kissed him softly when her voice broke and tried to find some kind of strength before speaking again. ”Do you want me to come home?”

tag: @van // words: 650 // OUTFIT

template by eliza @ TB THQ

SOMETIMES, IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE NIGHT, I CAN FEEL YOU AGAIN

BUT I JUST MISS YOU, AND I JUST WISH I WERE A BETTER MAN
AND I KNOW WHY WE HAD TO SAY GOODBYE LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND
AND I JUST MISS YOU, AND I JUST WISH I WERE A BETTER MAN

Nervousness had never been an issue of Van's. He took everything as it came to him and dealt with it in whatever way it struck him at the time. It called for a bit of drama at times, and he'd been called an arsehole more times than once because of rash reactions. On stage he was fearless. Nay, worse. He would feed off the adrenaline of a performance. It had caused some of the very best and the very worst of their shows. There were so many times he just didn't know when to quit. But now things were different. Now everything felt so...thought out. Premeditated. Finding and talking to Cat being one of those things.

Last night he had let the premeditation come to an end as he found himself two sheets to the wind on Obliviator shots, and practically knocking the door down in their fit of passion hadn't been planned either. He had let himself give in and let them both have what they wanted. And he was fine with that. At the end of the night he had said what he needed to say. He had done what he had promised himself, and Ellis, that he would do. Jumping back in to bed with Cat so quickly probably wasn't right, especially given their drunkeness, but they were them. The electricity between them was never something they could contain or dismiss. And now that the morning light was here he felt his heart flipping around like a downed power line.

"Merlin, you really don't remember a thing. Well, I suppose with shots called Obliviators." Van blew a laugh from his nose, his eyes rolling as he shrugged. There were bits of his memory lost to Tequila as well but he at least had the pleasure of being stone cold sober when he had arrived at the tavern. He was glad, too. Their talk would be something he'd likely cherish always. 

Van's eyes fell locked onto hers as she brushed her hand against his cheek. He had missed this closeness, her skin on his. It had been too long and he knew how bad he had craved it all those months. His dark eyes searched for what she was trying to say as she trailed here and there, falling to look longingly at her lips each time she paused. Until the moment that she fell quiet he hadn't realized how he had been leaning. How he had wanted nothing more than her kiss since the moment he had opened his eyes.

When his lips finally met hers all the tequila in the world couldn't make him forget how much he had missed them. He had wanted them, wanted her back for so long. When she had given him the papers he had nearly broken his own rules. It was the very thing that caused him not to turn them in. The very reason he sought help. He couldn't imagine going forever without her ever again. Van pulled from her short kiss, pressing his forehead against hers as he sat relishing what he had been without. "I do," his dark eyes flicked up to hers earnestly. "If you'll come back I want you to. If you'll be with me then I want it. I want us back, Cat." He'd never been more sure of anything before, not since the day he had decided to marry her in Istanbul. When it came to her he was always sure. She was what he wanted. Always.

@caterina

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0

Better man

I just miss you and I just wish you were a

She had thought that she had lost him for the rest of her life, that they would never be together again and nothing would change that. She had prepared herself for the final goodbye, she had prepared herself to let go, and let God. She would be remarried, she would move on to the life that she should have had, be a respectable lady. She would be fine with any of that, with having her friends look at her like she wasn't insane for loving her husband, or for wanting kids. She didn't want to be treated like she was stupid for anything that she did, but she wanted this man in her life. She knew that she could no have him though and nothing would make it easier. He was everything that she wanted and she had been forced to let him go, and it had meant that she would have to change things. That her life would have to change. For good or naught.

It didn't have to be this way, they never had to break up, but that was on his conscious and not hers. He had asked her for the goodbye. He had asked her for a divorce, and it had changed everything between him. Sometimes she wished that this was all a dream. That the last two months had been her dreaming and having a bad dream about her life and where things were going. It was hard to believe that this was where her life had ended up, and where she had let her stupid heart lead her. She could have done so much worse, but she wished that she didn't have to do any of this hurting. He was everything that she had wanted, everything that she had needed but their time apart had changed them, it had changed the way that she looked at him.

"Not just the shots of that. Beer, tequila, vodka, and the two joints I had before I even got to the bar..." She said before laughing a little. It had been the last hurrah... the last time for her to go out and live, her life, but she had found so much more. She had gotten her life back and she smiled softly as her eyes watered up and she lifted one of those beautiful hands to kiss it. She closed her eyes when he said that he wanted her back, and she felt a tear roll down her face before she nodded and kissed him again. This time with all the fire that she had felt over the last two months. "I want us back too, Bael." She said when they broke apart and shifted to sit beside him.

tag: @van words: 455 template by eliza @ tb & thq