you can count on me
_{I'm Here for you}

Draco was not sure what to do. He was worried about his mother. She was fragile. He knew just how close she had come to the edge before...and now--now she had none of her mental barriers to protect herself from all the horrors in their past. His father was useless in providing legitimate emotional support to anyone. So, care for her fell to him. But he had no clue where to even start.

This felt all too familiar to him. It was as if he was having to rebuild his life again. Just as he had done after Voldemort fell. Just as he had after he had gotten free of the work camp. This was just one more restart. Draco was changed from the boy he had once been. He had lost some of his arrogance, and regained other pride for reasons other than just familial riches and blood status. As a child, he never would have thought of his mother working at all, much less in an inn in the middle of nowhere. It was good for her, he thought, though, to have something to busy herself with--and to keep her from the memories that so heavily tarnished Malfoy Manor. Before the Dark Lord had taken over his childhood home, he had thought of the place as cold, but still home. Voldemort changed all that. Draco could not pass through the place without memories of those dark times pushing in on him. He was sure it was far worse for his mother.

It was still odd sometimes to think that she lived here. Just as it was odd sometimes to think how he never wanted to live in the Malfoy ancestral home. That manor had been built a thousand years ago on land gifted to his ancestor by the king at that time. Ten generations of Malfoys had lived there. But he was not going to. Not ever again. He just couldn't. Voldemort (and by extension Lucius) had ruined the place for him. 

Talking to Desirae had not made Draco feel any better about the situation with his mother. He was not sure what to expect when he knocked on her door. "Mum, you in there? It's me..." Draco called. He waited patiently, listening for noise on the other side of the door. Rae had said she was in there. Would she pretend not to hear him? He knew she could not have a charm on the door that would block sound from reaching her. Just like his, her magic was gone. So, he waited--hoping that seeing him might be something good for his mother. 

@narcissa
OUTFIT | 450

unsinkable ships, sink

unbreakable walls, break

sometimes the things you think could never happen
happen just like that

Desirae had come here earlier, and Narcissa had been hard pressed to let her in. There was nothing that she, or anyone else could do, to help this. If she thought that there were, she would have tried it by now. She had done that before, after all. She had tried. The only difference was that then, she had had something to help her. Something that she could hide behind. Now there was no such thing. She didn’t have the walls that she needed. She didn’t have rows and rows of stacked and tucked away boxes in her mind. There was no organization to the chaos, not anymore.

Without magic Narcissa was lost. Drowning. She had never been a strong swimmer, not really. Instead she had built a boat. She had built a boat that she thought was unsinkable. But it turned out, that even unsinkable ships, could sink. Crash down into the waves below, and leave you stranded, treading water, but eventually, you were going to get tired. Eventually, the rolling waves would pull you under, and then what? Then where would you be?

Drowning. On dry land.

That was what was happening to her. She wasn’t strong enough, and she knew it. Narcissa had known for a long time that she wasn’t strong enough to do this on her own. But she had had magic. She had had something to hold her up. Something to keep her afloat. There was nothing now. She was on her own. She was on her own and lost. Two things that were very bad for her to be. Because one of the two, she could reconcile. She could find her way again. She could pull herself back above the tide. But both? Both were like anchors, pulling her down into the deep black of the water. The stillness, underneath the crashing, and churning. The void that was even more dangerous than the waves.

Narcissa knew that she had to try harder, but she didn’t think that she could. Living with everything that was in her head. Living with the things that she had never bothered to deal with, the things that she had simply tucked away… It was a lifetime. There was a lifetime of pain. A lifetime of hurt, that now rested right behind the icy blue of her eyes. No longer was there an impenetrable wall of frozen steel there. No longer was she able to block everyone, and everything from her mind. It was all right there, the ice thin enough to fall through with every step.

She was fragile, in a way that she hadn’t been since she was a girl. Since before she had taught herself to protect her mind. Since before she had turned everything off. Shutting herself down. Pulling everything in. That was how she had learned to survive, and even then, there had been moments when it wasn’t enough. Moments when she was sure that she was going to break. And there had been moments that she had broken. Pulled back from the very brink, in only the nick of time. There was no telling where that line was now. She had known, before. She knew just how far she could let her walls down. Just how far she was going to be able to go. Now there was nothing.

Nothing.

That was all she had to go on. All she had to figure out how to learn to swim. To breathe. To survive.

The knock on the door was surprising. Desirae had already been here. The maids had been in this morning before that. Narcissa was expecting no one. And then she heard his voice. Draco. That didn’t make sense. It was a Wednesday. He should have been at the school. He shouldn’t have been here at all. Maybe she was imagining things. Maybe she had finally reached the point of hallucinations. That made sense. She was imagining it…

Looking over at Taurus, who had been asleep on the floor at the end of the sofa, she knew that she hadn’t. He had looked up, ears alert, staring at the door where her son’s voice had come from. If there was anyone that that dog loved more than Draco, she didn’t know who it was. Certainly not her. “Taurus…” Her voice was quiet, she didn’t want it to carry through the door to her son, but the dog didn’t listen. And he was up and had jumped on the door. There was going to be no hiding from him now, he knew better than to think she had left the dog in here alone.

@ my light in the dark • 771 • narcissa's outfit

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

you can count on me
_{I'm Here for you}

 Worry rested heavy on the wizard’s shoulders. Taking the position at the school had seemed inconsequential at first. He had always worked long hours…whether at Aurora or the work camp. So, it had seemed logical that being required to be on the Hogwarts grounds certain hours beyond the usual work hours for a normal person had not really bothered him. He had thought he would still have plenty of time to visit his mother when he had the hours to spend away from the campus. But then this sickness came. Unlike the other drastic changes in his life, Draco had no way to see this one coming. No one did. The wixen world had just been turned upside down. What was normal at any point in his history was lost now…

It was bizarre…and scary- Draco had grown accustomed to living with fear and uncertainty during his teen years. After Voldemort had set him on an impossible mission, the Malfoy had teetered on the brink of insanity, sinking into a deep and consuming depression. If not for Myrtle and Astoria…and of course, the love for his mother, Draco might not have found the strength to fight against his darkest thoughts.

He was besot with worry that those same dark thoughts were laying siege to his mother now. She was such a remarkable woman—he had seen great strength in her…but she, also, had a fragility to her. The cracks showed sometimes in her porcelain. He saw. Rea, too, he assumed knew the secrets of his mother’s struggles and of what had been done to her. As he understood it, she had known struggles of her own in the past. Perhaps that shared pain had been part of what drew the two women close. He would not wish that suffering on them, but he was thankful for their companionship. It was good for Narcissa to have someone other than just him to count on.

She should have been able to count on her husband…but Lucius had been a terrible disappointment for decades now. Draco often wished the man would just die. At least then maybe his mother would find a companion that could give her security and support. Draco had toyed with killing him at various points throughout his life. Patricide seemed befitting for the sins Lucius had committed against both son and wife. But Draco did not have a murderer’s heart. He never had. Not even the hate he had in his heart for Lucius was enough to bring that particular Unforgivable to his lips. His love for his mother, though, that might have been enough to drive him to it. The wizard just wasn’t sure that life would really be any better for Narcissa if Lucius was gone in the permanent sense. It was not as if the pair cohabitated…and as she was, he could not see her entertaining a suitor. But it was still something to think on—

The witch had not immediately come to the door. But Draco was sure she was there. Taurus gave her away. The yips and barks of the corgi leaked through the door. ”That’s a good boy, Taur,” he cooed, a little grin flashing on his face at the dog’s excitement. It was a relief, too, to know that his mother was there. She would not have left her boy alone. There just was no chance of that in his mind. She was there…and Taurus was going to be the key to making sure she opened the door. “Go get mum, Taur, go get her! Go get her!” The Malfoy encouraged, talking to the dog in a higher pitched tone than he would ever use otherwise. He didn’t have any pets himself. He had kept an owl for a long time, but when the grand creature had passed, Draco had not replaced him.

Draco suddenly wished he had brought some kind of gift for his mum. The fact that it was taking this long for her to answer the door caused a very unpleasant feeling in the pit of his stomach. Was he going to have to try to tear this door down? Was he strong enough to do that? He kept fit, but breaking down a door was not something he had ever even attempted before. He had always had magic—resorting to manual force had never even crossed his mind. He would try knocking again if Taurus wasn’t able to coax Narcissa to the door—and then, if he was still left out here in the hallway, he’d go find Viktor. The Krum had gotten sick last Draco heard. He would be able to let Draco in.

mum open the door
OUTFIT | 775

UNSINKABLE SHIPS, SINK

UNBREAKABLE WALLS, BREAK

SOMETIMES THE THINGS YOU THINK COULD NEVER HAPPEN
HAPPEN JUST LIKE THAT

If she could catch her breath, Narcissa thought that she could make it. One day at a time. That was the only way that she was going to make it through anything. She kept her head above water one day at a time. And some days were more exhausting than others. Some days she was drowning, and those were the days when she thought that it might just have been better if she wouldn’t have lived this long to start with.

And she wasn’t old. Narcissa was well aware that she was only middle-aged for a witch, and a young middle-aged at that. With lifespans as long as they had, she had ninety or so more years of hell to suffer through. Well, medicine said that she had ninety years. Her mind said something different. Especially if there was no magic ever again. Without magic, without the stability that she had found in hiding behind her walls of icy steel, Narcissa didn’t think that she was going to make it that long. She knew that she wouldn’t.

She would drown.

She would drown in the thoughts that swirled through her mind. In the memories of the past that hurt her more than she ever thought that they could have. With magic there had been something there to dull the pain. With magic there had been a barrier between herself and the exposure that letting those memories loose would cause. Secrets were secrets for a reason. And she knew that there were those that she had forgiven. And she knew that there were those that she would never forgive. Lucius was on the latter list.

Narcissa could forgive a lot of things. She could look the other way. She could pretend that things had not been done by choice, but by powers that were beyond control. She could tell herself those things, those pretty lies, and she could handle herself in a situation where the need arose. Narcissa could sit at a table with her sister, and her brother-in-law, and she could not even flinch when Rodolphus Lestrange looked in her direction. She could forgive those that had hurt her. All but one. She would never forgive Lucius.

And he hadn’t hurt her. He hadn’t touched her. But she hated him. She hated the fact that he had done nothing. And that he had been angry with her. The choices that she had made, after everything that had happened, Narcissa had done what was right for her son. Hers. Not theirs. He bore his father’s name. And the responsibility of the family name was on his shoulders, but he was her son.

Malfoy. She had carried the name for three and a half times longer than she had carried the name that she had been born with. She was just as much Malfoy as she was Black, but Narcissa thought that they were both a burden. The names of two men that she could never forgive. Two men that had hurt her in different ways. But she knew that she would carry them for the rest of her life. This arrangement that they had settled into, it was working, most of the time.

There were still plenty of people that thought that she lived in Wiltshire, with Lucius, like she was supposed to. Narcissa knew when to get dressed, and when to smile, and what to say. She could show up there, or anywhere, on his arm, and she could smile, and she could play the part. And then she came back here, and she took a bath in water that was so hot she nearly burnt herself. And she scrubbed every place that he had touched her until her skin was nearly raw. She hated him. But she was his wife, and she knew how to do that. She knew exactly what was expected of her in that role.

Luckily, he had left her alone. Since she had gotten sick, he had left her alone. And Narcissa thought that that was for the best. If he showed up here, if he sent a letter, bidding her to come home for something, she would have to pull it together, and she would have to go. But she thought that even Lucius was bright enough to see that it might very well kill her this time, if he tried to make her leave this room.

Narcissa did her best to put all of those thoughts out of her mind when Taurus took off for the door, and she was met with the sound of her son’s voice. The tone he was using she thought that she had only ever heard him use with the dog before. When he bounded back over to her and put both of his front paws on her leg, she shook her head at him. “Why do you not listen to me that well?” Running her hand through her loose curls, she gathered her sweater around herself, and stood up. Heading for the door she tugged her sleeves down so that they were nearly over her hands, and she shook her head at Taurus. “Get down.”

With one last soft sigh she unlocked the door handle and pulled it open far enough that she could see her son, without letting Taurus escape around her leg. “You best come in, or he’ll be out in the hall trying to get to you…”

@ i'm fine • 903 • narcissa's outfit

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

you can count on me
_{I'm Here for you}

The debate about whether he should go get Viktor or not ended up being a fairly short one. Taurus had done well and sounds of the dog retreating were followed not long after by the telltale clicks of the lock being disengaged. He smiled, pleased with just a hint of satisfaction mingled with relief. It wasn't as if he had actually thought she was dead, but it was still good that she wasn't. He hoped things were not so bad for her that the risk of that was high, but with him not being able to check in as often as he would have liked, he could not really be sure. Draco had to just trust that Rae was watching out for him mum. He knew that Desirae loved Narcissa or he would have had to just resign from Hogwarts. Someone had to reliably be there for the woman. 

The words he was greeted with were not particularly warm ones, but they had a little sass to him that eased away some of his worries. His mother had a bit of sassiness to her--if that was still showing, it was definitely a good thing. The blond grinned at her and eased his way into the suite. He wrapped his mum up in a hug. "Hi, Mum," he tacked on a teasing little bit after his greeting to try to make things playful: "it's good to see you even if you didn't want to let me in." Draco popped a kiss on the woman's cheek before stepping back to address his partner in crime who was bouncing happily about eager for the man's attention.

"AND HI TAURUS! Oh my goodness, who is a good boy?!?" His voice elevated again, up to a falseotto range as he dropped down to one knee. His hands ruffled the dogs fur, flopping his ears back and forth. "That's you! You're a good boy-- yes, you are! You did such a good job! You wanted to see me--didn't you?! Yes. Yes, you did!" The Malfoy gushed at the dog in a playful proud tone. Taurus jumped up, putting his two front paws on Draco's chest and the man leaned down letting Taurus 'hug' him--which really equated to the dog nuzzling his head into the crook of Draco's neck and Draco leaning his head over on top of the dog's. The play between the pair went on for another few minutes before Draco dropped on down to just sit on the floor. Taurus would sit next to him for a second and then run around the man in a circle before sitting down again on the other side, always eager for more petting.

Steel blue eyes went up to the woman every so often, though, throughout the play session. He was assessing the little details. Did it look like she had been eating? sleeping? Were there any visible signs she had hurt herself? The long sleeves tugged over her hands made it difficult to know for sure. He could only hope she was making it through. "How are you?" He asked, his gaze staying on her as he awaited a response. An answer like fine was not going to cut it. He needed more than that. Otherwise he would just be staying here and Hogwarts could bugger right off. 

mum+one very good doggo
OUTFIT | 550+

UNSINKABLE SHIPS, SINK

UNBREAKABLE WALLS, BREAK

SOMETIMES THE THINGS YOU THINK COULD NEVER HAPPEN
HAPPEN JUST LIKE THAT

She wasn’t dead. And she knew that that’s what her son, and Desirae, were worried about the most. She knew that they were, because Draco knew the whole truth, and she thought that Desirae was smart enough to have guessed. But she didn’t want that to be on them. She didn’t want to be that burden to either of them. And so, she would not be dead.

Of course, that probably wasn’t the most comforting thought in the world. But she wasn’t going to do that to them. She wasn’t going to go that far. Even in the state that she was in now, she knew where that edge was. Narcissa wasn’t going to claim to know where the shallow bit fell off suddenly into the deep end. Because she was sure that it was nowhere close to where she imagined it to be. She was sure that one wrong step would send her right over it. But for now, she was okay. For now, she thought that she was going to be fine. And if she could just keep her head above water, then it would all work out for the best.

There were moments when she wasn’t sure that she was going to be able to pull that off, but she was managing. For the most part, she was managing. The less she slept, the less chances there were for the dreams to seep in. And she knew that she needed to get her hands on some dreamless sleep potion. But she hadn’t left the hotel in weeks now. And she didn’t exactly think that she was just going to ask for something like that. She supposed that she could send Tinky to go and get some, but she also didn’t want to send the elf on errands like that. That wasn’t her job.

Perhaps she would pay one of the maids that she trusted to keep a secret from Desirae, and from her son, to go and get her some. There had to be something that would make this all go away. She thought that there was going to be something that she could find to make all of this go away. To make the pain disappear. Something that was a little more healthy than actual pain, or not sleeping. Both of which seemed to be decent enough options most of the time. Narcissa had to escape the dark and twisty depths of her mind, and those depths only got worse the longer that she went without sleep.

Making sure that her smile was soft, and warm, she shook her head at him, and kissed his cheek in return. “No one ever said I didn’t want to let you in.” They both knew that she hadn’t wanted to. They were both well aware of how long it had taken her to come to the door. “But hello, Darling.” She realized that she hadn’t actually told him hello and she couldn’t help but shake her head as he shifted his attention entirely to the dog that she had gotten for a companion. Of course, he liked Draco better.

Heading back for the couch Narcissa pulled her feet up under her as she watched her son play with the dog on the floor. They should have had a dog when he was a boy. It would have been so much better for him than all of Lucius’s bloody peacocks. But there was nothing to be done about it now she supposed. When Draco shifted to sit on the floor, she raised her eyebrows at him. “Remember I’m here too?” The smile on her face was a little more genuine than it had been when he had arrived, but the corners didn’t meet her eyes, and they fell ever so slightly when he probed about her well-being. “I’m fine… How are you? Shouldn’t you be at work?”

@ seriously, i'm fine • 647 • narcissa's outfit

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

you can count on me
_{I'm Here for you}

Draco bit back the sassy remark that nearly leapt from his tongue when his mother said it had not been voiced that she did not wish to admit him to the suite.  Though his lips were silent, his facial expression betrayed just what he thought of that. Steel grey eyes tilted up at her, pale brows raised--the gaze screaming really?!  But he let it go-- He was inside now. Her resistance to the visit was immaterial now. 

His laughter rang deeply, reverberating off the high ceilings of the fine suite, when his mother asked if he remembered that she was here to. "Taurus, you hear that, mummy is being silly. So silly. Yes. Yes, she is--" His voice kept to that teasing tone, elevating and dipping as his words repeated themselves. Draco ruffled the dog's fur as it bounded around him. The pair were clearly happy to be in each other's company. 

Looking up at his mother, he gave a little huff at her short answer to his question. He would have to circle back around to that to pry for more details. But he would share with her a bit about the state of his own life before pushing. Maybe if he gave, in turn he could get. "I am well- I was out for the day with a group of kids. Field trip to Gráinneog. Portkey took them all back to the school, but I thought I'd come pay you a little visit before I went back myself." He had actually taken the portkey back to Hogwarts with the students, counting them once they were back on the school grounds to make sure none had slipped off--before floo-ing over to the bed and breakfast, but those were extraneous and unnecessary details. Ones he didn't need to share in this conversation--just like he did not need to share that he had seen Rodolphus at the school. He had no interest in talking about his evil uncle with his mother. Bringing up that man could do nothing good for her, or so he believed. 

"Have you eaten dinner yet?" Draco asked, but before he even gave her time to answer, he was continuing on with: "We could share a meal. I'm fine company, you know-" He tilted his face to the side a bit and grinned at his last words--looking adorably arrogant and much younger than his thirty-eight years. He still had boyish charm about him when he made certain expressions. Women loved it, but he normally used it for other means that just trying to cheer up his mum.

mum+one very good doggo
OUTFIT | 450+

unsinkable ships, sink

unbreakable walls, break

SOMETIMES THE THINGS YOU THINK COULD NEVER HAPPEN
HAPPEN JUST LIKE THAT

If she let them in, maybe they wouldn’t worry so much. Logically, she knew that that would work. But Narcissa wasn’t convinced that it would actually work. That they wouldn’t worry that she was being ‘too cooperative’ for some reason. There was no way that she was going to win in this situation. And she was the parent here. She was the one that was supposed to be worrying about them. And here they were. But she had learned long ago that she wasn’t going to be exactly what everyone thought that she should have been. Narcissa didn’t think that she wanted to be what everyone planned for her to be. She wanted to be more than that.

Right now, that was impossible. Right now, she was doing well enough to have opened the door for him. And that was about as good as it was going to get. But she could fake it. She could fake okay. She had been doing it for months now. She could keep doing it, and she would get better at it. So long as she didn’t sleep too much. Sleeping set her back, it made it harder to silence the demons in her mind.

Shaking her head at her son, the blonde witch watched as he played with Taurus. The dog had been a coping mechanism, before she had found a way out of that house. Now he was here because she loved him, and because he hated Lucius. Which was fair, she supposed. Dogs were good at reading character. Did she hate him though?

Yes.

The answer was the only one that protected her. Yes, hating him was easier. It was easier than the other option…

Narcissa resisted the urge to roll her eyes when Draco huffed at her answer. Well, what had he really expected that she was going to say? Gráinneog had been an interesting choice when Draco had first talked about it, and even now Narcissa was sure that her husband had plenty of opinions on what it was that Draco had chosen to study. It wasn’t that she hadn’t had her own reservations. But time changed people, she knew that, and she had had to watch time and time again as it, and circumstance, had changed her son over and over again.

Somehow, she thought that Draco wasn’t being entirely honest with her either, but she didn’t think that she needed to pry. He seemed okay. Even if she knew that everything that was going on with losing their magic had affected them both more than they wanted to talk about. Especially given the fact that Lucius still had his. He hadn’t been touched by this, and somehow, she had felt more betrayed by that than anything. That it hadn’t gotten to him too.

“I…” But before she could even answer him, he had kept talking, and she felt a shadow of a smile creep onto her lips. She knew what he was doing, she wasn’t foolish. Sick, perhaps. In more ways than she wanted to admit. But she wasn’t foolish. And eating with her was a surefire way to make sure that she actually ate. “We can call down and have something sent up. What would you like? A treacle tart?” Looking up at her like that from the floor, Narcissa saw the little boy that she had brought into this world and taught to fly a broom. The boy that she had been so protective of, and not the grown man that the years had turned him into, the man that she was so proud of.

@ i know what you're doing • 600 • narcissa's outfit

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

Unbendable steel bends

If the fury of the wind is unstoppable

I've learned to never underestimate the impossible

Playing with Taurus was a good way to make the interaction with his mother lighter--he could roll around in the floor with the dog and not immediately push for answers and confirmations of her well being. He could observe her. He could see how much spark was still in the woman--and use that to judge just how dire the situation might be. Rae had told him how little Narcissa left her room these days. It was alarming. He really needed to be  around more.

He should have moved here instead of to Hogwarts. That would have been the responsible course of action. But there had been no way to know that the epidemic was coming. When he accepted the professorship at Hogwarts, all had been well. Relatively speaking, of course. His mother had been happy, it seemed, here with the Krums. He had felt secure and comfortable with the idea of only being able to see her once a week or so. That had been his habit for awhile, anyway, since she had come to Scotland--since he had been out of the work camp. Life was okay.

Life was not really okay anymore. And Draco found himself at a loss for what to do about it. Magic had been stripped from the majority of the United Kingdom's wixen population. The world did not make sense at all--and some where feeling the loss of their abilities more than others. He could see his mother was struggling. He could hypothesize why, but he had no fix, no answers, and that was infuriating. He was a man who sought, crafted, and provided solutions. It was what he had done at Lucent. It was what he did now at Desiderium. He was incapable of inaction, but what could he do now?

Be here. Make sure she ate. Make sure she smiled. Those were the things he could do---so he was trying his best to do them. She had the corners of her mouth upturned now--There was some sass in coming off her tongue. This was good. 

"I'm sure we can find something better than Treacle Tart." Draco countered. A grin twitched on his lips as he looked up at his mother. There was a glint of amusement and challenge in his eyes, but still the man's icy blue gaze managed to be soft and pleading. His worry and affection for the woman showed on his face. "We should go to Aubrey's." Draco suggested. It was the finest spot to dine in Glasgow and he would love to eat there rather than the castle tonight. The food at Hogwarts was fine, it kept people alive, but it was certainly not Aubrey's. 

@ i'm determined to get you out of this room • 450 • outfit

MADE BY VEL OF GS + ADOX 2.0

UNSINKABLE SHIPS, SINK

UNBREAKABLE WALLS, BREAK

SOMETIMES THE THINGS YOU THINK COULD NEVER HAPPEN
HAPPEN JUST LIKE THAT

TW: Suicidal Thoughts

Everything about her relationship with her son had been complicated for a long time. She loved him unconditionally, or she tried to tell herself that. But she knew that it was far more delicate of a situation in reality. She knew that she hadn’t loved him enough. That her love alone hadn’t been enough to protect him from his father, and she hated herself for that. She hated that she hadn’t been able to protect him. That he still had that mark on his arm. Narcissa hadn’t wanted that for him. She didn’t want the complications that his life had held. But she knew that she couldn’t take them away.

She couldn’t go back in time and erase all of that. Because it had made him the man that he was today. And she was so proud of him. She would never not be proud of him. But it was all far too complicated. It was all something that she didn’t wish to bring to light. Narcissa would rather have watched him play on the floor with the dog, and just pretended that things were completely fine. That was what she wanted. That was all that she really wanted from him, or for him. She wanted him to be happy.

His happiness was far more important than her own. And as she watched him, she tried to gage it. How much of what he was showing on his face, and in his body language, was genuine. She was no expert, not in body language, not in psychology, not in any of it, but she did know her son. And she thought that he was far too much like her. That it was far too easy for him to mask everything that was going on in his mind. And she didn’t know what to do with that.

She didn’t want him to face the demons that she faced. She didn’t want to deal with any of that. She just wanted to be left alone. She wanted to deal with her mind on her own, and not have to put on a face for Draco, or for Desirae. They were children. They were her children. Even if Desirae wasn’t her child, she was concerned about her figuring out too much. She didn’t want any of this to be on her. She didn’t want her to take so personally everything that was happening to her. Because it was not for her to concern herself with.

Narcissa would be fine. It would take a whole lot more than this loss of magic to kill her. She knew the warning signs now. She had been down that road before. She had the marks to prove it. She had seen the memory, Andromeda’s memory, of finding her on the bathroom floor. There had been some morbid curiosity that had driven her to push her sister to let her see it. It wasn’t the first time. And they were both keenly aware of that. But it had been the first time in a very long time.

Only now she knew how real that risk was. She knew just how easy it would be to break a vase. To smash the mirror, or even just call down to room service, and order something that they would have to send a steak knife up with… It could be that easy. It could be over… One cut. Just deep enough to nick the vein… She’d have plenty of time to trace the same white line that ran up the other wrist… It was like falling asleep. She remembered that part. Dying was just like falling asleep.

There would be no dying today though. Not when she had something to live for. She couldn’t leave him. She couldn’t do that to him. Leave him alone in the world with his father… She couldn’t leave Desirae and Jack. Vzá. She had people she had to stay alive for. For now, that would have to be enough. She would have to hold it together for them.

His suggestion that they leave the flat had her eyes darting back to him, and she knew that her own were wide. “Draco…” It was soft, but there was hesitation in her voice. Leave? When was the last time that she had left this room? It had been days at least. Maybe a week? Longer? She honestly had no idea anymore. “I... I... I don’t know…” Narcissa didn’t want to disappoint him. She didn’t want to let him down any more than she already had. But Audrey’s…

@ i don't know if leaving is a good idea • 760 • narcissa's outfit

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