just like dust

we settle in this town

On this broken merry go 'round

If she thought that she could have explained what she was doing, she would have called them. She would have called them both and asked them to help her. But Narcissa wasn’t sure that she could even begin to explain to them what she was doing… Desirae, maybe. She thought that, unfortunately, Desirae might have understood why she had decided that she had to go back.

Draco wouldn’t. He wasn’t going to understand this choice at all. This choice that she hadn’t even brought up to Lucius yet. Because she wanted to have all of her stuff with her when she asked, begged, for forgiveness. She knew that if she didn’t, she was going to end up backing down. She wouldn’t ask. She wouldn’t be ready. And she didn’t think that she was going to completely pack. Not everything. She… Well… An escape route. She had always needed an escape route. Just in case.

That was what this room was supposed to have been all along. It was just supposed to have been an escape route. Somewhere to go to cool off. To make sure that things weren’t really that bad. And they weren’t. Things were never that bad. She should have gone home. But she had been working, and it had been convenient to be right here… And then it had been one or two nights at a time. A week. And all of a sudden, she was here more than she was there. All of a sudden, she lived here. And made appearances there.

That was wrong. That wasn’t where she belonged. This wasn’t her place. And it had been wrong to be gone so long. He was right. Lucius was right. It was her fault. This was all her fault. And she knew that she needed to go back there. Did she forgive him? No. She didn’t. She wasn’t sure that she ever could. Did she want to? Somedays. When he was being kind. When he was softer, more like the boy that she had known all of those decades ago, yes, she wanted to forgive him. But there were other times when she didn’t. When she wished that he had all of the pain that she did. When she wished he knew, even half, of what she went through when she closed her eyes.

She took a deep breath and ran her hand through her long, blonde hair. She’d never cut it short. She knew that she took pride in her appearance. That her hair was a part of that. But she didn’t think that she would ever cut it. It was a safety next. Her hair had been her savior more than once over the years. It blocked her view. It could cover a nasty bruise. She knew that it was something that she needed, but today it was just in her way.

The elves were packing, and Tinky was directing. Taurus was weaving in and out of them, not quite understanding what was going on. He was going to like the Manor. She thought as she watched him run around the apartment. There would be more room to run. And he could chase Lucius’s bloody peacocks. He loved those things, and she… Well, she hated them. But she knew that they hadn’t broken the rules. They hadn’t run away. She had. She had upset the balance. She had broken routine. Not the peacocks. Her. She was the one that had done this. She was the one that had to fix it.

That was her job. Right? She was the one that had broken it. She had to fix it. Even if she hadn’t broken it in the first place. She was the wife. She was the witch. She was supposed to clean up the messes. And this mess. This was her own to clean up.

That was what she kept telling herself. Over and over again, and she watched the elves pack what had been her world for the last two years. She had to clean up her mess. Because admitting anything else was a weakness that she couldn’t afford. She couldn’t need him. The feeling of someone coming up behind her made her jump, and Narcissa flinched away from the presence, before she realized just whom it was. “Draco!” Her surprise was clear all over her face, “What are you doing here?”

Draco Malfoy • 729 • narcissa's outfit

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JUST LIKE DUST

WE SETTLE IN THIS TOWN

ON THIS BROKEN MERRY GO 'ROUND

This was so much better than last term. He only had to teach two periods at Hogwarts: a ten am class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He had four classes he was teaching at Bangor; those all had TAs to cover labs and do the marking, thank Merlin. None of his Bangor classes had lectures on Friday. He had loads of time to be at Desiderium. It was good. Things were great with Perenelle. Life felt like it was going well.

Which probably meant disaster was looming not too far away. He was trying not to think like that though. Positivity was meant to be good for the overall health--or so several of his fellow professors kept telling him, especially the one who had realized he battled with depression. The wizard was doing better with that these days. He still had worries, though. He couldn't just shut his brain off. Something that often made him worry was his mother. So, he tried to come see her often.

He knew the way up to her room well. He headed there as soon as he did not spot her downstairs. Usually he would have sparred a few moments to talk to Rae, but she was busy with a customer, so he just went on up. He and his sort of sister had talked recently enough for him to feel like he had a decent idea of how things had been going with his mother during his absences.

But he was not prepared at all for what he found upstairs. First, the door to his mother's suite was open. There were boxes in the hall. Not many, but still some. He entered her room and even though the woman had not lain eyes on him, she must have perceived him--her jerk away hurt him, not because he felt as if she was drawing away from him, but because it was a reminder to him of the things he knew she had endured. He hated that she had known pain enough to have such fear instilled in her. It stoked the anger and resentment he felt for his father.

Narcissa clearly wasn't expecting him. But her surprise was nothing compared to his own (at least in his mind, it wasn't). "What are you doing?" He asked, ignoring her question. He was clearly here to visit her. "Redecorating?" The wizard asked, not even thinking of the possibility that she might be going back to Wiltshire. He could not fathom any reason she would do that. His father deserved to be alone. He had failed them. He did not deserve her. Draco wanted nothing to do with the man--and he wanted his mother far away from him. 

@ mother. • 451 • outfit

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WE SETTLE IN THIS TOWN

ON THIS BROKEN MERRY GO 'ROUND

Narcissa was not her sister, either one of her sisters. They were both far stronger than she had ever been, and that had meant that their lives had all been conducted in different manners. Bella, being the eldest had escaped first. Rodolphus had married her, and while the blonde reslly did despise her brother-in-law a good majority of the time, she knew that in that one thing he had been a savior. He had saved Bella. And she wondered sometimes if he had been what had kept Andromeda from losing who she was too… Not that she thought that she was ever going to be allowed to find out, but the question remained.

She knew that they did not discuss anything personal for a reason. There was a plethora of unasked questions that surrounded them when they were together. Things that they both wanted to ask, that the other didn’t want to hear. Things that they should have asked, but already knew the answers to. Narcissa kept a couple of points of separation from her sister in most things. It was easier that way. There were fewer connections, and fewer reasons for either of their husbands to have to tolerate one another.

It was a poor excuse, and she knew it, but she wondered if her relationship with her sister would have been different if she hadn’t been married to Rodolphus? If she would have chosen something else… She knew for a fact that it would have been completely different if she would have married Rabastan. Maybe everything would have been different if she would have had both of her sisters in her life. If she would have had Andromeda around during the war… Maybe it would have been easier. Maybe she could have helped protect her…

Bella had never protected her, and she knew why. Her eldest sister had been enamored with the man that they had all called Master. But he had never been Narcissa’s master. She was not one of them. She would never have been. Her loyalties would always be to her son, and to her husband. Lucius was… Complicated. Her relationship with her husband was quite complicated, but she knew that she had to repair it. Now, more than ever, she needed to fix what it was that she had broken, because if she didn’t, she was likely to lose herself. And falling down that path would be irrecoverable.

If she lost herself now, she wasn’t going to be strong enough to pull herself back up. And if she went back to him, if she had to please him. If she had to keep herself together, and be the Lady Malfoy again, then she was quite certain that she could find it within herself to function at an almost normal level. She could find normal again, and it was funny to her, in a very non-comical way, that being around him made her whole, when she could so easily find herself broken there. It was simply a different type of broken. It was a different type of existence.

And it was the type of existence that she could depend on, to stay alive. Lucius would not let her die. He would keep her alive. And she needed someone that was going to keep her alive. Someone that was not Draco and was not Desirae. It was not their job to take care of her. It was not supposed to work in that direction. She was the one that was supposed to take care of them. She was the one that was the parent in this situation, and while she knew that Desirae had children of her own, she was not going to be worrying about Narcissa like that. Not in the ways that she needed someone to worry about her if she stayed here.

She had scared herself, when she had asked for anything sharp to be taken away. She had been frightened of what she may have done, and that was not a way to live. That was not a way to exist, even. No, she had to go back. She had to go back to where that was never an option. Where she had to stay alive. And if she did hurt herself, if she found herself needing that escape, that release, she would think twice. Because she could not hide it from Lucius there, and he would be so disappointed in her…

“Packing.” Her answer was soft, and she didn’t meet her son’s eyes as she corrected him. She wasn’t simply redecorating, she was packing. And he wasn’t going to like it. She knew that he wasn’t. But she also knew that she couldn’t truly tell him why she needed to either. That was something that she would have struggled to admit to him. To admit that truest weakness would have made her feel even smaller than she did now.

@ please don't be mad at me • 818 • narcissa's outfit

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JUST LIKE DUST

WE SETTLE IN THIS TOWN

ON THIS BROKEN MERRY GO 'ROUND


Stage one: Denial

There was nothing that could prepare Draco for the words that his mother delivered to him. His face twisted in surprise. The handsome features betrayed his inability to process the snippet of information. She had given him one word. One word and it had sent the wizard spiraling through the stages of grief. Denial hit him first. She could not be possibly moving back to the Manor. That was not what this meant. She just must have been going to go to a different suite. 

That had to be it... 

His lips fumbled over words, but he managed to push them off his tongue: "What?" His brow was furrowed as he looked from her to the elves and back again. Slack-jawed with his mouth open, he tried to reconcile what was happening. He couldn't do it. His mind would not go there. He would not even dare the thought---as if him thinking about her going back to his father would be enough to set her on that path. She did not need to be near Lucius. The Malfoy patriarch only brought pain and disaster onto them. He did not care about them--not really. Lucius Abraxas Malfoy was only concerned with power and self-preservation. He was a selfish, self-centered, cold-hearted bastard. And that was Draco speaking of him kindly. The wizard deserved much worse labels. 

After a few drinks, Draco might have been more inclined to rattle them off... and if Narcissa was really going back to Malfoy Manor, then he would be needing those drinks. But maybe she wasn't. A flicker of hope sprung up in him. Maybe she just wanted a space with more light--maybe she wanted to come stay with him in his flat in London. He would welcome her  there. He would move her in with him without a second thought if it would keep her away from his father. Draco cared about keeping Narcissa safe. She was the most important person in his life. She could not go back to the hell that was Malfoy Manor. There were too many  horrible memories there. Sure, there were good ones, too. Memories from before the darkness swallowed their family up... but that darkness, that pain, that suffering: it all could be laid at the feet of Lucius. 

Narcissa could not be around that man. Draco could not accept it. He could not trust it. He  did not know all the sins his father committed against his mother, but he knew enough. He knew enough to know that she could not really be safe living under the same roof with Lucius. If his father got her back to Wiltshire, that would just be the first step. Lucius would pull her in more and more, because Narcissa was for him. She belonged to him--and if she accepted that again. She would be pushed more into the roll of being his wife. It would just be a matter of time before she quit work here at the inn. Lucius would draw her away from her support systems and make it so he was who she had to lean on. Draco did not like it--and more than that, he did not trust it. His father could not be depended on to keep Narcissa safe and happy. 

Draco pulled a hand over his face. Disbelief still colored his features when his eyes found her face again. "Why?" He needed her to explain the situation to his mind. He needed her to tell him that she was not going to back to Wiltshire, back to that devil of a man. That just could not be what the future was going to hold for them. 

@ mother. • 610 • outfit - Draco right now.

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JUST LIKE DUST

WE SETTLE IN THIS TOWN

ON THIS BROKEN MERRY GO 'ROUND

Going back to the Manor went against everything that she had been trying to do for the last two years. There was no part of her that didn’t see that. But there was so much more to it than that. There was so much more to her decision, and she wished that she could explain it. She wished that she could tell him the truth, but there were parts of her truth that she didn’t want Draco to know. There were things that a son should not have to bear for his mother. And she believed that. Whatever she could continue to protect him from, she would.

The scars on her arms were not as easy to hide without magic, and she was sure that he had seen them. But he didn’t know how bad it had gotten. She didn’t think that there was any reason to burden him with that. To make things harder on him when they had already put him through hell. She didn’t think that she was ever really going to forgive herself for that. They hadn’t been the best parents. They had tried. Salazar, they had tried. But they had failed at every turn.

Narcissa thought that they had done more damage than they had helped prevent. And she didn’t know how to remedy that. She didn’t think that it was even possible now. But she would do what she could to stop from making it any worse. And that meant that she wasn’t going to let him see the worst of it. She wasn’t going to let him find out how close she had been to dead. How close she had been to ending it all herself. And she had been. She had been so very close. A few more minutes, and it would have made a difference.

But that was going to have to be behind her now. The last time neither one of them would talk about. No one but Dia needed to know. And it could be that simple. Luckily, they had still had their magic. If she would have done it a couple of weeks later… But Narcissa knew that she couldn’t keep thinking like that. She had to pull it together. If she was going home, she had to steel herself for Draco’s reaction. Because it wasn’t going to be a good one. “Packing. I’m packing.” He had heard her. She knew that he had heard her. But she repeated herself anyway.

He could be angry. He would be angry. But there were some things that she simply couldn’t explain. There were some things that were stronger than even she was. And Lucius was one of those things. For her, there would always be a part of him that had been that white knight. There was a part of her that clung to the hope that he could be that man again. That he would save her again. This time from herself.

It was foolish, and she knew that it was foolish. But that hope was still there. She had walked away from him. Put distance between them. There were plenty of times when she was sure that she hated him. But it was all so complicated. Because beneath all of that. Beneath everything that had happened in their lives. There was still that flicker of something else. Still that warmth, and the hope. And if she could keep that little bit of hope alive, she was always going to love him. He was the only man she had ever loved. And Narcissa didn’t believe in Fate. She didn’t believe that there was only one person out there for everyone.

But she was pretty certain that he was the only man that she was ever going to love. “I need to.” Her words were soft, softer than they would have been answering anyone else. She knew that he already knew. That he had to know where it was that she was planning on going. But she didn’t want to tell him. She didn’t want to have to tell him, to his face, that she was going back to his father. Not when she knew how well that was going to go. “I need to go home.”

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